A Ride to Remember

51woxOQWgQLAs I was driving into work one morning, listening to one of my many favorite morning radio shows “The Preston & Steve Show” on 93.3 WMMR here in Philly. I say “many” because I am beyond a channel changer while driving. But this show certainly has a way of making my ride a little brighter as I head to the salt mines office every day.

This particular morning there was a discussion on a new book titled “Carsick” by John Waters. It’s a wonderful entertaining story about John’s decision to hitchhike across the country. As the DJ’s were discussing excerpts from the book, listeners were calling in to tell their personal stories about a time when they had no other choice but to hitch a ride. I found this all very intriguing.

Lucky for me John was making his rounds promoting his tale and I was able to catch an interview with him on the Bill Maher Show. I ordered the audio version right smack in the middle of the interview!

I must say I have never listened to a book before, because I am a traditional girl who enjoys her books written on paper, but since I have a 30-40 minute ride to the gym every day, I thought this would be a good way to pass the time and avoid my OCD channel changing … Mission accomplished John! 

And so the adventure begins….

And so the adventure begins….

Many of you may already know that the then 66 year-old Baltimore film director John Waters decided to hitchhike from his home in Baltimore Maryland to his home in San Francisco. Crazy or living life? 

Just the idea of such a journey in 2014, when the world seems so humanly disconnected, had me completely fascinated. I’m not sure why since I never had a wish to hitchhike … especially since most hitchhikers are usually portrayed as serial murders and frankly I’m a scardy cat. However, John did point out that most serial killers are looking for 20-year-old hookers and that did make me feel much safer.

The excitement as I put the first CD into the player was admittedly a tad over the top, but who cares … I just wanted to hear all the details of this journey … one CD at a time.

After listening to at least 2 CD’s I started to think …. “why haven’t I heard about any of this on the news?” 

Well, the answer to that million dollar question was found when I decided to read up on the details of the book. Something I usually do before I hit the “Add to cart” button. This is where I learned I that the first half of the book was John’s fictional version of his trip. Let me just say If anyone has some swamp land they want to get rid of … I’m your girl.

First up are the fictional good and bad rides; followed by the real rides that got him to San Francisco. 3 books for the price of 1!

If you’ve ever seen or read any of John’s past work you are well aware that his imagination reaches a level that most people cannot even fathom and he does not hold back in the fictional version of his journey. Some might think it was over the top, others (like myself) might think … hey, you never know. 

How could you not respond to this clever sign?

How could you not respond to this clever sign?

John wouldn’t be John without adding some exaggerated lewdness to the first half of the book. Hey, he isn’t known as the “Pope of Trash” for his portrayal of sunshine and butterflies. There were times when I think I might have blushed, cringed and laughed behind the wheel as I listened to him tell his fictional tale, but it didn’t stop me.

His words just confirmed that if anyone in this world was going to have sex with an Alien; be given a magical asshole for three hours that would fix a flat and sing duets with Connie Frances …  well, it would be John Waters.

After all the crazy antics of the fictional adventures, I heard the words 18s4bouiebbr9jpg“The Real Thing” and I found myself so engrossed that I was driving in circles just to finish a chapter. It was worth every ounce of fuel … even at $3.67 a gallon!

I couldn’t help but imagine myself as one of those dashboard hula girls eavesdropping on every ride.  Best seat in the house. 

Does all of this make me want to manicure my thumb and hit the highway? Not one bit.  It does however urge me to head into each day with my wit, optimism and belief that not every stranger is a serial killer … some are just out there to Enjoy the Ride  …  just like me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All In A Days Work

fb101f0749291403d2416549ccec38b3This past week was beyond challenging on the ole nerves for this girl in the work place. Between being shorthanded, overbooked and having our computer system go down for an entire day, it’s a miracle that I am still alive.

This recipe for insanity really made me miss that extra pulse in the office, along with the days of pencils and paper! You broke a point, you sharpened it and you’re back in business… you weren’t on HOLD for hours trying to “fix” the problem.

Yesterday things seemed to start turning around when our computers came back to life! I’m pretty sure my excitement when the “logon” screen popped up was a tad over the top, but that’s what happens when you are 100% dependent on its existence.  If I had pom poms they would  have been used….sad but true. 

f20d24daed75133b48e2ea5350f269c7

Was this really too much to ask for?

So what does one do after spending 3 days basking in the fires of hell? She takes advantage of the sunny sky at lunchtime and heads outside to enjoy it! 

My co-worker and I found a nice shady bench to relax, which lasted all of a nano second. One of the security guards and believe me when I tell you that term is being used VERY lightly, was right in front of us gazing into the sky as if a flying saucer was about to land.

Of course my imagination immediately goes wild with scenarios on what might be happening as I pretend to call dispatch. We have 203 over at the MOB and I might need back-up.  In other words there is a bird flying over the medical office building. I think the biggest case they ever took on was catching a smoker lighting up on hospital grounds. 

As we sat there mocking the poor guy, we actually did hear a strange noise and wondered if this was what he was investigating. By “investigating” I mean looking towards the sky. 

My co-worker inquires as to what he was doing and he responded in the most monotone voice “There are 2 dogs locked in that pick-up truck and I’m looking for the security camera to see how long it’s been parked there.” W H A T?

cagney-and-lacey-pic-bbc-image-1-581892946

Badass to the CORE!

Since we are both HUMAN and DOG LOVERS, we ran over to the truck to see for ourselves. Sure enough there were 2 dogs locked in the hot truck with the all the windows up barking and crying! Needless to say we immediately sprung into action. 

At this point Cagney & Lacey a/k/a me and my co-worker take charge of the case. Someone had to! We immediately approach the guard to see if he was going to break the window. Which is exactly what the police say to do in these cases. Again he responds with a half-dead … NO.

funniespet.com

funniespet.com

We plead our case by informing him in our most crazed voices that it’s “ok” to break the window,but he doesn’t budge. It seemed like it was an effort for him to give us an answer. 

Please to do not fuck around with two women who are already on the edge … just don’t! We were responding to the situation like Navy Seals, while this “guard” was acting as if he swallowed a bottle of Valium. I’m thinking …”this is your chance to make a difference buddy!” 

Cagney & Lacey:  Are you going to call the police?

Droopy Dog:  No. I’m going back to the office to check the surveillance tape to see how long the truck has been parked here.

Cagney & Lacey:  These dogs will be dead by then!

Droopy Dog:  I have to ask my boss about calling the police. Lacey:  YOU HAVE TO CALL YOUR BOSS?! Well I don’t have to check with anyone I’m calling.

I make the call while Cagney uses her quick thinking to round-up some suspects. Since this was obviously a construction vehicle and work is being done on the premises, perhaps it belongs to one of the workers. This thought was like Rocket Science to the “guard”.

Droopy Dog:  What police did you call?

Lacey: The real police? The police that come when you call 911.

Droopy Dog:  Well my boss is at another site and I would have to check with him.

Lacey:  This is an emergency! I can’t believe you can’t call yourself. Walks away in disbelief …. Just then the suspect comes out to his truck and Droopy exchanges words with him. He has the NERVE to say “It’s not even that hot in here!”  He gets into his truck and starts to leave. Oh no you’re not! 

8450800db20187a3d8bd73dd7a006e66

Helpful Information.

I get back on the phone to update the dispatcher when I notice the truck stopping at the next entrance and he enters the building with the dogs. Droopy pulls behind the truck and with the speed of a turtle, follows him inside. I think I saw two snails pass him …. Jesus! 

Just as the suspect comes back outside the REAL police are on the scene. Cagney & Lacey returned to their day jobs and hoped justice was served. By the look on the face of the real police officer as he sped by, it’s safe to say it was. 

We hear too many stories these days about children and animals being locked in hot vehicles. Local news reporters are cooking eggs on dashboards all over the country, just to make a point about just how hot a vehicle can get on a summer day. Unless you just surfaced from under a rock … you know the deal.

BOOM! That my friends is the sound of my mind being blown by the fact that some people still feel that somehow they are above a devastating outcome. YOUR NOT THAT POWERFUL …SORRY!  Enjoy the Ride  with Caution!

The Truth and Nothing but the Truth

22f3413f964e0d774e694743286a4ddcToday I am here to bitch and complain about a couple that have been driving me absolutely batty for some time now. Please let me introduce you to Politics and Religion. Not that anyone really needs an introduction at this point…they get around.

However, I’m sure you know them by their more popular names such as the Buzz Killers, Room Clearers, Fun Suckers and of course the old school … Party Poopers.

At this point in our lives I think its safe to say that we are all aware of the huge invisible SKULL & CROSSBONES displayed at the entrance to all public gatherings warning us of these two. So, unless you are prepared for a full on debate, that could potentially turn into a scene from the Fight Club, you must heed to the warning and avoid these two like a plague. People are on the brink of cray these days. 

Sadly, thanks to technology, we now have the displeasure of facing these two in the comfort of our own homes. I know when danger-Will-RobinsonI open my dear friend Mac I just want to chill. I do not want to be exposed to a heap of BS opinions about these two, but BAM! they always make an appearance. Unfortunately social media does not come with and arm waving robot screeching … DANGER LISA! DANGER! before logging on.

Honestly, how many hateful misinformed memes or “news” alerts that MUST BE SHARED to spread the misinformed hate across the land can one person endure? Not ONE more!

Don’t get me wrong, I too have had my moments. This fun-loving non confrontational Pisces has been sucked right into the vortex on occasion by … dare I say … responding to the crazy.  I actually blow my own mind at how quickly I switch to Cap Lock and fire away.

It’s so frustrating to suddenly read the “opinion” of a well-educated, normally reasonable person, because it is based on the opinion of some half-truth media source. I think that’s what bugs me most….people have transformed from armchair quarterbacks to polarized parrots over night. 

ed67d87bd7685c9357cbf9a54189d245What the hell happened to waiting for the facts or heaven forbid the truth? I know they always seem to take their good ole time getting to the surface and their black sheep cousin Distorted ALWAYS shows up first reeking so much havoc no one even takes them seriously when they decide to sachet through the door….late as usual, acting like a couple of wallflowers!

I do have a solution to make some big changes, but it sadly doesn’t have a chance in hell of actually happening … even though it’s brilliant.

During my extensive research on this subject, I came to the conclusion that the only legit Truth & Fact tellers on this planet come in the form of a 4-year-olds. An advanced 3-year-old would also do. 

These uninhibited balls of cuteness don’t play around with appropriateness, they go right for the jugular and get away with it with one flash of their dimples. They don’t worry about filtering what comes out of their mouths and they certainly don’t have a care in the world about political correctness. The truth and nothing but the truth.

MjA3YTZmYWIyY2Fh_13546

I’ll tell you everything you want to know and then some.

They just let the truthful facts and common sense spew from their mouths without an ounce of concern. Let me put it this way … if a 4-year-old tells you you’re fat, chances are that is indeed a truthful fact. They don’t play!

Look at little Nancy Drew over there on the right. She took matters into her own little hands when her Kitty Bank was stolen by her babysitter. She just let the police know the truthful facts and BAM! the crime was solved. Kids are also very good judges of character .. we need to listen to what they have to say. 

“The bad guys stole my kitty bank, they stole my iPod. They also stole my Xbox and my Wii,” the little girl said. “That was really her being bad. She’s not a good babysitter.”

Now take a moment to imagine all the decision-making seats in D.C. filled with 4 year olds. They don’t lie and they have no concept of money! Why no one has made this suggestion before is beyond me. 

I can’t help but laugh as I ponder on all the conversations that may take place during a decision-making session. “Your Bill is dumb!” “No it’s not!””Yes it is!”  “Ok.”  Lord knows they would have these sessions wrapped up before snack time if little Mateo was running the show.

As we celebrate our freedoms today, let’s make a conscious effort to use these privileges wisely and Listen … Listen… Listen as we Enjoy the Ride! 

 

 

 

Those Were The Days

Father’s Day has been different for me over the years. My father died on Father’s Day in 1994. It’s ok, don’t be all sad, he planned the big exit so we would never forget. Honestly, I always thought it would be Christmas, the big guns amongst the holidays, but having your father die on Father’s Day…well-played Jim, well-played indeed. This was a man with a very large presence, who wanted to be remembered in a very grand way, so I would say…mission accomplished dad. My dad was almost 58 when I born..oops, which made my childhood a tad interesting to say the least. It’s funny because I never thought my dad was old, he was just my dad. Until that Summer afternoon in my driveway when my best friend invited me to come to her Grahms surprise 60th birthday party. She informed me it was going to be a big party because 60 is really old. This moment was equivalent having a friend fill you in on the whole Santa hoax. Wadda mean really old?  Needless to say the lightbulb went off, the calculator in my head was hard at work and 68 is the final answer. Should I be afraid that the Grim Reaper is lurking in the shadows?  Yes, which is exactly what I did from that moment forward. Side note: My mother was 20 years younger, just in case you were going to look me up in the Guinness Book of World Records as the baby born to the oldest woman or something. He certainly didn’t act old. We went to the shore, amusement parks, rides to Lancaster, just because he liked chicken and dumplings. We drove for ice-cream on a whim to a special place 45 minutes away, because it was better. We did everything the kids with a young dad did, just with more gray hair. Age is just a number folks.

Mom? Dad?

As I said my dad had a big personality. He was a Jimmy Hoffa/Archie Bunker (without the bigotry) all rolled into one. If he had something to say, he said it. If you crossed him…be afraid. If there was a wrong to be righted, he got the job done. How? Who knows and it’s probably better to leave some things to the imagination. He was a feisty free spirit who lived his life according to his own set of rules. He was loud, stubborn, demanding, certainly not boring, full of life and definitely had a good sense of humor. He never smoked or drank a day in his life, which most likely helped him in the end. I couldn’t even imagine an alcohol induced Jim…I think I just got goose bumps at that thought.  He was a Teamster and drove a truck for a living, but retired when I went to first grade. So in 1971 he became the stay at home dad and my mother went to work. Let’s just draw some more attention to ourselves as being different shall we. However, my mother was still required to cook & clean..come on now he was still the man of the house for god sakes it was 1971! Both of my parents were very politically active during my childhood, so although he was retired from his job he always had something going on politically. He did go back to work part-time until he was 81. His motto was “always work hard, but remember you’re only a number”  and today my siblings and I are all incredibly loyal hard-working adults, despite being a number. When my dad was 81 he lost part of his foot to diabetes, with some help from Dr. Jim when he decided he would remove his ingrown toenail with pliers. Feel free to read that line again, yes you did read “pliers” and  yes, as in the tool in the garage. Of course no one knew how bad it was until it was too late. My mother had to retire at that point to care for him for the next 7 years. She refers to that time as “serving her sentence.”  The woman is a saint! There isn’t a jury in the land that would convict her if she accidentally sat on that pillow on his face…trust me.  Jim was the worst patient in the ENTIRE world. Try telling an old free spirit …”you can’t”. The sentence “you can’t drive anymore, we need to take your license” was a million times more deadly than that gangrenous foot, for all of us. Although, I know there were highways out there cheering with joy that Mr. Magoo was finally parked for good. Sitting in the passenger seat could cure even the worst case of constipation. Honestly, when the man behind the wheel is saying “I’ll drive wherever the hell I want..I pay my taxes” as your entering the street with the red and white DO NOT ENTER sign, you know why your bowels are rumbling! Although I was born to an older dad, I was fortunate that he hung around long enough to meet my daughter. Unfortunately, I found out I was pregnant with my son the day before his funeral. This was a huge surprise, considering I had no recollection of having sex. But, according to that blue plus sign on the stick, I did. My first thought was “Oh, shit!” and rightfully so, because sure enough,  I am raising a stubborn, demanding, free-spirited, out spoken son who looks just like my dad…thanks dad! I think the jury is still out on this one. Just remember folks at 58 my father lived another life. He died when I was 30 years old. So he raised me, watched me get married… twice, became a grandfather for the 7th time and taught me a valuable lesson … you’re never too old to Enjoy the Ride! 

Mrs. Magoo

82f61d98e3340a4c2f716c03d6c8a993I am trying very hard to age gracefully, but I must admit there’s not much grace involved when you are suddenly half blind and randomly peeing your pants.

I must admit that my biggest peeve so far has been the loss of my once perfect vision. Perfect …. it was PERFECT!

Of course I know that I must sound like a whining ungrateful first world person with partial vision, but I don’t care …. I MISS MY SIGHT! I do not like depending on my young eye rolling daughter for assistance in reading price tags, text messages or labels. I’m basically sending her to college to be a guide dog at this point. 

Ugh, the struggles are endless. Oh, yes I did say struggle and I’m not afraid to bump it up to hardship if necessary. When I’m out and about on my own I find myself scanning the room for a set of young friendly, potentially assisting eyes. I’m convinced the Cougars out there aren’t looking for hot sex, they’re looking for a good set of eyes!5f9d3430506f079a63ef4ef22f669455

I guess you’re all saying “Get Glasses!” right about now aren’t you?  Well, for your information I have glasses, but I REFUSE to wear them on top of my head, where I know they’ll be entangled in my hair, creating the potential for a bald spot or heaven forbid having them dangling around my neck on one of those decorative chains that just draws even more attention to my loss of perfect sight. Therefore, my stubbornness has resulted in me CONSTANTLY loosing my glasses.

The reason I am bitching, moaning and beating a fossilized horse on this subject is something happened to me a few weeks ago that brought this acute Mr. Magoo lifestyle to the surface full force. For the crowd under 40, Mr. Magoo was a famous cartoon character who made a fortune off of his blindness. 

A few weeks ago I went out back with my love bug Peanut for his morning walk. I’ve learned the hard way to always LOOK carefully before opening the gate, because critters are always roaming around waiting to scare the shit out of me. Animals have a sick sense of humor, especially in the morning.

10325687_10202472555399862_6066291483472010444_n

Blue Tropical Parrot spotted in the Northeastern section of Philadelphia

There was no need for me to wear glasses on this trip out back … or so I thought. Just as I was about to open the gate I noticed a beautiful blue parrot just sitting peacefully in the field. I went back in the house to grab a phone so I could capture a photo of this once in a lifetime moment. My husband was perplexed at my behavior, but I assured him my excitement was justified.

I gently opened the gate, channeled my inner church mouse and proceeded to tip toe through the grass. I couldn’t believe my luck that the bird wasn’t fleeing as I got closer. It was like he was just waiting for me. My heart was pounding out of my chest with excitement over my luck!

As I got a few feet away my EYES started to adjust and I suddenly had the sad realization that I was not going to be the one to capture this beautiful bird and collect the handsome reward that would most likely be posted for its safe return.

Nope, I was not going to post a photo of this grand bird on my Facebook page, where it would no doubt receive millions of “likes” and be shared all over the world.

Nope, my photo was not going to blow up Twitter like Ellen’s selfie at the Oscars … it just wasn’t going to happen.

Apparently I had misjudged the identification of this species, most likely due to my recent case of Magooitis, but my friend Dan, who was obviously concerned, sent my photo to the local Bird Society where it was correctly identified.

I am happy to present to you the Herr’s Blue Chip Foil, normally found in the potato fields of Idaho, but due to recent climate changes high winds this beauty landed smack in the middle of Northeastern Philadelphia where it resided until the next big wind.

Herr's Blue Chip Foil

Herr’s Blue Chip Foil

Needless to say when I realized what I had stumbled upon I went down on my knees, laughed out loud and of course … peed my pants. Even though I miss my 20/20 vision a great deal, I must say having Magooitis has provided me with some great laughs while I continue to … Enjoy the Ride! 

 

 

 

 

Youth Has No Age

1655988_10201932041327348_449513925_n

My love bugs!

I’m sure you were all wondering if I decided to drive off a cliff with the top down after turning 50, but actually it’s been just the opposite. That’s right I’ve been out and about spending my days being nothing short of FAB-U-LOUS! 

My husband hosted a luncheon in my honor at the beautiful Bridgetown Mill House, where I was celebrated by my family. I must say the best gift of the day was not purchased at any store. I know that sounds like a cliché, but it is 100% true.

There is something extremely healthy about being surrounded by people who really love you with all their heart. Truly the best birthday EVAH! 

Fear one tackled! Celebrating after my first 5k!!

Fear one tackled! Celebrating after my first 5k!!

After all the celebrating I made a decision to take on some fears that have been preventing me from being the best me. Fears tend to do that you know.

It was time to pack up my younger self for a short trip down memory lane.I gave her a big “it’s been real bitch”, grabbed my aging self and ran like hell! Honestly, the “who cares” phase is so much more liberating than the “what will they think?” phase of my life.

Next up was recognizing or admitting that I’m not getting those younger years back, so I better start a hot and heavy love affair with the future real soon. Once I realized that 50 was actually the threshold to get me to the future, I came to terms with the realities. Holding onto the past is only going to leave you standing out on the porch pissed off at the world. 

Below is a sample of some truths that I chose to face before crossing the threshold. 

1517630_10201614433267345_1436962995_n1. No matter how good I feel about the look of my ass, I will NEVER be able to go commando in my workout pants … ever!

  • REASON: Panty lines are no longer a big deal when you’ve been forced to wear the equivalent of a twin sized mattress between your legs for fear of peeing all over the floor during a workout.

2. I really should have taken the time to appreciate what I saw in the mirror when I had the chance.  I feel as though I wasted so much time and energy focusing on my “faults” during every reflection, I never got to appreciate the whole package.

  • REASON:  The day will come when you pass a mirror, take a few steps back, look again and say “who the fuck is that?”

3.  Now when my phone rings in the middle of the night it will not be a drunk girlfriend summoning me to a club where there is c5ca6c4ca0b2ba7cc0337cff8f1832f8an abundance of hot available men nor will it be a hot available man summoning my booty.

  • REASON: Phone calls in the middle of the night now mean two things .. DEATH or DEATH.

4.  Sight is a gift that I have taken for granted. I wish I spent my youth threading more needles, reading more newspapers or just “seeing” anything and everything.

  • REASON: The day will come when you realize you now have the same vision as a naked mole rat. This means that your chances of mistaking a mannequin for a live person now have better odds than you winning the lottery. 

5.  During my 20’s I really should have taken advantage of going braless. I should have worked the perkiness of my breasts and flaunted them to the world. They were nothing short of magnificent!!

  • REASON:  One day you will wake up and actually justify rolling up your now sagging breasts, placing them into a something that resembles a medieval torture contraption … just to go food shopping.

65cf4114fae975dc734dde69262211d4I’ll admit crossing the threshold was filled with some mixed emotions. It was like being really happy at a funeral. If that makes any sense at all.  I just stood in the doorway thinking “damn this is liberating” , until I noticed the sickle of the Grim Reaper shining just a tad brighter in the distance. Back It Up Bitch!  

Instead of trying to beat age make the most of it. If that means bedazzling your adults diapers … do it!

Enjoy the Ride! 

 

 

Mom Mom? Mom!

IMG_1861

Muz

In honor of Mother’s Day this weekend I am once again sharing a post that I wrote in honor of my own mother Venita Momma You Were Born This Way.

I am blessed to be celebrating her once again this year, considering she was 37 when she brought me into this world, I never imagined that at 50 I would still have this privilege. Feel free to insert a big ole Awwww.

Mom is now 87 and I am so grateful that every Friday we spend our day going from one place to another. It’s usually food shopping, banking or a doctor’s appointment here or there. Nothing out of the ordinary, but we have the opportunity to be together and that is certainly extraordinary. A priceless gift indeed!

A few years back when my mom gave up driving, on her own unlike my father who didn’t give up without a fight, my sisters and I came up with a schedule to get mom out from behind her four dull walls. I for one can honestly say it was the best thing that could have happened. This gives us all the opportunity to spend quality time with our mother, which we may not have gotten if she was still whizzing around town on her own. A blessing in disguise!

These weekly outings have certainly provided me with a chance to sit back and ponder on 4314172db9187c2ca55aaaefea54296bmy own challenges in raising my children who are now 21 & 19. I  have to look at my mom and ask “how the hell did you survive these years … TWICE?  See, I have older siblings and my brother turned 19 just a few days after I was born! Yea…let that sink in for a minute…

Just as she was about to receive her “I survived raising my teenagers” t-shirt she had to change the shitty diapers of my sister and I since we are only 15 months apart! I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Oh, as if this wasn’t enough to warrant a statue being erected in her honor, factor in that she went to work full-time when I was about 7 and was still required by Archie Bunker/my dad to fulfill her “wifely duties” of cooking, cleaning and waiting on him hand and foot. Oh … dear … lord how did she have the restraint not to murder?

I never thought I would actually say “changing diapers and breast-feeding are looking pretty good right now”, but I find myself saying it DAILY and one day I said it to my mom. Her laughter was genuine, but I must admit it was a little unnerving. Then I realized the truth usually is right? You know when there is nothing left but to laugh you don’t have a chance.

c6d04e91982dc4f13f1ca85a73e8c416Over the years I certainly had my chance to take my mother’s advice, but did I? Well, sometimes I did, but in reality I thought I “knew it all” just like my kids do. Paybacks really are a bitch! 

  • When my mom said “believe me you don’t want him to walk too early” I thought she was crazy until my son started building his own scaffolding to unlock the front door and the gray hairs began.
  • When my mom said “let her take her time driving, she doesn’t need her license yet.” Well, I was tired of waiting up to go fetch her from wherever she was, so she got her license. Yea, waiting up until she gets home safely is so much more relaxing…not!

    Here are my two creations. They buckle their own seat belts and wipe their own asses, which is all I ever really wanted.

    Here are my two creations. They buckle their own seat belts and wipe their own asses, which is all I ever really wanted.

The list could go on, but frankly it’s becoming a little embarrassing at this point. Look, motherhood does not come with a manual for a reason … it’s too fucking scary! No one is going to see that movie after reading the book .. capisce? 

So, take time to listen to the wisdom of the survivors other women in your life … your mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, cousins or honestly anyone with a vagina.

All women are mothers of the world. All of us give birth to something bigger than ourselves. All women are badass and need to be celebrated, so get out there and as always … Enjoy the Ride!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happiness Is The Truth

Once upon a time, in the wee hours of the morning on a cold winter day 50 years ago, something very special happened. A baby girl with jet black hair and big brown eyes made her way into this world. Oh, she didn’t enter this big bad world like one of those average babies, she made her debut with a grand arrival. It didn’t matter a snow storm was brewing. It didn’t matter that the doctor couldn’t get to the hospital and it certainly didn’t matter that the nurse said she wasn’t “ready” to be born. Um, I wasn’t a Butterball for godsakes.

This little bundle of joy wanted to make a lasting impression and that’s exactly what she did as she barreled into the world by sliding right to the bottom of the hospital bed like a wet seal all by herself.  No doubt causing my mother to instantly spring a gray hair… or two. Hey, it you’re gonna go… go big … right?

Little Lisa Maria was born on February 19th, 1964. She is the youngest of 4 children a/k/a “the baby” of the family. A label she still wears today when her mother introduces her to ANYONE. But she doesn’t mind, she just smiles and sheepishly embraces her title.

As you can see Lisa continued liven things up at her first birthday party. In her defense she isn’t the one who purchased the chocolate, nor is she the one who left it in arms reach of a baby. If we’re going to point fingers, I would start with the tall people at the party.

1 year-old Lisa knew how to celebrate!

What?

Now let’s fast forward to today, when I once again slid to the bottom of a bed to officially hit another milestone. “Slid” may be a little strong… shimmied might be better.

Drum Roll Please  ….

The Big 50

Fifty

Half a Century

Fiddy

LXXXI

Cincuenta

images

As I was doing a little research on turning Fiddy I found out that I am in some pretty good company this year. Aside from all those other AARP cardholders that is. Who the hell knew that so much greatness could emerge in one year? 1964 was certainly rocking some star power. Let’s kick the list off with a little name dropping shall we.  Ahem … First Lady Michelle Obama, Matt Dillon, Rob Lowe, Lara Linney, Lenny Kravitz  and G.I. Joe just to name a few. There are actually 103 on the list, including yours truly, but I don’t want to make you green with envy bore you by listing all of the awesomeness of my birth year.

I also found a very interesting historical fact about this day 50 years ago. Out of all the incredibly memorable events taking place in 1964 you will not believe what went down on this date. Are you ready?

UK flies ½ ton of The Beatles wigs to the US

Seriously? I’m left to assume that the historians were out to lunch and the lab monkeys got together and thought this was hilarious. I’m still not sure how or why this is considered history, but more importantly I was not able to find a single owner of one of these wigs. Now I sort of want one ….

Any who …. since I love to see people happy in honor of my 50th Birthday I want you to take a break and celebrate with me … Because I’m Happy! If you are the proud owner of a Beatles wig feel free to put it on now. 

Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do

Enjoy the Ride!

Little Moments Matter Most

BadGiftsThere comes a time in any relationship when you start to dread gift giving holidays. I know, I know but if I yearn for something, I go get myself something. The thought of leaving “hints”around the house for someone to notice is exhausting. Not to mention they would need to be the size of a billboard surrounded by bright flashing lights for anyone to “notice.”  This holiday season I made the executive decision to start giving the gift of experiences to my immediate love one. Fun memories can go a long way.

resizedimage200300-dc40e23572d252c2357bd71900802249image

This is not us, but it explains it all…heaven.

My first decision really didn’t take much time at all. We have both been talking about getting a massage for months, so I found a cool salon in the city Body Restoration that offers a couples massage and ta-da my experience was purchased. Hmm…did you ever get the feeling that talking about something and doing something might be completely different? 

Well, our appointment was this past Sunday and I couldn’t wait to give some lovin to these sore muscles. All week I was providing my husband with a daily countdown to the big day, but he wasn’t really giving me the “OMG! I CAN’T WAIT EITHER!” vibe in return. So I finally had to ask “Are you excited about our massages?” Insert long pause along with several odd facial expressions. He was nervous because he wasn’t sure what to expect. What?! Really?! I’m happy to report all those fears left as soon as he hit the heated table. I heard him SNORING twice!

Speaking of heated tables … I was so relaxed that I barely noticed that my right nipple was practically engulfed in flames midway through my massage. You know you’re relaxed when your arm is too limp to shift your burning nipple as you tell yourself things like … “it’s cool you have another one.”

IMG_1755

Incredible food and service.

We must have looked like two linguine noodles as we headed over to Rittenhouse Square for a much-needed bite to eat. The complimentary cucumber water and cashews only went so far.

It was our lucky day because we stumbled into a great little eatery called Rouge. I was immediately surprised at how crowded this place was at 2 o’clock on a Sunday afternoon. Apparently this is the time of day when the extremely wealthy eat their meals.

As we sat at the bar waiting for our table I immediately started to absorb my surroundings. For starters there was a beautiful young woman fawning over what I believed to be a fossil of some sort, but then realized it was talking and footing the bill. They were all over each other like teenagers, which was bizarre, but then again money has been known to provoke odd behavior. 

Since I have what some may consider a super power of sorts … yes, you read that right. I have the ability to zero in on conversations imagesall around me. Sort of like a human radar without the big bulky satellite dishes.  This is how I learned that the fossil’s name was Jonathan and his young lady friend was Beverly. Apparently Jonathan let his penis take Beverly shopping for a Burberry cashmere wrap. How do I know? Let’s see…she never shut up about it while spinning around Jonathan like a belly dancer!

There was also a group of elders enjoying a lovely brunch at a table to my right. Just looking at them you knew they were frequent patrons. This wasn’t too hard to figure out since the entire wait staff hovered over them like a group of seagulls waiting for a fry to drop. 

Just as they were getting ready to leave a very distinctive odor filled the room. Nothing bad, just odd. Then it hit me…it was the scent of old money. I’ve had the pleasure of getting a whiff of this before from one of our patients at work. There is a huge difference between the scent of the money that regular folks use and this old money. ae24b0d08ad6bc4b0faf7e9fb5715a6c

My money, when I even have the pleasure of having some in my wallet, usually goes undetected because it’s in and out in a flash. But this “old money”, it gives off the scent of mothballs, aged scotch and wool.  I just imagine bundles of cash aging in the comforts of a luxurious safe, while without even breaking a sweat, multiplying at record speed.  I suspect the eldest money in the safe provides daily lectures that begin with the line … “when I first came to the safe.”

All in all it was a wonderful day loaded with memories. The massages were incredible! The food, drinks & conversations ours and everyone else’s were entertaining and the company… just priceless. Well, not literally “priceless”, but definitely worth every new dollar.

Take time to make some memories with the ones you love, even if your nipple is on fire and your cash flow dwindles at the speed of light, just … Enjoy the Ride! 

Let It Snow

100209_crazy_weatherman

Weather report or audition for lead dramatic role?

Here in good old Philadelphia we recently experienced the “The First Snow of the New Year”, which for some reason became a major news story.  Every time a flake fell a WEATHER ALERT interrupted my regular scheduled programing to report on the logistics of said flake. It really makes you want to spike your cocoa.

I would love for snow to go back to the days when it was just snow, before it became headline news. Snow has become the Kim Kardashian of precipitation and it’s equally as overplayed in the media.

Wouldn’t it be nice if snow could just go back to being the plain white pain in the ass it use be? I’ll probably sound all sorts of old right now, but I remember the days when it snowed, everyone dealt with it and we moved on. It was so easy…

No one was out interviewing people on their opinion of the flakes, while we sat glued to the “talking box” with bated 16359a10db8fe7fb57bdf1c14130a36dbreath awaiting the judgements of these novice spectators. When someone with one giant tooth in their mouth claims “the roads were fine” I have to question their credibility. If they can’t see how horrid that tooth looks every damn day they certainly aren’t seeing dangerous road conditions … just sayin.

No one was bringing camera crews out to empty parking lots to report on the emptiness of the parking lots and no one and I mean NO ONE was in our face 24/7 informing us about every single movement of these flakes! This does not include the amateur reports on Social Media, which are enough to trample even the strongest of nerves.

One would think that with ALL of the information that was being provided by our media, PEOPLE would have a better understanding of let’s just say … Snules a/k/a Snow Rules. Um, yes they exist is the land of common sense where I reside. Sadly someone forgot to forward the memo over to the land of asses, which happens to be extremely overpopulated these days. I have dubbed these people Snasses … a/k/a Snow Asses.

Snules: n. a piece of advice about the best way to do something.

Snasses: n. a group of people who don’t follow snules; referred to an ass, a-hole or stupid ass on clear weather days.

Below are just a few examples of Snasses and Snules, you know for the next round of flakes. Feel free to take notes. 

Snass: On my white knuckle ride home from the gym during the start of “The First Snow of the New Year” I had someone riding my bumper like I was twerking it up at the VMA’s. 

Snule: Unless you are about to perform a colonoscopy I suggest you stay a safe distance behind strange bumpers.

Snow-car_1558716cSnass: On Friday afternoon, while on my way to the food store for you guessed it …. milk, I encountered what I am lead to believe was a mini van, but since it was completely snow-covered other than the non proportional eye slots no one will ever really be sure, which I’m guessing was the point.

Snule: When you head out onto the roads clean the snow off your car. This includes the ENTIRE vehicle, especially the large glass surface used to SEE the road. Clearing two spaces for your eyes will not suffice.

Snass: On Saturday afternoon my daughter and I were out and about on a quest for new bras. New year… new bras. Any who 26458d05d7b1acd1bd7928fd3333ef5e…  I was being incredibly contained not mentioning the tower of snow on top of the vehicle driving in front of us, but then my daughter unleashed its existence leading to the creation of the word “snass” during my mile long rant.

Snule: Refer back to number 2 to include the ROOF of your vehicle. Driving with a glazier on the top of your vehicle causes blizzard like conditions for everyone driving in your wake. The ONLY exclusion for leaving snow on top of your car would be your lack of arms.

Snass: Parking lots…ugh where do we even begin. Ok, I think it’s safe to assume that the large group of people who decided to venture out for some sales were seasoned mall patrons. Therefore they know EXACTLY how the parking lot is designed and how to use it properly.

Snule: So, unless you have documentation of acute memory loss you need to park in an actual spot…the SIDEWALK leading up the door of the store is NOT suddenly a spot and you know it. 

57073cf4b1cb4b938afeab1f89c6290aSnass: We all know that being out in your Hummer in the middle of a suburban snow storm makes you feel like some sort of warrior, but let me give you a heads-up … YOU’RE NOT. In fact, driving that thing outside of Afghanistan makes you look ridiculous whether it’s sunny or snowing.

Snule: Unless you are actually driving your oversized vehicle through a snow storm in a war zone, you need to SLOW the hell DOWN and remember you might get to go faster, but you’re not going to stop faster. 

Dashing through the snow…enjoying the ride!

Dashing through the snow…enjoying the ride!

Since we are not even through week one of January, it’s safe to say that there will be more snow to come here on the east coast. So please follow the Snules, don’t be a Snass and just Enjoy the Ride! 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 640 other followers

%d bloggers like this: