Memory Lane Has Pot Holes


Kids! I just love when my kids think I am doing something to embarrass them in public. For the love of God I was raised by the King of embarrassment, I couldn’t even come close.

Over the years my kids have told me “you’re so embarrassing” about things that aren’t even recognized on the humiliation meter. If someone has a birthday cake in their cart at the supermarket, yes I feel compelled to say “enjoy your celebration.”  That’s NOT a big freaking deal! Actually, the conversation is usually longer, but it’s not like I’m asking for an invite. I’m not ruling it out if the cake looks fabulous.

Try standing in the checkout line of the A&P with your dad, who just happens to be the only man shopping, as he lets loose the LOUDEST fart in history. As if that weren’t enough. Every head in the store towards us with looks of  horror and disgust as my dad, in true Jim fashion said “what? the doors open it will find its way out.” If my sister and I didn’t die of embarrassment..trust me, no one will! 

Recently we attended a graduation party. All the young kids were out on the dance floor, except my son. Apparently he didn’t want me to follow him onto the dance floor. He hasn’t recovered from the Mother/Son incident 2 years ago when I was pretending to lasso him onto the dance floor….”so embarrassing.”  Please, it was hilarious and he knows it! 

No, embarrassing is when you’re outside jumping rope with all your friends and a Taxi comes rolling down the street. By the way, at this point no one knows what a taxi is, so yes the crowd is forming.

Where does it stop you ask, right in front of my house of course. All heads turn toward me for some sort of answer. The door opens, my dad emerges in a HOSPITAL GOWN and the crowd looks as perplexed as me. Shall we all take a moment and be grateful for the fact he was holding the back together covering his fat ass. I quickly learned the art of diversion. Hey, I’ll be steady-ender!  

I think I went wrong by providing my children with the illusion that I was the perfect mother who would never do anything un-mother like in their presence. The key is to start embarrassing them right out of the womb, they’ll never know any different. Let’s just leave those standards for other families.

I never knew any different until I started to notice the perplexed look on everyone else’s face when something was going down in my world.  Oh, you mean it’s weird to have megaphones playing music on top of your car?  It’s not if your mother is running for State Legislator and your dad is spreading the word. However, it is when he drives by your school and uses those speakers to say “Liiisssaa” while you’re in class.

My kids would have grabbed their lunch money and high tailed it out of Crazy Town!

For god sakes the more I think about it, the more I realize my kids are clueless in their definition of embarrassing. They recently referred to my old Ford Taurus wagon as “so ghetto and embarrassing.” No, it wasn’t my spinners they were referring to, just the fact that the car was old & dirty. Jeez, I wonder who could have contributed to that mess…hmm. 

I think terms like “ghetto & embarrassing” could be better served to describe our 1970 something green Caprice Classic, which was already as big a whale without the (2) loud speakers and a 3ft wooden sign sporting my mothers name and barricaded to the roof. This vessel of humiliation was still used as our family car and I never remember referring to it as ghetto or embarrassing. 

The crowd sipped silently as she slithered into the car.

Honestly, you haven’t lived until you arrive at a 7-Eleven for a Slurpee in a circus on wheels. To this day I know my sister questions her decision to stop for that Slurpee. Live and learn friends, live and learn.

I waited in the circus car with my dad when she went in for the Slurpee. She was taking her good ole time…poor decision number 2.

Never dilly dally within a 10ft radius of an unfiltered man with a microphone….ever!

As soon as he saw her in line he picked up he microphone and said “What’s taking so long? Get your ass out here!”  She slithered right back into the mobile circus as if nothing happened. Taking into consideration if she walked there was the possibility of being followed and spoken to over the speakers, um yea..getting back in was clearly the best decision of the day. 

Today these are the moments that give us the biggest laughs, bring us together and are considered memorable, not embarrassing.

No one ever said Memory Lane didn’t have some pot holes, in fact that’s what makes the road more interesting.

My goal is to provide my kids with as many “memories” as I can, so they can laugh about them for years to come. Something tells me I’m off to a good start! 

Just fart out loud and Enjoy the Ride!

41 responses

  1. OMG! I laughed right out loud reading this! Hilarious!

  2. Michelle Gillies

    We all have “pot holes” in our history. They are what made us who we are. That’s a good thing.

  3. Turning pot holes into good material since 1962.

  4. Thank you! Thanks for stoping by.

  5. You’ve inspired me to write about my mother. She never tried to embarrass me, but she succeeded often anyway.

  6. I’m with Erma Bombeck – embarrassment is the greatest power you have over your kids. I mean REAL embarrassment. Your dad … let’s just say, “I’m not worthy.”

  7. Waiting for Chapter II in which LWTTD relates the story behind a father coming home in a taxi wearing a hospital gown …

  8. Haha!! “what? the doors open it will find its way out.” Your Dad is hilarious!

  9. Oh my! Keep the memories coming….for your kids….and for us! LOL
    Thanks for the much needed laughs. :)

  10. free penny press

    I agree, let’s just start them out in the world of parental embarrassment from the womb.. Then again, if we do that there will be no funny memory lanes..
    My kids have a ton of things on me I’m sure and I know deep inside they love it :-)

  11. OMG! I grew up with station wagons of various colors and one big, mint-green, Ford LTD… HA!

  12. Great stories, Tops.

    I agree with the Erma Bombeck line MJ quoted. I try to embarrass my son, apparently without thinking. It is partly because I am named challenged (I could not get his last girlfriend’s name straight — It was Scarlett or Charlotte. One of the two.) But there are loads of things I’ve said that embarrassed him that I still scratch my head over. Huh? Laughing and saying “you’re nuts” for example does not mean I am shouting to you about your scrotum. Really, it doesn’t!

  13. They really do love it…we did!

  14. They’re good with the fart jokes. (Although one of my sisters once suggested that I could clear out Walmart, so I guess girls can toot that horn too!)

  15. Your welcome! Can’t wait until your back in business girl.

  16. He went in for a procedure and was scared, yes this big rough and tough teamster was scared.

  17. It really is…it’s my last shred of control. None of us are worthy ..trust me.

  18. Thank you! Hope Grandma life is treating you well.

  19. LOL, your dad definitely wins the embarrassment prize. This is a great story. Can I narrate it for Does This Happen to You?

  20. Your dad set the bar pretty damn high. I think you should aim a little higher with your kids…

  21. My kids wouldn’t know what to do with a toe the line non goofy mum. They secretly think I’m cool. Of course, like most things in life, timing is everything. Love your outlook and philosphy!

  22. Thank you! Of course you’re cool and they definitely know it. Boy especially recognize coolness.

  23. I think you have the makings of a novel here. Passing wind with the top down. Fun post.

  24. These pictures kill me, where do you find them? I love how it reads like long, funny narrative. I’ve never heard your voice yet I can hear you tell me this over lunch or margaritas. My favorite pix are the 3 up front. Too funny.

  25. Your dad sounds like a live wire! Hahaha! Your kids have it good. Funny post!

  26. I love your dad!!!! And your blog. We should all do more embarassing things in life with such verve! Thanks for the guffaws! :-)

  27. I think your father may have win the award for providing embarrassing moments! You’ll have to go a long way to provide such memorable moments for your children…but I’m sure, if you put your mind to it, you could come up with some good ones.

  28. I’ve just been reminiscing with a cousin of mine over Facebook & remembering some of the embarrassing moments that are so memorable to us. You’re right embarrassment = good memories.

  29. I guess with every passing generation, parents get further removed from the “cool” reality of teenagehood. An increased disparity between generational thinking and attitudes?

    Simply delightful and at once relevant.

    Shakti

  30. The story is out on my podcast page, http://kriskkaria.podbean.com. It was so fun to narrate such a great story.

  31. This is hilarious! I’m following you!

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