I’m not sure how many of you out there had the pleasure of being summoned to your school auditorium in 5th or 6th grade for a special screening of Puberty the movie. I know if you went to grade school in the 70′s like me, you were most likely faced with viewing this mandatory film starring none other than … the Birds and the Bees. You could hear the sound relief echoing through my neighborhood as that parental bullet was dodged.
The anticipation that lead up to the screening of this not so oscar worthy film on puberty, periods and pads, was the equivalent to waiting for the answer to “Who Shot JR?” Needless to say it was a huge confusing disappointment to find out there was a painful monthly price to pay if we ever wanted to look like Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. It wasn’t all bad though, in fact the best part about the whole experience was the lovely parting gift that was distributed to the now traumatized group of Catholic school girls … a real life maxi pad and security belt. Now go back to your classroom girls, brush this information under your desk until your wedding day and go on with your day.
Although the jury is still out for me on what’s worse, growing up in the 70′s with everything being hush-hush or growing up today where kids are a Google search away from seeing it all…and then some. When my son was about 10 years old I found the words “big bobbies” in the search engine of my computer. Um, if you can’t spell “boobies” you probably shouldn’t being searching for BIG ones.
Why am I bringing this up you ask? Well, because as awkward as it was to sit through that film, I want to know when I will be summoned to view the sequel. That’s right ladies its time for Menopause the movie. I did see the musical, which was informative and hysterical, but I still have questions.
I know at this age I’m expected to be mature, read books or make appointments with doctors for my answers, but those sources do not discuss the real facts, they just sugar coat what is going to happen to your body. I want to sit down for 30 minutes, hear all the raw dirty details and leave with a parting gift. Is that really too much to ask?
It has come to my attention recently that there are a few facts out there that seem to be kept under wraps when it comes to menopause. For instance the random hairs with the texture of electrical wiring that seem to make an appearance on your body. Chin, neck, cheeks (upper & lower) and nipples…oh, yes you did read that correctly. Where are the ads, commercials, leaflets, gum wrappers…anything for that matter with this information? I guess it’s not as important as the non-functioning penis we have to hear about during every show … every damn day.
Oh, I know you’re all saying “shut up and buy a pair of tweezers Lisa!” I really wish it were that easy, but it’s not. For starters in order to see these unsightly wire-like hairs I actually need the sense of sight which was strong-armed out the door by these aggressive intruders. No one ever said I would need to wear glasses in the shower and perform a full body search on myself … ever!
Seriously, I can do a Google search to find out all the medical facts I need to know about this subject. I’m a click alway from information on all sorts of remedies to reduce symptoms, prescription drugs to stop things in their tracts, but contain side effects that will ultimately kill you and products to prevent me from melting quicker than a snowman on the beach, but not one word about the fact that I may have the ability to grow a goatee quicker than my husband. That’s a really big piece of information to leave by the wayside.
So, after all of my unauthorized research, I have come to the conclusion that between the sudden hair growth, loss of eye sight, shortage of bone density, lack of tolerance for anything remotely resembling a member of the opposite sex, foggy memory, random feelings of bursting into flames and lack of sleep it’s safe to say that in a few short years I will be mistaken for at least 6 of the 7 dwarfs or a disgruntled garden gnome. Who said getting old isn’t fun?
WANTED: Pre-Menopausal woman seeking female friends under 45 with good eyesight who aren’t afraid to point out unsightly hairs while riding shotgun with at least 6 personalities as I do my best to … Enjoy the Ride!