Um … Just When I Thought It Was Safe

birds-n-bees-501I’m not sure how many of you out there had the pleasure of being summoned to your school auditorium in 5th or 6th grade for a special screening of Puberty the movie. I know if you went to grade school in the 70’s like me, you were most likely faced with viewing this mandatory film starring none other than … the Birds and the Bees. You could hear the sound relief echoing through my neighborhood as that parental bullet was dodged.

The anticipation that lead up to the screening of this not so oscar worthy film on puberty, periods and pads, was the equivalent to waiting for the answer to “Who Shot JR?” Needless to say it was a huge confusing disappointment to find out there was a painful monthly price to pay if we ever wanted to look like Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. It wasn’t all bad though, in fact the best part about the whole experience was the lovely parting gift that was distributed to the now traumatized group of Catholic school girls … a real life maxi pad and security belt. Now go back to your classroom girls, brush this information under your desk until your wedding day and go on with your day. 

Although the jury is still out for me on what’s worse, growing up in the 70’s with everything being hush-hush or growingdeea40cacd916a9237b89e30a43eafbb up today where kids are a Google search away from seeing it all…and then some. When my son was about 10 years old I found the words “big bobbies” in the search engine of my computer. Um, if you can’t spell “boobies” you probably shouldn’t being searching for BIG ones.

Why am I bringing this up you ask? Well, because as awkward as it was to sit through that film, I want to know when I will be summoned to view the sequel. That’s right ladies its time for Menopause the movie. I did see the musical, which was informative and hysterical, but I still have questions. 

I know at this age I’m expected to be mature, read books or make appointments with doctors for my answers, but those sources do not discuss the real facts, they just sugar coat what is going to happen to your body. I want to sit down for 30 minutes, hear all the raw dirty details and leave with a parting gift. Is that really too much to ask? 

70b32edaf4933870f48e0142265e8577It has come to my attention recently that there are a few facts out there that seem to be kept under wraps when it comes to menopause. For instance the random hairs with the texture of electrical wiring that seem to make an appearance on your body. Chin, neck, cheeks (upper & lower) and nipples…oh, yes you did read that correctly. Where are the ads, commercials, leaflets, gum wrappers…anything for that matter with this information? I guess it’s not as important as the non-functioning penis we have to hear about during every show … every damn day. 

Oh, I know you’re all saying “shut up and buy a pair of tweezers Lisa!” I really wish it were that easy, but it’s not. For starters in order to see these unsightly wire-like hairs I actually need the sense of sight which was strong-armed out the door by these aggressive intruders. No one ever said I would need to wear glasses in the shower and perform a full body search on myself … ever! 

Seriously, I can do a Google search to find out all the medical facts I need to know about this subject. I’m a click alway from information on all sorts of remedies to reduce symptoms, prescription drugs to stop things in their tracts, but 6553bc2e53a06b86f6d89294bb707d9econtain side effects that will ultimately kill you and products to prevent me from melting quicker than a snowman on the beach, but not one word about the fact that I may have the ability to grow a goatee quicker than my husband. That’s a really big piece of information to leave by the wayside. 

So, after all of my unauthorized research, I have come to the conclusion that between the sudden hair growth, loss of eye sight, shortage of bone density, lack of tolerance for anything remotely resembling a member of the opposite sex, foggy memory, random feelings of bursting into flames and lack of sleep it’s safe to say that in a few short years I will be mistaken for at least 6 of the 7 dwarfs or a disgruntled garden gnome. Who said getting old isn’t fun? 

WANTED:  Pre-Menopausal woman seeking female friends under 45 with good eyesight who aren’t afraid to point out unsightly hairs while riding shotgun with at least 6 personalities as I do my best to … Enjoy the Ride!

44 responses

  1. My wife would add having one of those hand held fans to combat the hot flashes. She laughs at me when I get a sweater out in the summer as she is freezing us in the house. Keep your sense of humor as it may be your best weapons against mother nature.

  2. I hope it’s okay to laugh at this…cause I did.

  3. Oh Lisa, you are hilarious :)

  4. I so get this! I haven’t felt the ravages of menopause yet, (a gift after what I’ve been through) but I agree there is very little and conflicting info out there. The Tamoxifen I’m taking has taken away my periods. It will be interesting to see if they come back when I’m done taking them. I may be in menopause by then!
    I would suggest surrounding yourself with friends your age whose eyesight is going too!

  5. This would be much funnier if it wasn’t so dang true! I was in Catholic school in 1959 when I got the “lesson.” The boys were escorted to some secret place out of earshot. I walked out of there with not much more information than I went in with. It was all about the “cycle” and not about the reproduction angle. Unless you consider the statement that any kiss longer than 3 seconds can make you preggers.

  6. Eek…funny and scary at the same time.As I’m reaching that age, I’m totally freaking out (and looking to buy stock in Tweezerman).

  7. Ok, so you already got the part about good tweezers. I’ll offer one piece of advice. No, two. (1) Exercise. Every day. Hard. Any way you like. This is where the women get separated from the girls. Before MP you can get away with lolly-gagging, but post, it can make the difference between wearing your old pants and a whole new wardrobe. (2) Rest. Stamina isn’t what it used to be. Especially after all that exercise. The good news is that men’s eyesight goes soft, too, so if he takes off his glasses before you get undressed you’ll look as hot as ever.

  8. Though not officially diagnosed as “being there” yet, I’m guessing I am. I’m constantly asking my daughter, “Is it hot in here or it’s me?”

  9. I love the humor – because really – what else can you choose to do besides laugh? I have a 32 year old daughter who is especially adept at pointing out when I have a returning such wire hair right on the end of my nose. Lovely? Oh yeah. And you’re right – I can’t see the unsightly thing.

  10. You could always become a man…..lol and don’t worry I’ll tell you if you have a crazy hair on your chin, even if the rest of the family won’t !!!!

  11. As a Catholic school escapee, the boy’s talk was given by a priest, which is like having a lifelong vegetarian explain what a hamburger tastes like. Anyway the girls and guys swapped notes later that day after school. My cousin who just hit it called it “mentalpause” it was something you didn’t want to happen but were soooo happy when it was over.

  12. Now Tops, what are Brillo whiskers an nipple hairs when you have earned the right to shout Do not cross me or you will die violently. and people will listen and leave you alone.

  13. getting old isn’t for sissies!! I have ‘enjoyed’ hot flashes for the past 20 years… they are getting fewer, but there ain’t nothing like feeling like you just swallowed a volcano and it’s starting to erupt while you are trying to not sweat all your make-up off… yeh, it’s the pits…. ‘that’ talk in the 60’s was even more fun… I had a nun tell us all that you could get pregnant slow dancing… my first date was to a dance, I figured I was doomed…

  14. My estrogen is so low and my testosterone so high that I swear, as I’m sitting and watching tv, sweating as if im in a turkish bath, rubbing my fingers over the newly sprouting chin hairs, I’m wondering if I’m growing a set of balls that I will soon be scratching! It would go great with my new, much lower, voice. Menopause, isn’t it fun?!
    Thanks for the much needed, early morning laugh!

  15. Hahahahahaha Right back at you with the morning laugh…I’m dying!!

  16. Wait a minute….20 YEARS? YEARS? See….no one ever said that either. I must ponder that information today.
    Oh, please the nuns giving sex advice was just the best wasn’t it?…I was certain everything outside of actually having sex is how you got pregnant.

  17. Hahahaha! I’ll assume tho is where the term “justifiable homicide” came from.

  18. Hahahahaha! So true…lol!
    Your cousin is really on to something with her term…I will be using it thank you very much.

  19. Hahahaha! Thank goodness for daughters!!!

  20. I hear you! Just last night I came in asking “Why is the heat on?” My son answered with “Because it’s freezing out!” (40 is not actually freezing)

  21. Thank you for reminding me about my husband’s eyesight, he has been wearing classes since he was 2 so I’m feeling pretty lucky right about now…lol.
    Exercise really is key!

  22. There you go…you’ll be rich with unsightly chin hairs, which puts you in the eccentric category which sounds so much cooler.

  23. Catholic school really was wonderful wasn’t it? Slow dancing, holding hands & kissing all causing pregnancies. I guess that’s why so many girls in my senior class actually were preggers…no one said anything about penises!

  24. Lisa, your last comment on the teachings of Catholic school nuns reminded me of an old joke as a born and raised Southern Baptist. Why do Baptists not make love standing up? People would think they are dancing. Have a great day, BTG

  25. No period works for me, maybe it’s Mother’s Nature’s way of saying “No worries Susie I got this one”

  26. Indeed it’s ok! I was thinking of Baby C and the “big bobbies” in the search engine. My son was lucky enough to have a friend with 2 older brothers, who were so nice to hook the next generation up with all things boobies.

  27. Ha! I have parental blocks on my computers that I assume are working properly.

  28. the poor kid who took me to the dance couldn’t get within a country mile of me during a slow dance!

  29. I don’t remember having that sex talk in school. In my case mine was brought on early by my cancer treatment so I went through it when I was 35. That is except for that crazy facial hair thing. You can feel the buggers if you touch your face but there is no way to see them so you can grab hold and yank. It makes me crazy. (I have said this more than once today maybe I should stop commenting on blogs)

  30. Haha you are hilarious!!! “Big bobbies” made me laugh out loud. And menopause sounds rather frightening, I’m not sure I’m brave enough to google it just yet. I do know that someone told me about 4 weeks before my 27th birthday that you stop building bone density at that age so I only had one month left to stuff myself full of calcium. It was a total womanly fail.

  31. This wa too funny. I do remember those movies in health class along with the drunk driving one they made us watch. Nowadays with the internet these kids know more than we do!

  32. Puberty the movie really killed me. You are so funny.

  33. Hahahaha! No one should ever let a soon to be 27 year old anything about what’s to come, that’s when you are suppose to be out make mistakes to learn from … or in other words having fun. Big Bobbies still cracks me up too…I couldn’t even be mad through all my laughter.

  34. Haha oh I’ve made plenty of mistakes thus far, no worries on that!!!

  35. Um, when they tell you hot flashes only last a few years, that may not be true either. I’d love to narrate this for my podcast.

  36. That was a wonderful read.(I’m sorry) I went through all of this 5 years ago and I suppose I was lucky enough to have few symptoms other than raging hots flashes that seemed to be triggered by an emotional THOUGHT of any kind. (and this still happens) My mood swings were minor as were the rampant stray hairs. Right before this happened I was going through some personal upheaval of sorts and THREW myself, yes literally threw myself in a REALLY hard exercise regimine that left me exhausted but exhilarated that I accomplished something so hard. I continued this diligently for 4 years ( This past year I have slacked off) I really and truly think it made the transition less difficult? My mother had a hysterectomy at 40 so I had no one to compare with genetically. The sleep loss was harder but a bit of Ambien minimized this . I also struggled with the eye’s changing but also eventually got one bi-focal lens and one regular lens and banished the glasses EVERYWHERE. (BEST thing I ever did) Finally I discovered Estrace that has been the virtual cherry on my sunset . I hope you weather the change well and my advice would be to exercise until you almost drop 5-6 days.

    Signed,
    Ms. Bigg Boobies

  37. Welcome to the wonderful world of menopause! Who in the world decided this should be our fate if we wanted to stop having periods?

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