Let It Snow

100209_crazy_weatherman

Weather report or audition for lead dramatic role?

Here in good old Philadelphia we recently experienced the “The First Snow of the New Year”, which for some reason became a major news story.  Every time a flake fell a WEATHER ALERT interrupted my regular scheduled programing to report on the logistics of said flake. It really makes you want to spike your cocoa.

I would love for snow to go back to the days when it was just snow, before it became headline news. Snow has become the Kim Kardashian of precipitation and it’s equally as overplayed in the media.

Wouldn’t it be nice if snow could just go back to being the plain white pain in the ass it use be? I’ll probably sound all sorts of old right now, but I remember the days when it snowed, everyone dealt with it and we moved on. It was so easy…

No one was out interviewing people on their opinion of the flakes, while we sat glued to the “talking box” with bated 16359a10db8fe7fb57bdf1c14130a36dbreath awaiting the judgements of these novice spectators. When someone with one giant tooth in their mouth claims “the roads were fine” I have to question their credibility. If they can’t see how horrid that tooth looks every damn day they certainly aren’t seeing dangerous road conditions … just sayin.

No one was bringing camera crews out to empty parking lots to report on the emptiness of the parking lots and no one and I mean NO ONE was in our face 24/7 informing us about every single movement of these flakes! This does not include the amateur reports on Social Media, which are enough to trample even the strongest of nerves.

One would think that with ALL of the information that was being provided by our media, PEOPLE would have a better understanding of let’s just say … Snules a/k/a Snow Rules. Um, yes they exist is the land of common sense where I reside. Sadly someone forgot to forward the memo over to the land of asses, which happens to be extremely overpopulated these days. I have dubbed these people Snasses … a/k/a Snow Asses.

Snules: n. a piece of advice about the best way to do something.

Snasses: n. a group of people who don’t follow snules; referred to an ass, a-hole or stupid ass on clear weather days.

Below are just a few examples of Snasses and Snules, you know for the next round of flakes. Feel free to take notes. 

Snass: On my white knuckle ride home from the gym during the start of “The First Snow of the New Year” I had someone riding my bumper like I was twerking it up at the VMA’s. 

Snule: Unless you are about to perform a colonoscopy I suggest you stay a safe distance behind strange bumpers.

Snow-car_1558716cSnass: On Friday afternoon, while on my way to the food store for you guessed it …. milk, I encountered what I am lead to believe was a mini van, but since it was completely snow-covered other than the non proportional eye slots no one will ever really be sure, which I’m guessing was the point.

Snule: When you head out onto the roads clean the snow off your car. This includes the ENTIRE vehicle, especially the large glass surface used to SEE the road. Clearing two spaces for your eyes will not suffice.

Snass: On Saturday afternoon my daughter and I were out and about on a quest for new bras. New year… new bras. Any who 26458d05d7b1acd1bd7928fd3333ef5e…  I was being incredibly contained not mentioning the tower of snow on top of the vehicle driving in front of us, but then my daughter unleashed its existence leading to the creation of the word “snass” during my mile long rant.

Snule: Refer back to number 2 to include the ROOF of your vehicle. Driving with a glazier on the top of your vehicle causes blizzard like conditions for everyone driving in your wake. The ONLY exclusion for leaving snow on top of your car would be your lack of arms.

Snass: Parking lots…ugh where do we even begin. Ok, I think it’s safe to assume that the large group of people who decided to venture out for some sales were seasoned mall patrons. Therefore they know EXACTLY how the parking lot is designed and how to use it properly.

Snule: So, unless you have documentation of acute memory loss you need to park in an actual spot…the SIDEWALK leading up the door of the store is NOT suddenly a spot and you know it. 

57073cf4b1cb4b938afeab1f89c6290aSnass: We all know that being out in your Hummer in the middle of a suburban snow storm makes you feel like some sort of warrior, but let me give you a heads-up … YOU’RE NOT. In fact, driving that thing outside of Afghanistan makes you look ridiculous whether it’s sunny or snowing.

Snule: Unless you are actually driving your oversized vehicle through a snow storm in a war zone, you need to SLOW the hell DOWN and remember you might get to go faster, but you’re not going to stop faster. 

Dashing through the snow…enjoying the ride!

Dashing through the snow…enjoying the ride!

Since we are not even through week one of January, it’s safe to say that there will be more snow to come here on the east coast. So please follow the Snules, don’t be a Snass and just Enjoy the Ride! 

29 responses

  1. Yep them snasses were here too. I do believe my car had a colonoscopy by another driver. Either that or they removed hemorrhoids from my exhaust pipe! Loved this!

  2. Yeah, it’s a bitch when ‘Jerry Springer’ gets interrupted. You should see the ‘newspeople’ out here where it rarely snows. Building snowmen out of frost almost. One half inch and they go crazy. As for the Snasses driving… hopeless. Nice Snant! Peanut looks cute though…

  3. […] Humour: Singing Pigs and Life With the Top Down […]

  4. Hahaha! I can imagine the whole snowman making segment …so desperate!

  5. Thanks Kate! It’s not refreshing to know that snasses are taking over the world..ugh.

  6. I have no snow nous or snous, so thanks for these great tips. They will come in handy if I ever live in a snow receiving area, Happy to report that I still have more than one tooth, though :)

  7. The storms even have names now, really? You’ve nailed pretty much every winter road hazard out there. #2 is most terrifying and my biggest pet peeve.

  8. The best line evah: “Snow has become the Kim Kardashian of precipitation and it’s equally as overplayed in the media.”

    I live in the DC area. It is filled with snasses who come from other places where it snows. Apparently when they cross the border into DC, Maryland or Virginia, something sucks the memory of how to deal with snow out through the driver-side window. It makes me nuts.

  9. Since the local news shows don’t want to cover any real news, they tend to go “ga-ga” over storms and snow. Sometimes, I feel like we are awaiting the apocalypse, with some of the shows. With that said, I do watch the weather. BTG

  10. You nailed the Hummer phenomenon. Although, to be fair, it’s anyone with an uber SUV. They watch those commercials of their vehicles going through 4 foot drifts of powder and feel somehow obligated to go do the same. The tow truck operators who make buckets of cash pulling them out of ditches could not be happier.

  11. We are here in NY waiting for it to hit again. Very funny photos, what were people thinking!!

  12. There is nothing like snow in PA! Yes, the days when weather was just weather… when we woke up, saw the roads and yards covered and turned on the radio to see if there were school closings, which most of the time there was not. Loved this post, it brought back wonderful memories of living in snow country, I do miss it. Thanks!

  13. Through most of our snowstorm that turned to an ice storm we were without power so I wasn’t blessed with the idiots telling me it was snowing. I could look out the window in the daytime and see my world was one big ice cube. Very pretty but really cold. Speaking of which they didn’t have to tell me it was really cold out because I could actually see my breath inside my house until I got the fireplace going. Yep. Just common sense and reading our visual and touch senses worked well.

  14. I love the post. I love it to the nth degree. I think I may now have a writer-girl-crush on you now just because of this post.

  15. Clearing two spaces for your eyes will not work???????? Hilarious. Yesterday I sat in 80 degrees and full sun and tonight in Philadelphia I think I will hibernate until April.

    I did however get a couple of awesome photos in the fog last night : D

  16. I like the post. “Snow has become the Kim Kardashian of precipitation and it’s equally as overplayed in the media.”- This line was really really funny!! :)

  17. You are too funny! Isn’t it just hysterical how the newscasters have this look on their face like its the end of days? :)

  18. I love your snules! I live in the snowy north, so I am very familiar with all the ass-hats who don’t follow them!

  19. Pic #4 has blown my mind.
    Thank you for that – it needed a good sweeping out.

  20. The Regular Guy NYC

    It’s amazing, and dumb, how every two inch snowfall becomes a major news story. People panic and run to the supermarkets. Every snow squall is assigned a name.

    Plenty of snasses here in NYC too!

    Great post and funny too!

  21. Its the same way now with gales off the Pacific here in Seattle. We get them every year, year after year. Now, within the last few years, its a big deal. The news is always getting us ready for another big blow! Can I narrate for my podcast! Love the story.

  22. You can tell it is September in Minnesota because the weather guy starts wearing a parka.

  23. Hahaha! As if people in Minnesota aren’t aware of the fact it’s cold where they live…it’s ridiculous. Thanks for stopping by!

  24. Sorry I’m just reading this now…so funny…love Kim Kardashian of precipitation. That’s a great line Top.

    I’m sick of news in general. The panic about snow…like put on your boots and get goin…enough already. It melts so fast that in three days it was as if you dreamt it. Funny piece…Hi peanut…how are they hangin, as they say…

  25. Oh yeah. Give those hummer drivers what for.
    This is what we get with the 24 Hour News Hour. No news? Make some up. Call it snews I guess.

  26. Picture 4, whoa.
    Peanut looks like he’s having so much fun!

  27. Let It Snow is published on my podcast, http://kriskkaria.podbean.com/. Thanks for letting me narrate!

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