Oh….. No…. You…. Didn’t!

Oh..Yes they did and continue to do so! Is it me or do other people walk around in a constant state of feeling like they are part of reality show, but they never got the memo?  Dealing with the public, as we all do, can be very challenging to say the least.  We meet and greet all day, in all different environments. Whether it’s our jobs, schools or daily living, people are everywhere and these interactions can make or break the best of us.  I’m finding it true that our perspective is our control. What people perceive is usually what they believe, and it is based on what they see, hear and think. Personally, I look at almost everything that comes my way with a sense of humor. It’s what keeps me sane….and prevents me from sporting an orange jumpsuit.  Enjoy some samplings with my perspective….

1.  When you are shopping at a Wholesale Food Store, please do not lay on a flatbed cart and have your family push you around the store as you point to the food you want.  It really does emphasize that you are indeed…….TO FAT TO FUNCTION.  Honestly, I don’t know what is more strange, the scene itself or the fact that I seemed to be the only one who noticed!

2.  If you call out sick for the day, just lie like everyone else. Don’t say things like “my boyfriend dropped his gun on my foot and it’s swollen” because now I have ONE MILLION QUESTIONS.  Things like falling, bumping, running & exercising are other good ways to get a swollen foot…just saying.

3.  If you decide to call a doctor’s office to make an appointment for your husband, please refrain from saying this..”my husband is in so much pain he crawled to my side of the bed and asked me to make this appointment” …. (ok, men should only be on their knees near the bed for a few reasons, this is not one of them)  Now, when you are offered an immediate appointment for your man the response should not be..”well, he’s at work” because I will feel obligated to ask “DID HE CRAWL THERE!?”

4. When you are checking out from your appointment and someone inquires about your ill wife you should never respond with “my wife has been in the hospital for 3 weeks, and the cat has been sleeping in our bed.” (This is where it should have ended, but no) “It’s always nice to have a warm pussy in the bed.”  Now, the fact that you are old and sitting on a motorized scooter prevents me from using my filthy mind, however you whispered the part about the “pussy” which leads me to believe we are no longer discussing someone named “WHISKERS.”

5.  If you call your Veterinarian’s office in the middle of the night and claim (in a Scarlet O’Hara voice) “I’m just laying here next to Cher, my Iguana, and she is just burning up with a fever…I just don’t know what to do.”  You better expect to be put on hold for…I don’t know… EVER, or at least until I stop laughing and check the parking lot for the camera crew!

6.  If you choose to hang blue, brass, chrome or the hideous flesh toned “man globes” from the tailgate of your truck, expect me to suggest that you might want to rethink that decision. Please men, if you want to represent your toughness…hang a vagina from the tailgate, they can take a pounding. Seriously, “man globes” are highly sensitive.

7.  If you ask me to help you with your shoes, I have no problem assisting you, but a heads up that you have NO TOES is always welcomed information.  I can’t control my facial expressions and I will not apologize for the WTF look that follows that discovery.

8.  When you go to the store, please make sure you have sufficient funds. I know it’s not easy making ends meet some times, but using $10.00 on (10) different credit cards is just wrong.  I’m not being judgy (yes i am), however you could of held off on the lobster tails.  That money could have been much better spent on…. lets say…a BRA.

9.  If your at the nail salon making your polish selection, screaming things like “It’s the weekend, I want some red nails to get my SEXY SEX on tonight!”  Of course for me, it was love at first statement, but the glaring daggers from the others as I was laughing out loud, just made it awkward.

10. When you are at Kohl’s trying on clothes, please, please, please do not come out of the dressing room in pantyhose without underwear. Jeez.. I was scared to death!  I thought I was being held-up by a bearded intruder, only to be HORRIFIED at the realization it was your Va Jay Jay…Dear God!  (I’ll spare you all by not including a photo)

A sense of humor… is needed armor.

7 responses

  1. Once again an awesome read…this made the weekend better already!


    1. Thanks Kathy! I was laughing so hard remembering these wonderful moments, however some were just this week.


  2. LOL, very funny, loved it.


  3. OMG I know some of these folks! Scary…..


  4. Love the lady who got her sexy sex on with red nail polish! Great post 🙂


    1. She was no kid either! Full of life and fun…


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