This morning was one that really had me thinking …..”How Old Am I?” 

Starting off the day with a *BAM* is not recommended, but it’s ok because I had a plan. I will just go through the motions…coffee pot on, take dog for a walk, shower, get ready and roll. Well, I was side tracked when I could not find my glasses. Ok, upstairs, downstairs, every table, chair, bed, couch…blah blah blah..they are nowhere to be found. The word “crazy” is an understatement in this moment of total blindness! I do a second search…nothing. Finally, someone notices that I am perhaps LOOKING FOR SOMETHING and asks just that….well needless to say in this moment I am frazzled beyond recognition, have been searching like a Navy Seal for 40 minutes and still haven’t gotten a shower…so, I bark…..”Yes!, my glasses and I am going to die if I don’t find them!” Response: “Did you look on the table?”   In this moment I did the right thing in order to avoid the arrest, trial and being someone’s bitch in prison, I refrained from acting on impulse, and just let out a very weak yes as I went to sit down and THINK……THINK…..THINK…..Well, I’ll just wear readers, deal with the headache and call it a day.

The epiphany! When I came downstairs I smelled something, which was my son’s hoodie, that was next to the phone charging and that was the last thing I did before I took my glasses off to go to bed.  So, I had that in my hand as I turned on the coffee pot, which led to the laundry room, a full hamper and a load of wash. The washer!…..I run down the steps, turned off the cycle, remove the 5,000 pounds of wet clothes and TA-DA the glasses!  I put them on the desk, tell the oblivious man in the room “I found them” as I went to get a shower.

It was a very good thing I was standing under water when the knock on the door came, along with the words “do you want me to help you look for the glasses?” because I am confident I would have burst into flames at that moment. Although I would look hideous in an orange jumpsuit, being someone’s bitch was looking good.

As I was driving to work today, in the MLC/Enlightenment Vessel, I started to think about how I allowed myself to get so frazzled over something that in the scheme of things, really wasn’t worth all that anxiety, not to mention a possible prison term. Honestly, I said “I am going to die if I don’t find these glasses.”  For god sakes am I 3 years old dying if I can’t get an ice cream? What was I so afraid of that I thought I would die? Answer: Disappointing my co-worker and boss.  We were short handed and if I couldn’t see, I couldn’t work which would leave them in a a terrible position.

You can have 3 things in a lifetime.  You can have possessions, friends and peace of mind.  “For me,” he said, “the most important is peace of mind.”  Dalai Lama

We would all like to have peace of mind, I know I would, but like this morning I lost it. This happened because when I woke up I had a plan..coffee, dog, shower & go, I didn’t expect the unexpected and tootles to any peace of mind, I was scared.  I attached myself to something that wasn’t happening.  My plan wasn’t working out; I can’t find my glasses; I can’t see and I’m going to be late.  My fear of disappointing others is my attachment. I was afraid of not living up to my self-image of being the dependable; reliable; competent; in control, someone who gets the job done person.  This is an attachment that goes waaaaaayyyyy back to childhood, hence the acting like one in the moment. It goes back to  trying desperately to shine in the shadow of others and not feeling adequate. This attachment bra is being BURNED for good.

I realized in the last few years, through Marianne Williamson..”Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”  All those years I spent in the shadows weren’t wasted, they allowed me to appreciate my light now and …Enjoy the ride!