No Time For Crazy

There are two personalities out there the Just Do It crew and the Let Me Think About It crowd. I fall into the first group, however the husband does not. His style is to spend months researching every angle of every piece of information ever printed on a product before the final decision is made. My style is more of a see it, like it, buy it approach.

Now, these characteristics can compliment each other or drive one of the parties crazy, it really depends on the situation. Yesterday I was thinking about one of the “extreme” situations that went down in this house. The demise of the rodent. My plan was simple “get rid of it” the other plan was equivalent to something you might see in a Pentagon war room.

NOTE: THIS IS THE PG-13 RATED VERSION. THE REAL VERSION RESEMBLES THE SCRIPT TO SCARFACE OR CASINIO. 

Somehow this thing entered our home, we didn’t know what it was, but I wanted it to be gone. The hubby needs to know what it is, how it entered, what it’s been doing, how he will get rid of it and the assurance that “it” or nothing else will ever enter our home again, without an invitation.  Let the hunt begin!

He starts tearing everything apart looking for droppings, which he then took to a shitologist somewhere to be analyzed to determine what sort of creature he is hunting. The very bad news was we were dealing with a “R”. No, not a raccoon. I refuse to say it!  You’ll have to use your imagination. HINT: It rhymes with bat. Ugh..the thought freaks me out so you can magnify my feeling by 100 and that is how much it freaked out the husband.

We couldn’t understand why our Beagle Chester wasn’t going crazy for a scent. He should have been sniffing this thing out.  I came to the conclusion that while we were at work, he was most likely tied to a chair and told to keep his f”n mouth closed. That’s how “R’s” roll. Poor thing was probably scared to death. To this day I swear I saw remnants of duct tape on his paws.

My solution was poison. Don’t the words “R” and Poison go together like Peanut-butter and Jelly? His solution started with taking up the entire kitchen floor! I’ll leave out the part, or maybe not, where he slipped on a beam and crushed his man globes…that really didn’t help matters.

Next came inserting smoke bombs into the ceiling, in hopes this thing would come crawling out gasping for air…NOT. My joke about it having a gas mask wasn’t received very well…except by me. I was entertained for hours. At this point I came up with a plan “B” , which was another simple answer …”let’s move.” It would have been so much easier than dismantling the ceiling downstairs to set traps.

This is where things took a turn right into Crazy Town. It was driving the hubby insane!  Our house was dismantled and this creature was clearly laughing his furry ass off the whole time.

Next came the internet research on the characteristics of this creature, trying to figure out how the brain of a “R” operates. He was going to get inside its head. Seriously, I had looney tune town on speed dial at this point.  Brace yourself for what happened next…

I woke up in the middle of the night and the hubby is not in bed.  My first thought was…”Oh no!” I went downstairs and was not prepared for what I saw…My “husband” was sitting on the kitchen table, in the dark, in his underwear, with a gun (pellet gun borrowed from our neighbor) waiting. Ok, now do you understand the level of insanity?  He was one rocking motion away from being committed, by me. This mission failed…you really don’t want the details.

FINALLY, my plan was considered and the poison was purchased. He placed it in 5 places and documented the locations of the poison. I would never have thought to do that!  He was home from work that day, I on the other hand made a mad dash out of Crazy Town and happily went to my job.  Next thing you know I received a phone call that went like this:

Hubby:  “I think it ate the poison”

Me:   “How do you know?”

Hubby:  “I think I hear it coughing, I feel so bad”

Me:  “Can you hold a second?” “Coughing I hope the f”n thing chokes! Bad? Yea, I feel real f ‘n bad that I’m not home stomping the f’n fur ball to death myself! “ “Hey, thanks for holding, sorry about that. I can’t believe you feel bad, 2 nights ago you were sitting on the kitchen table, in the dark, with a gun in your hand.”

Hubby:  “I know but it sounds like it’s suffering”

Me:   “I’ve been suffering since this f”n fur bag entered our house!”

Hubby:   “Shhh, I think the coughing is slowing down”

Me:   “Just get a pillow and finish the job!”  I’ve been pushed to a Robert DeNiro level!

Hubby:  “I think it’s dead..ugh I feel so bad now”

Me:  “I want to see the body when I get home, I need to know it’s dead”

Hubby:  “Don’t you feel bad?”   Me:   “NO!”

This is the sort of shit challenge that could make of break a marriage, honest to God! To this day he feels bad, meanwhile I’m always scouting out good places to dump the body…just in case the need should arise.

Yes, the kitchen floor was remodeled, the phone wires were replaced, the dishwasher was re-wired, the basement ceiling was fixed and my home was clean from top to bottom….literally. (Hubby can fix/remodel/design anything)

In the end we both got a better understanding of what makes us tick. I’ve learned to ponder on things a little more, while the husband was told to realized he needs to stop making things so complicated. Chillax and Enjoy the Ride!

27 responses

  1. Oh dear, I think I am in your husband’s court. I would have named the poor thing.

    1. It was so insane that one of them had to go. Since the hubby pays the bills…the fur ball was out. Lol! To this day I can not believe the damage that thing did..they are brilliant.

  2. One, That is the most awesome hunt a rat story ever.
    Two, If he wanted to keep it alive he should have set a trail of marshmallows and graham crackers ala the secret life of bees.

  3. Reblogged this on therealwithdarylanddevon@.wordpress.com and commented:
    Hillarious take on battling Willard’s favorite pet.

  4. There is a guilt free way of getting rid of rodents. Especially those with teeth: http://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2011/10/18/life-stinks/

    1. Where were you when I needed you! It was weeks that this went on and I knew week 2, one of us would be leaving….breathing or not. lol

      1. Ahh, but it was my husband you needed!

  5. the curtain raiser | Reply

    Your hubby sounds like mine, he’s a researcher through and through as well. Drives me batty. However, we wise women know when to humour our hubbys and make the solution appear like their idea :).

  6. the curtain raiser | Reply

    My hubby is a ponderer and researcher too, drives me batty. However we wise women know when to humour our hubbys and make the solution appear to be HIS idea. They usually get there … eventually :).

  7. Haha! That was a great story!!
    I found a rat in my place once. Okay, my dog found it, caught it, took it to the backyard and came back in terrified. I love my dog

    1. God only knows what went down out there Miss….clearly your dog has earned the love!

  8. I just love reading ur posts….you always make my day!

  9. I feel bad for the little fella from here. Not to mention his little r family. 😦

    1. The husband brought up the family too. My response was … “He didn’t seem to give a crap about “his family” when he chewed his way in here” I probably should have been medicated during that time period. lol

      1. I forgive your indifference to the r’s plight. Rats are creeporama!

  10. Michelle Gillies | Reply

    I went through this with a mouse a couple of months ago. It was a mouse I say! That’s my story and I am sticking to it.

    1. Hahahahaha! When I told my husband I wrote about the “R” he screamed. I guess he feels judged…hey it’s a compliment, it knew we have the nicest house..it had standards.

  11. My wife is the do it now type, no delay. I need time. Since neither of us remodel or fix anything – though she can assemble all things Ikea – when we first faced the R thing, we turned to the family cat. It worked.

  12. free penny press | Reply

    Haha… I’m with you.. give me the bat, let me finish himn off and toss him out with Tuesday’s trash.. too funny this post!!

  13. Absolutely hilarious! Thanks for the laugh! Much appreciated 🙂
    I can just picture your hubby sitting there waiting to say “Say hello to my little friend!”

  14. You two crack me up! I really wish I still lived 10 houses down from you so I could have come over with coffee in hand to watch the battle of the R go down! If it makes you feel any better, down here in the country we get spiders the size of R’s. A few months ago, there was a ginormous spider in the garage, so I grabbed the death spray, sprayed it directly at that thing for a good minute, it looked at me, snorted the spray & ran away laughing at me the whole time!
    Thank you once again, for a much needed laugh 🙂

  15. Hilarious story. Can I narrate it for my podcast this week? Its a Does This Happen to You for sure.

  16. I enjoy your posts all the time, but this one.. hands down winner!!! Love it, have lauged so hard reading it. I am in your court, poison it, kill it, do whatever it takes, just get it out of my house! We lived on a canyon when we were in Southern CA. We had critters think our home was a B&B, never thought of using a bb on them though, great idea. Your imagery is incredible in this post. Love it! Thanks for making my day! DAF

    1. Glad you enjoy it! It was much better writing about it than it was living it.

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