Sanity Is Boring

A Full Moon + Excessive Heat and Humidity = Straight-Up Crazy.

This is just a taste of my personal cray cray. It does not include the end of the world weather we are experiencing, rising gas prices or the disappointment of Magic Mike at a theatre near you.

Monday:  Everyone in this house is up and out early. My husband, son and myself were sitting in the living room waiting for my son’s friend/co-worker to arrive. Now, it is 5:45 a.m. so, we are not talking, just sitting.

My husband breaks the silence with … you guessed it, WIND. My son and I start laughing before he gets all serious and comes out with … “How come no one says anything when someone farts…you know like God Bless You when someone sneezes?”

The room fell silent again as we all eagerly tried to solve world peace the fart question, just as his friend walks in with a big “wow, it’s really quiet in here are you having an intervention or something?” Remember it’s not even 6:00 a.m. yet. 

I informed him that we were just trying to figure out why people don’t say God Bless You when someone farts, like they do when someone sneezes. The seriousness of that statement is insane.  He responds with a very frank “because it’s gross.”

Ok guys, it’s 6:00 a.m., this meeting is adjured…get out and have a good day.

Tuesday:  There isn’t enough space to include the amount of insanity that occurs in a Doctors’ office during a full moon, but a full moon before a holiday in a heat wave…Sweet Jesus! Everyone has an emergency that started 3 weeks ago, but they wait until the day before a holiday to demand an appointment. Suddenly we’re the bad guys because we can’t squeeze them in for their “emergency” which is never life threatening, until they say it out loud. “I’m going to the beach and I don’t like the way my 2nd toe looks.” Omg! Not the 2nd toe, not the one that didn’t go to the market! 

Wednesday:  Independence day. Against all I believe I went to the store…yes, the freaking supermarket on a holiday, because we were out of milk. While in the store I had a lovely exchange with a complete stranger. Who happened to be dressed as a human flag.

Stranger:  “You don’t look very patriotic”

Me:  “What does patriotic look like?”  He was so caught off guard with this response.

Stranger:  ……”Well, you’re not wearing red,white & blue.”

Me: “Is it mandatory?”

Stranger:  Slowly rolls his cart away.

Me:  Pondered for a moment about the amount of fucks I gave for not wearing red,white and blue…I concluded with “0.”

When I got to the car I realized I was wearing black/gray, subconsciously representing the grief I feel because stores are actually open on national holidays!

This glorious day ended with our neighbor, who is not a pyrotechnic specialist, setting off fireworks that ignited the brush behind our homes. Thank you Bud Light, thank you very much! 

Thursday:  Good morning giant tree that fell behind my house, it’s so lovely to see you blocking my gate at 4:50 a.m. when my dog needs to pee. Clearly Mother Nature is menopausal. 

The mid-week holiday transformed Thursday into a second Monday. I really hate when this happens. I wasted precious time in the morning gathering the trash, because MONDAY is trash day…O, yes I did. That’s pretty much how the rest of the day went, until I got home and the real joy began.

There appeared to be an unusual more than one amount of flies in the house. Yes, you could say Amityville horror level …I would actually welcome a poltergeist at this point.

 The killing spree began as soon as I put my bags down, then I went looking for the hubby. I informed him of the slaughter upstairs and he questioned me on my method of disposal. I told him I used Windex. It really lives up to that multi-purpose title.

Lord knows I didn’t expect the “You’re not right” response. He told me to use the shop vac and then let them go free outback. Wait! I’m going to lug the shop vac around the house capturing live flies into a vortex, then lug the shop vac outback in a million degree heat, to set their dizzy asses free? 

Um…..NO! I prefer to blind them with the Windex and flush them down the toilet. He wouldn’t hurt a fly, however SHE has no problem maiming & murdering. 

Friday: Heat advisories suggested we stay indoors, however my mother suggested she needed a hair cut. So, since mothers trump advisors, I took her to get her hair done.

As I sat waiting, a woman walked in for an appointment. I’m giving her the once over because it’s hot as hell and shorts were involved when I noticed a lump on the back of her leg. Now, as if the lump wasn’t alarming enough, the fact that there was a tattoo of an Alien that appeared to be holding the lump as if it were a planet, bells & whistles could be heard for miles. Oh, don’t worry, I wasn’t leaving without an explanation.

This actually looks better…

Me:  That’s an interesting tattoo.

Her:  Oh, yea isn’t it cool?  That lump wouldn’t go away, so I put the tattoo there to make it interesting.

It’s safe to say that my facial expression pretty much let out a big ole …”dear lord woman I can only hope you were in a drunken stupor when that dumb ass decision went down.”  

Me:   Just nodded. I think. I know there were no words…nothing out loud..I hope.

These are the things that add a little spice to our days and flavor to our lives. Just embrace the crazy, laugh out loud and ….. Enjoy the Ride! 

36 responses

  1. Huh. So it never occurred to her to have a doctor look at the lump? Sounds like a smart gal.

    1. You don’t even understand how insane that was from my perspective. I go from lump to the grave, meanwhile Betty oblivious is turning it into a planet!

  2. I love that you embrace the crazy!!!! What else can you do?!?

  3. Well, as a fake medical professional, I can explain why no one says “God Bless You” after farting. Well, two reasons, actually. (1) They stink; and (2) they lower your blood pressure so that it doesn’t mean you are ill: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4406033/Boffins-Flatulence-could-cure-high-blood-pressure.html
    .

    Yes, I am a wealth of knowledge, Tops. But you’re on your own for the flies.

    1. Hahahahaha..looks like I’ll have some interesting facts to through around the dinner table!
      Oh, I am winning the fly war and my windows are sparkling from all the windex.

  4. Somehow I like her tattoo already! It seems interesting
    Everyone in the house was feeling really hot too, so they had the temperature turned all the way down. I was the one hiding under a blanket from the cold

    1. I think it was a homemade tattoo…I’m still not over it! We are all about blankets with the AC on in this house.

  5. As always, you have me LMFAO! 🙂

  6. Living life with a sense of humor is the only way to enjoy the ride!
    Too funny!

    1. So true! Otherwise there would just be bodies every where…that wouldn’t be good.

      1. Especially in line at the grocery store. Not too appetizing…. 🙂

  7. I saw the photos of various geniuses who took their unsightly but anatomically correct navels and used them as the focal point for tattoos of a cat’s ass. I had almost managed to forget the image and my accompanying “Whaa?!” when you brought up the alien tatt. I’m just old maybe. As others have pointed out, it’s nothing short of ironic that you see people who are unhappy with the appearance of their toes in a doctor’s office and people with unexplained leg lumps at a hair salon. Not to get preachy, but…maybe one of the problems with healthcare in this country is that people will spend money on body ink that they could have used to go to see a medical professional. I’ve met quite a few folks with thousands of dollars worth of tattoos on their bodies, but no teeth and no health insurance…ugh…now I’ve gone and gotten myself all riled up…

    1. Don’t leave out $80.00 for a carton of smokes…but can’t pay the 30.00 co-pay.

      1. amen sister! yer preachin to the choir!

    1. You were in my mind during the execution. I actually thought “Kate would not approve”

  8. …and did we ever find out “who” in the house was drawing the flies?

    1. I think they just wanted some AC. Unless you are contributing to PECO…you’re getting the Windex!

      1. Thanks for the clarification GUS! LOL

  9. Does my second toe look infected to you? I’ve been putting off scheduling an appointment, but now that it’s starting to turn patriotic colors… I don’t know. It’s either this or another tattoo, I guess…

  10. Good LORD you crack me up! That damned second toe…always complaining about not going to the market. Yet, for me it was the pinkie toe that ran “Wee! Wee! Wee!” straight into the kickboard of a kitchen cabinet, effectively breaking itself in two. And nothing can be done for a broken pinkie toe…

  11. Oh my, you had a quite a week. Can I narrate this? Seems like a Does This Happen to you week!

  12. I used to think Mother Nature was on crack ……..but I now agree, she’s menopausal! Crazy bitch! LOL
    In true Lisa fashion, you’ve managed to give me sore stomach muscles from laughing. Kudos to you 🙂
    Lee

  13. So many good lines here. Love ‘mothers trump advisers.’ I really like how you threaded the laughter through the entire timeline. There was not one empty space. Really enjoyed it.

  14. I can’t believe my kids haven’t asked me the fart question yet. Now I fear it’s coming. Funny post.

    1. That is one of the mild questions…be afraid. Thanks for stopping by!

  15. Actually, I think when someone farts, the people in the immediate vicinity should say “God Bless Us.”

    1. Hahahaha…the men in this house will be very happy to hear this suggestion. Thanks for stopping by.

  16. ….and “keep passing the open windows” one of my favorite John Irving lines, but better make sure the screen is down on account of the flies!

  17. Love, love, love this post! Thanks for the smiles and the laughs! DAF

  18. You are too funny! The ability to see the ridiculous in everyday life is wonderful, to write about it all in an entertaining and numerous way afterwards is magic! Loved the flies and windex episode. Sort of reminds me of My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

  19. Here is the story on my podcast, http://kriskkaria.podbean.com. I really had fun with it!

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