Two weeks ago today I graduated from therapy. It’s been a long 3 1/2 years of eye-opening sessions that have left me stronger, wiser and a better me. So why the hell am I so disappointed? There was no ceremony, no party…nothing. Just me in a chair hearing the dreadful words … “I really don’t think you need me any more.”
When I say I never saw that coming, I’m not exaggerating. This is when the groveling began. Is there someone else who needs my hour? But, I love coming…I need you. Then came the response….“You can always call me if your need me.” The only thing missing was the “we can still be friends” line. For the love of God take the knife out of my heart already!
Is it a coincidence or have I been on an emotional roller coaster ride since that day? Did I mention how much I despise rides? Suddenly I felt like a teenager venturing out into the “real world” with unrealistic expectations to become a responsible adult over night. You’ve graduated, congratulations! Oh yea, good luck with all that now.
The first test after graduating was reading very poignant pieces written by several of the bloggers I follow regarding mothers. All three had lost their mothers at different stages of their lives, but it didn’t matter the result was the same…emptiness. Each piece tugged a little more at my heart-strings. This is where my head began it’s journey downward on full throttle.
My mother is still here, but the relationship is different, she is older. I can no longer confide in her with my concerns because she worries at the drop of hat. So what does a good daughter do….she lies. Everything is great, yup fine and dandy around these parts. You can not fool a mother! Suddenly she is calling me more often, no doubt waiting for me to slip up and spill the beans. There are days when you just want your mother dammit! Just when I was on the brink of darkness, along came a light…
I have the pleasure of following a wonderful blog that puts a smile on my face every day. Susannah is not a mother it the literal sense of the word, but she is a mother none the less to so many who need that occasional “are you ok?” in their life. Whether it be an animal, a homeless person or a stranger like myself.
Susannah has some serious mother senses! She recognized it my writing …”you seem glum is everything ok?” What? How? Of course she didn’t believe my poor acting, so she sent me a link to a hysterical video, along with a few comforting words that instantly turned my frown upside down. Virtual healing of the heart compliments of a verb mother.
Next on the list, an extreme sense of worry. As I was sitting one morning, enjoying a cup of java with the husband, my head began to spin…literally. I was about to faint, but I scared myself out it. Apparently screaming is the key.
My husband held me through it but really could not understand my concern/fear/insanity. These were his words “I get that all the time. I just tell myself I don’t have time for this shit.” Let me get this straight, your head spins out of nowhere on more than one occasion and you don’t think you have a brain tumor? Ok, it’s official, I want a penis!
I barely made it to work that day. Thank goodness my co-worker was available to talk me off the cliff so I could arrive safely. I conveniently work for a doctor, who was most likely second guessing his hiring decision in this moment.
After I explained everything to him he looked right at me and said “Lisa, I thought something was really wrong” while assuring me everything was fine. Logical Lisa comprehended all he was saying, yet big strong Loony Tune Lisa pushed her right out-of-the-way and began making funeral arrangements.
Let me explain…when Looney Tune Lisa takes over there are no cures, treatments or pills…nope she hurdles from a symptom directly to the grave. Welcome to the inside of my head a/k/a batshit crazy.
So much more has occurred in the weeks following graduation, but since it doesn’t involve the normal post-graduation shenanigans of excessive drunkenness and poor decision-making, I won’t bore you with the details.
All I can say is when I logged onto Facebook this morning, after a week chock full of ups, downs, doubts and worry, I must admit I was stunned at the brilliance of Facebook god. She really knows her shit!
This day of your life, Lisa, we believe God wants you to know … that animals and children can be incredible role models … Even ‘roll models’. Watch them as they roll around on the grass, scratching their backs, feet gleefully kicking up in the air. Notice the freedom they enjoy and the obvious joy they feel in that freedom. This freedom is very important for adults, too. Don’t get stuck in ruts of seriousness. Let your wild spirit run free once in a while.
It’s time for me put my fears aside and recognize how amazing my life can be. Take a deep breath and of course, Enjoy the Ride!