Two weeks ago today I graduated from therapy. It’s been a long 3 1/2 years of eye-opening sessions that have left me stronger, wiser and a better me. So why the hell am I so disappointed? There was no ceremony, no party…nothing. Just me in a chair hearing the dreadful words … “I really don’t think you need me any more.”
When I say I never saw that coming, I’m not exaggerating. This is when the groveling began. Is there someone else who needs my hour? But, I love coming…I need you. Then came the response….“You can always call me if your need me.” The only thing missing was the “we can still be friends” line. For the love of God take the knife out of my heart already!
Is it a coincidence or have I been on an emotional roller coaster ride since that day? Did I mention how much I despise rides? Suddenly I felt like a teenager venturing out into the “real world” with unrealistic expectations to become a responsible adult over night. You’ve graduated, congratulations! Oh yea, good luck with all that now.
The first test after graduating was reading very poignant pieces written by several of the bloggers I follow regarding mothers. All 
three had lost their mothers at different stages of their lives, but it didn’t matter the result was the same…emptiness. Each piece tugged a little more at my heart-strings. This is where my head began it’s journey downward on full throttle.
My mother is still here, but the relationship is different, she is older. I can no longer confide in her with my concerns because she worries at the drop of hat. So what does a good daughter do….she lies. Everything is great, yup fine and dandy around these parts. You can not fool a mother! Suddenly she is calling me more often, no doubt waiting for me to slip up and spill the beans. There are days when you just want your mother dammit! Just when I was on the brink of darkness, along came a light…
I have the pleasure of following a wonderful blog that puts a smile on my face every day. Susannah is not a mother it the literal sense of the word, but she is a mother none the less to so many who need that occasional “are you ok?” in their life. Whether it be an animal, a homeless person or a stranger like myself.
Susannah has some serious mother senses! She recognized it my writing …”you seem glum is everything ok?” What? How? Of course she didn’t believe my poor acting, so she sent me a link to a hysterical video, along with a few comforting words that instantly turned my frown upside down. Virtual healing of the heart compliments of a verb mother.
Next on the list, an extreme sense of worry. As I was sitting one morning, enjoying a cup of java with the husband, my head began to spin…literally. I was about to faint, but I scared myself out it. Apparently screaming is the key.
My husband held me through it but really could not understand my concern/fear/insanity. These were his words “I get that all the time. I just tell myself I don’t have time for this shit.” Let me get this straight, your head spins out of nowhere on more than one occasion and you don’t think you have a brain tumor? Ok, it’s official, I want a penis!
I barely made it to work that day. Thank goodness my co-worker was available to talk me off the cliff so I could arrive safely. I
conveniently work for a doctor, who was most likely second guessing his hiring decision in this moment.
After I explained everything to him he looked right at me and said “Lisa, I thought something was really wrong” while assuring me everything was fine. Logical Lisa comprehended all he was saying, yet big strong Loony Tune Lisa pushed her right out-of-the-way and began making funeral arrangements.
Let me explain…when Looney Tune Lisa takes over there are no cures, treatments or pills…nope she hurdles from a symptom directly to the grave. Welcome to the inside of my head a/k/a batshit crazy.
So much more has occurred in the weeks following graduation, but since it doesn’t involve the normal post-graduation shenanigans of excessive drunkenness and poor decision-making, I won’t bore you with the details.
All I can say is when I logged onto Facebook this morning, after a week chock full of ups, downs, doubts and worry, I must admit I was stunned at the brilliance of Facebook god. She really knows her shit!
This day of your life, Lisa, we believe God wants you to know … that animals and children can be incredible role models … Even ‘roll models’. Watch them as they roll around on the grass, scratching their backs, feet gleefully kicking up in the air. Notice the freedom they enjoy and the obvious joy they feel in that freedom. This freedom is very important for adults, too. Don’t get stuck in ruts of seriousness. Let your wild spirit run free once in a while.
It’s time for me put my fears aside and recognize how amazing my life can be. Take a deep breath and of course, Enjoy the Ride!
Life With The Top Down 
this blog post was a ride — a good one
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That you and thanks for stopping by!
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My mother is getting older too and painting horrible pictures of a future time when she might have to come to live with me. This is so disturbing since my suicide attempt was triggered by the thought of having to live with her for the rest of my life. She wasn’t the worst mother in the world but she made me angry and neurotic and didn’t take my mental illness seriously. She didn’t teach me how to take care of myself and was cruel when I needed more. Part of me hopes she dies soon so I’ll never be bullied by her demands again.
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I don’t even know what to say other than that is so sad Jean. That old saying “someone always has it worse” has continued to pop into my head during the last few weeks and you are certainly proof.
I know you can relate to how powerful your head can be at times. I have to tell there was one morning where I felt paralyzed. You posted that breathing technique video and I swear it saved me!
Writing this blog has connected me with people who help me everyday. Thank you Jean and I hope your hope comes true!.
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I’m so glad that video helped. Thank you for your kind words I really need those now 😉
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Sometimes it may feel like you are traveling throughout life without a safety net. That’s OK, sometimes we don’t even know our own resilience and safety net structures until we really need them. My mother too worries at the drop of a hat, so filtering is required.
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Logical Lisa really knows this to be true…it’s getting Looney Tune Lisa to understand, that’s the challenge.
My mother was never like this, or she was and she hid it well I’m not sure. Yesterday I told her my washing machine was acting up and I kid you not…she was worrying.
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I hope you’re better now. The Gods of the internet really know their stuff.
Also, why is that only women get batshit crazy (that’s me around 80% of the day)? I want a penis too!
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That my friend is the million dollar question! I wonder if it’s because the penis has a mind of it’s own that counteracts the other brain. We need to do a study!
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Awesome post. I would say more but my brain is fogged in by a cold. And don’t believe all the hype about the penis. It makes us die younger than you and causes us to behave reprehensibly on occasion. 😛
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All true, however the 2 that live in my house never have a care in the world. I’ll take one week a year with a penis…it will be like a vacation.Hope you feel better : )
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I think you may have stumbled onto why men will spend serious cash on Viagra. I’m guessing that if the penis stops acting like it always has, men may stop being able to count on them for sanity.
On a more serious note (although, what could possibly be more serious than E.D.?), I’ve had my share of brain issues in recent months, despite having a penis. I actually started a post about it, but it’s mired in the limbo state of many of my “started” posts.
I took your message from God and went out in the yard. While there, I rolled in a decomposing bird behind the garage – I think it was a blue jay. Thanks God! Now the family is pissed at me and I had to get a bath with perfumed shampoo and cold water from the hose. I guess I can forget about getting on the furniture anytime soon…
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Hahahahahaha!!!! I wish my head had a big OFF button. Having a vivid imagination really works against me in moments like he past 3 weeks, but helps when imagining you rolling on that blue jay…lol. I did the same thing starting & stopping posts…I was all over the place with my thoughts.
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Having an “Off” switch for my head would be great. You don’t have to be Siggy Freud to figure out that’s why I keep the house stocked with tequila.
Life is supposed to be simple at the stage that I’m in, and yet, my imagination and occasional paranoia make it worse than ever.
Blogging has been therapeutic for me, but it’s a double edged sword. If I write something and don’t get enough hits or people misinterpret it, it can do me more harm than good. Maybe that’s why my posts tend to be about goofy subjects.
Anyway, you should feel free to confide your worries and fears in me anytime, though it’s only fair to warn you, I’m not exactly sane myself.
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Thank you! You gave me a great laugh this morning. I appreciate that offer and just might take you up on it, hopefully you won’t regret it : )
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Anytime.
Crazy loves company!
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Oh, indeed it does!
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I don’t really think getting a penis is an option but you are right. It has an overwhelming brain that runs the other one. I have a great husband but I gave up trying to explain things to him a while back. He is clueless. He gets his own things that I think are crazy. He does try to do nice things when he thinks I am losing it — like Starbucks or a pizza. Sometimes I really need a good cry. I have a great girl friend that can be part counselor. She doesn’t think I am crazy because she is right there next to me. We try to alternate crazy spells. Hope next week is better for you. Love your blog. I can always relate (yeah, even today) and it makes me laugh.
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Thank you for your kind words. My co-worker and I rotate crazy spells..thank goodness we have each other.Just when you think no one will ever understand, bam they are there to make it all better. My hubby, as wonderful as he is in so many other ways, does not do well with my crazy. He just walks around with a helpless look on his face and randomly sends me smile faces or photos to cheer me up during the day. Looking forward to a better week ahead : )
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Lisa, as I navigate this world alone (no parents, kids almost gone, no partner) sometimes I think it may be best I go live in a small fishing village in Mexico then I remember, running away solves nothing.. I get loopy too and merely say”it’s just a passing thing”.. You will be fine, You are strong 🙂
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The penis is not a panacea. It comes with baggage as well. 😛
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I have had that awful feeling of leaving therapy & wondering “What’s next?” too. Living with 2 kinds of vertigo, I also know the feeling of your head spinning out of control. Living with Panic Disorder, I can also relate to thinking you’re going to die every time a little something goes wrong. If you need someone to bounce things off, I’m usually around & I’ve lived through so much already I can probably relate.
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Thank you so much. Just knowing I’m not the only one makes m feel better. I just might take you up on your offer…you’ve been warned. Thanks again for your words.
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This was great…put it all down… get it out of you onto the page. Bet you felt so much better when you hit send.
Whenever I went to my mother she’d always tell me to eat. Didn’t matter what the circumstances were, there was nothing a sandwich or a plate of ziti couldn’t cure. I’m lucky I wasn’t the size of a house.
My favorite line was the funeral arrangements…your humor pushes to the front of the line every time. It’s where your strength hides out so next time you’re out of sorts remember to look there.
So glad you wrote this and thanks for calling me a mother, always wanted to be one.
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Thanks for pushing me Susannah…you really helped me through the darkness.
Please an Italian mother knows food heals all. My mother also felt a white sheet had healing powers. That is a post in itself!
As for the funeral arrangements…the truth is hilarious..hahaha.
Oh, you are a mother every day you hit the streets with that baguette!
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Gee, Lisa, I was just thinking about going to get therapy, but since it would mean I’d have to suffer withdrawal from it when it was over, I think I’ll just forget it. Maybe you could start whith someone new and tell her or him that you are having abandonment issues from the dismissal from your previous therapist.
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Go for it, Tops. But remember sometimes Bat Shit crazy is great fun.
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Congrats on graduating, Lisa. That’s quite an accomplishment when the therapist says you’re where you need to be.
Me – I’m just too much of a simpleton to have too many worries about complicated stuff. I do have some hereditary brain chemistry issues with anxiety and panic – flying phobia, claustrophobia, etc. – that didn’t hit me until I was almost 40. Thanks mom’s side of the family. 🙂
You’re far more “normal” than you think, my friend!
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Thanks MJ! Mine didn’t hit until the 40’s either, very unfair if you ask me.
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Sorry to be tardy to the party …. just wanted to throw this one out at you – have you ever considered going to a hypnotherapist? I’ve spent WAY too much money seeing counselors and found myself back in the same place. But then I discovered a hypnotherapist and she turned my thoughts around. It’s amazing what one can discover sitting on that type of couch 🙂
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have been swamped with company and not able to read posts I love to read. This post made me want to reach through cyber space and hug you. If I were closer I would sit and we could detail our batshit crazy times, laugh over them, cry over them and I would hold onto your hand and try to make your heart a bit lighter and your smile a bit easier. Hope this week is better for you. Thanks for the honesty and this post. You bless me. DAF
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