Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am

Well folks, like the old Dion song goes here’s my story sad but true. No, no, no, it isn’t about that tramp run-around Sue, I could handle her. This unexpected encounter was much more devastating than some heartbreaker. Probably not true, but I’m building suspense. 

We met Tuesday evening as I was trying to get everything done in order to settle in for the Presidential Debate. There were no formal introductions. Our eyes didn’t lock from across the room. It was more of a quickie, over before it even got started. Wham bam thank you ma’am if you will.

I’m sure you’ve figured it out by now…..Yep, that’s right genius followers, my toe slammed right into a chair leg without so much as a “hey, how you doin?”  Did I see stars? I sure did, along with the rest of the solar system. The hubby is out-of-town and my son was in the shower, so I was alone with my pain and that slew of obscenities. 

This is a Halloween snack, not my toe. However, the resemblance is uncanny.

Immediately after settling down it seemed as if my sock suddenly had my foot in a choke hold. Never a good sign. I unveiled my foot and lo and behold, my 4th toe had been replaced by a cocktail weenie. As if feet aren’t unattractive enough….

Bottom line is that my 4th toe is broken, which led me to wonder about the 4th toe. According to the ole This Little Piggy Went To The Market lore , the 4th toe is the one that “had none.” The 4th toe’s claim to fame is being the sad sac of the this world renown story.

The story that is recited in households everyday to bring giggles to children and parents. As you know the story starts out with excitement as the first piggy going to the market and ends with the very dramatic wee wee wee journey home of the 5th toe.

But in between is the downward turn of this little piggy had none whomp whomp. As if that weren’t bad enough, now it will be spending the next 4 weeks taped to #3, the holder of all that roast beef. Life can certainly be cruel at times.

My son as he saw himself with his zit.

The reaction from my family regarding this tragic event is nothing short of classic.

Son: Wow! At least it’s not on your face like this 3rd eye I have on my forehead. Me: Yea, that’s true. Hey, did you register that thing to vote?  Son: Mom! Me: It’s really not that bad. It had a pulse, I was lying.

Daughter:  No pedicure for you. Me: Yes, they wouldn’t appreciate the cocktail weenie. Daughter: Hahaha, especially since they already think you have “feet like man.” You know what, they have small hands that give the illusion of man feet.

Then there was the husband’s reaction. Now, he was out-of-town, so when he called I told him about the encounter. He suggested I stay home and apply ice. So sweet. However, he must have forgotten that I work for a PODIATRIST. You know, the doctor that deals with my injury EVERY DAY.  

Please refer to the visual of our text conversation following the diagnosis…enjoy.

Nothing like getting the cricket response after that comment. I’ll assume he fainted after my response and the maid found him the next day.

I’m happy to report my son’s zit has stopped pulsating and he will be able to resume life as a 17 year old boy, not a cyclops.  My toe is now a lovely shade of plum, which is perfect for October, so it will be out and about enjoying the weekend.

It’s nice when things settle down enough to … Enjoy the Ride! 

32 responses

  1. They should have taped it to the second piggy that stayed home so it could take care of things! LOL awesome read!

  2. I agree with the comment above, so you could stay home…. but you could also be a walking billboard for your boss… take care, watch those chairs and I will be thinking of you.

    1. The chairs need to stop jumping in front of me.

  3. I can relate – I run into things all the time and think that my third and fourth toes on my right foot are just used to be broken — time heals all wounds except broken toes

    1. Oh, now that it’s broken it’s like a magnet to all object that aren’t tucked away! I think I need to wrap it in bubble wrap.

      1. I know — it is like it has the law of attraction all in one toe

  4. Michelle Gillies | Reply

    I just never got the whole broken toe thing. It is excruciatingly painful and all they can do is tape it? Does this injury not warrant more attention than that? Full immobilization, heavy duty painkillers. Someone waiting on you hand and … well, foot?

    1. I agree 100%! This pain requires some sort of something other than tape.

  5. I love waking up to see a new story from you! You always make me laugh & make my day brighter. Also, your hubbies reaction and First question do not surprise me in the least. Totally something mine would say! What is wrong with these men? Sex fiends… You could tons of stories on that topic. Lol thanks for the smile 🙂

    1. Glad to provide a laugh. When he sen that message I was laughing so hard. Of course because the world revolves around the penis!

  6. free penny press | Reply

    Stubbing my toes will have me collapsing like a bag of rocks in agony.. Damn, sorry you actually broke yours.. Lots of Ice, rest and elevation 🙂

  7. Hmmm, wonder if I could make those treats for halloween and not gross out my family.

    1. The answer is no. I was grossed out looking at them.

  8. I am so sorry about you plum colored toe! But like you said it’s October, so plum is the color of the season!
    Go 4th toe! You may have had none, but you are now trendy !

  9. I’m still thinking about Runaround Sue… what did you say?

  10. Hilarious! Laughing out loud
    (I have Fred Flintstone feet)

  11. Ouch! Hope 4th piggy regains his own independence real soon.

  12. Laughing out loud in the Denver airport at the caring text from your husband – and your brilliant response 🙂

  13. I am sorry, but honestly, I was laughing out reading this post; especially reactions from your family members. 🙂

  14. You should have done it before the first debate; the second was worth watching!

    And when that 4th toe heals up? I’d be kicking some man’s butt … in the nicest possible way, of course!

  15. Yeow, my toe hurts just reading your blog! and the text message was hilarious!

  16. Okay, I am really sorry about your toe BUT…the ‘Run Around Sue’ line…my theme song by the way…’I can handle her’…had me by the short hair as it were. I love the subtle asides. Despite your theme you get them in there…very, very funny always.

    By the way, our pal David Sedaris had a piece in last week’s New Yorker on owls. If you can find it, please read it.

    1. Hahaha! I’ll check out my boy David, no doubt hilarious. I listened to a pod cast of him on NPR and nearly peed my pants!

    2. I damn near chocked on this line alone! “I mean, please! This was what a chicken might wear to a Halloween party if she had ten minutes to throw a costume together.”
      I do love me some David in the morning!

  17. AT least it gave you a chance to post that fab photo of the fingers Halloween snacks – what was that,btw????? (Hope you are felling better.)

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