Please, Call Me Gretel

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Mom! The helmet is a little over the top.

As a parent watching shows such as Law & Order SVU and Criminal Minds take me to another level of worry. My already over active imagination suddenly kicks into high gear if my children are 5 minutes late. Hell, just watching the local news can scare the crap of you these days.

Needless to say my kiddies think I’m some sort of crazy woman for wasting an ounce of time being concerned about their safety … “Mom, I’m fine stop” and “OMG Mom just put me in bubble wrap!” Hmm…bubble wrap.

The parents of yesteryear, such as my own, may have had their concerns, but they weren’t even close to this level. Columbo and Kojack kept fear to a minimum. Things were just different I guess.

I certainly don’t recall endless lectures about “stranger danger”,  however I do remember walking home with my friend and being summoned over to a car by a man asking for “directions”, only to have the displeasure of viewing a little one on one loving … if you know what I mean.  Oddly enough I wasn’t scared. Grossed out yes, scared no. Today this story would have been on the 6 o’clock news, but back then I’m not even sure if we told our parents.

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There she is working that Fudgesicle like no bodies business.

Thinking back it seems perverts were actually all around us, including behind the wheel of the Good Humor truck. You may never think of a Rocket Pop in the same way again…read on. My sister, who was giving Dolly Parton a run for her money by age twelve, was presented with an interesting proposition by the one and only Good Humor guy. That’s all she had to do was jump rope for him and she could have FREE ice-cream. Were we running away in fear? HELL NO! She was happily jumping away for her free goodies as me and the rest of the stick figures stood in the distance green with envy. The thought that there was something wrong with this request never even entered our naive little minds. 

One, such as my daughter, may say that this naivety is still going strong within me. Her theory, after a few Sociology classes, is that I am so worried about her and her brother because in reality I would be the one getting into the van in search of that imaginary puppy. She may actually be on to something … don’t tell her I said that. 

imagesJust a couple of months ago my daughter and I were taking Peanut for his evening walk. Now, when I’m out I tend to greet people, however my daughter tends to be … well … a mannequin. I know! We are complete opposites. So, on this particular evening there was an unusual amount of people out enjoying the weather. Jackpot for this social butterfly, not so much for the mannequin. 

A few blocks from home I stopped to admire a beautiful garden. The design was spectacular. You could just tell a tremendous amount of love went into to tending to the needs of this foliage. I do not have a green thumb, so this was indeed impressive. Just as I was trying to bring a potted mix to the attention of my mannequin daughter, the owner appeared. She was elderly with a very heavy German accent. At this point my daughter was most likely Tweeting away #socialbutterflymom #annoying. 

As I was professing my love for her talents, she began picking a few springs from the potted mix explaining that they were herbs. My eyes were the size of saucers! She was insisting that I smell them, which I did without an ounce of question. Of course, not to be rude I offered my daughter a sniff as well. #Idon’ttakeherbsfromstrangers #mymomisgretel.

Needless to say I stood there sniffing away for lord knows how long as I was no doubt being slammed all over Social Media.

I can't lie...I would be all over this.

I can’t lie…I would be all over this.

We said our goodbyes and I was handed a roadie of herbs as a parting gift. I immediately began lecturing my daughter on her lack of socialization when she informed me I would talk to a stick if it had a face. I wouldn’t go that far … well maybe. 

We were walking along as I happily continued to ingest the aroma of my little bundle when suddenly I found myself slammed against a parked car, before I hit the ground. I become very dizzy. Well guess who suddenly came to life as I was laying on the ground like a porpoise? The mannequin!

There I was with my knees scraped, still holding onto my herb roadie in shock when I hear these comforting words being screamed at me … “Mom! OMG, this is what you get for taking things from strangers! You are the only one in our family who would get in a car filled with duct tape and knives!  I couldn’t deny she was right in her conclusion, but I certainly wasn’t about to reveal that I would most likely be suggesting a quick stop at Home Depot to my abductor. You know for the rope and tarp he forgot to pick up. 

420d1ed120785f3a949df543a86f5ac1In the end I was fine and we got a good laugh out of it all. I can not deny that if I miraculously came upon a house made of sweets I would be chowing down on a chocolate shingle without a care in the world. I tend to see the good, not the oven large enough to fit a human. Enjoy the Ride!

25 responses

  1. LMAO Lisa! Just be sure to leave some bread crumbs along your way so we can find you again, okay?

    1. Seriously hilarious I know. Just another day in my insane life…hahaha. Breadcrumbs…I knew I forgot something.

  2. I tend to be over protective of my two grown daughters… it’s terrible, especially the single one living on the West Coast in the land of the fruit and nuts… literally. I so relate to this post, this was great, are you okay from your fall? What happened? DAF

    1. My mother still worries about me and I’m pushing 50! It never ends. I think I got dizzy from ingesting all those smells. My daughter has NOT let me live it down!

  3. Hahaha sounds just like my old roommate! I’m afraid I’m more like your daughter, the mannequin 😛 We always had a good time together teasing each other about it!

    1. Hahahaha….It’s nice to know I’m not alone out there in this big world. We constantly tease each other too…it’s so funny we really don’t have a choice.

  4. Like you I worry about everything for everybody but me. I will be just fine, thank you very much!

    My sisters had a similar experience to yours when a man called the over to his car, held his hands in his lap while bouncing something there. When I heard the story, I said “Was it a GUN?” I’ll never forget the scathing look my sisters gave me. Hey, I was six!

  5. Wow! Your story now has me nervous since I go merrily along thinking the best about everybody. On the other hand I’m a real worrier too. A split personality I think. Let’s hope the right one surfaces when called upon.

  6. Paraphrasing Woody Allen,, “Some strangers asked me if I wanted to go to a land where everything was candy and fairies. I said yes, I was home from college that weekend.”

  7. I always tell my kids that I am paid to worry…they ask, by whom?

  8. I’m sorry but I laughed out loud at this – about your daughter – not so much the fall. Except that I’ve done the same thing – but on a sidewalk right outside a restaurant full of people on the other side of plate glass. And I didn’t have a daughter there to pick me up.

  9. Good one! I tend to be friendly too especially to dog walkers. I always know the names and the breeds of the dogs in my neighborhoods and actually refer to the houses as that’s where Fluffy lives. Living in fear isn’t any fun.

  10. Hilarious!!!

  11. Were you drugged from the scent of the herbs? Were you slammed into the car by the police because you were carrying illegal drugs? What happened?

    1. I wish I knew! My daughter thinks I was sniffing the herbs for too long. I got dizzy and fell into a parked car. I wish they were illegal herbs!

  12. You are a good, trusting person, and that is wonderful. Oh and that stick looks like a swell guy 😀

  13. I agree with you completely! I talk to everyone on our walks too but mostly because everyone wants to come over and pet my dog. No one asks me my name but everyone in the neighborhood knows Winston.

  14. My mom still freaks out when I take the subway late at night or head over to Brooklyn. It’s kind of funny. We grew up in an era when it seemed safer for kids. We would be out on our bikes or playing ball in the hood until it was too dark to see. Now it’s like all parents are over protective and won’t let kids out of their sights.

  15. Great story and well told. We live in much different times. I remember when we did not need to lock the door. Yet, I think you are right that we have had the perverts among us all along, they just seem to be highlighted more in our 24 x 7 news around the world. So, there is always some pervert story out there. While the one-on-one guy was creepy, the one that really freaked me out was Mr. Ice Cream Man asking your sister to jump rope for free ice cream. Talk about misusing a position of trust. Thanks for sharing. BTG

  16. What I feel after reading this post is that, parents across the world are same. 🙂 It was a great story. There were moments when I laughed out loud.

  17. This of course made me think…did I ever have anyone ask me to jump rope? No, but then again my mother was feared throughout the tri/state area. The word pervert sounds so foreign yet there’s always one on the news. I think it’s apt you worry about your kids. Come on, think how fat you had to get to have them 🙂 NIce piece!!!

  18. Well written; Well behaved children create well society-well society creates well district-Well district well State-Well state creates well nation. So Moral Is Children are future of nation….. Are You Agree?

  19. Where the heck are you woman???

    1. I’m here girl, just busy with life. Hope to be back in full swing soon. Thanks for caring about my whereabouts.

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