Ok people this is going to be brief considering I’m still a little traumatized by the events, but I thought it would be good idea to share my tale for healing purposes of course. Or just so you could all have a good ole fashioned laugh at my expense.
December 20th started out like any other day. I was up early to get a jump on things before battling retail facilities with my daughter for Christmas loot. All was calm, all was bright.
Since it was exceptionally warm and sunny that morning I decided to
take my little Pee Wee out for a long walk before we left. This way he would be too tired to miss us…at least that’s what I tell myself. So off we go out into the neighborhood. I thought it would be a good idea to head towards the playground and ball fields in my area, since it is loaded with good sniffing spots for Pee Wee. I never saw this coming … literally!
There I was, minding my own damn business, when out of NO WHERE came 2 giant black poodles heading right for us at full speed. I scoop my little Pee Wee up and hold him over my head like Simba in the Lion King! Thank God I’ve been working out is all I can say!
Hideous!
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the human in charge of these 2 oversized fur balls made her way across the street. She was walking at a snails pace for god sakes!
As she began apologizing, “Jack” the overzealous/horny fur fuck had taken a liking to yours truly and mounted his big furry ass to my back. His paws were at my shoulders and I am at least 5′ 8″ tall…seriously!
Needless to say the poor woman was trying very hard to get Jack to stop humping me, but clearly he was enjoying himself way too much to let loose. By the way I was still holding Pee Wee in the air during this entire one-sided love fest.
Middle-aged women need to be included in this list.
As the owner was trying to get a collar onto the other one, Jack continued to enjoy himself. I was turning in all directions trying to shake him loose, but this young lad had paws of steel and he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Awkward? Oh…dear…lord…that was an understatement.
This all conveniently took place at a STOP sign, so you better believe there were quite a few pointing fingers and fits of laughing going on at every stop. Where are the all the superheros when you need one?
The woman FINALLY got one dog under control and then she proceeded to peel Jack off of my back and thanked me for being “gracious”. Um, graciously assaulted was more like it. The first thing out of my mouth was “Well, I’m wearing a black coat, maybe Jack thought I was his girl from the hood.” I really couldn’t think of anything else to say. She just stared….
Typical!
When it was all over I half expected to see Jack lying on the sidewalk smoking a cigarette! I walked away laughing as I heard the woman continue to apologize. Please ! The least she could have done was give me Jack’s number.
Sooooo….what does one do when crazy shit happens? They send a text to their family and friends who they know will also get a good laugh out of it. Which is exactly what happened.
These are the responses from my dear sisters Madelynne and Gina, notice the sympathetic tones (insert sarcasm please). I knew their responses would make me laugh even harder, because this is how we roll! Read and enjoy folks
Sister number one responds with a question regarding the location of the assault. Oh, not to rush over, but to either avoid that area in the future or laugh harder if other people witnessed this encounter. It was a win win for Madelynne.
Next, we both discussed our feelings for Poodles. That’s right Poodle lovers everywhere, sorry but we are not fans and I for one will never be a fan. Jack got what he wanted and has yet to call.
Next up is sister number two a/k/a Gina. I knew her response would be good since she is really not what one would call an “animal person” like myself. This was a golden opportunity for her to justify why she is not a pet owner.
This conversation escalated to borderline insanity! I literally had to sit on a step to prevent myself from peeing my pants….literally!
The lesson here ladies and gentleman is: When life decides to throw you a curve or a giant poodle named Jack, find the humor and Enjoy the Ride!
Life With The Top Down 
Laughing…and eeeww.
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I was still laughing about this poodle rape before the great and entertaining written piece! I will never look at standard poodles again. And you know, they are on the smartest dog list so don’t think for a moment he didn’t know what he was doing!!!!!
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Hahahaha! Oh, I do not doubt he knew exactly what he was doing.
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Laughing out loud…And your sisters are a hoot!
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Oh, my sisters are hilarious! We certainly know how to make each other laugh.
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Oh how I miss my sisters!
This story is hilarious, and timely. I’m starting to go into overdrive on bugging my husband to get a dog (life isn’t life without a dog). I’d been thinking of one of those ‘oodle mixes, because while Iove dogs, I do not love the way their hair wafts across the floor 10 seconds after I sweep/vacuum. Plus I like the way “Sproodle” sounds (Springer +’oodle) But I’ve never liked poodles. Ever. Any size. They are nasty dogs. What was I thinking? Thank you for the reminder.
When I was a kid, neighbors had a collie named Taffy. Taffy loved me ferociously. I credit him with my adult ability to avoid abusive males. And I HATE collies.
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I’m with you on the who hair thing, it’s endless. Someone I know has a Goldendoodle, which isn’t the most attractive dog, but he is smart and a big ball of love. I think I’m looking forward to your purchase as much as you!
As for poodles, especially the big ones, just remember my sister’s words…”Their fucking weird”
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Shouldn’t you have smoked a cigarette, too?
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No! Jack was all about himself and did not take my needs or wants into consideration.
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That bastard.
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Gosh, he didn’t even buy you dinner? What a skag! I wouldn’t go out with him again. (BTW I was laughing so hard at my computer my husband asked what the hell was going on!)
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Nothing! Cheap and ugly. Glad you got a good laugh…lol!
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Hilarious!!! I would have parked at the stop sign laughing hysterically! When I knew I wouldn’t pee my pants I MIGHT have come and helped you out…. I hate when dogs are free and come charging at you. I tend to run, which never helps! I won’t soon forget this image, great post!
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Oh, trust me when I tell you if you ran from Jack you would have been knocked to the ground…lol
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Let’s see. How about:
1) Hey! Dogs need love too!
2) You could’ve kicked upward and backward with your foot, and seen if you’re any good at football.
3) Look through the Net for clipart of a legal partnership’s letterhead, then create an official-looking letter threatening a paternity suit.
4) Take it as a heck of a compliment. Jack thought you looked so good, he went past colour AND species boundaries to get him a little sumpthin’ sumpthin’.
Use anyone you like. Heck, use ’em all, I’m feeling generous. Happy New Year (if I don’t catch you before then)!
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Ok, my husband actually said #1 after the “incident”. I think I will try #3 because I laughed out loud when I read it, plus it’s genius. Oh, I take compliments whenever I can get them, including from the legally blind guy at the supermarket who always tells me “you look beautiful today.” I act like I don’t hear him when he says it to every other person in line.
You gave me a good laugh and it’s only 5:25am!
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OMG! I was laughing out loud at this! The mental picture was so clear from your description! Puts a new meaning to “hump day”
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Indeed it does…lol!
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Oh my gosh, that’s horrifying! And yet… I am laughing… I didn’t know that about poodles?! Weird.
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Apparently it is common knowledge and you and I are the only 2 people who did not know Poodles are insane!
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Gosh, well I’m glad I am now armed with this information, sorry you had to sacrifice yourself for the sake of my ignorance!
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It’s what I do, but it would have been nice if someone told me. Be safe out there friend!
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I’m speechless, laughing my butt off … but speechless and unable to add to the funny comments. You’re life is truly quite a ride 🙂
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Ha Ha! Thanks for sharing the magic moment. Did he have a haircut that made his tail look like a puff ball? That might account for his need to prove his doghood.
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Hahahaha! No thank goodness. I can’t even believe some of the hair cuts I saw while searching for photos…those owners really have issues…lol!
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I laughed and cringed through this whole post. I am also not a poodle fan, especially a horny humping one!
Happy New Year!
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Hahaa! This cracked me up, Lisa!
I can’t believe he didn’t even call. Not even so much as a goodbye cuddle?!
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I could not stop laughing, while reading this one.
Wish you and your family a happy new year, Lisa. 🙂
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I am just back from vacation and missed your humor. OKAY THIS WAS A HILARIOUS MENTAL PICTURE (sorry) I actually really like Standard Poodles. If that dog had straddled me he would be currently nursing his tiny delicate little toes from my boots. If you cannot control your beast then you should not be permitted to walk, them I speak from experience. You are very gracious and that slight scent of beef…tantalizing ..woof
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Hahahaha! Tantalizing indeed….lol!
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I am still smiling!
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LOL! this is definitely a Does this Happen to You moment. Can I narrate for my podcast?
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Hahahaha! Absolutely!
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I think Jack is one of your faithful readers and took your “Enjoy the ride!” literally.
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This is so funny – I don’t know where to start. “…from the hood”, “I thought poodles were gay” and “curl up in the shower”. Brilliant stuff.
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This is up on my podcast, http://kriskkaria.podbean.com/. Thanks so much for the wonderfully funny story!
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