Mrs. Magoo

82f61d98e3340a4c2f716c03d6c8a993I am trying very hard to age gracefully, but I must admit there’s not much grace involved when you are suddenly half blind and randomly peeing your pants.

I must admit that my biggest peeve so far has been the loss of my once perfect vision. Perfect …. it was PERFECT!

Of course I know that I must sound like a whining ungrateful first world person with partial vision, but I don’t care …. I MISS MY SIGHT! I do not like depending on my young eye rolling daughter for assistance in reading price tags, text messages or labels. I’m basically sending her to college to be a guide dog at this point. 

Ugh, the struggles are endless. Oh, yes I did say struggle and I’m not afraid to bump it up to hardship if necessary. When I’m out and about on my own I find myself scanning the room for a set of young friendly, potentially assisting eyes. I’m convinced the Cougars out there aren’t looking for hot sex, they’re looking for a good set of eyes!5f9d3430506f079a63ef4ef22f669455

I guess you’re all saying “Get Glasses!” right about now aren’t you?  Well, for your information I have glasses, but I REFUSE to wear them on top of my head, where I know they’ll be entangled in my hair, creating the potential for a bald spot or heaven forbid having them dangling around my neck on one of those decorative chains that just draws even more attention to my loss of perfect sight. Therefore, my stubbornness has resulted in me CONSTANTLY loosing my glasses.

The reason I am bitching, moaning and beating a fossilized horse on this subject is something happened to me a few weeks ago that brought this acute Mr. Magoo lifestyle to the surface full force. For the crowd under 40, Mr. Magoo was a famous cartoon character who made a fortune off of his blindness. 

A few weeks ago I went out back with my love bug Peanut for his morning walk. I’ve learned the hard way to always LOOK carefully before opening the gate, because critters are always roaming around waiting to scare the shit out of me. Animals have a sick sense of humor, especially in the morning.

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Blue Tropical Parrot spotted in the Northeastern section of Philadelphia

There was no need for me to wear glasses on this trip out back … or so I thought. Just as I was about to open the gate I noticed a beautiful blue parrot just sitting peacefully in the field. I went back in the house to grab a phone so I could capture a photo of this once in a lifetime moment. My husband was perplexed at my behavior, but I assured him my excitement was justified.

I gently opened the gate, channeled my inner church mouse and proceeded to tip toe through the grass. I couldn’t believe my luck that the bird wasn’t fleeing as I got closer. It was like he was just waiting for me. My heart was pounding out of my chest with excitement over my luck!

As I got a few feet away my EYES started to adjust and I suddenly had the sad realization that I was not going to be the one to capture this beautiful bird and collect the handsome reward that would most likely be posted for its safe return.

Nope, I was not going to post a photo of this grand bird on my Facebook page, where it would no doubt receive millions of “likes” and be shared all over the world.

Nope, my photo was not going to blow up Twitter like Ellen’s selfie at the Oscars … it just wasn’t going to happen.

Apparently I had misjudged the identification of this species, most likely due to my recent case of Magooitis, but my friend Dan, who was obviously concerned, sent my photo to the local Bird Society where it was correctly identified.

I am happy to present to you the Herr’s Blue Chip Foil, normally found in the potato fields of Idaho, but due to recent climate changes high winds this beauty landed smack in the middle of Northeastern Philadelphia where it resided until the next big wind.

Herr's Blue Chip Foil

Herr’s Blue Chip Foil

Needless to say when I realized what I had stumbled upon I went down on my knees, laughed out loud and of course … peed my pants. Even though I miss my 20/20 vision a great deal, I must say having Magooitis has provided me with some great laughs while I continue to … Enjoy the Ride! 

 

 

 

 

38 responses

  1. So I guess in addition to missing your PERFECT eyesight, you are missing your in shape, taught bladder as well!??

    This was very funny. I say, keeping asking for sight assistance, because you are right, an added bald spot would make your magooishness much more obvious!

    1. Taught bladder? Oh, those days are G O N E!

  2. Tell me about it. Got glasses, then bifocals and now am back to two pair, one for TV and driving and one for reading. Now where did I put them?

    1. That’s where I’m at Tom….I HATE it!

  3. So funny! Sadly, also so true! What the hell, hopefully you are in good company:)

    1. Thank you! I’m always in good company : )

  4. I get my glasses by the truckload at the .99-cent store, scatter them about the house in all the places I’m likely to need them, my coat pockets, handbags, etc. Always have a pair when I need them without having to wear them all the time. Love the new bird species. I’ll look for it. Supermarket shelf, right? lol xoxoM

  5. I bet your family finds you very entertaining. I hear the Audubon Society is looking for you. They heard about your new find.

    1. Oh yes they think my flaws are hilarious! If you only knew how excited I was about capturing a parrot…seriously….lol

      1. You are so sweet….and gullible. I haven’t seen a parrot in our area…..like ever!

  6. Tops,
    As soon as I saw that picture, I knew I was doomed to pee my pants. I did. Thanks for the laugh but will you buy me some Depends now?

    1. Of course, my Depends are your Depends!

  7. vastlycurious.com | Reply

    Made me laugh sooooo hard! Missed your humor! I am going back to life!

  8. Hilarious! But I dare not laugh too loud. I do opt for optical assistance – glasses – but was complaining bitterly that they didn’t work anymore since things were beginning to look wavy. That’s when my son said, “Mom you are missing one lens!”

    1. OMG! I am on the floor!!! Hahaha!

  9. Oh my God! I am still laughing… and wearing reading glasses with a string attached…

  10. Omg, laughing so hard over here! At you and with you 🙂

    To the friend with the one lens, been there, done that except I was insisting my sight was so much better till my hubby pointed out the missing lens…

    Lisa, you’re not that stubborn. I have reading glasses and refuse to wear them as well! I do not, however, have any problem going to get Botox in the line that seems to have imbedded it self into my forehead from squinting all of the time!

  11. Bwahahahahahahaha!

  12. Oh….This is hilarious. And I truly TRULY feel your pain.

    I finally broke down and got bifocals. damn.

  13. That’s crazy hilarious and I feel your pain. I just got bifocals dammit!

  14. Too funny. Magooitis got me awhile ago. Haven’t peed in my pants, yet. But, we can aspire can’t we?

  15. I say you should wear your glasses. All the cool kids are doing it.

    PS – I wear my glasses all the time and I’m pretty cool… in my own mind.

  16. THAT was a freaking riot! I’ve done that before because I too, am trying to avoid wearing glasses. I keep them in my purse and pull them out to see my phone or read a menu but the rest of the time, I do that thing to my son – hey, what’s this thing say? Read that to me…

  17. I wish I could say this kind of thing has never happened to me, but then, I’d be lying. One evening when walking in one of Niagara’s beautiful parklands I came across what I thought was a family of birds. It was semi dark. Not really black dark but mostly I could make out shapes. I followed this family trying to get closer to identify what kind of birds were wandering in the park. They had long necks with their head held at a perfect 45 degree angle and appeared to be looking right at me. I crept up on them much the same as you did. And then I froze, after which I think I ran like hell. I say I think because things seemed to be moving in slow motion when I discovered those long necks were actually tails and the creatures I was sneaking up on were a family of skunks rummaging through litter.

  18. I have glasses all over the house. I don’t see anything. Can’t tell you how many times I swear I see a turtle in the park when it’s just a log. You’re not the only one who acts like Mr. Magoo..and let’s not lose sight…if you will…how noble you were to save that bag, I mean bird. Funny..

  19. I NEVER EVER wear glasses, ever.
    Ha, I have glasses all over my house. I never remember where I leave them when I take them off. The big problem is trying to find lost glasses without the glasses. Back when I only had a single pair I went around trying to put on everything that mildly resembled my glasses with my blurry vision. I picked up a watch, a pencil case (with a picture of a pair of glasses on it), and my phone and nearly tried them all on my face in hope that they were my glasses. I imagine it was funny to watch. 😛

  20. This was me a few years ago! Except I have had vision problems most of my life due to being born with an eye defect. But after 5 eye operations before my 12th birthday, I was able to give up glasses for many years. A few years ago, sight problems started cropping up though – I couldn’t read what was on my computer screen. So I got glasses to tighten up the focus for computer screens, but because I wasn’t used to wearing them I kept forgetting them. My solution – put my glasses on my face as I was leaving for work so I knew I had them & take them off & put them near the door when I got home. Worked wonders for me! Maybe it would work for you too?

  21. Love the Mrs. Magoo, this will stick with me next time I am searching for my glasses.

  22. Dang, was hoping the blue parrot was the parakeet that flew out the bathroom window when I was twelve, after my brother sprayed Bactine on her.

    You’re right. There is no good solution to mid-age far-sightedness, not glasses which get lost, not lasix, which only last for about six weeks and could at some future point cause your eyes to explode, not mono vision contacts (one for near one for far) which cause dizziness. OF COURSE, not saying this because I am near sighted, and can finally read menus without glasses for the first time in years. My sister, also one of formerly perfect vision, lorded it over me for years, and I admit, it’s a teeny bit sweet when she asks me to read a menu. But I am not one to gloat. Welcome to the eye-challenged club.

    1. Hahahaha! I wish it was your parakeet too!

  23. I just saw this! How funny! I either have to wear my glasses all the time or grow longer arms and take up the trombone so that I can focus far away. And they are printing everything so small anymore, it’s not our fault, actually, it’s the printers!

  24. Susie sent me – what a hoot!! I can’t go anywhere without my glasses, and ended up getting bifocals a couple years ago. Sigh…I’ll keep an eye out for blue “parrots”!! 😉

    1. Thanks for stopping by! It’s really nice to know I’m not alone.

  25. *wiping tears of laughter* ~ Too funny! Even when read “Herr’s Blue Chip Foil”, I was thinking I’d have to consult the Audubon catalogue! Susie sent me over and I should have known there would be a good laugh to be found! Great post! p.s. I’m a Mr. Magoo fan from waaaay back!

    1. Thanks for stopping by … Susie is the best. I grew up watching Mr. Magoo and I swear it was based off of my father’s abilities behind the wheel.

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