Say What? Mildred

Basset with ears upI am going to try my hand at something new with my blog. I thought of this incredibly brilliant idea at this very moment, therefore the logistics haven’t been worked out, other than the title … “Say What?  I will try my best to compile a group of essays based on information my ears have had to endure over the years. Interesting to say the least!

This idea came to life because lately I’ve wondered if I missed my calling to become a priest, lawyer or therapist. Since complete strangers seem to seek out my ears for free and fill them with all sorts of personal information. Honestly, I don’t know how the professionals do it … I would explode from listening.

Years ago I thought this happened to everyone out in the world, but my assessment was waaaaaaaay off! What I have discovered is that most people don’t stay in the company of crazy long enough to partake in the festivities. So why do I?  Probably because I bore easily and find it somewhat entertaining.

Let me begin by telling you about Mildred (not her real name) who was a longtime patient at the Gynecologist office that I worked at years b5f9c71f10ed15fe4277eb49cfb2129bago. Mildred was a lovely woman, although trapped in the 70’s with her choice of clothing, hairdo, pancake-like makeup and logic when it came down to her vajay-jay. She was from the “I only take it out for baby making and special occasions” era. 

Poor Mildred was constantly coming in for an itching issue down in the nether regions. I am NOT a doctor for many reasons, but the number one reason would be crystal clear in this case. One look at her and I would be blurting “Mildred! For god sakes let that kitty loose!”  This expert advice would trump a prescription for some sort of anti-itching cream in my practice.

Any who … when she came in for this particular follow-up appointment she decided to lean in close to tell me the horror she endured when she returned home from her last visit. I never said a word, she just poured out her soul to my wide open ears.

Apparently Mildred decided to finally let her kitty cat out of its cage that consisted of several layers of synthetic garments such as the following: underwear, a girdle, pantyhose and slacks. Then she laid on her bed naked with the ceiling fan on high … to you know …  “air things out.” Mildred thought that perhaps this would help with the itching. Just imagine a set a wide eyes right about now. 

64c5f121ea0a17f8189bf27ffb21bb97Needless to say this was a shock to her husband, because he made the H U G E mistake of asking “are you waiting for me?” when he entered the room. Poor guy didn’t have a clue that there were reasons, other than his needs, that would cause her to lay on the bed naked with her legs spread eagle. 

Mildred went on to explain that she “couldn’t believe” her husband would think she wanted sex in the afternoon. Afternoon? I couldn’t believe he wanted any part of what must resemble a slab of raw meat at this point. 

This woman just keep going … letting me know that her ceiling fan extravaganza is now part of her daily routine, with one small change that she revealed in a low whisper … I lock the door. 

My hope is that Mildred is going commando under a skirt these days, but something tells me that is not the case and sadly the only thing her husband is mounting is a new ceiling fan.

Enjoy the Ride! 

 

20 responses

  1. Oh no! I worked in human resources which is a department where people tell you the damndest things! I had this very young woman working for me. She was good with the older ladies. She ran into one at the twinkie machine and asked how she was doing. The woman said, “Not so good. My vagina fell down.” This young woman had no idea what that meant and high tailed it out of there (just in case it was contagious). When she told me, I just about peed myself laughing.

    1. Hahaha! I can relate to that story on more than one occasion.

  2. Maybe a Twinkie from the Twinkie machine Kate mentioned would fix Mildred Enough preservatives to last for decades!

  3. Bwahahahahaha

  4. Thank you for putting an image in my head that will haunt me for at least a week.

    1. Oh….I’ve been haunted for years…lol

  5. The pants suit was bad enough, but did you have to have the part about the kitty? No, seriously, my whiskers are twitching now. Ha ha! Sunday morning comments are coming to mind (your husband’s got a stick that will scratch that itch).

    Going away now to say ten hail mary’s.

    1. Hahahaha! Giving yourself your own penance … I like it!

  6. So, no “skyrockets in flight…afternoon delight” for Mildred. Too bad. She is missing out on adventure.

  7. LOL! Now that is an image stuck in my brain!

    Hope you have a terrific Labor Day weekend! Enjoy and have some fun. Sorry I have not been around in a while as I have had some family matters to attend to recently.

    1. You have no idea … I’ve been scarred for life. Hope your family matters settle and you have some peace.

  8. Whoa! that’s a good one. Can I narrate for my podcast?

  9. Bless me, Lisa, for I have nearly snorted my fancy coffee out of my nose reading this. I know where you’re coming from because I, too, attract the crazy in the crowd. I have to say – your selection of images meshes PERFECTLY with the story. LOVE it.

  10. Your story is up on my podcast, http://kriskkaria.podbean.com/. thanks so much for allowing me to narrate it!

  11. I loved this…that dog looks like Carmela…I’m behind on my blogs…please forgive me, and there was not one typo…I laughed and was deeply comforted to know you too are pursued by the nuts of the world. Fly paper we are…funny essay…as always 🙂

  12. […] who seem to attract every poor soul with a story and am pressed into service as Chief Listener (check out Lisa’s take on that same issue).  While I tend to avoid conversations about religion (I identify as Philosophical Taoist; also […]

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