Mind Moseying

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If pondering had a face

pon·der verb gerund or present participle: pondering think about (something) carefully, especially before making a decision or reaching a conclusion.

I tend to ponder when I’m driving from point A to point B. I’m not solving world peace or hunger on my commute to work, I’m not that deep. However, outside of the shower, this is where my mind likes to chat it up.

My thoughts are more about things that happened in my daily life that decided to linger. Nothing earth shattering, just random thoughts that mosey through my head. Yes, I know I’m lucky to get to B in one piece

  • No matter how many times I feed my dogs organic, non-GMO, antibiotic, hormone & cage free chicken products, they will always get more joy eating petrified geese turds. I wonder if they freeze well …
  • I witnessed a loaf of 12 grain bread sitting on the yellow line of a road for 4 solid days. It looked as if it was there with purpose. On day one it was interesting. On day 4 I was considering calling in a CSI team. So you can image what it was like on day 5 when it disappeared. That’s right, I died a little inside. What was your story grainy, what was your story? I will never know.
  • Nothing in this world is guaranteed except knowing that you’ll see at least one person, who is the shade of plain yogurt, wearing flip-flops the first time the thermometer turns 60 after a long winter. This is never pretty…ever.
  • The humor I find in farts is a little over the top for my age group, however I find no humor in people covering them up with a shot of Febreze. The fake rain & meadows scent only enhances the fumes. This I know for a fact, but please do not ask how unless you think I can get workman’s compensation for my troubles.
  • Peanut loves to climb up on my lap and sit like a human. So I decided to reenact a scene from the movie The Help. “You is smart” “You is kind” “You is important” My sister responded to me with “You is cray” and my daughter “You needs an infant.” Maybe it was a little over the top … maybe.
  • Getting the double finger because I didn’t turn right on red into the oncoming traffic is one thing. Having it happen by a woman with a Jesus statue hanging from her rearview mirror, well that was just priceless. Jesus really has his hands full these days.
  • I should have given my hiatus living muscles a heads up that I was jumping back into a full-blown workout routine this week. There is always a price and in this case the price is PAIN.
  • Switching cable providers in 2015 should be a stress free experience, yet it left me planning a campaign to bring reading books by candlelight back on the table. Pioneers knew the deal.
  • Every day I pass a group of cars parked on the shoulder of the road with people smoking inside. It looks like an inferno inside each vehicle. They do this because the building they work in recently went smoke-free. Driving to catch a smoke is truly a hardcore commitment.
  • With Passover & Easter hitting the circuit on the same weekend traffic has been very heavy; stores have been full and people have been very rude. A triple play of hypocrisy. Crucifixions really need to make a come back, seriously.

After pondering on this list I’ve concluded that maybe it’s time to invest in some audio books for my commute. But for now, I’ll just keep the wheels turning. Who knows maybe something earth shattering will mosey in and save the world. Stranger things have happened ya know.

Until then I’ll … Enjoy the Ride!

22 responses

  1. You know, Tops, I’m pretty sure if your commute was just a bit longer, you’d solve the whole world peace thing-y in no time.

  2. My ride is currently 13 minutes, so you might be on to something.

  3. 1) Frozen goose turds aren’t quite as tasty as cat turds, straight from the litter box – if our dog can get into the room where the boxes are, “FREE BUFFET! All right!”

    2) spraying air freshener over a fart does NOT cover up the smell. I know this with conviction.

    I have fouled the air with malodorous emanations the likes of which the UN would declare a violation of the Geneva Convention. My wife will gag, and spray a “floral scent” to try and cover it up. It does NOT. Instead, it makes it smell like I dropped a bomb in the middle of a flower field!
    Worse, at Christmas, she had a “pine tree” scent; that made it smell like I was being chased by a bear at a Christmas tree farm. (What, you don’t think you’d crap your pants if a 900 lb grizzly came hauling ass after you?)

  4. I too, do some of my best thinking in the car. That or some days you may find me singing at the top of my lungs to a song I love. Yes, I am that person! At least my car is not full of smoke!

    As an aside, my daughter always said that by spraying air freshener after the said deed, does nothing but now smell like flowery poop or cinnamon poop, or coconut poop…you catch my drift! A lit match however will cut the smell like magic!

    1. Your daughter is so wise! Perhaps she could come and give a lecture to my co-worker. I would have already quit from embarrassment!
      I’m also that singing person in the car … concert on wheels!

  5. I compose many posts in my car. If I am lucky (and usually I’m not), I will remember them when I get home. There were some Pulitzer prize winners that got away. Love your list.

    1. Remembering them is the hardest part!!!

  6. A double finger wave. That is very spiritual. That would make me wait longer when the coast cleared. Happy Easter Egg.

    1. The statue was swinging so hard I couldn’t help but laugh.

  7. Love this! Can I narrate for my podcast? And would you like to give audio books a try with a freebie? My first comedy audio book I narrated and produced is available for sale and I have some promo codes to download it for free. I just ask you review it if you like it.

      1. Here is the code for Take A Load Off, Mona Jamborski, U8ZAKYNDKJ5UX. And the instructions for using it. Let me know if you have any difficulties.
        . Go to my book’s page on Audible.com: http://www.audible.com/pd/B00SLUDHEM
        2. Add the audiobook to your cart.
        3. If you are prompted to sign in, please create a new Audible.com account or log in. Otherwise, proceed by clicking “Do you have a promotional code?” beneath the cover artwork of the audiobook.
        4. Enter the promo code, and click “Apply Code.”
        5. A credit for the audiobook will be added to your account. Click the box next to “1 Credit” and click the “Update” button to apply the credit to the purchase.
        6. After you select “1 Credit” and click “Update” to modify your shopping cart, the price for the audiobook will change to $0.00. You may proceed through the checkout by clicking “Next Step” and “Complete Purchase” on the subsequent page.

  8. Did you tell your daughter to produce one for you?

    Please. No disrespect for the melanocyte-free who wear flip flops at the first opportunity. We do it for the pleasure and sense of superiority it provides the olive-skinned.

  9. I love that face! And I know that feeling well. You realize that you’re more than welcome to share in the farting world that I live in with my 11 year old son. Me? I could seriously do without it and the laughing that comes right after it.

  10. The podcast is up! thanks so much for the funny story to narrate, http://kriskkaria.podbean.com/.

  11. I know I’m a little late but forgive me. Jesus really has his hands full these days. Your stream of hilarious consciousness could be a comedy routine. I love the fart Febreze section because it’s like, who you kidding, we now what happened in here. I know you’re a Sedaris fan. Have you ever read his essay about going into a friends’s bathroom welcomed by a huge turd that wouldn’t flush. He was so upset people would think it was his, he thought about tossing it out the window. Oh my. See what you started. Great essay Top.

    1. Hahahahahaha!!! That is exactly why Sedaris makes me laugh out loud!
      Thank you…still laughing!

      1. Can’t remember which book it’s in. Will investigate.

      2. I think it was Me Talk Pretty

      3. Maybe I’ll read that again. So many funny essays in that 🙂

  12. Hilarious, as always!

    I get crop dusted at work at least once a week by customers. I wish I could spray Febreeze at their face. Not that it would help the smell but just because they deserve it for being so nasty!

    As far as smoking in the car, no yelling at me but, I’m a smoker and I have to be honest, I’d do the same. It is a commitment and a gift to the public. If it wasn’t for my habit, the crop dusters would be getting punched in the face, not imiganiarilly getting sprayed with Febreeze.

    Thanks, as always, for the much needed laugh!

    1. Hahahaha! Yesterday was yet another fake Rain & Meadows day….I would take cigarette smell any day over this stench.

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