There’s Always A Story


I recently saw the quote “Alcohol, because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad.” This may be true but something tells me I could get a great story out of eating salad. There’s always a story.

Recently I went to the local mall in search of some fancy shoes to wear to a wedding. My feet have not seen anything fancy in years, so this was not going to be easy. I already ordered and returned two pair. Cinderella I am not.

My first mistake was bypassing Macy’s. The logic, if that’s what you want to call it, was to try stores I never shop in first. Why?

First up: Shoe Carnival. How inviting does that sound?  I was in, out and emptied handed in 5 seconds. Carnival is the key word.

Next, I headed down to Boscov’s, where everyone on the planet seems to find amazing merchandise basically for free, except me. As I was browsing the shoe department my intestines began to rumble…oh yes! Glutes tight as I head to the ladies room.

I proceeded to do the shit shuffle from the shoe department, up the escalator, through the furniture department, where I was blocked by a kid throwing a full-blown temper tantrum over the lack of Pokemons. Get the hell out of my way!  

This journey seemed 5 miles long through tar at this point. I headed down some godforsaken 1980’s hallway to the turn of the century bathroom where the gates of hell opened. No words.

Now that I was a least 2 pounds lighter I headed back out to the Mall with every intention of heading home. But no.

I made a sharp right and headed to Sears, because who the hell knows. There I was gazing over the shoes when a women dressed in red from head to toe, approached me with this statement. “If you keep smiling I’m going to file a lawsuit against you.” Alrighty then …

As I look for a glimmer of sanity I notice a man looking at me shrugging his shoulders. Seriously! That’s all you have is a shrug?

Ugh, I stood there alone smiling and now fearing a potential lawsuit. I decided home is where I need to go. Nope.

Just as I was about to escape I noticed the smile police browsing books at Barnes & Noble. She appeared very normal in that moment. 

Next thing I know she is heading my way as if my smile was on the list of the 10 most wanted!  Suddenly she is inches from me when she gave me another warning. “I told you to stop smiling!!” Good thing I hit the bathroom before this moment.

I found myself hiding in the Hallmark store texting my daughter and sisters about the incident, just in case I went missing. I learned that trick from Law and Order SVU.

At this point a normal person would have been sprinting to the car … not me.

Macy’s was my last stop. Within seconds I had a beautiful pair of sparkly shoes on my hooves. Life was good again for a nano second. 

A lovely woman sat down next to me admiring my selection. I loved these shoes! I would have loved them more if I had the 4th toe on my Right foot amputated, but that was not an option. Yet.

We were chatting about the wedding, my need for an emergency amputation, and the fact that my shoes need to be beautiful and comfortable when she began digging down into her bra. I should have known this was not just an adjustment.

Just like a magician she pulls out a pair of dentures, puts them in her mouth and apologizes for talking to me without her teeth. A rabbit would have been less shocking.

My face must have been asking all sorts of questions, because she proceeded to inform me that her 70th birthday was coming up and she no longer cared what people thought. Truth!

At this point of my tale my husband asked “did you finally leave?”

Me: No, I asked her when her birthday was?

Husband: Why?

Me:  I wanted to know.

Husband:  Why?

Me:  Because I wanted to know if she was a Leo.

Husband: Why do you care?

Me:  Just be glad I do.

Although I left the mall without shoes, I did get this post.

That wedding I was talking about is TODAY!!!!

My nephew Ryan is getting hitched to his beautiful bride Monica. Hurricane Hermine is a no show in PA, and we are about to get this party started!

Enjoy the Ride … I know I will!





15 responses

  1. OMG! Sounds like one of my encounters with the Mall. My last trip included 3 emergency poop runs (I know every potty in the place and the number of steps to each from any given spot). It ended with no packages but fortunately no crazy people either. I act like I’m in a city — head down, no eye contact and damn! no smiling! Thanks for the giggle. Sure hope you have shoes for today.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahahaha! Knowing where the all the potty’s are is a skill like no other.
      I do have shoes, thanks to Amazon .. no human contact. Hahaha!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is why I no longer go to the Mall.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You better believe my trips will be limited…lol! Thanks for stopping by Joyce!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. you must have been at neshaminy! LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  4. lol! Who needs alcohol? Great story, Lisa…. Come to think of it, alcohol could have come in handy after the story, lol! Have fun at the wedding. 😉 xoM

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha! You’re not kidding. The wedding was spectacular on so many levels.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. ‘Carnival’… would have had me in the door too. Love the story.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My expectations were very high…lol


  6. First of all, it’s so nice to read your writing. You are so funny and, there is always a story. The Shoe Carnival made me laugh. I saw you and Bozo walking hand in hand in big shoes. Youre the funniest person I know Top, every remark and comment a hoot. Enjoy the wedding. Hurricane Hermine just called. She’s at the Shoe Carnival and will be delayed. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the shove to do so! Hahaha! So happy Hermine decided to go shopping. We had the MOST beautiful day. I’m still in recovery mode.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Here too. Like she was only a rumor.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I did NOT realize that smiling is a crime. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Apparently to crazy people it

      Liked by 1 person

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