Just Look For It

cf0625b43ee446559aba5956b7d94eefIt’s funny how during all of the darkness over the past month, we have been able to see some light. A glimmer here a glimmer there help the heart heal.

We are both very big believers in noticing the signs that are sent our way, and we were not blind to them even during the darkest of times. Hope comes in all shapes and sizes, the key is recognizing it.

7ec60236c914e83fb309775560d1d961Sign #1:

The day after the nightmare began, I went with my daughter to see my husband at the hospital. While walking through the lobby we were greeted by a very friendly face. Sister Kate. The world is so small.

I know Sister Kate from my job, and I haven’t seen her in a couple of years. Our relationship is she is a patient and I’m in shock that this nice, warm, funny person is a Catholic nun. Where the hell were YOU when I was in school is ALWAYS my thought when I see her.

Sister Kate immediately knew from my haggard look that something was wrong. This was the first time I uttered the words “My husband tried to take his life” and the flood-gates opened. Her warm kind hug is just what I needed before heading to face my reality. Never underestimate the power of fate.

tumblr_mup91f3ipa1rlyeulo1_1280Sign #2:

We walked into the room to find my husband under 24hr guard by none other than an Italian grandmother from South Philly. There isn’t a pill on the planet that can compare to the healing powers of this woman.

The room was stark, nothing but a bed. My husband was stripped of anything that could possibly hurt him, and yet this woman made that room feel like home. I was waiting for her to pull a portable oven out of her purse.

Lena was just what this doctor ordered…. a mothers’ love. Never underestimate the power of an Italian woman who gets joy from taking care of a man. 

During this visit is when we learned that my husband had ZERO memory of the past 12 hours. If only the rest of us had that pleasure.

02d29afeeee80496a916e0fce4f13d61Sign #3:

The following day my son came with me. This time the guard on duty was Lorraine, a very feisty black woman. She was definitely sent for me.

This day was very heavy as we sat patiently waiting for information on the next hospital setting. The silence was deafening. Except for Lorraine’s gum cracking which was no doubt echoing throughout the halls.

My son was saved by a friend who called insisting on taking him out to lunch. Perfect timing!

As we sat in awkward silence listening to that poor piece of gum being assaulted in Lorraine’s mouth, we heard the words “who are you all voting for?” Of all the questions on the planet to ask, this was the one she chose to ask the man on suicide watch.

This is when the unexpected public service announcement was made. Lorraine would be voting for Trump. Why do you ask? Well, because she was tired of her neighbors collecting free money for their 5 children that she named Uno, Dos, Tres, Cuatro & Cinco. Fast forward to 11/9 … yep, this is one reason why.

63aede416ddcf86276a1249feea18f0dSign #4:

On that Sunday I went to see my husband at the next facility. No one could have prepared me for this step of the journey. I’m not sure who decided that people with depression should be dehumanized to feel better, but they need to be fired.

I left this visit defeated, broken and wondering where is that place Dr. Drew sends his patients and do they take Blue Cross? The lack of life in this place could make even the happiest of people second guessing the existence of rainbows. WTF! 

When I returned home I was flat. There was just nothing left to feel. I was done. With a weak smile for the sake of the kids of course. 

As my son was about to head back to school, he decided to raid my change jar to feed the parking meter in town. He took out a huge pile of coins searching for quarters.

7b4ffcb78c5b2c81a8b82968db1561f1Next thing I hear is “mom, didn’t you loose a ring?”  I had lost my wedding band on Thanksgiving 2015.

I have torn this house apart more than once searching for it. Trust me when I tell you I put the FBI to shame with my search efforts. 

Sure enough, there was my ring, on the floor, with a dime stuck in the center. My eyes could just about register what they were seeing. The dam broke, and 4 days of emotion exploded into the room. 

If ever there was going to be a sign that everything was going to be ok, this friends, was it.

Still dodging potholes while Enjoying the Ride! 



19 responses

  1. Oh dear Tops. I’m so very sorry. As if this time of year didn’t suck enough.

    I have no idea what you are facing, or what he was when he made the attempt. I do know that most attempts (2/3 if I’m remembering right) are spontaneous. Done in the heat of a moment, and that most survivors are very glad they failed.

    Finding your ring IS a sign. A sign that you will get through this trial with humor, grace, understanding, and most of all, love.


    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh definitely spontaneous and definitely glad to be a failure.
      Looking ahead, finding the humor, and surrounding myself in goodness. Thanks my path. I feel the hugs … believe me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! Holding you all in Love and Light that you may find your Way. All of you, Lisa! 😉 xoM

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s working Margarita, because we are all on a good path.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Good to hear, Lisa! 😉 xoM

        Liked by 2 people

  3. There is hope, isn’t there?

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Lisa, I truly am at a loss for words. Best wishes to you, your husband and your family. You are the rock and I hope you continue to find the strength to carry on and help your husband find some peace. Take care my friend, Keith

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Keith, your kind words help the healing. He is doing very well right now and I’m grateful for the help that has come his way ❤


  5. Lisa, please know I am praying for you and for your husband. Depression is, well… depressing. Not to make light of it, for I have been to the very edge while depressed for several years. I will pray that he will ‘choose life’ and that that life will be full and complete and secure. Secure in the love of each other and secure in peace. Thinking of you with love.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Lisa, I don’t have any pretty words for what you are going through. It sucks. Your hope, faith, belief in the signs and your humour will all see you through this…and you will get through this. Most of all, you have chosen to share this with us…people who maybe you don’t really know but who have come to care for you through your words. We will listen, we will pray and we will offer you virtual hugs. I know it sounds hokey, but I really, truly believe that a burden shared becomes lighter. You can lighten your load anytime in this space of yours and we will respect you for it and offer any comfort we can.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your kind, caring words Silk. Getting it out make my load much lighter.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh wow. I had no clue you are going through so much strife. Sending some prayers and positive vibes your way. Keep the faith and best wishes for your husband. Stay strong.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Phil! It’s getting better here and there and I’m happy about that progress. You’ve encouraged me to set some personal goals for 2017… outside running is on the list!


  8. Wow, nice. I am pleased that my fitness journey has touched others. Good luck and stay positive.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I’m in awe of your ability to write so well about such pain. You’re brilliant and funny. I’m keeping you and your family in my heart and meditations.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awe … thank you. I’m just glad that I can still laugh.


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