Category Archives: cars

Simma Down Now​

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The laughter this crew provides is unmeasurable

November was a hectic month on its own, so when you throw in some birthdays, and a couple deaths things escalate. Toss in the sale of two cars, the purchase of a new one, a wedding and running the 5k you signed up for because you’re too cheap to cancel while preparing to host Thanksgiving and your teetering on crazy. Simma down now, simma down.

Then, just as your about to welcome December with open arms, you receive notice from the City of Philadelphia that a neighbor filed a complaint against you for parking a commercial mower in YOUR OWN yard.  I think it’s safe to say that the big fat December full moon was not helping matters. 

Meanwhile, all of this has caused my heart to ride an emotional rollercoaster. Sadness from the losses, joy from the celebrations, racing from exercise and crushed by the actions of this neighbor. She needs a break!

The loss of two extraordinary people was significant. David, a gentleman in every sense of the word, passed early in the month. After attending his service, I felt better than when I walked in the door. This is a testament to the level of goodness in his soul, which I had the pleasure to witness before and after his passing. 

Next, my husband’s Aunt Sophie who was my favorite in-law. Earlier in the year, she joined us for a fantastic night out on the town that I actually shared in my post Magical. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that the same woman, who was a lively 78-year old playing air guitar on the dance floor in February, was diagnosed with cancer and died 4 weeks later. Just another reminder to live your life folks.

The new car has challenged my intelligence, not to mention my driving skills. I’m not positive, but I would bet money I am experiencing the same emotions that Buzz Aldrin felt when he hopped in Apollo 11 and headed to the moon. Wow! Just Wow!

When the bells and whistles have their own set of bells and whistles, it can make a girl feel inadequate. Apparently, I continuously drive over the lines on the road. How do I know? Because I’m reminded every 5 seconds. I’m questioning why I haven’t been pulled over for suspicion of driving under the influence … EVERY day.

fullsizeoutput_1ea4My daughter wanted to run a big race here in Philly, the Rocky Run. So, like a good mother, I signed us up. FYI: My daughter has never run a day in her life.

I’m still not sure how she pulled off being out with her girlfriends, rolling in just a few hours before she had to get up and managed to beat me by one second. Isn’t youth grand?

Thanksgiving was terrific from start to finish. Food, family, and laughter through the roof put it in the books as one of the best. Who am I kidding, they’re all in the books.

Ugh, and finally this notice from the Department of Licenses has turned my current living situation into the modern day version of the Hatfield & McCoy feud. Can we settle this on Family Feud, please? 

That story is to be continued. However, I will say that when people make decisions based on their emotions at that given moment, there are no winners. Those actions have far-reaching effects and do much more harm than good. Live and learn is the motto around these parts folks. 

Enjoy the Ride and Keep the PEACE!

 

All In A Days Work

fb101f0749291403d2416549ccec38b3This past week was beyond challenging on the ole nerves for this girl in the work place. Between being shorthanded, overbooked and having our computer system go down for an entire day, it’s a miracle that I am still alive.

This recipe for insanity really made me miss that extra pulse in the office, along with the days of pencils and paper! You broke a point, you sharpened it and you’re back in business… you weren’t on HOLD for hours trying to “fix” the problem.

Yesterday things seemed to start turning around when our computers came back to life! I’m pretty sure my excitement when the “logon” screen popped up was a tad over the top, but that’s what happens when you are 100% dependent on its existence.  If I had pom poms they would  have been used….sad but true. 

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Was this really too much to ask for?

So what does one do after spending 3 days basking in the fires of hell? She takes advantage of the sunny sky at lunchtime and heads outside to enjoy it! 

My co-worker and I found a nice shady bench to relax, which lasted all of a nano second. One of the security guards and believe me when I tell you that term is being used VERY lightly, was right in front of us gazing into the sky as if a flying saucer was about to land.

Of course my imagination immediately goes wild with scenarios on what might be happening as I pretend to call dispatch. We have 203 over at the MOB and I might need back-up.  In other words there is a bird flying over the medical office building. I think the biggest case they ever took on was catching a smoker lighting up on hospital grounds. 

As we sat there mocking the poor guy, we actually did hear a strange noise and wondered if this was what he was investigating. By “investigating” I mean looking towards the sky. 

My co-worker inquires as to what he was doing and he responded in the most monotone voice “There are 2 dogs locked in that pick-up truck and I’m looking for the security camera to see how long it’s been parked there.” W H A T?

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Badass to the CORE!

Since we are both HUMAN and DOG LOVERS, we ran over to the truck to see for ourselves. Sure enough there were 2 dogs locked in the hot truck with the all the windows up barking and crying! Needless to say we immediately sprung into action. 

At this point Cagney & Lacey a/k/a me and my co-worker take charge of the case. Someone had to! We immediately approach the guard to see if he was going to break the window. Which is exactly what the police say to do in these cases. Again he responds with a half-dead … NO.

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funniespet.com

We plead our case by informing him in our most crazed voices that it’s “ok” to break the window,but he doesn’t budge. It seemed like it was an effort for him to give us an answer. 

Please to do not fuck around with two women who are already on the edge … just don’t! We were responding to the situation like Navy Seals, while this “guard” was acting as if he swallowed a bottle of Valium. I’m thinking …”this is your chance to make a difference buddy!” 

Cagney & Lacey:  Are you going to call the police?

Droopy Dog:  No. I’m going back to the office to check the surveillance tape to see how long the truck has been parked here.

Cagney & Lacey:  These dogs will be dead by then!

Droopy Dog:  I have to ask my boss about calling the police. Lacey:  YOU HAVE TO CALL YOUR BOSS?! Well I don’t have to check with anyone I’m calling.

I make the call while Cagney uses her quick thinking to round-up some suspects. Since this was obviously a construction vehicle and work is being done on the premises, perhaps it belongs to one of the workers. This thought was like Rocket Science to the “guard”.

Droopy Dog:  What police did you call?

Lacey: The real police? The police that come when you call 911.

Droopy Dog:  Well my boss is at another site and I would have to check with him.

Lacey:  This is an emergency! I can’t believe you can’t call yourself. Walks away in disbelief …. Just then the suspect comes out to his truck and Droopy exchanges words with him. He has the NERVE to say “It’s not even that hot in here!”  He gets into his truck and starts to leave. Oh no you’re not! 

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Helpful Information.

I get back on the phone to update the dispatcher when I notice the truck stopping at the next entrance and he enters the building with the dogs. Droopy pulls behind the truck and with the speed of a turtle, follows him inside. I think I saw two snails pass him …. Jesus! 

Just as the suspect comes back outside the REAL police are on the scene. Cagney & Lacey returned to their day jobs and hoped justice was served. By the look on the face of the real police officer as he sped by, it’s safe to say it was. 

We hear too many stories these days about children and animals being locked in hot vehicles. Local news reporters are cooking eggs on dashboards all over the country, just to make a point about just how hot a vehicle can get on a summer day. Unless you just surfaced from under a rock … you know the deal.

BOOM! That my friends is the sound of my mind being blown by the fact that some people still feel that somehow they are above a devastating outcome. YOUR NOT THAT POWERFUL …SORRY!  Enjoy the Ride  with Caution!

The Car


Have you eve had a day where you swear a group of comedy writers must be controlling your every move? A day that leaves you shaking your head at the insanity of events? Hey, where’s my check? I earned it!

I recently had the pleasure of  having a day that could have easily been written by a team of Seinfeld writers and simply titled The Car. My son was on vacation with his friend and we were left with the task of finishing the deal on the purchase of his car. Yes, there is something seriously wrong with that last sentence.

While at the bank withdrawing my son’s life savings, I realized the car parked next to me was a 196o something Chevy Impala, the same car that my brother had when I was growing up. He passed on, so I was sort of having a moment. I must have been in deep thought because I never noticed that the owner was now standing next to me.

First thing out of his mouth was “you know this car loves the ladies.”  I turned my head and was greeted by the huge smile of a man dressed in red, from the hat on his head to the shoes on his feet. Cee Lo…is that you?  

There I stood having a conversation with a I hope for everyone’s sake Cee Lo impersonator about old cars for one reason…entertainment. Well folks, I’m pleased to announce he did not disappoint.

He broke the ice with this line …”you know I asked my wife if she would leave me if I hit the lottery and gave her half and she said yes! So, I got a scratch-off, hit for 12 bucks, gave her 6 and told her to get out…hahahahahaha!”  The outfit alone could have gotten him an invite to dinner, but that line..whew, that guaranteed him a seat at the head of the table!  He gave me his business card, for reasons unknown to me and we parted ways.

On the way to get the car I was telling my husband all about “Cee Lo.” Which was followed by a very serious…”can’t you just go to the bank like a normal person?”  The answer to that question would be “no” not when a Cee Lo look-alike is there at the same time. Seriously, would I ever get that opportunity again?  

Throughout the entire ordeal with this car we were dealing with the owner’s son. Just imagine Cam from Modern Family. We would be meeting him and his mother to finish the purchase. Well, when “Cam” came over to our truck to introduce himself he appeared to be alone. So, naturally I inquired as to the whereabouts of his mother, only to get the face of surprise along the words “right here.” For the love of god this woman was the size of the hood ornament! 

Needless to say I could just about contain myself on the way to transfer the tags when I couldn’t even see her in the car.  I couldn’t help it, this is one of those things that struck me as funny and I was slowly loosing control of my outburst. Deep breaths, think of sad things, get rid of the smile. Now get in there and transfer those tags! 

Well, that lasted for approximately 2 seconds after Rita came over to shake my hand and I could see the entire top of her head. In this moment it was confirmed that I am indeed a Sasquatch. 

Now, it’s no secret I have man hands, which has its perks, however this was not one. As I reached in for the shake I realized I am about to crush the hand of a senior citizen. Visual: Baseball mitt takes on a crab claw…never a happy ending. I pulled back just in time to just pinch her hand and spare her a broken bones.

The transaction wrapped up without incident, until we saw the mother & son duo battling it out in the parking lot over a trip to the AC Casino with the envelope of cash. She may be small, but she was apparently a high-roller leaving my son 10.00 of quarters in the ashtray. Cha-ching! 

Life is unpredictable so find the humor and Enjoy the Ride!

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