Category Archives: disappointment

No Apologies

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This quote has resonated with me with a force that I could not longer ignore.  Why? Because it’s truth on paper, or in this case … Pinterest. I’ve kept my distance on my Blog for reasons that were just not genuine and this little reminder brought me here today. I know… I know … I know. 

I haven’t been “too busy” to write. Lamest excuse evah!  Seriously! I’m not out solving world peace, I’m walking dogs and washing dishes. Just doing my thang. 

Old Habits Die-Hard

Old Habits Die-Hard

The truth is I’ve been away because old habits really do die-hard, especially those from our childhood. Those Mother Efers are like the Michael Myers of behaviors!  Just when you think you’ve beat them down, stabbed, shot, drowned, suffocated and tied them to a train track before dropping them into a 10 foot grave, someone comes along; lets out one little comment that resurrects these assholes into spring chickens! Once again proving the power of  our Words.

That’s right folks, I let the words of a small group of naysayers bring me back to a place I thought was out of my life for good. Obviously that was not the case. Apparently there are a few people in my world who read this Blog anonymously. Meaning they are not included in the 712 out and about followers. 

This handful of naysayers, who prefer to lurk in the shadows of my business and later zap me with my own words when the opportunity strikes are the real story tellers. That’s right folks, because every time they open their mouths to undermine my dreams, criticize or predict my doom they are letting the world know their story, not mine. So from this moment on not one more fuck will be given about their “opinion.” 

2ec12bf281d76a09e5095674b964e0f3My blog was born as a therapy session outside of my therapy session, not a NY Times best seller. It’s just a little speck out in the world that allows me to dump some long overdue baggage out the window and let  shit go. So if a handful of people can’t deal with that the solution is simple …. stop reading it. That friends is not rocket science. 

Letting go of some baggage over time has enabled me to start growing into my own badass self and I AM NOT APOLOGIZING for being ME just because a certain crew of negative people can’t seem to handle that truth.

I have spent 2 and a half years writing 180 essays on top of 3 years of counseling trying to bring my genuine self to the surface and it’s going to take more than a few mean-spirited naysayers to bring me down. Snap!

Now let me go dig into a nice big bowl of diamonds for dinner so I can continue to SHINE ON and Enjoy the Ride! 

 

Don’t Let Me Down

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Are you happy now? Next time I’m driving.

Disappointment certainly comes in all shapes and sizes throughout our lives. For me, disappointment is complex, and it usually never travels alone. It’s always out there surrounded by a posse of emotions like anger, hurt, sadness, and probably many others that just like to linger within the group. Emotional groupies … no thanks.

Right now I’m not sure what I should feel. I’ve been surrounded by disappointment and company since July, leaving me in a constant state of emotional uncertainty.

Disappointment is slick. It mastered the skill of hovering over my mind, making its way from front to back in an instant and distorting my usually bright view of the world. I really just want to get back on my unicorn and ride some rainbows. 

WTF?

WTF? I look like an old man.

How am I suppose to react when someone I know falls from grace? When this happens to the rich and famous like Lance Armstrong or Tiger Woods we are all consumed with hearing the sordid details of their fall. We play judge & jury over coffee, around the water cooler or in the school yard. But, how do we deal with it when it happens to Joe & Jane Ordinary from our own inner circles? Someone just like you or I who decided to make choices that leaves us with that perpetual WTF look on our faces. This is never a good look for more that a few seconds, let alone months.

The story of Jane or Joe isn’t taking precedence on every network on the planet and Lord knows they’re not sitting back pondering “Would it be better to come clean to Oprah, Katie or Dr. Phil?”  They’re most likely just trying to survive the fall. Loosing everything to the average person is much different from loosing endorsements from Nike and Gatorade. Regular folks don’t bounce. 

faf06848e722c88b8f2f216f2ce6a2c4Sometime in December I read a post over at the The Byronic Man that touched on this subject, but it also stirred some serious emotions for me. At the end of his piece he presented a Weekly Question of the Week that certainly made me pause. Who out there – celebrity or scientist, writer or philanthropist – do you just really, really hope never has some image-destroying scandal?  Or even, if they are in fact awful, you’d just rather not know? My answer to this question was Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen’s actions represent my perception of humanity at its best. I could never know that Ellen was really some behind the scenes tyrant who chewed kindness up and spit it out.  I’m sweating just thinking about that possibility..ugh. 

While answering that question, I was thinking about something that was hitting much closer to my ordinary life. There was someone in my life every day for close to 3 years whose recent actions let me down. We worked together, laughed together and cried together as we fought a battle that at times felt like we were we starring in a Lifetime movie. These movies are much better when viewed  from the comfort of your living rooms. 

As with any relationship there are up & downs and we certainly had our share. Saying that our personalities are different would be an understatement, but they balanced perfectly together while we were in the midst of this battle. However, things changed  for me when the dust settled. Back in July, I found out that this person had taken a fall from grace. She managed to commit some of the same acts that we spent 3 years battling. Needless to say disappointment, along with its entourage, hit me like a ton of bricks. I was literally left stunned.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Maya Angelou.

I love that quote by Maya Angelou, but I have a difficult time believing, even when the evidence is obviously clear. Denial is easier than 7502811442_57c92e3656disappointment. I have a habit of giving everyone the benefit of doubt, always believing that they are in fact much better than what they are revealing to the world. I already know I would not fare well on a jury. 

Maya Angelou explains, people know themselves much better than you do. That’s why it’s important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are. Don’t expect and you won’t get hurt…right? 

So here I am almost 7 months later finally ready to accept this disappointment. I recognize that I will continue to be disappointed—that it’s part of life, part of being human. That’s real encouraging isn’t it? Jeez!

I think I’ll start to focus on some happiness for now. Maybe I’ll grab a unicorn, find some rainbows and just … Enjoy the Ride!

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