Category Archives: Dogs

Who Am I?

What+have+i+become+a+bitch_59323d_3846959All morning I pondered on the question:

At what point did my like life turn from waking up on a Saturday morning wondering what exactly did I do last nightto waking up thinking what container am I going to use for a fecal sample? Who am I …. really now?

No doubt there have been thousands of questionable comparisons over the years, but this was literally my first thought of the day. Life is too short people!

The longer I stayed in bed contemplating container options, the weirder it got.

You see, the fecal matter in question was being collected on behalf of my fur balls. That’s right ladies & gents, then I had to transport it, along with the fur balls, to the Vet for examination. Why? 

Well, because I recently applied, yes APPLIED, for them to attend a Doggie Daycare and I need to provide evidence that they are indeed the healthy canines I claimed they were on their application. Because applying for colleges wasn’t stressful enough. 

This all started because of some upcoming events that will leave my little lumps of love alone for a long stretch of time, and because we are wonderful parents we made the decision to investigate some options that would allow our little guys some outside loving hands and play time while we’re gone.  Yes, we are still talking about pets. 

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Peanut & Landon sporting sweaters from their collection

After conversations with other pet owners, and the review of endless online accolades, we decided to give Camp Bow Wow the opportunity to care for Peanut & Landon in our absence. Not quite that easy.

My initial inquiry prompted an email with instructions that are equivalent to completing a FASFA application x’s 2. I have a new respect for parents of twins.

Aside from providing normal information such as an emergency contact, I was also required to describe how my guys interact with large dogs, people and disclose if they have ever been exposed to a group of 8 or more dogs. According to my responses I have successfully raised 2 sheltered homeschooled dogs. 

Seriously, you do not realize how weird you with your pets until you see things like “Peanut a/k/a “P” loves people, other animals, and children. He is an all around social butterfly wherever he goes” in your own handwriting.

After submitting the applications, along with their clean bills of health, I was able to schedule their interview. Yes, you did read that correctly …. INTERVIEW.

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Do the hats make them look desperate? 

They are to report to Camp Bow Wow on Friday at 11:00 a.m. where they will be observed for 3 hours while I wait to hear if they’ve been accepted. Maybe there’s a bar nearby …

Personally, Camp Bow Wow should be honored to have my fur babies paws gracing their facility, but that’s the mother in me talking.  Meanwhile, I’ll be scheduling an appointment with the Groomer so they look dapper for their big day.

Enjoy the Ride!

 

 

Low Riders

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Zero Fucks Given

Today in Philadelphia we are dealing with some nasty weather conditions. Winter has arrived shutting everything down for the day. Yesterday it was shorts, t-shirts and record breaking temperatures, but that’s none of my business Mother Nature.

My luv bugs Peanut and Landon, who are on the same schedule, seem to have some “issues” with Mother Nature’s latest mood swing. They are no doubt the Felix & Oscar of the canine world.

Peanut and Landon are what we like to call a “low riders.” They have short legs.

We have discovered that Peanut does not care that he is built like Danny DeVito. He struts through puddles, snow drifts, and high grass as if he is working the runway.  Wet belly, snow balls stuck to his undercarriage like a canine Swifter without one single care in the world given.

In fact, Pee Wee has been channeling his inner Husky since day one. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, he can’t wait to hit the snow. He avoids all shoveled areas, leaves his coat in the house and intentionally climbs to the top of snow piles to gracefully leave a pile of his own. Shhh! He doesn’t know we pick it up.

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Nah, I’m good.

Then we have Landon, who is also a low rider and owns it. He has zero interest in the snow or any other weather that does not include sunbeams with perfect temperatures. High maintenance is an understatement. 

Landy Dandy does not have it easy when bad weather hits our area. Nope, not one bit. Unless you consider being CARRIED over puddles and patches of snow a hardship. 

Landon, the Rosa Parks of canines, REFUSES to go out in the elements for any reason whatsoever. It’s a flat, solid … NO! He doesn’t even consider conforming to the masses. (ME)

So, while my neighbors are enjoying Netflix binges on this snowy day, I will be spending a good amount of my time freezing in my yard as I coax a dog to pee, and blow drying snow balls off of a husky wanna be.

Enjoy the Ride …. even when it’s slippery!

 

Dog Breath

On Thursday I had to take the fur babies to the Vet for a dental procedure. Easier said than done friends.

The hardest part was leaving them there for the day. The fact that they were being held, while listening to how cute they were as they were kissed on the head made it easier … for them, not me.

dog-breathThe procedure is equivalent to human routine cleaning. Except dogs are knocked out cold. 

My luv bugs had no pressing issues other than having breath with the scent of Satan’s anus due to tartar and plaque buildup. A mint will not help breath once it reaches the Satan anus level.

The tech informed me that I should be getting a call on their status after lunch. When 12:01 came and went my concern started. I waited until 2:30 before making the call to check on their status. A lifetime … it was a lifetime.

At that time I was told Landon was still being treated, Peanut was waking up nicely with a “beautiful smile” and the doctor would call when all was done. Perfect! 0a19e8abe89b47d1350c3c03bc71c045

When the doctor called she was very kind. She informed me that no teeth needed to be
extracted, but that Landon had a “crooked canine tooth” that could give him trouble in the future. If she said he needed braces it would have sounded completely normal coming out her mouth. 

Fast forward to 7 pm when we went to pick them up.

This is when I started to think we might be a little crazy. We were discussing looking forward to seeing their excitement. Somewhere in between packing their coats and leaving the car running so they wouldn’t be cold. 

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Starring at NOTHING and it feels GOOD

The thought of them being high as kites never really crossed our minds. Peanut came out crying like the drama king he is and Landon stared at nothing with a little smirk. They were officially the crying drunk and that one guy who went too far at the party.

While all this was going on in the waiting room the receptionist presented the bill. I’m pretty sure it was brought to the desk with a forklift, but we were too busy with our high dogs to notice.

All I do know is that when these luv bugs smile I need to see a SOLID GOLD GRILL.

That evening the messages of concern from friends were blowing up my phone. Inquiring if they were in any pain. Wondering if they were “ok”. Pet people flock together.

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Peanut and his friend Hussy Owl providing comfort

The responses are as follows:

Landon is happily staring at nothing. Loving every second.

Peanut is being held like a baby. Milking every second.

My wallet is the only thing in any sort of pain. It’s still shivering in the corner. 

They are being waited on by their two human roommates. Being hand fed scrambled eggs.

As we approach Oscar season, please look for Peanut’s name on the list of actors being considered for the ultra dramatic role as “dog who had his teeth cleaned.” This little guy has put Bette Davis to SHAME over the past few days. 

Sport your smiles and Enjoy the Ride!

 

 

An Offer You Can’t Refuse

event_photo-57a5033a5b6d5This Sunday, September 18th, I have the pleasure of walking on behalf of LuLu’s Rescue. This wonderful organization was brought to my attention by my dear friend Marge. We’ve known each other since grade school. A/K/A a very long time.

Marge rescued the most beautiful girl named Izzy from this organization. She loves to dig holes, sit in the sun, cuddle and provide endless hours of love. What more can you ask for? Marge might say fewer holes. 

I’m not sure how Marge does it, but she regularly volunteers her time and effort to this cause. I’ve seen photos of her in a pile of puppies! Yes, you read that right. Somehow she has the restraint to not fill her purse and make a run for it with those fur balls. I do not have that power. 

The part I’m playing in all of this is very small. I just have to B E G family and friends to support me in raising some cold hard cash. With every $250.00 raised a lump of love will be rescued from a kill shelter. Insert a gentle tug on your heartstrings. 

They will then be placed into loving foster arms where they will await a forever home. But all of this cost money. Your donation will provide transport, vetting, spay/neuter, microchip, heart worm and flea/ tick meds along with food to all of these lucky dogs. Literally lucky dogs. 

Look, I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse. Yes, I’m channeling my inner godfather.

All you have to do it click on this LINK:  Lisa’s Donation Page 

Follow the directions about entering your digits and you’re done. Easiest thing you will do all day!

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Compliments of Lovelorn Pup

In return animals all across the land will wag their tails in unison to THANK YOU for saving one of their own.  Animals are such grateful creatures. 

 

Enjoy the Ride … with a wag riding shotgun!

Spring, With A Side Of Summer

Spring has sprung here in Philly, with a side of Summer.

Oh, there is chatter about “it” not being over, but “it” doesn’t matter once the thermometer reaches 80. Tootles Old Man Winter, until we meet again.

I’ve put together a little photo essay for the turn of seasons, even though it’s not official for a few more weeks.

First up …. Squirrels

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Bonjour!

Meet Sebastien a/k/a the nemesis to my two little innocent fur angels.

Sebastian L O V E S to just sit, stare and mock from the comforts of my deck furniture.

Yesterday, as Landon was barking his face off, Sebastien was enjoying a croissant on my swing. A croissant? 

When I catch him in his beret smoking a cigarette and demanding a refill, I’ll be sure to share that photo. Where the hell did he get that croissant?

Flowers

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Hello World!

Everything is getting greener, with a splash of pink, purple & yellow of course.

You can always depend on the Crocus’s to arrive early to the party with a little hope in tow. They are certainly survivors and they never disappoint.  I think they might be my spirit flower ….

These perfect beauties were posted to FaceBook by my friend. Feel free to smile.

I’ll just be over hear scratching my eyes and blowing my nose. Allergies…the dark side of Spring.

Love

Oh yes, it’s true. While wildlife in my yard has been handing out cigars like the Duggars, my little Pee-Wee (Peanut) that has fallen hard right here in the house.

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Took the Lady right out of this bug!

It’s Dogs Gone Wild over here at LWTTD!

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What?

Peanut suddenly started taking trips upstairs. He prefers to be carried like the King he is, so that raised a brow. Peanut sauntered down with a little swagger in his step. The only thing missing was the silk robe, cigarette & martini. 

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There is nothing to see here … move along.

Like the good mother I am, I stalked his next trip. Sure enough, I caught him shacking up with a stuffed Lady Bug. Mother’s intuition is rarely wrong.

What I did not expect was the all out orgy I witnessed with the Lady Bug, Phillie Phanatic and the Scholar Owl. Or the fact that I yelled, “what are you doing?!”

Is this my life now? Hiding stuffed animals before I leave the house … apparently it is. 

Peanut the poker-faced PLAYHA.

 

Honestly, the best part about this glorious weather has been open windows and sunbeams, just ask Landon. 

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I stay away from stuffed animals, but I bark at air. 

Looks like today will be another beauty … Enjoy the Ride!

Got Data?

piscesI’ve done an unofficial study of sorts over the past few months and it’s not my first. Just when you thought you knew me.

I’ve done several studies over the years, not that they find their way to a medical journal or get me a Nobel prize nomination, but I track certain things that raise an eyebrow because I feel like it. Interesting indeed I know.

My first study started several years ago when I read that the weakest part of a person born under the sign of Pisces, like me, is their feet. Why is that Lisa?  Well, because the symbol for a Pisces is two fish and as we all know fish do not have feet. If you did not know that, please move along.

Since I just happen to work for a Podiatrist I started to take note on how many patients are born under the sign of Pisces. The answer is … a lot. I won’t bore you with graphs and charts because I don’t like being bored and they don’t exist. 

Another study I’ve been working on is calculating the number of people who have Diabetes and Hypertension, again the answer is … a lot. Notice I keep my data very simple. 

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Peanut on the Left Landon on the Right

My latest investigation of sorts pertains to my two little love bugs Peanut and Landon. It never occurred to me until we got Landon, that Peanut is either gay, highly metrosexual or something else. As if I have all the time in the world. 

These two are the Felix and Oscar of the canine world. Peanut always the serious rule follower and Landon, well he is just Landon.

DATA COMPILED TO DATE: 

HYGIENE:

Peanut, when the slightest bit of dirt is on his paws, he walks directly into the shower stall and demands we cleanse the filth while Landon is under the impression that dirt builds character.

Peanut will then stand on a floor towel like cement until I get the blow dryer out to properly dry his feet and Landon is already out the door running in circles at 90 mph for a more natural approach.

1374748_10201062269823604_1627531393_nFASHION: 

My little Pee Wee also has a serious sense of fashion. Call me crazy, but it is true. This little guy loves to look dapper. While he enjoys sporting an occasional bow tie with his collar, his signature look is the turned-up collar of his coat. He hides behind the chair if I choose a less fashionable piece from his wardrobe.

As for Landon, he wears a coat out of necessity since he is the size of a snowflake and would most likely become popsicle if he weren’t wearing something to keep him warm, he opts for whatever we put on him.

EATING:

Where do we even begin? Peanut waits patiently then walks quietly into the room to approach his bowl while Landon repeatedly checks on the status of his order and resembles a Mexican jumping bean until I put the bowl down.

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Peanut is very selective in this department. Oh, he isn’t going to sniff any ole ass no sirree, they must be the right size, shape and color. Peanut has very high standards in this department.

Meanwhile, Landon is all over the first piece of fur that crosses his path. No need for names or numbers, if there is tail … he is all about that ass.

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I’m starting to see the resemblance …

Conclusion:

Dear Lord …

It occurred to me during the proofreading portion of this post, that Peanut is not gay or metrosexual, he has taken on the characteristics of MY HUSBAND. I feel another study coming on …

Do you realize what that means? I am Landon! A low maintenance social butterfly, who  has been known to jump for food. I’m dying right now!

Life certainly is a trip … Enjoy the Ride!

Pet Power!

Immediate Smile

Immediate Smile

This morning as I was trolling on Facebook I noticed that one of my friends posted an adorable photo of her two puppies Cosmo and Emma, but this time it was different. She included a well wishes to someone named Anthony. Hmm … further investigation was necessary.

After a few clicks I found out that her photos were actually part of a wonderful event Photo Doggies for Anthony. Anthony is a 16-year-old boy who is currently undergoing chemotherapy for acute lymphoblastic leukemia at the Phoenix Children’s Hospital.

As I was reading his story I found out that Anthony is a firm believer in the power of pet therapy and animal healing. I know my Peanut has wonderful nursing skills, so I can’t argue with that thought. 

Therapy dogs are just not available every day for every patient, so some wonderful people in Anthony’s life came up with this incredible idea to have people send him pictures and videos of their dogs and some cats as well to cheer him up. Genius!

As I was scrolling through the photos, on this dreary Sunday morning, I found I was smiling. I’m not sure if it was from the photos of all the adorable doggies, the outpouring of love for this stranger or the confirmation that humanity is alive and well in this world, as long as you’re willing to recognize it.

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Please take a moment to join in on this event. It will only take a nano second to click on the link above to send Anthony some love by posting a picture of the pet in your life.

Oh, wait what you don’t have a pet? 

Poleze! You don’t have friends with pets? I’m sure you all have someone in your life willing to share their furry friend for a goo cause. That’s what I thought… umm hmm. 

What the heck are you waiting for? Anthony is ready to Enjoy the Ride! 

 

Bitch Please! I’m A Rescue

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Landon. 2.5 year old Maltese/Yorkie mix.

It’s a BOY!  I’m just stopping by to make a HUGE announcement about a new addition to our family. I’m still trying to figure out why we decided to expand our family, especially since our kids are just about out the door and freedom is at our fingertips, but here we are the proud parents of … Drum Roll Please …..Landon. Isn’t he just the cutest? …. after Peanut of course.

We rescued Landon from the Dutch Country Animal Rescue.  This wonderful organization saved this little guy from some hell hole in Missouri. It’s unthinkable to know that this sweet boy spent 2 of his 2.5 years on this earth in a crate. He came with some issues, so he fits right into this house.  This is not an “issue free” zone.

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Peanut & Landon chillin.

Peanut has been the center of attention around here for 2 years, so my daughter, who knows ALL about being the center of attention for 2 years before her world came to an erupt end at the birth of her brother, has volunteered to advocate on Peanut’s behalf. Looks like she is already using those Psych & Sociology classes to do some good … or … evil. 

Peanut has welcomed Landon with open paws. He has dragged out every toy we ever purchased to make sure Landon understands,“These are ALL mine and NO it doesn’t matter that I haven’t touched them in over a year they are MINE. Landon did not seem fazed by this episode of toy hoarding in the least. He gave his best ” Bitch please I’m a rescue” face and moved on.

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Landon with me. Peanut with Greg.

We are all adjusting our schedules to make Landon’s transition into our family a happy one. Tomorrow will mark week one for Landon in our home and he is doing well eating, walking and pooping without incident. Yippee!

According to my daughter’s faceless smile and palm emoji, I may have crossed the line purchasing matching sweaters for these furry boys, while my son was just glad they weren’t for him and his sister. Hehehe!

Landon is filling our hearts including Peanut’s with love every day and we are glad he is here to Enjoy the Ride!

 

Just Jack

aaefb5386f21c9ca82755f703a67331fOk people this is going to be brief considering I’m still a little traumatized by the events, but I thought it would be good idea to share my tale for healing purposes of course. Or just so you could all have a good ole fashioned laugh at my expense. 

December 20th started out like any other day. I was up early to get a jump on things before battling retail facilities with my daughter for Christmas loot. All was calm, all was bright.

Since it was exceptionally warm and sunny that morning I decided to
take my little Pee Wee out for a long walk before we left. This way he would be too tired to miss us…at least that’s what I tell myself. So off we go out into the neighborhood. I thought it would be a good idea to head towards the playground and ball fields in my area, since it is loaded with good sniffing spots for Pee Wee. I never saw this coming … literally!

8808ceb7923efc653d849e947fd97ce2There I was, minding my own damn business, when out of NO WHERE came 2 giant black poodles heading right for us at full speed. I scoop my little Pee Wee up and hold him over my head like Simba in the Lion King! Thank God I’ve been working out is all I can say!

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Hideous!

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the human in charge of these 2 oversized fur balls made her way across the street. She was walking at a snails pace for god sakes!

As she began apologizing, “Jack” the overzealous/horny fur fuck had taken a liking to yours truly and mounted his big furry ass to my back. His paws were at my shoulders and I am at least 5′ 8″ tall…seriously!

Needless to say the poor woman was trying very hard to get Jack to stop humping me, but clearly he was enjoying himself way too much to let loose. By the way I was still holding Pee Wee in the air during this entire one-sided love fest.

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Middle-aged women need to be included in this list.

As the owner was trying to get a collar onto the other one, Jack continued to enjoy himself.  I was turning in all directions trying to shake him loose, but this young lad had paws of steel and he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Awkward? Oh…dear…lord…that was an understatement. 

This all conveniently took place at a STOP sign, so you better believe there were quite a few pointing fingers and fits of laughing going on at every stop. Where are the all the superheros when you need one?

The woman FINALLY got one dog under control and then she proceeded to peel Jack off of my back and thanked me for being “gracious”. Um, graciously assaulted was more like it. The first thing out of my mouth was “Well, I’m wearing a black coat, maybe Jack thought I was his girl from the hood.” I really couldn’t think of anything else to say. She just stared….

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Typical!

When it was all over I half expected to see Jack lying on the sidewalk smoking a cigarette! I walked away laughing as I heard the woman continue to apologize. Please ! The least she could have done was give me Jack’s number. 

Sooooo….what does one do when crazy shit happens? They send a text to their family and friends who they know will also get a good laugh out of it. Which is exactly what happened.

These are the responses from my dear sisters Madelynne and Gina, notice the sympathetic tones (insert sarcasm please).  I knew their responses would make me laugh even harder, because this is how we roll! Read and enjoy folks

Sister number one responds with a question regarding the location of the assault. Oh, not to rush over, but to either avoid that area in the future or laugh harder if other people witnessed this encounter. It was a win win for Madelynne.

IMG_1721Next, we both discussed our feelings for Poodles. That’s right Poodle lovers everywhere, sorry but we are not fans and I for one will never be a fan. Jack got what he wanted and has yet to call.

IMG_1726Next up is sister number two a/k/a Gina. I knew her response would be good since she is really not what one would call an “animal person” like myself. This was a golden opportunity for her to justify why she is not a pet owner. 

IMG_1722This conversation escalated to borderline insanity! I literally had to sit on a step to prevent myself from peeing my pants….literally!

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The lesson here ladies and gentleman is: When life decides to throw you a curve or a giant poodle named Jack, find the humor and Enjoy the Ride! 

P.W.E.E.

a611f924fdd97685ea092e94e7c58c5dThere is so much hubbub out there about the Government spying on average law-abiding citizens, but honestly I’m not sure what all the outrage is about. I was trying to think when the last time was that I actually had an ounce of privacy and I’ve concluded it was during those 9 glorious months in the womb. Peace on earth.

Once you’re exposed to this big bad world all bets are off regarding privacy. If you grew up in a house with other people a/k/a family members, you better believe your phone calls were being listened to by someone in that house. This task was not easy in the 70’s when your phone receiver weighed a good 50 pounds. 

Even though we didn’t have Facebook, we did have diaries with “locks” that were easier to pick than a nose, which were also much less private. Parents could easily walk into your room, lay on your bed with a glass of wine, light up a cigarette and enjoy all of your deep dark secrets. All privacy bets were off when you lived under the roof of old-school parents. 

If you are a parent or have ever been in the company of small children forget about EVER having a secret again. Kids 7a6d0c06c37c5db6701d882985deb8cdtend to follow you everywhere and drill you with the most personal questions with ease and endless resilience. “Where do babies come from?” “Why does Billy have 2 moms/dads?” “Why is the sky blue?” “Where are all the dinosaurs?” “What does God look like?” “How old are you?” “Did you live on a prairie?” “Why don’t girls have jiggies?” Even the most skilled interrogators don’t tread in those waters. Oh and please be selective in your responses because your answers will be shared with anyone who will listen!

This does not include what they overhear you saying. Oh, they are so good acting as if they are just playing quietly while you are discussing the outrageous overprotectiveness of a certain mother on the block. Who needs drones when you have these stealth listeners around? The three small words “My mom said” have the power to leave even the strongest of parents groveling for an explanation.

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Ok Brian thank you for …. sharing.

I had the pleasure of volunteering in my son’s pre-school class, which just happened to be a Christian run school. Let me just say that what happens in your house, does not stay in your house. It will be shared during Circle Time faster than you can say animal crackers! The subject on this particular day was discussing the dangers of smoking. There was a request for a raise of hands on who knew someone who smoked. This gave little Brian his golden opportunity to reveal “My mommy has  3 boyfriends 2 that smoke and 1 that doesn’t. I go in the closet when the smoking boyfriends come over.” Three year olds have a way of throwing their parents under the bus like no other age group. Honest to God there are moments in my life that will never be forgotten…this is high on that list mainly due to the look on  Mrs. Gumble’s face.

The reason I’m even discussing privacy or the lack there of in this world? Well, that would be because a certain member of my family is either working for the NSA,FBI,CIA,KGB … I probably just opened a big ole door publishing those trigger initials, or he is so head over heels in love with my every waking moment that he feels the need to make sure he doesn’t miss a second of my every day life. I’m leaning towards the latter, but who really knows. That’s right ladies & gents I’m talking about P.W.E.E . Peanut Watches Every Everything a/k/a Peanut the Maltipoo!

Here are just a few examples of how the P.W.E.E. operates:

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Whatcha writing about?

Does your life really consist of folding laudrey every dang day?

I love the way you fold the laundry momma. I could watch you roll those socks for hours.

You took exceptionally long in the shower this morning.

I could watch you blow dry your hair every day and never be bored…oh, wait that’s what I do.

You will never be alone again.

I’ll just watch you while you watch the Voice.

I'll get the bed warmed up for you.

I’ll get the bed warmed up for you.

I don't always watch you, but when I do I make sure I sit like a human and glare you down.

I don’t always stare at you, but when I do I make sure I sit like a human and glare you down until you summon me to cuddle.

Just remember, you never know who’s watching so make it watch worthy and Enjoy the Ride! 

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