Category Archives: Laughter

I Like The Real Thing

 

sexThis article was shared on FaceBook by a dear friend. Sex Robots Are Being Made to Replace Men by 2025Now if that doesn’t scream “click on me” I don’t know what does. 

After a nano second, I gave into my temptation and this is what I read:

Sex with a humanoid robot will become common practice by 2025, even overtaking sex between humans, says futurologist, Ian Pearson. His report on the future of sex has been published in partnership with Bondara, one of UK’s leading sex toy shops.

Is a futurologist a real thing? Yes 

As you can see,  this was the “idea” of a man. My first thought as a woman, a/k/a the sex with common sense, was “that thing is not going to fit in the nightstand drawer.”

It was at that exact moment when I grabbed my idea shattering oozie and began to fire into Ian’s brainstorm to replace men in the boudoir.

Dear Ian,

I hope this letter finds you well. First of all, congrats on being a futurologist! No doubt your parents are over the moon with this career choice. But I’m sure you already knew they would be cool with it before you officially broke the news.

Now, back to the reason, I’m writing. This article does not mention how you came to your conclusion, but something tells me you did not interview many women in the process, because if you did, I’m certain this idea would have died a quick death in the early stages of its development.

First, let me just quote something for your article:

“A lot of people will still have reservations about sex with robots at first but gradually as they get used to them, as the AI and mechanical behaviour and their feel improves, and they start to become friends with strong emotional bonds, that squeamishness will gradually evaporate. While some people will enthusiastically embrace relationship-free robot sex as soon as they can afford one, as early as 2025, it won’t have much chance of overtaking sex with humans overall until 2050,” said Pearson

Honestly, where does one even begin?

Should I start with the price tag, the definition of “gradual” or your time-table?

Considering I grew up in the 70’s and expected to be flying around with my jet-pack by now, I’m going to say with confidence that your numbers are way off. Can you say Jetsons?

Our future adults will be too busy paying off their college loans to spare any additional cash for one of these things. Masturbation is free.

No one has time to wait for a mechanical device to start acting like a human being. Gradual is a long time. Not to mention we’re still waiting for some humans to act like humans.

As a woman, with a real vagina, I found some flaws in your prediction from the female point of view:

  • Women are not giving up closet space to store this sex machine. Closet space would be negotiated if this thing could do wash and clean bathrooms;
  • Women are not jumping in the hay with an emotionally dead robot … again. This thing needs to be charming, buy drinks and again, clean bathrooms if you want sales;
  •  Women are not cleaning their robot man after it has their way, women don’t play that game. If this thing is not “self-cleaning”, not like the oven, which still requires work. I mean literally finding a cleaning product, scrubbing itself down; and putting everything away, including itself, you can forget it.
  • Women would insist on a money back guarantee. What if this thing starts taking on asshole characteristics during the development stage? NO!

I’m sure you’re ready to refute my thoughts with some scientific facts that claim women would live longer if they had more orgasms, which I’m sure has some truth to it, but in reality woman would live a hell of a lot longer without the added stress of storing a sex robot in the bedroom.

Sincerely,

Lisa

Enjoy the Ride! Preferably with a human.

Donald

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At this point in my life, why do I continue to let my Inner Critic rise to the occasion to spew its negativity? Really, it needs to just shut up!

The other day I was stretching at the gym when I noticed this young woman staring at me. For the record, the inner critic loves to come to the gym.

Now, I could have thought that she was admiring my flexibility, but nooooo not when I have the asshole in tow. 

Immediately I assumed she was looking at my faults. We all know spandex does not lie. When you wear it at 52, after years of abusing yourself with food and bearing children …. it screams the truth.

We made eye contact, exchanged awkward smiles and moved along. The smile was f17ad66469e2d358214941c55d215844received as sympathy for my flaws. Without one piece of evidence.

Later in the workout I noticed her looking in my direction  …. again!  I should have been thinking that perhaps she was looking for a date, but no not with the good ole critic by my side. It was all about body shaming from that one.

I allowed these negative thoughts to grow throughout the workout. I was ridiculously self-conscience the entire time. As if the struggle isn’t hard enough, I had to dodge some extra punches.

After the hour was over and the stretching complete, the young woman sheepishly approaches me. Mind you she was built like an instructor, not a client, so I assumed she was nervous about how she was going to be brutally honest with me. If only negative thoughts burned calories … I would be transparent.

There I stood waiting for the punch. Feeling horrible about everything spandex, everything about the workout and everything about myself. Defeat at its highest power.

This is what went down:

Young Woman:  Oh hi I was just wondering where you get your hair cut. I saw you last week and loved your cut and I’m looking for a change.

Me:  What did you say? I blamed my shock o the music.

Young Woman:  I was just asking where you get your hair cut I love it! 

Me:  Gave her all the details and made her very happy. 

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My new attitude

By the time I got to the car I was furious with myself. I could not believe I put my accomplishments in the back seat while this miserable ass drove me to the point of such defeat.  My inner critic has a name, and I think it might be Donald, after another ass I know who continuously spews negative energy. 

Think about it….

No more trips to the past for me. Been there, done that.

No more beating myself up over my looks.

No more insecurities.

 

It’s all about moving forward to crush my goals like the badass rockstar from Mars that I know I am! Yes, that is the sound of someone wearing their positive pants.

I’m off to let my fabulous hair blow in the wind while I  ….. Enjoy the Ride!

Quote: thejealouscurator.com; Photo: Huffington Post

 

Open Wide

Roaring Laughter

“What was the last thing that gave you a real, authentic, tearful, hearty belly laugh? Why was it so funny?”

This question is by far one of the easiest I’ve ever had to answer. I am what some might consider an easy laugh and they’re right.

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By: Thomas Barbey

My answer to this question came on Friday, February 5th while sitting in, are you ready? the dentist chair. How many people can say that?

I’ve been going to my dentist for years. My mouth is a dental Disneyland so it’s a win/win. Always exciting, always something new, and always guaranteed cash. What’s not to love about that?

We really have a wonderful relationship, especially now that I’ve put both his children through college, and I’m currently helping him with a real estate deal in Center City. I’m such a giver … really. 

Well, on Friday I was going in for a quick $418.00 visit. Off with the temporary cap, on with the permanent one. In and out. Nothing ever goes according to plan with this mouth.

As he was getting started he signaled his assistant to get the suction going, but something was off about the conversation. I could tell he was getting frustrated. Um because I was right there with my mouth opened like the Holland Tunnel listening. 

Dentist:  Are you hungry?

Me:  I motioned “no” with my head.  Since I had a hand, vacuum, and some sort of light in my mouth at the time. I followed up with a shrug which was my way of asking “why?”

Dentist:  You seem to have a lot of saliva today. The suction can’t keep up. I’m about to bring in the wet vac.

Me: Lost it!

Dentist & Assistant:  Lost it!

** The rest of this conversation took place through laughter, which just made it funnier, which led to yet more laughter.**

Dentist:  Can you swallow?

Me:  Not without drowning.

Dentist: Bite down on this. A small piece of cotton.

Me:  You might want to get something more absorbent. Just the thought of a roll of Bounty in my mouth cracked me up.

Dentist:  I hate to say this … rinse out.

Me:  Practically crying with laughter.

Dentist:  In my entire career I never had to change gloves in the middle of a procedure.

Me:  Laughing at his now serious manner. Well, I got 99 problems, but extra saliva isn’t one of them.

Everyone:  Uncontrollable laughter

Enjoy the ride! 

How Low Can You Go?

Tell us about the most exciting big night out you had recently.

Imagine sitting in your kitchen on a Sunday afternoon, just 2 days after Christmas, trying to muster up the incentive clean-up the holiday aftermath, and go food shopping. The struggle was real.

In the distance, I heard a faint ding a/k/a as the diversion. 

I reacted like the trained lab rat I am and sprinted to find my phone.

Hmm, a private message from my BFF on Facebook, always intriguing, this time, it was like hitting a lottery.

Low and behold an old friend of hers, and a new friend of mine invited us to her East Coast wedding celebration.

The ding was received at 12:59 and the party started at 3:00.

While part of me was starting the car, the other part was anchored down with all she had to do. Celebrating love or food shopping? Once I said that out loud it was a no brainer.

Guess what? Milk can be purchased any ole time, but these friends were only here from California for the holidays. They came to celebrate their fabulous union with their East Coast peeps, and we were fortunate enough to be included in the festivities.

Needless to say, by some sort of miracle, we were both gussied up and drinking a cocktail by 3:30!! I even did my nails … it’s still a mystery.

When you say yes the universe helps you.  Dan Brule

Did I mention this was a gay wedding? Well, it was. Let me just say to the heterosexual crowd … THE BAR HAS BEEN RISEN. Game on people, game on.

We ate, danced, laughed, danced, laughed, danced, laughed …. you get the picture.

Here are a few photos of the shenanigans  fabulous time that I wanted to last all night long.

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Cheers!

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Selfie Station Shenanigans With the BFF

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The Happiness With One Of The Brides

 

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This Is What Fun Looks Like

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The Photo That Keeps On Giving

After the glitter settled I was suddenly crippled. Apparently I sprained my gluteus medius. How did this happen you ask? Well, that was determined through a conversation with the bestie and confirmed by an Orthopedic doctor.

Me: I’m crippled! I can just about walk. I think it’s from dancing.

Bestie: Did you go too low?

Me: Laughter! What?

Bestie: When the DJ said, “How low can you go?” Did you go too low?

Me:  Laughter! It was at the seriousness of the question.

Bestie:  Joined in on the laughter and added: “you go low all of the time at the gym.”

Me:  Well, If I’m a cripple, I’m glad it’s from something as fun as going too low.

Me & Bestie:  Laughter!

0856954c92e33680ca1bbc0235a04e50The lesson here folks is to make sure you say YES more often. Saying NO is safe, but lord knows it’s dull. Challenge yourself! Easier said than done, but necessary.

Say “yes” to new experiences, new people and new adventures. You’ll be surprised at how much you learn about yourself just by agreeing to learn about someone or something else. Learning is good.

If I played it safe with this invitation, sure I might have had milk for my cereal in the morning, but I would never have these amazing memories, not to mention this meme. Milk is highly overrated anyway.

Say YES and Enjoy the Ride!

 

Duty Calls

2216852825_civic_duty_answer_1_xlargeI recently had the pleasure of being Summoned for Federal Jury. Yes, pleasure. 

I’m not going to lie, going in I was torn between wanting to be sequestered and not wanting to go at all.

Since I do not know another soul in my inner circle that has been called for such a special duty, off I went.  Not sure how I hit this lottery, but I’m glad I did.

As you know, Federal Courthouses have very intense security systems in place. I thought this was due to things like terrorism, however, now I’m not so sure. It’s all about the power of the wand.

On day one I put my belongings into the designated bucket, walked through the metal detector, and  heard the Marshall say, “Whoa I was 57879578expecting sparks when you came through!” Of course, I thought he was referring to my dazzling personality …. he was not.

You’re required to serve for two days, so on day two I wore less dazzle.

This time, I was given the once over with the wand, instructed to sit in a chair, and had my boots felt up so thoroughly I felt dirty, weirdly satisfied and craving a cigarette. No dinner. No number.

Federal jury duty is indeed the country club of Civic Duty. There was a spread of food, drinks, carpeting on the floor, comfortable chairs, and cozy sitting areas. White collar crime is where it’s at!! 

First up was the premier of a 5 Star video on the importance of our service. It was narrated by a local news anchor, along with words of wisdom from some senior judges. Oscar worthy … really.

Next, Carol the court clerk explained all the details of being paid for our time. We would be reimbursed for everything under the sun and then some in addition to our guaranteed $45.00 per day. Cha-ching!

I did not get selected on day one which meant I sat, waited and was bored out of my mind. I should have brought a bigger book!

What’s a bored girl to do? Walk the halls of course.

wrsp_cov_weThis is where I came across the FBI’s list of the 10 Most Wanted criminals in the country. FYI: The longer you look at these photos the more you will think “I know him!” 

As I was standing there trying to determine if #6 was actually the guy who lives down the street, I heard “Hey are you looking to wrangle some of them in?” 

Me: “That depends on what you mean by wrangle.” 

We both laughed and I spent way too long wondering if this guy always used words like “wrangled.”

A small group gathered in one of the sitting areas. We introduced ourselves and became fast friends. It was like a cocktail party without the cocktails on the government’s dime.

Our group was a very mixed crew coming as far as 2 hours away to Philadelphia locals like myself. My absolute favorite juror was a woman from a wealthy Philadelphia suburb named Nina. Interesting and unintentionally hilarious were her traits.

It was about 12:45 or so when she realized we hadn’t had lunch. This is when she revealed she informed Carol the court clerk earlier that she is accustomed to eating lunch at 11:30. I burst into laughter assuming she was kidding … she was not.

After my awkward “oh I thought you were kidding apology ” I gracefully informed her that Carol is wearing a cow neck and a hair mane from the 80’s … she doesn’t care when you eat. Nina was not having it.

We all watched as Nina marched right over to remind Carol that it was long past her lunch time.  This is when belief met disbelief…I’m still  laughing.

The only one in our group to be chosen to serve was Tom a/k/a #79. He was a “survivalist” from a small town in upstate Pennsylvania. Think Rambo.

He wore head to toe camouflage gear both days, was able to profess love for his grand babies and describe how to break a neck without missing a beat. Intrigued is an understatement.

As for the rest of us a/k/a #’s 31, 43, 77, & 92, well, we went to a much needed lunch, exchanged emails and hugged our goodbyes.

Time served!

Good energy is contagious  Enjoy the Ride! 

 

By Hand Isn’t Always Dirty

Todays Daily Post Pens and Pencils asks the following:

When was the last time you wrote something substantive — a letter, a story, a journal entry, etc. — by hand? Could you ever imagine returning to a pre-keyboard era?

ec441e14e55f54e70b9f3c0efa69902dWell, considering I was born and raised in the “pre-keyboard era” it’s safe to say that I will continue to keep the art of handwriting alive and well in my circle. I love pens and pencils!

Just this week I wrote a note of well wishes to a sick friend and good luck wishes to friends who are starting a new chapter in their lives. I would consider both of these notes substantive, because they had the personal touch of the written word …. my words.

As a matter of fact, I can’t return from the pre-keyboard era because I never really left. I love giving and receiving a written note. I don’t care if it’s a simple “Pick up milk” on a post-it or a loving reminder inside a card that someone out there in the world is thinking of me on a special occasion. Handwriting Rocks!

Let me toot my handwriting horn now. My handwriting truly rocks because I went to Catholic school where penmanship was far more important than anything else on the planet. You haven’t lived until you completed an entire copybook of the handwritten alphabet!6d77f91d6e9883bf8dd5f53d5113214a

My children, ages 20 and 21, will never ever master this craft. There are chickens in barnyards across America with better writing skills!  Although my daughter had a brief stint with penmanship, my son had less.

He has voiced his dislike for my hand written notes claiming he struggles to read cursive, while insisting I print. I refuse to resort to wall drawings on his behalf!

At work I still have the pleasure of using a sharpened wood pencil, along with a date book that has real paper pages. Don’t faint.

I use these old school tools to schedule the doctor’s surgeries and I love it! Sharpened pencils make me smile, erasers … well, they make me smile even wider. Trust me, when you’re dealing with the public erasers are a dream come true.

d6921f10b25de2103860ddc0919c2345Honestly though the pen and pencil people of the world have to have some empathy for this keyboard era. What are they going to do save a text message from their lovers on their phones? Ugh … that is just depressing.

I guess if they don’t know any different they’re really not missing anything. Ok, now that’s even more depressing. 

I am grateful to have the skills to write a note; the ability to 10933809_10204126560508956_2675271846849125711_nappreciate a written note; and the sense to frame a note written by my husband on our first anniversary. Husband and writing are rarely used in the same sentence. 

This little beauty has acted as a reminder over the past 24 years on more than one occasion and I cherish its existence. It has also acted as a life saving tool more than once as well … just saying. 

Doing things “by hand” isn’t as dirty as it sounds. So take a moment today to write a note and as always … Enjoy the Ride!

 

Yo! Adrian

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Rocky Run 2014

Yesterday I had the pleasure of participating in the Rocky Run here in Philly. It was a 5k or a 10k run or Ralk. I just made that up because that’s what I did. The festivities started where else but at the Philadelphia Museum of Art, where Rocky ran those beautiful steps giving everyone hope that the underdog can make it to the top with  nothing more than determination.

My dear partner in crime a/k/a the Lucy to my Ethel signed us up for this event for several reasons, the first being the big fat medal you get when it’s over. Sad, but true. Little did we know we would be getting so much more out of this experience.

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What Not To Wear … Ever

All 7,000 participants were broken down into corals based on their run time. The folks in the front of the line were hardcore wearing all the proper running gear, that they no doubt wear every single day of their lives. Let’s just say things started to look differently as we headed to our coral at the back of the line. 

We went from a sea of Nike logos to a middle-aged man dressed as “Hulk Hogan” holding a model of Rocky made of balloons in a few small steps. I seriously debated having my corneas burned after this site.

I was suddenly back in grade school when our math groups divided us by using the names of flowers. Row one was filled with roses, while me and the rest of the dandelions sat in row six. Those Catholic schools really knew how to make us feel like shit!  I think it’s safe to say that Sister Mary Make Me Feel Like Shit underestimated the resilience of a dandelion …. just try to get rid on one in your yard, I dare ya!

We stood in our coral of racing misfits eyeing up our “competition” and confirmed that there was NO WAY the Louie Anderson look-alike was crossing that finish line before Lucy & Ethel. Game on!

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Crack Kills

The Eye of the Tiger was playing over the speakers and we were off running, only to be stopped in our tracks by a huge crack on the running path …. oh yes, the crack of Hulk Hogan’s ASS was right, dare I say…. in FRONT of us!  Once the nausea passed we blew past him determined to leave him in our dust.

You can all thank Lucy for this photo. It wasn’t easy  for her to capture the essence of the moment while moving in a crowd of running people. All in the name of “what NOT to wear” for a list a mile freaking long! 

Boathouse Row Philadelphia

Boathouse Row Philadelphia

Once we left that crack in the road behind us we were able to see the true beauty of our city. The race went along Boathouse Row, which just happens to be one of my favorite city landmarks. It is located on the east bank of the Schuykill River and home of social and rowing clubs, each having their own history. They are gorgeous day and night.

This entire area oozes with architecture genius that put the skyscrapers in the background to shame. Structures such as the Fairmount Water Works and The Philadelphia Art Museum are certainly a thing of the pastAnother reminder that change is everywhere.

Lucy & Ethel

Lucy & Ethel

We finished in less than an hour and that included several stops along the way for pictures, laughing and of course … trying not to pee our pants on this very cold morning. 50 year-old female problems.

We celebrated with free protein bars and water before heading over to tackle those famous museum steps like Rocky! When in Rome …. 

 

It was a morning filled with a bit of everything, especially some much-needed soul feeding.

  • Belly laughter with a friend
  • Ralking among the beauty of my city
  • 15,000 steps on my Garmin before 10:00 a.m.; and
  • Feeling like a CHAMPION were the perfect way to Enjoy the Ride! 
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Whoot!

 

 

 

 

 

Say What? Judy

Homes_5_Construction_1914_rowhouses_BaltimoreMd_photoIn honor of Labor Day I thought I’d share a little something from my first real job out in this big bad world. It was the United States Bankruptcy Court  for the Eastern District of PA.  FYI: I didn’t even know what a Bankruptcy was at this point.

I was fresh out of serving my sentence at an all girls catholic high school. At the tender age of 18 I was officially thrown to the wolves. I was literally out of school 4 days so the wolves were sympathetic. 

Needless to say my worldly experiences up until this point were void. I grew up in a cookie cutter section of the city. Attended school with a group of girls who were also raised in this environment and my exposure to  urban life was slim. Until it was slammed in my face all in one day.  Like lambs to the slaughter, my ass.

I’ll admit going into this job could easily be compared to a lamb being led to the slaughter, but I survived. My boss was a wonderful mentor and the co-workers … well … they were certainly an eclectic crew. Some I’m still friends with, others just provide flashbacks of shock & awe. 

Since this was a Government job they didn’t always hire the sharpest tools in the shed. Let’s just say there were the brains and the who the hell knows whats, but somehow it was a good balance. This is where Judy comes in …

Judy, which is her real name … sort of. You see, Judy was born in India so I’m not sure if her parents were huge Wizard of Oz fans or she just Americanized herself upon arrival. It really didn’t matter to me Judy was easy to pronounce. 

At the time Judy came on board I had a good two years under my belt. At 20 I was already a seasoned employee. Judy was a nice middle-aged woman assigned to the desk behind mine. She would be working with me to send out mass mailings to creditors. Easy enough. 

did-you-get-the-memo_zps35306e14I knew the proper etiquette when it came to new employees. You introduce yourself, make some small talk about marital statuses, kids and education before going silent. Idol chit chat … no more.

It was clear early on that Judy did not receive the memo on this procedure when she summoned me to turn around, because she wanted to tell me something. I had an odd feeling that I was about to hear more than I needed to know when she kept insisting that I roll my chair closer. Baaaa Baaaa …. off I went.

In her broken English she introduced herself with this opening:

Judy:  “I once had frostbite on my feet.”

Me:  “Oh”  Translation: WTF is frostbite? A shoe designer?

Judy:  “My toes can fall off at any time.”

Me:  ……………………. Translation: Wait … What!?

Judy:  “I could just be sitting here and loose a toe.”

Me:  ……………………. Translation:  Umm, I don’t pick up loose toes!

Needless to say I spent the rest of the day staring into space patiently waiting for a toe or two to roll on by. Once the initial shock wore off I thought that maybe I didn’t understand her correctly through her broken English, so I went back to the slaughter-house for round two.  Probably not one of my better decisions. 

Honestly, at 20 years old this information could barely be processed. I was not schooled on the health hazards of frostbite. For god sakes I was too busy preparing to marry Mr. Wrong!

Me:  “Excuse me did you say your toes could just fall off?”

Judy:  “Yes”

Me:  “Oh …. like …. when?”

Judy:  “It can happen any time.”

Me:  …………………..

Obviously this occurred before the hype of suing anyone who dared to infringe on your personal space, especially with their loose ab62f88d629358583e4b988139509f8etoes, otherwise I would be writing this from my beach front home. Stark & Stark missed the boat on this case!

I just continued being a good citizen by going to work with the added unpaid duty of checking my workspace for random toes. No piggy that went to the market … good. All clear on the piggy that stayed home … check. The dynamic duo one with roast beef the other with none … nowhere in sight. That little rascal that went wee, wee, wee …. back at home. 

It really is ironic that I now work for a Podiatrist and Judy is not a patient … with or without her toes.

Enjoy the Ride! 

Say What? Mildred

Basset with ears upI am going to try my hand at something new with my blog. I thought of this incredibly brilliant idea at this very moment, therefore the logistics haven’t been worked out, other than the title … “Say What?  I will try my best to compile a group of essays based on information my ears have had to endure over the years. Interesting to say the least!

This idea came to life because lately I’ve wondered if I missed my calling to become a priest, lawyer or therapist. Since complete strangers seem to seek out my ears for free and fill them with all sorts of personal information. Honestly, I don’t know how the professionals do it … I would explode from listening.

Years ago I thought this happened to everyone out in the world, but my assessment was waaaaaaaay off! What I have discovered is that most people don’t stay in the company of crazy long enough to partake in the festivities. So why do I?  Probably because I bore easily and find it somewhat entertaining.

Let me begin by telling you about Mildred (not her real name) who was a longtime patient at the Gynecologist office that I worked at years b5f9c71f10ed15fe4277eb49cfb2129bago. Mildred was a lovely woman, although trapped in the 70’s with her choice of clothing, hairdo, pancake-like makeup and logic when it came down to her vajay-jay. She was from the “I only take it out for baby making and special occasions” era. 

Poor Mildred was constantly coming in for an itching issue down in the nether regions. I am NOT a doctor for many reasons, but the number one reason would be crystal clear in this case. One look at her and I would be blurting “Mildred! For god sakes let that kitty loose!”  This expert advice would trump a prescription for some sort of anti-itching cream in my practice.

Any who … when she came in for this particular follow-up appointment she decided to lean in close to tell me the horror she endured when she returned home from her last visit. I never said a word, she just poured out her soul to my wide open ears.

Apparently Mildred decided to finally let her kitty cat out of its cage that consisted of several layers of synthetic garments such as the following: underwear, a girdle, pantyhose and slacks. Then she laid on her bed naked with the ceiling fan on high … to you know …  “air things out.” Mildred thought that perhaps this would help with the itching. Just imagine a set a wide eyes right about now. 

64c5f121ea0a17f8189bf27ffb21bb97Needless to say this was a shock to her husband, because he made the H U G E mistake of asking “are you waiting for me?” when he entered the room. Poor guy didn’t have a clue that there were reasons, other than his needs, that would cause her to lay on the bed naked with her legs spread eagle. 

Mildred went on to explain that she “couldn’t believe” her husband would think she wanted sex in the afternoon. Afternoon? I couldn’t believe he wanted any part of what must resemble a slab of raw meat at this point. 

This woman just keep going … letting me know that her ceiling fan extravaganza is now part of her daily routine, with one small change that she revealed in a low whisper … I lock the door. 

My hope is that Mildred is going commando under a skirt these days, but something tells me that is not the case and sadly the only thing her husband is mounting is a new ceiling fan.

Enjoy the Ride! 

 

The Truth and Nothing but the Truth

22f3413f964e0d774e694743286a4ddcToday I am here to bitch and complain about a couple that have been driving me absolutely batty for some time now. Please let me introduce you to Politics and Religion. Not that anyone really needs an introduction at this point…they get around.

However, I’m sure you know them by their more popular names such as the Buzz Killers, Room Clearers, Fun Suckers and of course the old school … Party Poopers.

At this point in our lives I think its safe to say that we are all aware of the huge invisible SKULL & CROSSBONES displayed at the entrance to all public gatherings warning us of these two. So, unless you are prepared for a full on debate, that could potentially turn into a scene from the Fight Club, you must heed to the warning and avoid these two like a plague. People are on the brink of cray these days. 

Sadly, thanks to technology, we now have the displeasure of facing these two in the comfort of our own homes. I know when danger-Will-RobinsonI open my dear friend Mac I just want to chill. I do not want to be exposed to a heap of BS opinions about these two, but BAM! they always make an appearance. Unfortunately social media does not come with and arm waving robot screeching … DANGER LISA! DANGER! before logging on.

Honestly, how many hateful misinformed memes or “news” alerts that MUST BE SHARED to spread the misinformed hate across the land can one person endure? Not ONE more!

Don’t get me wrong, I too have had my moments. This fun-loving non confrontational Pisces has been sucked right into the vortex on occasion by … dare I say … responding to the crazy.  I actually blow my own mind at how quickly I switch to Cap Lock and fire away.

It’s so frustrating to suddenly read the “opinion” of a well-educated, normally reasonable person, because it is based on the opinion of some half-truth media source. I think that’s what bugs me most….people have transformed from armchair quarterbacks to polarized parrots over night. 

ed67d87bd7685c9357cbf9a54189d245What the hell happened to waiting for the facts or heaven forbid the truth? I know they always seem to take their good ole time getting to the surface and their black sheep cousin Distorted ALWAYS shows up first reeking so much havoc no one even takes them seriously when they decide to sachet through the door….late as usual, acting like a couple of wallflowers!

I do have a solution to make some big changes, but it sadly doesn’t have a chance in hell of actually happening … even though it’s brilliant.

During my extensive research on this subject, I came to the conclusion that the only legit Truth & Fact tellers on this planet come in the form of a 4-year-olds. An advanced 3-year-old would also do. 

These uninhibited balls of cuteness don’t play around with appropriateness, they go right for the jugular and get away with it with one flash of their dimples. They don’t worry about filtering what comes out of their mouths and they certainly don’t have a care in the world about political correctness. The truth and nothing but the truth.

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I’ll tell you everything you want to know and then some.

They just let the truthful facts and common sense spew from their mouths without an ounce of concern. Let me put it this way … if a 4-year-old tells you you’re fat, chances are that is indeed a truthful fact. They don’t play!

Look at little Nancy Drew over there on the right. She took matters into her own little hands when her Kitty Bank was stolen by her babysitter. She just let the police know the truthful facts and BAM! the crime was solved. Kids are also very good judges of character .. we need to listen to what they have to say. 

“The bad guys stole my kitty bank, they stole my iPod. They also stole my Xbox and my Wii,” the little girl said. “That was really her being bad. She’s not a good babysitter.”

Now take a moment to imagine all the decision-making seats in D.C. filled with 4 year olds. They don’t lie and they have no concept of money! Why no one has made this suggestion before is beyond me. 

I can’t help but laugh as I ponder on all the conversations that may take place during a decision-making session. “Your Bill is dumb!” “No it’s not!””Yes it is!”  “Ok.”  Lord knows they would have these sessions wrapped up before snack time if little Mateo was running the show.

As we celebrate our freedoms today, let’s make a conscious effort to use these privileges wisely and Listen … Listen… Listen as we Enjoy the Ride! 

 

 

 

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