Category Archives: letting go

Caution: Hearts On The Mend



Today started out like any other day. I was up before the crack of dawn, came downstairs and gave Chester who was snoring like a chainsaw a quick “good morning little guy”, turned the coffee pot on and hit the family room. Pretty much the same routine as any given day. Then something happened….I heard Chester crying.

As most of you know from his Blog post the other day Hallelujah! Hot Dogs Heal The Lame Chester has been having some walking issues. Well, those issues turned into much more this morning when he couldn’t use his hind legs. It was painful to see him struggling. He wanted to get out back to do his morning duties, even though he was in pain he was determined. He never went in the house and he wasn’t starting today. 

Our new hardwood floors were not helping his journey to the yard so I gathered all the area rugs we have to make a path to the stairs where I was able to guide him down. Whew! That was an ordeal, but we made it. The next challenge was getting from the bottom of the stairs over to the door. We took numerous breaks, had a couple pep talk and eventually crossed the finish line or threshold, just in the nick of time.

As you can imagine I was very concerned. After some research I discovered he most likely has a back issue, not a leg issue. We got ready, slipped Chester a rophy and headed to the Vet. In our minds we were going for a cortisone shot & medication, but instead we were sent to a hospital for an MRI and possible surgery. What?

Sadly after hearing that he most likely had 3 bulging disks that would require surgery, along with an 8-12 week recovery period with no guarantee of full use, we were left to make the painful decision to let him go on to a place where he can run free and bask in sunbeams all day, while we remain here with all of our wonderful memories to treasure and broken hearts to mend.

I’ll be taking a few days off during the mending, but I’ll be reading to stay occupied. Thank you for all of your kind words about Chester over the past year, they are also included in our memories.

Life can certainly change is a flash so make sure you Enjoy the Ride as much as Chester enjoyed his. I Love You Poppy!

List? There’s a LIST?



I’m seeking some assistance from my brilliant readers. You are all so wise that I’m confident one, if not more, hold the answer to my inquiry.

Is there a time limit, expiration date, deadline or cutoff for receiving calls from your ex-husband’s debt collectors? Seriously!

Last evening I was sitting all comfy cozy reading some of your inspiring literature, when I was interrupted by a phone call that took me completely by surprise. I’m not a fan of surprises.

This is what went down:

Me: Hello?

DC a/k/a Debt Collector:  Can I speak with Mr. Dumb Ass? This is so much more appropriate that the real identity of the ex and frankly it’s MUCH nicer than what I really want to say.

Me: Um, there is no one here by that name. Stunned!

DC: *Insert really nasty tone* Well, do you know where I can find him? Oh, no you didn’t!

Me:  Well, as far as I know he is living in his mommy & daddy’s basement with his third victim wife and one of his spawned seeds. This is a true fact.

DC: Oh, um well you are on THE LIST of contacts so, um eh that’s why I’m calling. List?

Me: *Insert complete freaking crazy*  List? There is a list? Guess what mister … there needs to be a LIST of people to contact before you start handing out money to Mr. Dumb Ass. Put me on the top of THAT freaking list! Look, I’ve been divorced from Mr. Dumb Ass for 25 …Y E A R S and all I can tell you is some things never change! Snap!

DC: *Insert a bunch of stuttering nonsense* I’ll take you off the list.

Me: *Insert ALL of the pent-up emotions I have been dealing with this month* Yes, yes you will be taking me of that list because I should have been taken OFF that LIST once the divorce was final TWENTY-FIVE freaking years ago! Who do you think you are calling MY house with a tone as if I’m in control of this Dumb Ass? You really have a nerve calling anyone with a tone sir…you need to save that tone for the stupid people who gave another stupid person any form of credit. Oh, and just so you know, I can guarantee you that Mr. Dumb Ass most likely owes everyone on your precious LIST money as well, so tell your company to get in FREAKING LINE!  Hello?

DC: Silence……ok, have a good evening…click.

Hey, what up March?

Hey, what up March?

I was so out of control, but I’m not surprised after being on a roller coaster ride of emotions this month. It was just a matter of time before someone reaped the unfortunate benefits. The 28 days of February have been chock-full of ups & downs, so I would say this was certainly an appropriate farewell. Tootles February … it’s been real. 

Once the dust settled I heard a faint, somewhat frightened voice coming from down stairs asking “Are you alright?” At this point there was nothing left to do but laugh so hard I couldn’t even answer. This was no doubt the remainder of emotions detoxing from my body. There is no better feeling than releasing emotional toxins from your body!

I am officially entering March like a Lamb. Now, that’s all I need is a foot massage, four donuts and an orgasm (not necessarily in that order) to really…Enjoy the Ride! 

Don’t Let Me Down


Are you happy now? Next time I’m driving.

Disappointment certainly comes in all shapes and sizes throughout our lives. For me, disappointment is complex, and it usually never travels alone. It’s always out there surrounded by a posse of emotions like anger, hurt, sadness, and probably many others that just like to linger within the group. Emotional groupies … no thanks.

Right now I’m not sure what I should feel. I’ve been surrounded by disappointment and company since July, leaving me in a constant state of emotional uncertainty.

Disappointment is slick. It mastered the skill of hovering over my mind, making its way from front to back in an instant and distorting my usually bright view of the world. I really just want to get back on my unicorn and ride some rainbows. 


WTF? I look like an old man.

How am I suppose to react when someone I know falls from grace? When this happens to the rich and famous like Lance Armstrong or Tiger Woods we are all consumed with hearing the sordid details of their fall. We play judge & jury over coffee, around the water cooler or in the school yard. But, how do we deal with it when it happens to Joe & Jane Ordinary from our own inner circles? Someone just like you or I who decided to make choices that leaves us with that perpetual WTF look on our faces. This is never a good look for more that a few seconds, let alone months.

The story of Jane or Joe isn’t taking precedence on every network on the planet and Lord knows they’re not sitting back pondering “Would it be better to come clean to Oprah, Katie or Dr. Phil?”  They’re most likely just trying to survive the fall. Loosing everything to the average person is much different from loosing endorsements from Nike and Gatorade. Regular folks don’t bounce. 

faf06848e722c88b8f2f216f2ce6a2c4Sometime in December I read a post over at the The Byronic Man that touched on this subject, but it also stirred some serious emotions for me. At the end of his piece he presented a Weekly Question of the Week that certainly made me pause. Who out there – celebrity or scientist, writer or philanthropist – do you just really, really hope never has some image-destroying scandal?  Or even, if they are in fact awful, you’d just rather not know? My answer to this question was Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen’s actions represent my perception of humanity at its best. I could never know that Ellen was really some behind the scenes tyrant who chewed kindness up and spit it out.  I’m sweating just thinking about that possibility..ugh. 

While answering that question, I was thinking about something that was hitting much closer to my ordinary life. There was someone in my life every day for close to 3 years whose recent actions let me down. We worked together, laughed together and cried together as we fought a battle that at times felt like we were we starring in a Lifetime movie. These movies are much better when viewed  from the comfort of your living rooms. 

As with any relationship there are up & downs and we certainly had our share. Saying that our personalities are different would be an understatement, but they balanced perfectly together while we were in the midst of this battle. However, things changed  for me when the dust settled. Back in July, I found out that this person had taken a fall from grace. She managed to commit some of the same acts that we spent 3 years battling. Needless to say disappointment, along with its entourage, hit me like a ton of bricks. I was literally left stunned.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Maya Angelou.

I love that quote by Maya Angelou, but I have a difficult time believing, even when the evidence is obviously clear. Denial is easier than 7502811442_57c92e3656disappointment. I have a habit of giving everyone the benefit of doubt, always believing that they are in fact much better than what they are revealing to the world. I already know I would not fare well on a jury. 

Maya Angelou explains, people know themselves much better than you do. That’s why it’s important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are. Don’t expect and you won’t get hurt…right? 

So here I am almost 7 months later finally ready to accept this disappointment. I recognize that I will continue to be disappointed—that it’s part of life, part of being human. That’s real encouraging isn’t it? Jeez!

I think I’ll start to focus on some happiness for now. Maybe I’ll grab a unicorn, find some rainbows and just … Enjoy the Ride!

We Needed More…

Weekly Writing Challenge: 1,000 Words,Take Two Your challenge this week is to write a post based on this picture:


Last night was amazing! I don’t want this to end; I just want to hold you forever. Honestly, I’ve never done anything like this before…I swear. I know you must find that hard to believe, but it’s true. It was magical. Was it real?  Maybe there was something extra in the wine or maybe it’s just the romance that seems to be oozing through the sidewalks of this damn city. Whatever it is, I know I’m not ready for it to end here on this street. I need more…

I never anticipated that a last-minute decision to take in some sites would lead me to catching your eye from across the room. I was standing in the distance, watching your expression as you absorbed the beauty in the room. I just knew I had to know the person behind those eyes. Your intensity intrigued my curiosity. I needed more…

It’s not like me to be so forward, especially with strangers, but before coming on this trip I made a promise to myself to try something very new … taking risks. I’ve spent so many years regretting my inability to capture moments just like this, I owed it to myself to take a leap of faith, face my fears and accept these unexpected chances. I needed more…

My hands were sweating, my knees were weak and my voice was shaking the closer I got to blurt out that very low-keyed “hey.” When you turned around I never expected that warm inviting smile as you responded with a very enthusiastic “Hey!” Our conversation started slow. You took your time capturing the last drop of beauty on that canvas. I couldn’t blame you; the colors that intertwined throughout the landscape were mesmerizing. As soon as your concentration broke, it was obvious that this piece of art captured your soul. I needed more…

Finally our thoughts were brought back to the present as we cordially introduced ourselves. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to travel across an ocean to meet someone who lived just 4 towns over from my own. I’m traveling alone with no set schedule, while you are taking advantage of studying abroad this semester. Just two people on a journey to escape their limited lives, crossing paths as they head towards their next chapter. I needed more…

Since I’m new to adventures I wasn’t sure how to handle this awkward moment that left us both shifting where we stood in the museum lobby. I took a chance suggesting that we continue this conversation at the corner cafe. I just couldn’t let it end there in that cold lobby; these feelings were worth more than that uncertain goodbye. I needed more…

After what seemed like just minutes in the cafe, we noticed the sun was about to turn in for the night. Our conversation seemed so natural, like two old friends picking up right where they left off so many years before. We never noticed how quickly time had left us. My stomach began giving me a quick reminder that I’ve been ignoring it all day. It was embarrassingly loud, but provided the perfect excuse to keep this conversation going over some dinner. I needed more…

As we sat drinking wine while enjoying the delicacies of this foreign place we remained engrossed in each other’s company. Something was happening, something good. Our hands were touching across the table. Our eyes were having a conversation all of their own and our young hormones were on the brink of exploding. We finished our dessert at record speed, while trying to keep our over-anxious emotions in tact. Check please! I needed more…

Standing out in the cool air didn’t seem to have an impact on our growing anticipation. We continued to hold hands as we tried desperately to suppress the magic that was obviously embracing us like a vice. We continued to walk down the dimly lit street with no destination in mind. Before I knew what was happening, we were through the door, up the stairs and in each other’s arms exchanging our pent-up aggression. I needed more…

Whew there is no greater feeling than releasing years of doubts, fears and uncertainty in a single moment. Exhilarating doesn’t even begin to explain how alive I felt laying in your arms. Our natural bond continued when you shared your photos with me, narrating each page; giving me permission to share your personal journey. I needed more…

We stayed cuddled close under the covers as the sun slowly began to make its way through the crack in the window and my heart began to sink. The morning began to take on a sense of reality that we were dreading. Normalcy began to creep into the bubble we created for ourselves last night. It seemed indestructible just a few hours ago, now it’s taking on the look of a fine piece of china. Coffee was brewing, the shower was running and that moment was getting closer. I needed more…

We sat quietly and slowly sipped our coffee in hopes that time would somehow take the hint; pausing to give us just a few more minutes alone, but the clock continued ticking pushing us closer to that daunting goodbye. The noises from the street broke our silence. We began to gather our things at a snail’s pace, savoring these last few minutes in the bubble. I needed more…

Classes started in an hour and the University was a good 20 minutes away. The Tin Trolly ran on a limited schedule. I had no choice but to catch the earliest one possible if I wanted to make it back to my hostel before I was reported missing. We grabbed our things, headed to door and stepped into reality. I needed more…

Our detour lead us to discovering something we didn’t expect. We needed more…

Embrace the detours and Enjoy the Ride!

Angel Wings

DAILY PROMPT: Ripped From The Headlines

Head to your favorite online news source. Pick an article with a headline that grabs you. Now, write a short story based on the article.

I honestly don’t have a favorite online news source. My favorite way to receive news is via an old fashioned paper, you know where you get to turn pages. But, I do from time to time come across articles that I enjoy online via Facebook. The Onion is news with a twist that never disappoints. However, yesterday was different….

K2621-06I came across this article on the Inquisitor Noah Pozner’s Mom Describes Newtown Victim’s Body, And Why We Should All Listen. Within this article you will also be able to read the original interview by Naomi Zeveloff, which appeared in The Jewish Daily Forward. Ms. Zeveloff interviewed Veronique, the very courageous mother of little Noah. She poignantly describes what she saw when she viewed his body prior to the formal services.

“We all saw how beautiful he was. He had thick, shiny hair, beautiful long eyelashes that rested on his cheeks. He looked like he was sleeping. But the reality of it was under the cloth he had covering his mouth there was no mouth left. His jaw was blown away. I just want people to know the ugliness of it so we don’t talk about it abstractly, like these little angels just went to heaven. No. They were butchered. They were brutalized. And that is what haunts me at night.”

Veronique’s methodical account of what she saw and why she needed to see Noah is raw. It’s personal, honest, horrific and necessary. She personally walks us through our own fears with dignity in this piece. This is not an easy read by any means, but listening to these horrific details is necessary in order for us to fully grasp the extent of harm that can be caused by these assault weapons.

I think Veronique says it best in this statement:

“I owed it to him as his mother, the good, the bad, the ugly … It is not up to me to say I am only going to look at you and deal with you when you are alive, that I am going to block out the reality of what you look like when you are dead. And as a little boy, you have to go in the ground. If I am going to shut my eyes to that I am not his mother. I had to bear it. I had to do it.”

We owe it to ourselves to do the same. Thank you Veronique.

Big Ole Lump of Love

Daily Prompt: Take Two

Run outside. Take a picture of the first thing you see. Run inside. Take a picture of the second thing you see. Write about the connection between these two random objects, people, or scenes.

IMG_0999I for one am not surprised that a Fancy Tree Rat Squirell is the first thing I laid my eyes on when heading outdoors this morning. This little fella is only one of the thousands that seem to be invading our area this year. For some unknown reason we have been inundated with these little creatures in our neighborhood. I’m not really feeling blessed by this at all.

They spend their days running around in circles accomplishing nothing in the processIt’s really annoying to witness. I think I’ve worked with people who were clearly squirrels in another life. They spend their days being busy trying to look busier than everyone else. ADHD x’s 1000 and always an epic fail.


When I came inside this is the first thing I saw. A big ole lump of love a/k/a Chester. Not a care in the world. True bliss with a tail. You won’t see him running in circles for no reason. When Chester does something, he does it with a purpose. If you ever saw him watch a stew cooking you would understand that statement.

He sleeps,walks, eats, sleeps, walks, sleeps again, walks, poops, sleeps again, eats, walks, poops and sleeps until it all starts over again. This little that is being used loosely guy lives a very simple life. There is something to be said about living the life you love.

THE CONNECTION: The behavior of these two animals sends a very clear message, well to me any way. In the end what do we all really long to be? Rich…Famous…Happy. Of course it would be nice to have all three, but if we’re being realistic I’ll go with Happy. Believe me I know having a solid bank account might make things easier, but does it bring you happiness? No. I’ve come across some miserable rich fucks folks in my day. 

So you have a choice, you can either run around in circles chasing that next whatever it may be that you think will make you happy or you can take a good look inside yourself, ask “What really makes me happy?”  Give yourself some good solid answers and apply some energy in that direction. It’s not nearly as difficult as we make it out to be.

Let’s face it, not everyone is born with a sunny disposition, but I think we can all agree that we have the ability to learn how to bring more meaning and satisfaction into our lives. Happiness is contagious…spread some around.

Stop glorifying busy. Slow the hell down. Find your happy and Enjoy the Ride!

Fear and Forbidden Penises

You’re locked in a room with your greatest fear. Describe what’s in the room.

This is such an interesting question, but I would have to break it down into different parts of life in order to grasp the depth for my response. Lord knows the fears have changed over the years.

As a little kid I had a fear of the Dentist. This would most likely be due to the fact my mother told me we were going to the Grand Opening of the Acme, but some how I found myself being put to sleep only to wake up with bloody gauze in my mouth. Surprisingly this did not lead into the fear of supermarkets…interesting fact. 

When I was 10 I remember being afraid that my father was going to die. I had just been informed that he was older than my best friend’s grandmother. In my 10 year old mind he was now ancient and it was just a matter of time before he was gone. 21 years later folks, 21 YEARS. 

I remember being afraid of being possessed like Linda Blair in the Exorcist for a while back in my pre-teen days. I snuck into this wonderful film at the age of 12, which seemed like a great idea at the time. I moved my entire mattress into my parents room and slept there for 3 weeks. Maybe longer, who’s counting?

I always had a fear of public speaking, well ever since 5th grade anyway. Sister Geraldine felt the need to embarrass me to the point of silencing my every thought. I broke this fear when I had to fight for the rights of my children. Never underestimate the power of a mother.

Then there was the fear of being pregnant that lasted well into my early twenties and resurfaced up until the day the tubes were tied for good. After 12 years of Catholic school I was convinced that the thought of penis would land me into the nearest maternity ward. FYI: Forbidding penises just made everyone want one even more. Well, maybe not everyone.

Next up would be the fear of finding true love. There was so much hype about getting married that this fear left me with settling for someone who was not a good match. The silver lining is that the entire experience showed me what I didn’t want in my life, but learning the lesson was a drag. 

In my late 20’s I was hit with the fear of not being able to get pregnant. Life is hilarious isn’t it? 6 miscarriages later I had my daughter. My son followed 2 years later and to this day I have no recollection of that conception.

Now, being a parent brought on fears that never even crossed my mind. They start from the second your child is born, to the end of time. There are too many to list, but I’m sure all the parents out there know exactly what I’m trying to express.

With marriage, houses & kids come all those every day fears of survival. I would consider these the necessity fears. Fear of having enough food, fear of being able to make a mortgage know all that fun stuff.

Of course, I have always had the normal fear of things like roller coasters, heights, someone following me up the basement steps and serial killers. These are embedded in my core. 

Now, back to the question at hand. My answer in this very moment would be … drum roll please…

The room would be stark white and empty except for me. My deepest fear at this stage of my life is Fear of the Unknown. This is more prevalent due to the obvious fact I’m getting older. The unknown use to be exciting and filled with joyful anticipation, now it’s just filled with worry. I’m doing my best to slay this demon by living in the moment…so far so good, but it’s not easy. 

Take life one day at a time and Enjoy the Ride!


Daily Prompt: Lonely Lust

What’s the most time you’ve ever spent apart from your favorite person?

Well, my favorite person is my husband and the most time spent apart was 7 days. Yes, 7 long lonely days. The thing you need to understand is that for years my husband had a job that required him to start at some god forsaken hour, leaving him to return early in the day. This provided us an opportunity to spend an unusual amount of time together, which we enjoyed as a couple and a family. Eventually all good things must come to an end.

A few years back the hubby’s body gave him a heads-up that it really wasn’t willing to continue taking the daily beatings anymore. This was followed by a very serious ultimatum “it’s the job or me.” So,when opportunity knocked, he answered. The only downfall to the new career were the mandatory trainings throughout the year that required time away from home. The perks far outweighed this minor inconvenience, so he signed on the dotted line. This fact is true right up until that point when you are actually inconvenienced, then it’s a pain in the ass.

I can’t even explain the ache when he was getting ready for his first 7-day training trip. Let’s just say one might assume he was going to moon, not Indiana. As you already guessed by now yes, I SURVIVED.

The best part of the entire separation was the anticipation for his return. I could just about contain my excitement ! It was equivalent to Christmas morning for a 6-year-old. I arrived at the airport early, which left me with the added pleasure of circling a million times while burning a half a tank of gas and no doubt looking very suspicious to the authorities. The unusually large grin on my face probably didn’t help the suspected crazy.

Finally, I got the call “the Eagle has landed.” Woo Hoo! I circled one last time, picked-up my man and headed home sweet home. Remember that anticipation I mentioned earlier? Well it exploded right there in the car and we were suddenly like two hormone induced teenagers. The trip was not nearly as long as that drive home! 

The universe was working in our favor that day. The kids were at school, the dog was snoring and well, I think I’ll let my man Marvin Gaye end this story. Sometimes a little alone time does the heart & soul good! Enjoy the Ride!

This Girl Is On Fire

137711701075362310_S55hglJb_cAs 2012 heads out the door and the welcome wagon arrives with 2013 in tow, I can’t help but be reminded of how much I loathe the impending countdown to midnight. This goes way back to my childhood.  Also known as the “olden days” around these parts.

Over the years I remember staying up way past our bedtime filled with excitement. The anticipation would build up all day as we waited for midnight to arrive. Midnight sounded so forbidden. 

There was all sorts of hoopla surrounded with running outside to bang our pots & pans to ring in the new year. For god sakes we would argue over who would be banging the spaghetti pot…that just sounded a little dirty. Any who, I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t the big fat let down that I got. Whomp..whomp.

I just never felt at ease cheering on as the new year made its grand entrance. Oh sure article-2254718-16ACB1C0000005DC-166_470x610there were years of kissing strangers at the stroke of 12 and chugging down champagne in celebration of all things new, but in the end New Years has always left me with a sadness of sorts, even before hearing the dreaded sounds of Auld Lang Syne. Too much champagne, a sad song and kissing strangers only leads to a good time you won’t remember.

Now that this celebration has turned into a full-blown fight to keep my eyes open until midnight, I must ask myself “Why do I even bother?”

Always the optimist am I’m holding out for something other than gloom and doom? Maybe. Is it going to happen? No, because repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting a different result is INSANITY. The insanity stops right here on the peak of 2012/2013!

Remember the Seinfeld episode when George realizes every decision he has ever made in his life is wrong so he decides to do the complete opposite? Well, that is what I have decided to do, starting with New Years Eve. Tonight when I’m tired, oh I am going to sleep..that’s right!

George Costanza was right when he said “I use to sit here and do nothing and regret it for the rest of the day so now I will do the opposite and do something!” Sounds like a plan to me George.

Soooo, tomorrow when I just want to lay around, I’m getting up to do something. Living the Slug Life is over! Cookies will be replaced 633784_7528934_lzwith fruit and vegetables, sitting will turn into walking and walking will eventually turn into running walking faster. Mwahahahaha the possibilities are endless! 

Black will be white, solids will be prints, sneakers will be stilettos sensible flats Note: this is only due to my large feet that already have me shopping in the “special” section at the far corner of the store with the Drag Queens. 

When my daughter says “I’m going out with insert ex-boyfriends name” I will happy-dog-forced-smile-freaky-1303555329nsmile and wish them a pleasant evening. Smile as in forced, followed by a very high-pitched “have a good time kids.” Baby steps people, baby steps. When my son approaches me with his famous mom, don’t freak out like you always do, BUT.” I won’t freak-out! I‘ll force my eyeballs to remain in my head while severing my tongue as I quietly watch his mouth move and my hair quickly turns to a fashionable shade of white. 

I always knew Seinfeld was a smart well written piece of work, but who knew the answers to all of my problems were hidden right there in an episode about opposites? I guess I just wasn’t ready to hear that message during the first thousand times it aired. Better late than never folks, better late than never.

Cheers to 2013! I hope I am sleeping soundly when you arrive with your entourage of bells & whistles tonight, so I can wake up tomorrow fresh as a daisy ready to live my opposite life. This girl is on fire! 

Adios 2012 it’s been real! 

2013 is coming fast so let’s get ready to Enjoy the Ride!

Best Wishes for a Happy, Healthy & Prosperous New Year Friends! 

Regaining Sight

131378514099412954_fEDn93AT_cWell it’s official my case has been closed. I received the letter yesterday from my therapist that my file had been closed, but I would be welcomed back if I need services. Doesn’t the BUT get you every time? You’re not a loon right now, but you certainly have the potential for future lunacy.

Since I received the letter, I can’t help but think about all I’ve learned about myself over those 3 years. One of the biggest obstacles I overcame was feeling inadequate. This ran deep.

I spent my crucial formative years in the shadow of my sister. Some years were more like an eclipse, but we don’t need to get into details. My sister and I are very close in age, at only 15 months apart, which provided plenty of opportunity for comparisons. She was smart I had commonsense. She had confidence I needed approval. The list goes on, but I’m sure you get the idea.

Confidence: the quality or state of being certain :certitude <they had every confidence of success.

Of course I could dwell on the fact that it took me 40 plus years topcgoldmineWhen_will_ghosts_learn_to_use_computers_copy open my eyes, but what good would that do me. I have to accept that I wasn’t ready, or willing until recently to regain my sight. No regrets, just following the master plan. Now that I can see, it’s time to move on with the knowledge and understanding of what I learned from this journey. Oh, what a journey it was….

All of this insanity started to surface when my sister told me she had a reading with a Median. Apparently my dad came through during the reading giving her praise for what she had done with her life…a pat on the back from the spirit world. Needless to say the ghostly compliments pushed me over the edge. I didn’t get any praise in the real world and she is getting them from the efing grave!  I’m sure you can all understand how that might annoy someone with insecurity issues. The tears started, but this time they wouldn’t stop…Houston, we have a problem.

After many conversations, tears & laughter with my therapist I was able to recognize some very important traits about yours truly. Some good, some bad, but all me.

First things first: Children do not come with instruction manuals. For generations parents have been doing the best they can with the knowledge they have on hand, along with some instincts. In this case none. My mother was an orphan raised without role models and my father was raised by his mother, however was on his own at a young age. A perfect union of the blind leading the blind. Lesson: Don’t waste time pointing fingers at your parents, you’ll never move forward. Learn to understand and accept the circumstances surrounding the bigger picture. The whys’ are not important, they will just continue to hold you in the past. 

Be original

Powerful beyond Measure

Second: My sister was already the “smart” one placed high up on a pedestal at home, leaving me at the base. So that good old-fashioned Catholic school education provided a generous amount of reinforcement for my insecurities.The constant comparisons, along with a heaping side of humiliation became the pillars for my issues. Lesson: If you’re not happy being in the shadow, step out and see what the light has to offer. I guarantee you’ll be happier in your own light.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. Marianne Williamson

Third: I spent YEARS focused on the wonderful labels that were placed on my sister, without recognizing my own. Labels are sticky do not apply onto people. While I was trying to live up to her labels, I was living down to my own. I was the quiet, nice, dependable one with a big heart. Not too shabby, right?  My need to be something I wasn’t brought out the worst in my good qualities. This caused me to be more of a doormat wall-to-wall carpet or an extreme pleaser. Lesson: Don’t waste time resenting what you’re not. Enhance your strengths, embrace your weaknesses and never be ashamed of who you are.

2603712254306951_LdPDqA7c_bFourth:  I always thought life was good up there on the pedestal. I imagined there must be rainbows, unicorns and butterflies just waiting to blow glitter on my sister every day. Who wouldn’t be jealous? What I didn’t see were the pressures to meet those high standards that were so generously distributed. Lesson: The pedestal is big enough for everyone. Never be afraid to use your talents. Live your life being as marvelous as God intended you to be and never dull your sparkle for someone else.

Fifth: Holding on, whether it’s anger or hurt is not healthy. Considering my extreme need to forgiveness-300x199please I had a debilitating habit of remaining silent, never confronting, never resolving and never trusting. So, who’s up for a big glass of poison?  Taking a long hard look at my past hurt wasn’t easy. But, doing it in a setting that allowed me to express myself constructively, understand it compassionately and recognize the role I played in each situation, I was able to let go. Lesson: Forgiveness and Letting Go are your best friends. They are a wonderful couple that always bring along freedom and well-being to hang out. This doesn’t mean you will forget the hurt, it means you now have the power to look back without that triple threat of bitterness, resentment and anger preventing happiness in its tracks.

Life is better, but I still consider myself a work in progress who is still learning while she does her best to Enjoy the Ride!

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