Category Archives: people

Please, Call Me Gretel

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Mom! The helmet is a little over the top.

As a parent watching shows such as Law & Order SVU and Criminal Minds take me to another level of worry. My already over active imagination suddenly kicks into high gear if my children are 5 minutes late. Hell, just watching the local news can scare the crap of you these days.

Needless to say my kiddies think I’m some sort of crazy woman for wasting an ounce of time being concerned about their safety … “Mom, I’m fine stop” and “OMG Mom just put me in bubble wrap!” Hmm…bubble wrap.

The parents of yesteryear, such as my own, may have had their concerns, but they weren’t even close to this level. Columbo and Kojack kept fear to a minimum. Things were just different I guess.

I certainly don’t recall endless lectures about “stranger danger”,  however I do remember walking home with my friend and being summoned over to a car by a man asking for “directions”, only to have the displeasure of viewing a little one on one loving … if you know what I mean.  Oddly enough I wasn’t scared. Grossed out yes, scared no. Today this story would have been on the 6 o’clock news, but back then I’m not even sure if we told our parents.

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There she is working that Fudgesicle like no bodies business.

Thinking back it seems perverts were actually all around us, including behind the wheel of the Good Humor truck. You may never think of a Rocket Pop in the same way again…read on. My sister, who was giving Dolly Parton a run for her money by age twelve, was presented with an interesting proposition by the one and only Good Humor guy. That’s all she had to do was jump rope for him and she could have FREE ice-cream. Were we running away in fear? HELL NO! She was happily jumping away for her free goodies as me and the rest of the stick figures stood in the distance green with envy. The thought that there was something wrong with this request never even entered our naive little minds. 

One, such as my daughter, may say that this naivety is still going strong within me. Her theory, after a few Sociology classes, is that I am so worried about her and her brother because in reality I would be the one getting into the van in search of that imaginary puppy. She may actually be on to something … don’t tell her I said that. 

imagesJust a couple of months ago my daughter and I were taking Peanut for his evening walk. Now, when I’m out I tend to greet people, however my daughter tends to be … well … a mannequin. I know! We are complete opposites. So, on this particular evening there was an unusual amount of people out enjoying the weather. Jackpot for this social butterfly, not so much for the mannequin. 

A few blocks from home I stopped to admire a beautiful garden. The design was spectacular. You could just tell a tremendous amount of love went into to tending to the needs of this foliage. I do not have a green thumb, so this was indeed impressive. Just as I was trying to bring a potted mix to the attention of my mannequin daughter, the owner appeared. She was elderly with a very heavy German accent. At this point my daughter was most likely Tweeting away #socialbutterflymom #annoying. 

As I was professing my love for her talents, she began picking a few springs from the potted mix explaining that they were herbs. My eyes were the size of saucers! She was insisting that I smell them, which I did without an ounce of question. Of course, not to be rude I offered my daughter a sniff as well. #Idon’ttakeherbsfromstrangers #mymomisgretel.

Needless to say I stood there sniffing away for lord knows how long as I was no doubt being slammed all over Social Media.

I can't lie...I would be all over this.

I can’t lie…I would be all over this.

We said our goodbyes and I was handed a roadie of herbs as a parting gift. I immediately began lecturing my daughter on her lack of socialization when she informed me I would talk to a stick if it had a face. I wouldn’t go that far … well maybe. 

We were walking along as I happily continued to ingest the aroma of my little bundle when suddenly I found myself slammed against a parked car, before I hit the ground. I become very dizzy. Well guess who suddenly came to life as I was laying on the ground like a porpoise? The mannequin!

There I was with my knees scraped, still holding onto my herb roadie in shock when I hear these comforting words being screamed at me … “Mom! OMG, this is what you get for taking things from strangers! You are the only one in our family who would get in a car filled with duct tape and knives!  I couldn’t deny she was right in her conclusion, but I certainly wasn’t about to reveal that I would most likely be suggesting a quick stop at Home Depot to my abductor. You know for the rope and tarp he forgot to pick up. 

420d1ed120785f3a949df543a86f5ac1In the end I was fine and we got a good laugh out of it all. I can not deny that if I miraculously came upon a house made of sweets I would be chowing down on a chocolate shingle without a care in the world. I tend to see the good, not the oven large enough to fit a human. Enjoy the Ride!

We, Us & Our

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I think it’s safe to say that democracy is a work in progress. So, as we celebrate the 4th of July, let’s really get this party started shall we.  A true celebration means recommitting ourselves to the work that needs doing if we want democracy to survive and thrive. This excludes just sitting in the house and “liking” a democracy page on Facebook. We have a responsibility to be accountable to everyone around us…The Common Good.

We spend so much of our time divided these days, defining ourselves by our “side” that we forget something very important and frankly it’s in grave danger: We’re all in this together! Sound familiar? That’s right, it’s because you’ve heard this many times before in a wonderful document that seems to be getting some attention these days … The Constitution. 

We the People  of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. Everything after this sentence is just sugar on that big ole piece of pie.

So, today as we celebrate our Independence, let’s try to re-think how we start tomorrow. I’m suggesting an Interdependence way of thinking for the rest of the year. I love my freedom, but I’m also a big believer in collaboration. A small group of thoughtful people could change the world; indeed it’s the only thing that ever has. Margaret Mead.

I know for me, in my personal life, I wouldn’t be where I am today without all those helping hands along the way who took the time to invest in my wellbeing. There were many times when energy and love were thrown onto my path to push me along.

Of course we would all love to take credit for our achievements, but let’s face it … it was a communal effort. We tend to forget that many of our opportunities came from the hard work of the generations before us who cared enough about our future to invest in the common good. Where would we be without it? 

Let’s celebrate our Independence and our Interdependence today by being free from our hatred, fears and differences. These are the real freedoms that lay out a strong foundation for our future. Now, I’m not going to lie, I will have to remember this when my beer induced, wanna be pyrotechnic neighbor starts setting off fireworks from his weather-beaten, one spark short of an inferno deck this evening. I NEVER SAID IT WAS GOING TO BE EASY…nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re gathered around embracing your freedom with friends & family or just enjoying an extra day away from the salt mines work place, you can take a moment to focus on the similarities of your surroundings. Hey look we both breathe air Omg! we have so much in common. We have to start somewhere now…rightEnjoy the Ride! 

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Summer, Summer, Summertime

 

It’s finally here in all it’s glory…WHOOT!  

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Grab a friend and hit the beach.

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Be a BadAss in a tutu…you only live once.

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Do what you love, love what you do.

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Let your inner child run wild.

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Try something new. (These ladies set the bar pretty high)

Vintage Snapshots of Summer Fun on the Beach (16)

Summer isn’t going to last forever, so hang on tight and Enjoy the Ride! 

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Stay Awake

tumblr_mctl04mveM1rabieto1_400People never cease to amaze me! Just when I thought it was safe to be line at the grocery store, something changed. Little did I know that someone, most likely the Fox network, must be dispensing portable soap boxes to their loyal listeners. This is what I’m going with since I have no other answer.

Hey, I am a huge fan of Free Speech, but for the love of God I can not tolerate when it is abused. Why on earth would a complete stranger feel that a hateful political rant would be a good way to strike up a conversation with ME of all people on this planet? guess the days of “hey baby what’s your sign?” are long gone. 

There I was minding my own business in the check-out line, reading the headlines on all the rag magazines, catching up on all the Kardashian bull shit news, when out of nowhere this person decided to egg me on while he ranted over everything under the sun. Maybe my peace sign bracelet set him off…who knows.

Well, that’s all I can say is THANK GOODNESS I’ve been graced with the gift of having my face come8a83b3cdb5d142b58ffcf58f0c7d9487 up with a quick response long before my mouth has a chance. Sometimes this can be a curse, but not this time. 

I have no idea what my face said, but I can only imagine it was something like “WOW!” or “Shut up you bigoted ass!” or perhaps both since I was then referred to as “one of them” shortly after my face had spoken.

There really were no words to respond, well I did think of two, but I wasn’t going that low. One would think that having a 5′ 9″ cricket as his only audience member would make him stop.

34f61adfcaba647773cb17bf7c5b7071Oh, this guy had all the answers. He was explaining everything that should be getting done “down there in Washington” and everything that would be getting done if “all the idiots” didn’t come out to vote. Can you feel my pain?

At this point I began chanting the ole “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” lecture in my head for sanity purposes. I’ll be honest, after the 3rd time there were F-bombs tossed in to keep me out of jail.

I stood in silence wondering what would happen if this guy spent a quarter of his energy actually contributing to something good instead of spreading his relentless mouth farts all over the place. Hmm, maybe … just maybe, it would loosen that padlock on his mind. 

Since that didn’t seem to be happening any time soon, I continued to silently ingest his gases while loading my groceries at the speed of light. As if food shopping wasn’t enough to suck the life out of me…seriously. 

“All of us wish at times that we lived in a more tranquil world, but we don’t. And if our times are difficult and perplexing, so are they challenging and filled with opportunity.” Robert Kennedy

As you can imagine this left me with a huge social hangover by the time I got home. You know that wonderful feeling you get when you’re around exhausting people for a long period of time. It was going to take something much stronger than CALGON to take me away from this one!

I decided that the toxic remnants of this encounter had to leave before they did any more damage so I went out on my deck, flopped onto my swing and turned on some tunes. I was swinging in the silence when out of nowhere BAM! Teddy Pendergast saved the day. Thank you higher power, thank you very much!

I’m glad I didn’t waste my words on someone who didn’t deserve to hear my voice. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all. Stay awake and Enjoy the Ride! 

It Takes A Village

40287e1f937375987a5fa49d71cce72eDaily Prompt: Helping Hand

Tell us about the most surprising helping hand you’ve ever received.

Helping hands have shown up in my life recently and just in the nick of time if I do say so myself.  That’s right humanity came strolling in, fashionably late of course, complete with party horns & confetti to join in on all the festivities. Was I “surprised”? Not really because that’s how humanity rolls.

Considering the level of activity around these parts over the past few months, it wasn’t  too shocking to anyone that my emotions decided to go into a full-blown tailspin, but the timing couldn’t have been worse. Now that was a big fat ssurprise!

Believe me when I tell you I admire the complexity of the human brain, but there are times when I really wish it had an “off” switch. Perhaps it could have been installed when I became a mother. God obviously missed the memo on “When Women Worry”, along with the follow-up memo When Mothers Worry … A Whole Other Story,” otherwise he would have included the switch. He was probably off creating a giraffe or something so I’ll let him slide, since giraffes are so badass.

I was at the point of going from mole hill to mountain in one second flat, which is what can happen when your creative juices 44dfffbc16181b21312f1da189ce787fdecide to collaborate with your fears. These 2 should never hook up … ever. Unfortunately for me they were in an on and off relationship since September, but decided to take it to another level in February and by the end of March they were nothing short of hot & heavy. Such sluts!

So, on that particular Thursday when I pulled into the parking lot at work, I could not believe what suddenly began to unfold. One minute I’m laughing along with the morning Dj’s and the next my heart is pounding out of my chest. My imagination and fears decided to get it on right there in the parking lot! 

Somehow I managed to get out of the car and right into my first set of helping hands. Lord knows I must have appeared completely crazy, but in the moment I was more concerned about dying and much less concerned about first impressions. This stranger walked me to my office, assured me I was “ok” and wrapped those helping hands around me with a supporting hug before closing the door. Suddenly I was alone with the dynamic duo again…this was not good.

Next set of helping hands to show up was my boss. Oh, yes you did read that correctly. By the time he arrived on the scene, not only was my heart pounding out of my chest, but the tears were uncontrollable. He assured me I was NOT having a heart attack, but what did he know? … he’s only a DOCTOR for god sakes!  My brain was already claiming victory over this battle!

8a855a94a51099881c9a3fc60a0e3f64Just as I was about to wave my white flag and let my brain wear the crown some helping hands joined forces. My friend/co-worker arrived and knew exactly what to do. Honestly, the only thing missing was her white horse. She held my hand and walked me down to the office of my family doctor while reinforcing the fact that I was NOT having a heart attack. Um, I still wasn’t believing it.

Her helping hands had a magnetic force that attracted more hands into my circle of need, while never loosening her grip on mine. The girls at the desk, the medical assistant and the nurse practitioner all worked together with my friend to ensure me that I would come from behind and start kicking some crazy ass very soon. It really does take a village people. 

By the time this all ended I was whipped! My brain is pretty freaking tough, but my spirit is much tougher thanks to all those helping hands. They helped me to get back on the road to Enjoy the Ride! 

Top of the Morning to Ya!

It's about time Dawn!

It’s about time Dawn!

Since Peanut a/k/a “P” or “P-Diddy has arrived I have been taking full advantage of his energy. I’m starting to believe that he is an Energizer Bunny/Tasmanian Devil mix a/k/a an Enertaz and not a Maltipoo as we originally thought. Yes, I am jealous.

Since we are both up at the crack of dawn Since we are both nudging Dawn to get her ass up, I’ve decided to take advantage of our time together by walking. For months I’ve been wearing a pedometer to count my steps each day as a motivator, but it wasn’t working and I was becoming very discouraged by my low numbers at the end of the each day. Apparently I should have purchased a Sloth meter if I wanted “results.”

Come on Lisa, you're not going to melt.

Come on Lisa, you’re not going to melt.

I’m happy to announce that my numbers have tripled in the 3 weeks since P and I have started our routine. My highest number so far has been slightly over 16,000, which is 8 miles in one day. The Sloth has left the building … feel free to hoot and holla. 

We head out around 5:30 (yes in the morning) and I must say there is something invigorating about witnessing my neighborhood coming alive in the morning. I feel like I’m intruding. This is especially true on the weekends when even the birds are sleeping in after a long week of chirping. Sadly this early bird is incapable of doing that … even on the weekend.

One thing I know for sure is that all this stillness has certainly opened my eyes and ears a little wider to my surroundings, which just expands my imagination to another level. So far I have made myself laugh out loud and scared myself half to death. Here is a sampling of my week.

1. Every morning I see a young blonde haired woman who is always sporting bright pink from head to toe like the human version of Estee Lauder’s “Simply Pink” lipstick. I have no doubt that her ensemble was pulled right from her little Barbie Dream House closet. I couldn’t help but worry that she may just fade away if she continues to run at this level.

This does not mean GO!

This does not mean GO!

2. I live in a very blue-collar neighborhood, so it’s no surprise at the number of pick-up trucks I see heading out in the wee hours, however I also noticed something else about people who head to work early … they do not seem to stop at stop signs … EVER. Come on people at least throw me a break light and a damn roll! I guess I’ll have to assume that Ford has come up with a windshield that only recognizes the word STOP after 6 a.m.

3. One of my favorite observations to date are the people on the bus stop. There is usually a group of miserable faced teenagers heading to school and an older group of miserable faced people heading to work. No one is talking or acknowledging that anyone else actually exists. I look on hoping that one day they’ll all break out into a badass version of Sweet Child Of Mine.

4. Does anyone out there remember the good ole paper boy from a life time ago? You know, that little freckled-faced kid who rode his bike up and down the streets to deliver your paper … TO YOUR DOOR. Those days are long gone around here. Every single day I watch an overweight guy in a beat-up mini van looking like a pedophile driving down the street, while throwing the papers out of the window. Seriously? Ugh, it drives me so crazy I find myself finishing his job and tossing the papers up to the porch!

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The Walnuts of the world have been WARNED!

5.  I could probably write a short novel just on the horrors of decorating choices that I’ve witnessed, but honestly “ain’t nobody got time for dat!”  But I couldn’t let you miss out on all the fun, so I selected one of the strangest encounters.  NOTE: This house is not near my home … I would have to move. 

I tried very hard to justify why there would be Nutcrackers on display in May. Yes, there was more than one, but I was afraid to film the entire army. At first I thought that maybe someone was sick and they didn’t have time to remove them, but then I noticed freshly planted flowers, so that was out. I went from benefit of the doubt to insanity in 2 seconds flat.

Well, if it’s not an illness, it must be he works of a serial killer. Obviously, some freak who had a bad experience with a nutcracker now surrounds himself with fresh blocks of wood as he waits to whittle the faces of his victims onto his growing army of nutcrackers. Oh yeaI actually scared myself on that one! Apparently I have watched one too many episodes of Criminal Minds.

Enjoy the Ride … even if you’re walking!

Chirp Chirp

Daily Prompt: Early bird, or night owl?

313f44f5fb2f79fe7a894944c4c2e51cIt’s so funny that this subject should come up today, because I was just thinking about it this morning…when I was being my bright-eyed bushy-tailed self. As most of you know we have a new addition to our family, Peanut the Maltipoo.  I bring this to your attention because he was reason for my early bird thought this morning. Peanut and I are the first to get up in the house, which is great since we both seem to leave our beds with the same attitude … wide awake and ready to go. 

I don’t require coffee or anything else for that matter to “wake-up.” No alarm clock or wake-up call for this girl. If my eyes are open, I am awake and little Peanut is the same way.

He jumps out of bed with vigor, runs like lightning down the steps, grabs a squeaky toy and is ready to play. Minus the squeaky toy, that’s pretty much my routine as well. 08f2101ff4e7729da163fecc94f68c46

This stems back to my childhood when my father would bellow up the stairs “Hey! Are you going
to sleep your lives aways up there? I’ve been up with the chickens.” Um, number one it was 6 a.m. and number 2 I never saw a chicken around the house.”  This was bellowed almost every day of my young life and before I knew it I was up feeding those invisible chickens too!

Thank goodness I married another early bird, which produced 2 more early risers to the flock…actually 3 if you count Peanut, because if I’ve learned anything in this world, it’s that non-early birds really don’t quite get our perkiness. They don’t care to talk or even mumble for that matter until the sun is up and rolling for at least 4 hours. Hint: If you’re going on vacation with other people a pre-screening is highly recommended. 

hBAAC9D82Doing my research for this little piece I’ve come to learn that the early birds really are a minority. I’ve seen hateful t-shirts, coffee mugs (how ironic), bumper stickers and last but not least an endless array of memes filled with death threats from the non-morning crew. There were some stooping as low as using babies and kittens to spread their evil messages.  

Another road traveled by the non-morning crew is the mother of all mornings. Yep, you guessed it MONDAY. Whew, you want to talk about a bad wrap, this is it.

Who cares that it’s Monday? Honestly, if Monday weren’t Monday than the baton would be 167571_1616176568999_5619725_npassed onto Tuesday. The party has to get started at some point..whether we like it or not so make the most of it.

I’m an Early Bird, always have been and probably always will be. I guess I will continue to get the worm while those Night Owls get the tequila. If we were all the same the world be so droll. 

It doesn’t matter if it’s sun up or sun down as long as you … Enjoy the Ride!

I’ll Have Rainbow Tears To Go Please

d2a2e5e58030d7bca98165af11eab10bI have been very sad for the last few days while my heart is still on the mend after the loss of our beloved dog Chester. The continuous crying has left me looking like an Iguana, which is not a very good look. Bulging puffy eyes should never be allowed outside of the world of reptiles. However, over the past week I have had the pleasure of discovering something very important about tears…they are necessary and they come in different flavors. Let me explain…

This week we had two patients come in together right after lunch. One was a long existing pain in the ass  patient and the other, her evil bitch sister, who was there for the first time. Right out of the gate she was a bitch and it just kept on coming. Whew! My back is to the desk, so I couldn’t see her at first, I just had the displeasure of feeling the flames coming from her mouth. Well, let’s just say she was as ugly as her disposition. Ugly, mean and demanding….a triple threat. 

My dear friend and co-worker always gets me going with her anger…is it wrong to enjoy watching someone on the verge of a a66ceb2baf4528c0e61947d463a62327killing spree? I can’t help myself she’s hilarious in this state so I tend to…you know…egg her on. There she was, right in the line of fire with these 2 witches…literally on the verge of jumping the counter, when the PITA (pain in the ass) approached for assistance with her cell phone as if she were at the AT&T store. She had no clue how lucky she was at this point that she was still alive.

Well, let’s just say she may not have been so lucky during Round 2 when she approached the desk screeching “my phone keeps talking make it stop”  and waving her phone right into the face of her soon to be murderer. I did what any good co-worker would do … jumped up, took the bullet and prevented a jail term. Lord knows it would have been justifiable homicide.

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I have to admit, as aggravating as they Toxic Twins were, they did provide us with something that we ALL needed at the time….a good old-fashioned belly laugh…at their expense of course. 

Years ago we decided to create invitations a/k/a coping mechanisms for some of these unruly patients. Ironically, last week I accidentally came across the one for our imaginary Hay Ride. Talk about good timing!  Who knew that just the thought of these 2 sporting flammable outfits to a bon-fire could bring such … well … JOY.

The gray gloomy Tears of sorrow were replaced by a shiny set of rainbow Tears, leaving us all with a healthy glow, replenished souls and crossed legs. Laughter truly is the best medicine.

Recognize the silver linings and continue to Enjoy the Ride! 

Can’t Get Enough of Your Love

Daily Prompt: Seconds!

Describe the most satisfying meal you’ve ever eaten in glorious detail. 

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You little sexy beast you…

I wouldn’t necessarily say this is the best meal I’ve ever had, but it certainly meets all the necessary requirements to justify it as most satisfying along with most consecutively consumed. We are going to have to take a trip back in time to the Fall of 1978 when I not only entered my Freshman year of high school, I entered the cafeteria and met my new love….The Hot Cheese Sandwich.

My sister was 2 years ahead of me in high school, so I was aware that the Hot Cheese was somewhat of a celebrity on campus, but nothing could compare to meeting this oozy, gooey bundle of love in person. It was indeed love at first bite!

I entered the cafeteria for the first time and immediately noticed the tinfoil tower of tantalizing bundles luring me right into their aluminum bed. I approached with caution, trying my best to contain my excitement. Desperation is never attractive.

As I got closer to the tower my heart began to beat just a little faster. I couldn’t help but notice that these little bundles were even better looking up close. They were basking under the enormous red lightbulb that was keeping them hot, as if they needed any help in that department, patiently waiting to be consumed.

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Can’t Get Enough of Your Love Babe

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I grabbed my glistening little jewel and headed back to the table where I could have my way with it. I decided to take things slow by keeping my inner cheese slut at bay. After all it was only our first date. Just as I began to gently peel back the foil, I captured a glimpse of the magnificent mound of gooey goodness that lied beneath the lightly toasted Kaiser roll. I’m not positive, but I think Barry White was playing in the background…or maybe that was just in my head.

I took one bite and thought “where have you been all of my life you lusty, luscious, lip-smacking lump of velvety goodness?” We certainly didn’t waste a minute hooking-up almost every day for the next 2 years. Why not 3 you ask? Senior year I had the pleasure of having lunch as my last class and made the painful decision to end our relationship so I could go HOME.

No worries, I reassured Hot Cheese that there will always be a special place in my heart…no doubt in my arteries … forever. Enjoy the Ride! 

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