Tag Archives: Funny

No Questions Asked

1aew9yI recently ran late for work, which is very out of character for this early bird. Of course, it had nothing to do with me. Nope, I have to blame it on the dog. The ole “the dog ate my homework” just reached a new level.

Every day before I leave for the salt mines I take my love bugs for a walk. They are well aware of this routine and are normally waiting on me. This particular morning Peanut was suddenly MIA. As I was calling him I could actually hear the panic in my voice. Pets are not spared from my zero to catastrophic reasoning.

I ran up the steps expecting to find a four-legged comatose dog, but instead, I found a stuffed Ladybug smoking a cigarette in the hallway. (not really we don’t allow smoking in the house) and Pee Wee paralyzed by an erection in the bedroom! (erections are always welcome, except in this moment) Oh yes, this was happening. 

Look, if you’re going to be late, I’m certain the line “I’m sorry I’m late I had to wait for my dogs erection to recede in order to take him out for his morning poop” will not only work, it just may go down in infamy at work places across the land. No questions asked.

My first jaw-dropping excuse came from Jackie, a young girl from the hood, who I had the pleasure of knowing early on in my working career. She called out one morning with this gem. “I won’t be in today, my boyfriend dropped his gun on my foot and I can’t walk.” It’s solidly shocking enough not to question its authenticity.  Feel better and leave his ass is all that can follow.

Of course, all excuses can not be as great as these two, so we settle for what I like to call “The Lazy.” This is when you just roll over, pick up the phone and make that call before ever uttering a single word.  You proceed to sound as if you’ve crawled through the dessert for a week while stating you are soooooooo sick you feel as if were hit by a truck. Yes, the groggy morning voice works but it’s lazy, lacks creativity and leaves you in the position of answering questions about your miraculous recovery the following day. Effort and imagination are your friends, people. 

Then there is this classic, “The Silencer”. You start off strong with “everything is coming out of both ends.” Although this statement will have you on and off the phone in a nano second, it will also leave the door open. The recipient is left to wonder “how in gods name are you making this call?” or they are imaging you sitting on the toilet. Now one of you must die. 

But I must say, nothing to date has even come close to the lengths one of my sister’s co-workers went in order to dodge a huge meeting in NYC. Are you familiar with the saying “less is more”? Well, you’re about to be.

This guy was one of those co-workers that had an all talk no show kind of work ethic. We’ve all had one of these in our lives. 

My sister on the other hand is nothing short of a psycho perfectionist with standards through the roof. Martha Stewart meets Walmart.

She knew there was no way in the world he was prepared for this presentation. Even by his lazy standards.

Mr. Unprepared headed to the train station with his empty briefcase. The briefcase of deceit.

The next day the office received a call that Mr. Unprepared was a no-show to the meeting. Shocking.

This simple act now transpired into frantic phone calls to his cell, the hotel, the client, his family and anyone else on the planet who may have information on his whereabouts. This went on ALL day.

Imagine a full-blown investigation, manhunt, milk cartons being prepped for his photo and my sister feeling a tad guilty for all of those lovely adjectives she used to describe him. Just a tad. 

Shit got real when his wife showed up at the office in tears with their baby and his parents with the faces of fear and anguish. All of this over not being prepared.

After hours of worry for everyone, and the revelation of huge holes in his timeline, he surfaced to state that he was robbed and disoriented. Really now ….

Ironically, once again his creativity fell short. If you’re planning on going to this extreme you better be the master. This guy wasn’t even close.

He came back to the office with no signs of a struggle, other than his smile. Talk about leaving the door open for questions. “I ate some bad sushi from a street vendor” would have been the appropriate way to go in this situation. Short and sweet.

This guy was the definition of Douchebaggery!

While everyone was fawning over his safe return, my sister was giving him the “I know what you did last night” eye. He knew that she was on to him.

So, what do rats do when they’re trapped in a corner? They head to HR with lies about their trapper. Oh yes he did.

Let’s just say he probably never saw the knock on his door, followed by the words “Hey Pussy, can I talk to you?” coming.

Enjoy the Ride!  No questions asked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s Always A Story

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I recently saw the quote “Alcohol, because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad.” This may be true but something tells me I could get a great story out of eating salad. There’s always a story.

Recently I went to the local mall in search of some fancy shoes to wear to a wedding. My feet have not seen anything fancy in years, so this was not going to be easy. I already ordered and returned two pair. Cinderella I am not.

My first mistake was bypassing Macy’s. The logic, if that’s what you want to call it, was to try stores I never shop in first. Why?

First up: Shoe Carnival. How inviting does that sound?  I was in, out and emptied handed in 5 seconds. Carnival is the key word.

Next, I headed down to Boscov’s, where everyone on the planet seems to find amazing merchandise basically for free, except me. As I was browsing the shoe department my intestines began to rumble…oh yes! Glutes tight as I head to the ladies room.

I proceeded to do the shit shuffle from the shoe department, up the escalator, through the furniture department, where I was blocked by a kid throwing a full-blown temper tantrum over the lack of Pokemons. Get the hell out of my way!  

This journey seemed 5 miles long through tar at this point. I headed down some godforsaken 1980’s hallway to the turn of the century bathroom where the gates of hell opened. No words.

Now that I was a least 2 pounds lighter I headed back out to the Mall with every intention of heading home. But no.

I made a sharp right and headed to Sears, because who the hell knows. There I was gazing over the shoes when a women dressed in red from head to toe, approached me with this statement. “If you keep smiling I’m going to file a lawsuit against you.” Alrighty then …

As I look for a glimmer of sanity I notice a man looking at me shrugging his shoulders. Seriously! That’s all you have is a shrug?

Ugh, I stood there alone smiling and now fearing a potential lawsuit. I decided home is where I need to go. Nope.

Just as I was about to escape I noticed the smile police browsing books at Barnes & Noble. She appeared very normal in that moment. 

Next thing I know she is heading my way as if my smile was on the list of the 10 most wanted!  Suddenly she is inches from me when she gave me another warning. “I told you to stop smiling!!” Good thing I hit the bathroom before this moment.

I found myself hiding in the Hallmark store texting my daughter and sisters about the incident, just in case I went missing. I learned that trick from Law and Order SVU.

At this point a normal person would have been sprinting to the car … not me.

Macy’s was my last stop. Within seconds I had a beautiful pair of sparkly shoes on my hooves. Life was good again for a nano second. 

A lovely woman sat down next to me admiring my selection. I loved these shoes! I would have loved them more if I had the 4th toe on my Right foot amputated, but that was not an option. Yet.

We were chatting about the wedding, my need for an emergency amputation, and the fact that my shoes need to be beautiful and comfortable when she began digging down into her bra. I should have known this was not just an adjustment.

Just like a magician she pulls out a pair of dentures, puts them in her mouth and apologizes for talking to me without her teeth. A rabbit would have been less shocking.

My face must have been asking all sorts of questions, because she proceeded to inform me that her 70th birthday was coming up and she no longer cared what people thought. Truth!

At this point of my tale my husband asked “did you finally leave?”

Me: No, I asked her when her birthday was?

Husband: Why?

Me:  I wanted to know.

Husband:  Why?

Me:  Because I wanted to know if she was a Leo.

Husband: Why do you care?

Me:  Just be glad I do.

Although I left the mall without shoes, I did get this post.

That wedding I was talking about is TODAY!!!!

My nephew Ryan is getting hitched to his beautiful bride Monica. Hurricane Hermine is a no show in PA, and we are about to get this party started!

Enjoy the Ride … I know I will!

 

 

 

 

Lone Cheetos

I recently wrote about three of patients, that in spite of their age, are living vital active lives and they aren’t afraid to share their wisdom amongst the masses on the importance of doing just that. When Harry, Norman & Robert Met Lisa

The jury is still out on what has been happening since that essay. Is it coincidence, a conspiracy, my vivid imagination? Or all of the above.

While food shopping, a clerk who has never uttered a single word to me before, suddenly starts discussing the downside of growing older …. with ME …. as if we were one. My cart was not filled with adult diapers so back it up lady.

Just when I thought I was safe, my neighbor approaches to strike up a conversation about bones. Pointing out how “our” bones aren’t the same when “we” get older. My bones are cool thank you very much.

It’s now obvious to me that once the post office realizes you’ve turned the big 50, your regular mailman is replaced with the Grim Reaper. When death starts to moonlight … I can’t.

The amount of geriatric mail that enters my mailbox is ridiculous. Yesterday I received a pamphlet from the Sunny Hill Crematory.  Seriously now!  I’ll assume the Victoria Secret catalogs are now being placed in those younger, more attractive mailboxes down the street.

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Not me!

AARP has literally hijacked my mailbox with their paraphernalia. The amount of literature is equal to political ads.  I’m only 2 years in bitch, save your stamps!

Back in the day the Grim Reaper kept his distance, giving nature a chance to take its course. Sooooo …. WTF happened? Why the constant notification? What’s the rush to the grave?

To put this in perspective, at my current age, my parents were working, functioning adults with active lives. My dad was 57 when I was born for god sakes, so I wasn’t even thought of when he was 52. Let that fester for a minute AARP!

It’s as if society is pushing us closer to the cliffs edge to make room for the newer improved models. We’re not cell phones, so calm your jets!

No one is spared really. I see this rush is across the board. While adults are being pushed into the grave at 50, the poor 10 year olds are being thrown into adulthood. I was basically in a playpen at 10 compared to kids today.

12cb7d4dfb89c81065f453e7c82a94a7I know, I know, I must sound very geriatric right now comparing generations, but it’s more than a “back when I was a kid” comparison.  I’m not that girl … I’m really not.

It’s just that when it comes to aging, society has become an aggressive seagull and I’m starting to feel like a lone Cheeto waiting to be swiped up by its talons. Back it up!

Don’t get me wrong, my inner geriatric has raised its snow-capped head for brief appearances, but I’m still young enough to shove it right back in the closet. Hey, those skeletons need some company. 

I’m not trying to be a teenager here folks, I’m just trying to age gracefully while I continue to … Enjoy the Ride!

 

 

When Harry, Norman & Robert Met Lisa

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Three wise men walked into a Podiatrist office. No, this is not the beginning of a joke about aging feet, it’s the story of one of the best days I’ve had at work in a long time.

Let me introduce you to Harry, Norman & Robert. Three interesting, intelligent and inspiring men who walked into the office, dropped some wisdom and went about their day.

Harry -83 years young:  Harry is a recent surgery patient with a wonderful sense of humor.

When he came in for his first post-op appointment he said, and I quote: “I want to thank Lisa for answering all of my questions, she is a fountain of knowledge.” I asked him to call my children to inform them of that fact, he thought I was kidding … I was not.

Believe it or not, the accurate conclusion that Harry made about me was not what captured my heart. But, it certainly didn’t hurt.

Harry told me that he volunteers in a first-grade classroom, and has been doing it for years. He was so happy that the teacher had the class send him Get Well wishes after his surgery, but there was a catch, they had to include a joke. Laughter is the best medicine.

This gesture filled Harry’s heart. He told me that he enjoys volunteering in the First Grade classroom because it gives him the joy to see these children enter the door not certain what to expect and leave with confidence.

He went on to explain that he has a special bond with this teacher. Harry lost his son years ago in November, just when this teacher was getting married. One young life ending as one began.

Shortly after the teacher was married she found out she was expecting and 3 months into the pregnancy her new husband died suddenly. Grief, let me introduce you to grief.

Their losses brought them together and they are wonderful friends who helped each other heal. He’s been volunteering ever since.

83 years old, still thinking, still living and still making a mark in this world.

Norman-86 years young: He came to us a few months ago via his family doctor, which is never good, and let’s just say that “the little piggy that went to the market” never came back.

When he called the other day he was very nervous that “the little piggy that stayed home” was on its way out too so we made room on the schedule. Podiatry office humor.

Norman came in as if he was the guest of honor at a celebration, not someone with a potential gangrenous toe.

He was wearing a Villanova cap to “make the doctor happy” since his daughter is a student and it was the day of the championship game. Well played Norman, well-played indeed.

Norman was excited to reveal he had recently written a paper on aging. When I took him to the exam room I had to inquire about the paper. I was very curious.

I was thinking he wrote it for the AARP magazine. Nope, he said, “I wrote it for my family, I want them to know how quickly it comes up on you.” A warning of sorts.

The title of the paper is “Getting Old Is Not For Sissies.” Norman told me he stole that line from Bette Davis, an actress I wouldn’t know because, and I quote “you’re too young to remember her.” He had me at “too young.”

Norman still can’t believe he is 86. He doesn’t recognize the person in the mirror. Still has a lot to share with this world. Has an incredible sense of humor, and wants nothing more than for his family to be happy.

Norman is going to drop off a copy of the paper for me to read. No worries, I will share.

Robert-91 years young: Robert came in for a routine appointment. As soon as he came to the window he showed my co-worker a photo of him and his wife from 1941. They looked like movie stars.

Robert is a tall man, but frail. No doubt more so since he lost the love of his life. He told my co-worker a story that left them both with watery eyes.

Later I asked her about it and of course, I too was left with watery eyes. We’re so sappy sometimes.

Robert explained that he and his wife were sitting at the kitchen table and she asked: “How long have we been married?” Robert responded with “65 years dear.” Her response was “I have not regretted one day in 65 years.” Robert explained that even though she is gone, he is still stunned by her words. He is a walking, talking broken heart.

I was also taken back by my co-worker’s response to Robert which was “It was nice to be able to hear that Robert.”  Indeed, it was.

I must say, it was a pleasure to pick-up these three men while I … Enjoy the Ride!

 

4 Loose Tiles

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What was once the yard

There has been a lot of activity  going on here at the homestead. 23 years and not one has passed without some sort of project, so why should this year be any different. Because maybe I need a break.

I had no idea about this project until I saw the sketches. Notice that is plural.

One minute I’m attending an open house, and the next there are steel beams being erected in my yard. Confused? Me too.

Sooooooo, after a very long process the ground was broken, just in time for the holidays. Thank you Mother Nature. 

What woman doesn’t want to clean-up never ending dirt during the holidays? The answer is … NONE OF THEM!

My friends, neighbors and anyone who sees our house, constantly remind me how “lucky” I am to have such a “handy guy.” Handy is fixing a pipe, I have someone who sees a mantle inside of a tree stump. 

It’s not that I’m ungrateful or that I won’t be over the moon with the results, it’s the lonely road in between that does me in. I’m a Home Improvement Widow!

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Lisa

During these periods of “tinkering”, we can sit in the same room and one of us (not me) has no recollection of that period of time.Why? Because the wheels are spinning at a rate that I cannot even recognize. I’m surprised he doesn’t explode.

My life from now until the last stroke of the paintbrush will be solo. My other half is officially consumed into his project. His creative juices are percolating and his magic is about to be unleashed. Meanwhile over here ….

Legos for adults should really be a thing.

As if this enormous project wasn’t enough to occupy every waking moment, we had a recent mishap in our bathroom. 4 loose tiles to be exact. Remember that line. 

The solution to this was put the masterpiece outback on hold, take a week of vacation time to “fix” the bathroom and you’ll be taking a shower in a week he said….

We only have one bathroom with a shower. The other bathroom has a beautiful spa tub. You know that saying “too much of a good thing won’t be good” it’s like that.

On the Saturday before the big fix I asked, and I quote: “Are you going to paint?” the response, which will be used by me every chance I get from now, until well … forever was “Yes, I’m going to paint.”

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4….Loose….Tiles

By the time I returned home Monday there was, let’s just say much more progress than I expected. Shock and awe were more like it.

There were FOUR loose tiles people.

Yes, he said he was going to “rearrange” the toilet and the sink.

No, he did NOT say anything about demolition … AT ALL! He said he was going to paint!!!

Needless to say, the week came and went. Progress is being made, but I’m still not showering or murdering.

The tile is down. The molding is up. The shower is on BACK ORDER. The toilet, sink and walls have not been spotted, but my patience is still intact. Hanging by a thread…but still on.

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It’s all about balance

My favorite part about all of this is using my new Super Power. That’s right folks, the line “you said you were going to paint” is my new go to for everything ever wanted by yours truly.

Me: I think I’m going to order new cushions for the patio.

Hubby: Do we really need them?

Me:  You said you were going to paint. They arrive Tuesday.

I just love the Yin/Yang of life!

Enjoy the Ride!

 

 

 

Donald

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At this point in my life, why do I continue to let my Inner Critic rise to the occasion to spew its negativity? Really, it needs to just shut up!

The other day I was stretching at the gym when I noticed this young woman staring at me. For the record, the inner critic loves to come to the gym.

Now, I could have thought that she was admiring my flexibility, but nooooo not when I have the asshole in tow. 

Immediately I assumed she was looking at my faults. We all know spandex does not lie. When you wear it at 52, after years of abusing yourself with food and bearing children …. it screams the truth.

We made eye contact, exchanged awkward smiles and moved along. The smile was f17ad66469e2d358214941c55d215844received as sympathy for my flaws. Without one piece of evidence.

Later in the workout I noticed her looking in my direction  …. again!  I should have been thinking that perhaps she was looking for a date, but no not with the good ole critic by my side. It was all about body shaming from that one.

I allowed these negative thoughts to grow throughout the workout. I was ridiculously self-conscience the entire time. As if the struggle isn’t hard enough, I had to dodge some extra punches.

After the hour was over and the stretching complete, the young woman sheepishly approaches me. Mind you she was built like an instructor, not a client, so I assumed she was nervous about how she was going to be brutally honest with me. If only negative thoughts burned calories … I would be transparent.

There I stood waiting for the punch. Feeling horrible about everything spandex, everything about the workout and everything about myself. Defeat at its highest power.

This is what went down:

Young Woman:  Oh hi I was just wondering where you get your hair cut. I saw you last week and loved your cut and I’m looking for a change.

Me:  What did you say? I blamed my shock o the music.

Young Woman:  I was just asking where you get your hair cut I love it! 

Me:  Gave her all the details and made her very happy. 

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My new attitude

By the time I got to the car I was furious with myself. I could not believe I put my accomplishments in the back seat while this miserable ass drove me to the point of such defeat.  My inner critic has a name, and I think it might be Donald, after another ass I know who continuously spews negative energy. 

Think about it….

No more trips to the past for me. Been there, done that.

No more beating myself up over my looks.

No more insecurities.

 

It’s all about moving forward to crush my goals like the badass rockstar from Mars that I know I am! Yes, that is the sound of someone wearing their positive pants.

I’m off to let my fabulous hair blow in the wind while I  ….. Enjoy the Ride!

Quote: thejealouscurator.com; Photo: Huffington Post

 

Spring, With A Side Of Summer

Spring has sprung here in Philly, with a side of Summer.

Oh, there is chatter about “it” not being over, but “it” doesn’t matter once the thermometer reaches 80. Tootles Old Man Winter, until we meet again.

I’ve put together a little photo essay for the turn of seasons, even though it’s not official for a few more weeks.

First up …. Squirrels

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Bonjour!

Meet Sebastien a/k/a the nemesis to my two little innocent fur angels.

Sebastian L O V E S to just sit, stare and mock from the comforts of my deck furniture.

Yesterday, as Landon was barking his face off, Sebastien was enjoying a croissant on my swing. A croissant? 

When I catch him in his beret smoking a cigarette and demanding a refill, I’ll be sure to share that photo. Where the hell did he get that croissant?

Flowers

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Hello World!

Everything is getting greener, with a splash of pink, purple & yellow of course.

You can always depend on the Crocus’s to arrive early to the party with a little hope in tow. They are certainly survivors and they never disappoint.  I think they might be my spirit flower ….

These perfect beauties were posted to FaceBook by my friend. Feel free to smile.

I’ll just be over hear scratching my eyes and blowing my nose. Allergies…the dark side of Spring.

Love

Oh yes, it’s true. While wildlife in my yard has been handing out cigars like the Duggars, my little Pee-Wee (Peanut) that has fallen hard right here in the house.

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Took the Lady right out of this bug!

It’s Dogs Gone Wild over here at LWTTD!

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What?

Peanut suddenly started taking trips upstairs. He prefers to be carried like the King he is, so that raised a brow. Peanut sauntered down with a little swagger in his step. The only thing missing was the silk robe, cigarette & martini. 

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There is nothing to see here … move along.

Like the good mother I am, I stalked his next trip. Sure enough, I caught him shacking up with a stuffed Lady Bug. Mother’s intuition is rarely wrong.

What I did not expect was the all out orgy I witnessed with the Lady Bug, Phillie Phanatic and the Scholar Owl. Or the fact that I yelled, “what are you doing?!”

Is this my life now? Hiding stuffed animals before I leave the house … apparently it is. 

Peanut the poker-faced PLAYHA.

 

Honestly, the best part about this glorious weather has been open windows and sunbeams, just ask Landon. 

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I stay away from stuffed animals, but I bark at air. 

Looks like today will be another beauty … Enjoy the Ride!

Open Wide

Roaring Laughter

“What was the last thing that gave you a real, authentic, tearful, hearty belly laugh? Why was it so funny?”

This question is by far one of the easiest I’ve ever had to answer. I am what some might consider an easy laugh and they’re right.

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By: Thomas Barbey

My answer to this question came on Friday, February 5th while sitting in, are you ready? the dentist chair. How many people can say that?

I’ve been going to my dentist for years. My mouth is a dental Disneyland so it’s a win/win. Always exciting, always something new, and always guaranteed cash. What’s not to love about that?

We really have a wonderful relationship, especially now that I’ve put both his children through college, and I’m currently helping him with a real estate deal in Center City. I’m such a giver … really. 

Well, on Friday I was going in for a quick $418.00 visit. Off with the temporary cap, on with the permanent one. In and out. Nothing ever goes according to plan with this mouth.

As he was getting started he signaled his assistant to get the suction going, but something was off about the conversation. I could tell he was getting frustrated. Um because I was right there with my mouth opened like the Holland Tunnel listening. 

Dentist:  Are you hungry?

Me:  I motioned “no” with my head.  Since I had a hand, vacuum, and some sort of light in my mouth at the time. I followed up with a shrug which was my way of asking “why?”

Dentist:  You seem to have a lot of saliva today. The suction can’t keep up. I’m about to bring in the wet vac.

Me: Lost it!

Dentist & Assistant:  Lost it!

** The rest of this conversation took place through laughter, which just made it funnier, which led to yet more laughter.**

Dentist:  Can you swallow?

Me:  Not without drowning.

Dentist: Bite down on this. A small piece of cotton.

Me:  You might want to get something more absorbent. Just the thought of a roll of Bounty in my mouth cracked me up.

Dentist:  I hate to say this … rinse out.

Me:  Practically crying with laughter.

Dentist:  In my entire career I never had to change gloves in the middle of a procedure.

Me:  Laughing at his now serious manner. Well, I got 99 problems, but extra saliva isn’t one of them.

Everyone:  Uncontrollable laughter

Enjoy the ride! 

No Means No!

Why must there A L W A Y S be a price, even when something is F R E E?

WHHHYYYY????

Here’s my story sad but true…..

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Once upon a time, there was a woman named Lee Wee with a birth certificate that claimed she was middle aged, but her spirit read young, ready and willing.

One day, in early December, her bestie scored some tickets to the Live With Kelly & Michael show in New York City, her most favorite cities of all.

The tickets were FREE or so they thought ….

Oh, how she longed to see her favorite city decorated in all its glory for Christmas. She was bursting with excitement just at the thought of this marvelous adventure!

As her bestie had dreams of meeting Kelly, Lee Wee had her focus on standing next to Michael and feeling short for 5 seconds!

So, in the wee hours of the morning, Lee Wee and her bestie ventured to the Big Apple in order to get to the studio by 7:00 a.m.

This was the first sign that FREE tickets aren’t really FREE.

They stood out on the dark cold street waiting patiently for the doors to open when suddenly rumors began to surface.

Rumors that one of the quests on the show was going to be none other than ….. Donald Trump.

girl-screamingLee Wee screamed in horror and refused to believe it to be true!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO she screamed when her new friends Ed & Sandy from Georgia confirmed it with a Google search.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO she screamed when she saw the words “Secret Service” on the jacket of the officer in the building.

“No No No No No!” She said as she stated “I will NOT be clapping for that ass!” “I did not get up at 2:47 to see HIM … NO!”

Laughter at her clear frustration ensued around her as she wondered if her afternoon would be spent in the custody of the FBI.

Sandy asked with laughter, and a southern drawl, “Well, who would you want to see today?” Lee Wee responded with a solid “Anyone else on this planet would be great!” A N Y O N E

Lee Wee was in such deep denial at this point that she continued asking anyone with a pulse if it were true, even though all the evidence was crystal clear and her belongings were just searched by a Secret Service Agent.

First she asked the bathroom attendant who rolled her immigrant eyes, sighed and said … ‘yes.”

Next she asked the gentlemen at the desk who responded with a solid … “he sure is.”

Last but not least she asked the young man at the t-shirt kiosk who sadly stated, “yes! and it’s been the worst day of my existence as an employee.”

Lee Wee returned to her place in line defeated. She was about to enter a private hell.

There she was stuck in a LIVE studio, unable to rid her corneas and ear drums of the poison that was about to be forced upon her for the next HOUR.

Lee Wee sat in horror as she spotted DT right in front of her as he waited in the wings to hit the stage. She knew seeing that “hair” in person wasn’t going to be easy, but what she didn’t expect was for him to SPIT on the floor before walking out.

So it’s true kids, money can’t but class!

While everyone stood up, as they were told to do, she remained seated with folded arms in protest of his presence.

After what seemed like an eternity listening to this ass trying to convince images.jpeghimself that he was a “good person” Lee Wee was ready to move on.

The audience was filled with a majority of like-minded people and Lee Wee found it joyfully painful watching the producer waving his hands like a drowning fish to get the audience to applaud, as she silently chanted “no means no!”

FINALLY! The Donald left the building. Lee Wee began to smile, and the world was good again.

Lee Wee and her bestie spent the rest of the day soaking up everything this grand city had to offer in true best friend fashion while they … Enjoyed The Ride! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clean Livin’

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It’s been a while since I’ve paused to do what I love so much, but better late than never folks. I bet you’re all wondering what the hell I’ve been up to over these past few months. Sadly the answer is NOT traveling the world with my lottery winnings in tow.

The biggest thing that has happened to us over the past few months is we have broken our ties with CABLE TELEVISION. That’s right people I am living the Antenna Life a/k/a Clean Livin’. Yes, I did say “no cable” and “antenna” in November of 2105.

This relationship came to erupt end when my son accidentally changed our plan via the remote when he was trying to order a movie. You know what prevents this from happening …. wearing your GLASSES. 

Within minutes, I called our new server Verizon Fios to alert them of the MjAxMy1iNjk1OTlkNGQyZjJlZGEwaccident. Of course, I acted as if my son were a toddler playing with the remote opposed to the 20-year old ordering some god forsaken movie in the middle of the day, but that didn’t seem to matter. He could have been legally blind, randomly hitting buttons and zero fucks would still be given!

This is when I was informed that our plan was no longer available. In less than an hour our plan disappeared?  Yes. Apparently that’s how our plan rolled. I had no idea we had the playah of cable plans, the plan that jumped from one customer to the next without looking back.

After several calls to rectify this is a civil manner we were calmly told “there is NOTHING we can do.” Really? In 2015, there is N O T H I N G that can be done?  Not a single button could be pushed to rectify an accidental incident for a new customer … nada! Alrighty then ….

Have you ever gone from calm, cool and collected to cursing like Tony Montana? I have. 

I won’t scare the crap out of you  bore you with the ugly details of these negotiations, just know they ended with more money in my pocket each month and a new pair of boots on my feet to prove it!

Leaving the 21st century wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be … for us. My son’s response was “Whew! I got out just in time!” and my daughter responded with “I think I just saw a dinosaur walk by.” They think we have lost our minds, but they weren’t paying the bill so we don’t care.

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Lilly doing duck lips before duck lips were a thang!

No fears people we do have a Smart TV that allows us an occasional re-entry into the current century via Netflix. But I must say, we’ve been enjoying the calmness of outdated sitcoms much much more than anything from this century. Less violence goes a long way, especially at bedtime.

I’ve been hooked on the original reality show The Munsters for weeks now. The Kardashians have nothing on this story line! Lilly and Herman recently had an awful argument, but no worries Grandpa and that hideous character Marilyn worked diligently to get them to make up. Do you see how deep I’m in? I’ll leave my other addiction, My Favorite Martian, for another post. I’m crushing hard on Bill Bixby … really hard. 

Enjoy the Ride! Even if it’s in reverse, way back to the 70’s when we enjoyed life at a slower pace and weren’t polarized by fear, negativity and Donald Trump on a daily basis. 

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