Tag Archives: Lessons

Stranger Things Have Happened

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Photo by: Arhm Scrap

via Daily Prompt: Faded

fade
fād/Submit
verb
past tense: faded; past participle: faded 1. gradually grow faint and disappear.

I know we all meet sorrow in our own way. For me, it’s looking for the silver lining. Much easier said than done, but hope is always doable.

At first, I thought I might have some sort of super powers. Somehow going about my daily routine like a badass. I went to work without missing a beat. I even went out socializing without a care in the world trying my best to squash the memories. Guess what? Even the baddest of asses have their moments.

For over a month now I’ve been trying very hard to kick my sorrow to the curb. I hosted Thanksgiving like a pilgrim! I channeled my inner Martha Stewart to deck the damn halls! I got all gussied up to attend an amazing Christmas party, and I’ve been working out as if I’m being considered for the Olympics! But guess what people? IT DOESN’T WORK!

When the family leaves, the work is done, the sweat is showered off, and I come home, do you know who is waiting? Yep, just like that annoying guest at the party who never seems to realize it’s time to hit the road …. sorrow is there to greet me with open arms. It’s really beginning to be a huge pain in the ass!

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that if sorrow is going to hang around for awhile, I need to do something about it. I think t’s time we become friends or form some sort of relationship. I know it sounds crazy, but I’m tired of fighting this weightlifter of an emotion. 

Wait a minute, “friends” might be a little strong, maybe I’ll start with a roomie and work my way up to besties. I’m only human. 

So, for now, it looks like I’ll be chillin with sorrow. I’ve set up some free space in my head so he can get cozy. Yes, sorrow is a man …. because I said so.

I must say since he’s been hanging around, I’ve been learning a lesson here and there about myself, so at least he’s earning his keep. If only he cleaned bathrooms. 

Who knows next maybe he’ll show me how to be strong as him. Stranger things have happened…look who is our new prez. 

Maybe he’ll even wine and dine me as he leads me to that silver lining. Where I can only imagine unicorns are running free.

Better yet … maybe one day I’ll be able to sit by a nice sunny window, sipping a hot cup of coffee, listening to Marvin Gaye while I watch all of this just fade away. Goals!

Enjoy the Ride!

 

No Questions Asked

1aew9yI recently ran late for work, which is very out of character for this early bird. Of course, it had nothing to do with me. Nope, I have to blame it on the dog. The ole “the dog ate my homework” just reached a new level.

Every day before I leave for the salt mines I take my love bugs for a walk. They are well aware of this routine and are normally waiting on me. This particular morning Peanut was suddenly MIA. As I was calling him I could actually hear the panic in my voice. Pets are not spared from my zero to catastrophic reasoning.

I ran up the steps expecting to find a four-legged comatose dog, but instead, I found a stuffed Ladybug smoking a cigarette in the hallway. (not really we don’t allow smoking in the house) and Pee Wee paralyzed by an erection in the bedroom! (erections are always welcome, except in this moment) Oh yes, this was happening. 

Look, if you’re going to be late, I’m certain the line “I’m sorry I’m late I had to wait for my dogs erection to recede in order to take him out for his morning poop” will not only work, it just may go down in infamy at work places across the land. No questions asked.

My first jaw-dropping excuse came from Jackie, a young girl from the hood, who I had the pleasure of knowing early on in my working career. She called out one morning with this gem. “I won’t be in today, my boyfriend dropped his gun on my foot and I can’t walk.” It’s solidly shocking enough not to question its authenticity.  Feel better and leave his ass is all that can follow.

Of course, all excuses can not be as great as these two, so we settle for what I like to call “The Lazy.” This is when you just roll over, pick up the phone and make that call before ever uttering a single word.  You proceed to sound as if you’ve crawled through the dessert for a week while stating you are soooooooo sick you feel as if were hit by a truck. Yes, the groggy morning voice works but it’s lazy, lacks creativity and leaves you in the position of answering questions about your miraculous recovery the following day. Effort and imagination are your friends, people. 

Then there is this classic, “The Silencer”. You start off strong with “everything is coming out of both ends.” Although this statement will have you on and off the phone in a nano second, it will also leave the door open. The recipient is left to wonder “how in gods name are you making this call?” or they are imaging you sitting on the toilet. Now one of you must die. 

But I must say, nothing to date has even come close to the lengths one of my sister’s co-workers went in order to dodge a huge meeting in NYC. Are you familiar with the saying “less is more”? Well, you’re about to be.

This guy was one of those co-workers that had an all talk no show kind of work ethic. We’ve all had one of these in our lives. 

My sister on the other hand is nothing short of a psycho perfectionist with standards through the roof. Martha Stewart meets Walmart.

She knew there was no way in the world he was prepared for this presentation. Even by his lazy standards.

Mr. Unprepared headed to the train station with his empty briefcase. The briefcase of deceit.

The next day the office received a call that Mr. Unprepared was a no-show to the meeting. Shocking.

This simple act now transpired into frantic phone calls to his cell, the hotel, the client, his family and anyone else on the planet who may have information on his whereabouts. This went on ALL day.

Imagine a full-blown investigation, manhunt, milk cartons being prepped for his photo and my sister feeling a tad guilty for all of those lovely adjectives she used to describe him. Just a tad. 

Shit got real when his wife showed up at the office in tears with their baby and his parents with the faces of fear and anguish. All of this over not being prepared.

After hours of worry for everyone, and the revelation of huge holes in his timeline, he surfaced to state that he was robbed and disoriented. Really now ….

Ironically, once again his creativity fell short. If you’re planning on going to this extreme you better be the master. This guy wasn’t even close.

He came back to the office with no signs of a struggle, other than his smile. Talk about leaving the door open for questions. “I ate some bad sushi from a street vendor” would have been the appropriate way to go in this situation. Short and sweet.

This guy was the definition of Douchebaggery!

While everyone was fawning over his safe return, my sister was giving him the “I know what you did last night” eye. He knew that she was on to him.

So, what do rats do when they’re trapped in a corner? They head to HR with lies about their trapper. Oh yes he did.

Let’s just say he probably never saw the knock on his door, followed by the words “Hey Pussy, can I talk to you?” coming.

Enjoy the Ride!  No questions asked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s Always A Story

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I recently saw the quote “Alcohol, because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad.” This may be true but something tells me I could get a great story out of eating salad. There’s always a story.

Recently I went to the local mall in search of some fancy shoes to wear to a wedding. My feet have not seen anything fancy in years, so this was not going to be easy. I already ordered and returned two pair. Cinderella I am not.

My first mistake was bypassing Macy’s. The logic, if that’s what you want to call it, was to try stores I never shop in first. Why?

First up: Shoe Carnival. How inviting does that sound?  I was in, out and emptied handed in 5 seconds. Carnival is the key word.

Next, I headed down to Boscov’s, where everyone on the planet seems to find amazing merchandise basically for free, except me. As I was browsing the shoe department my intestines began to rumble…oh yes! Glutes tight as I head to the ladies room.

I proceeded to do the shit shuffle from the shoe department, up the escalator, through the furniture department, where I was blocked by a kid throwing a full-blown temper tantrum over the lack of Pokemons. Get the hell out of my way!  

This journey seemed 5 miles long through tar at this point. I headed down some godforsaken 1980’s hallway to the turn of the century bathroom where the gates of hell opened. No words.

Now that I was a least 2 pounds lighter I headed back out to the Mall with every intention of heading home. But no.

I made a sharp right and headed to Sears, because who the hell knows. There I was gazing over the shoes when a women dressed in red from head to toe, approached me with this statement. “If you keep smiling I’m going to file a lawsuit against you.” Alrighty then …

As I look for a glimmer of sanity I notice a man looking at me shrugging his shoulders. Seriously! That’s all you have is a shrug?

Ugh, I stood there alone smiling and now fearing a potential lawsuit. I decided home is where I need to go. Nope.

Just as I was about to escape I noticed the smile police browsing books at Barnes & Noble. She appeared very normal in that moment. 

Next thing I know she is heading my way as if my smile was on the list of the 10 most wanted!  Suddenly she is inches from me when she gave me another warning. “I told you to stop smiling!!” Good thing I hit the bathroom before this moment.

I found myself hiding in the Hallmark store texting my daughter and sisters about the incident, just in case I went missing. I learned that trick from Law and Order SVU.

At this point a normal person would have been sprinting to the car … not me.

Macy’s was my last stop. Within seconds I had a beautiful pair of sparkly shoes on my hooves. Life was good again for a nano second. 

A lovely woman sat down next to me admiring my selection. I loved these shoes! I would have loved them more if I had the 4th toe on my Right foot amputated, but that was not an option. Yet.

We were chatting about the wedding, my need for an emergency amputation, and the fact that my shoes need to be beautiful and comfortable when she began digging down into her bra. I should have known this was not just an adjustment.

Just like a magician she pulls out a pair of dentures, puts them in her mouth and apologizes for talking to me without her teeth. A rabbit would have been less shocking.

My face must have been asking all sorts of questions, because she proceeded to inform me that her 70th birthday was coming up and she no longer cared what people thought. Truth!

At this point of my tale my husband asked “did you finally leave?”

Me: No, I asked her when her birthday was?

Husband: Why?

Me:  I wanted to know.

Husband:  Why?

Me:  Because I wanted to know if she was a Leo.

Husband: Why do you care?

Me:  Just be glad I do.

Although I left the mall without shoes, I did get this post.

That wedding I was talking about is TODAY!!!!

My nephew Ryan is getting hitched to his beautiful bride Monica. Hurricane Hermine is a no show in PA, and we are about to get this party started!

Enjoy the Ride … I know I will!

 

 

 

 

Let’s Put The “We” Back In The People

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If this gem doesn’t just scream my name I don’t know what does. That’s right folks, I’m officially hanging with the pigeon squad. 

I am EXHAUSTED!

Not by the hamster wheel of life, but by the behavior of my co-humans.

By the increased hatred and decrease in common decency.

By the lack of truth and over indulgence of misinformation and lies.

I am EXHAUSTED!

By the loss of common ground and the divided beliefs.

By the daily negativity of he said she said while important issues sit silently.

By the rise in civil obedience and the lack of active participation in the process.

I am EXHAUSTED!

By being told who to hate by our televisions, while books collect dust.

By judgments, labels & stereotypes in one hand and bibles, flags & hypocrisy in the other.

By the absence of faith, hope & charity and the escalation of greed.

I am EXHAUSTED!

By the Social Media scholars and their ignorant followers.

By the callous treatment of the less fortunate and the misguided definition of fame. 

By fear dictating our decisions, while common sense faces extinction.

I am EXHAUSTED!

By the abuse of our first amendment and the over extended defense of the our second.

By selfishness leading the way, while collaboration sits on the sidelines.

By the misconception that strength is loud and quietness is weak.

I am EXHAUSTED! 

By the thought of war being the answer and not giving peace a chance.

By the short memories and selective truths.

By the thought that I’m too optimistic, while others have surrendered hope.

Let’s TRY to celebrate our Independence and our Interdependence today by being free from our hatred, fears and differences. These are the freedoms that lay out a strong foundation for our future. These are the freedoms that unite. These are the freedoms that will thrive. 

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the Common Defense, promote the General Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to Ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Now, I’m not going to lie, I will have to remember all of this when my beer induced, wanna be pyrotechnic neighbor starts setting off fireworks from his weather-beaten, one spark short of an inferno deck this evening. I NEVER SAID IT WAS GOING TO BE EASY…anything worthwhile rarely is easy.

We’re all in this together, so hop in and Enjoy the Ride!

 

Lone Cheetos

I recently wrote about three of patients, that in spite of their age, are living vital active lives and they aren’t afraid to share their wisdom amongst the masses on the importance of doing just that. When Harry, Norman & Robert Met Lisa

The jury is still out on what has been happening since that essay. Is it coincidence, a conspiracy, my vivid imagination? Or all of the above.

While food shopping, a clerk who has never uttered a single word to me before, suddenly starts discussing the downside of growing older …. with ME …. as if we were one. My cart was not filled with adult diapers so back it up lady.

Just when I thought I was safe, my neighbor approaches to strike up a conversation about bones. Pointing out how “our” bones aren’t the same when “we” get older. My bones are cool thank you very much.

It’s now obvious to me that once the post office realizes you’ve turned the big 50, your regular mailman is replaced with the Grim Reaper. When death starts to moonlight … I can’t.

The amount of geriatric mail that enters my mailbox is ridiculous. Yesterday I received a pamphlet from the Sunny Hill Crematory.  Seriously now!  I’ll assume the Victoria Secret catalogs are now being placed in those younger, more attractive mailboxes down the street.

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Not me!

AARP has literally hijacked my mailbox with their paraphernalia. The amount of literature is equal to political ads.  I’m only 2 years in bitch, save your stamps!

Back in the day the Grim Reaper kept his distance, giving nature a chance to take its course. Sooooo …. WTF happened? Why the constant notification? What’s the rush to the grave?

To put this in perspective, at my current age, my parents were working, functioning adults with active lives. My dad was 57 when I was born for god sakes, so I wasn’t even thought of when he was 52. Let that fester for a minute AARP!

It’s as if society is pushing us closer to the cliffs edge to make room for the newer improved models. We’re not cell phones, so calm your jets!

No one is spared really. I see this rush is across the board. While adults are being pushed into the grave at 50, the poor 10 year olds are being thrown into adulthood. I was basically in a playpen at 10 compared to kids today.

12cb7d4dfb89c81065f453e7c82a94a7I know, I know, I must sound very geriatric right now comparing generations, but it’s more than a “back when I was a kid” comparison.  I’m not that girl … I’m really not.

It’s just that when it comes to aging, society has become an aggressive seagull and I’m starting to feel like a lone Cheeto waiting to be swiped up by its talons. Back it up!

Don’t get me wrong, my inner geriatric has raised its snow-capped head for brief appearances, but I’m still young enough to shove it right back in the closet. Hey, those skeletons need some company. 

I’m not trying to be a teenager here folks, I’m just trying to age gracefully while I continue to … Enjoy the Ride!

 

 

When Harry, Norman & Robert Met Lisa

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Three wise men walked into a Podiatrist office. No, this is not the beginning of a joke about aging feet, it’s the story of one of the best days I’ve had at work in a long time.

Let me introduce you to Harry, Norman & Robert. Three interesting, intelligent and inspiring men who walked into the office, dropped some wisdom and went about their day.

Harry -83 years young:  Harry is a recent surgery patient with a wonderful sense of humor.

When he came in for his first post-op appointment he said, and I quote: “I want to thank Lisa for answering all of my questions, she is a fountain of knowledge.” I asked him to call my children to inform them of that fact, he thought I was kidding … I was not.

Believe it or not, the accurate conclusion that Harry made about me was not what captured my heart. But, it certainly didn’t hurt.

Harry told me that he volunteers in a first-grade classroom, and has been doing it for years. He was so happy that the teacher had the class send him Get Well wishes after his surgery, but there was a catch, they had to include a joke. Laughter is the best medicine.

This gesture filled Harry’s heart. He told me that he enjoys volunteering in the First Grade classroom because it gives him the joy to see these children enter the door not certain what to expect and leave with confidence.

He went on to explain that he has a special bond with this teacher. Harry lost his son years ago in November, just when this teacher was getting married. One young life ending as one began.

Shortly after the teacher was married she found out she was expecting and 3 months into the pregnancy her new husband died suddenly. Grief, let me introduce you to grief.

Their losses brought them together and they are wonderful friends who helped each other heal. He’s been volunteering ever since.

83 years old, still thinking, still living and still making a mark in this world.

Norman-86 years young: He came to us a few months ago via his family doctor, which is never good, and let’s just say that “the little piggy that went to the market” never came back.

When he called the other day he was very nervous that “the little piggy that stayed home” was on its way out too so we made room on the schedule. Podiatry office humor.

Norman came in as if he was the guest of honor at a celebration, not someone with a potential gangrenous toe.

He was wearing a Villanova cap to “make the doctor happy” since his daughter is a student and it was the day of the championship game. Well played Norman, well-played indeed.

Norman was excited to reveal he had recently written a paper on aging. When I took him to the exam room I had to inquire about the paper. I was very curious.

I was thinking he wrote it for the AARP magazine. Nope, he said, “I wrote it for my family, I want them to know how quickly it comes up on you.” A warning of sorts.

The title of the paper is “Getting Old Is Not For Sissies.” Norman told me he stole that line from Bette Davis, an actress I wouldn’t know because, and I quote “you’re too young to remember her.” He had me at “too young.”

Norman still can’t believe he is 86. He doesn’t recognize the person in the mirror. Still has a lot to share with this world. Has an incredible sense of humor, and wants nothing more than for his family to be happy.

Norman is going to drop off a copy of the paper for me to read. No worries, I will share.

Robert-91 years young: Robert came in for a routine appointment. As soon as he came to the window he showed my co-worker a photo of him and his wife from 1941. They looked like movie stars.

Robert is a tall man, but frail. No doubt more so since he lost the love of his life. He told my co-worker a story that left them both with watery eyes.

Later I asked her about it and of course I too was left with watery eyes. We’re so sappy sometimes.

Robert explained that he and his wife were sitting at the kitchen table and she asked: “How long have we been married?” Robert responded with “65 years dear.” Her response was “I have not regretted one day in 65 years.” Robert explained that even though she is gone, he is still stunned by her words. He is a walking, talking broken heart.

I was also taken back by my co-workers response to Robert which was “It was nice to be able to hear that Robert.”  Indeed, it was.

I must say, it was a pleasure to pick-up these three men while I … Enjoy the Ride!

 

Donald

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At this point in my life, why do I continue to let my Inner Critic rise to the occasion to spew its negativity? Really, it needs to just shut up!

The other day I was stretching at the gym when I noticed this young woman staring at me. For the record, the inner critic loves to come to the gym.

Now, I could have thought that she was admiring my flexibility, but nooooo not when I have the asshole in tow. 

Immediately I assumed she was looking at my faults. We all know spandex does not lie. When you wear it at 52, after years of abusing yourself with food and bearing children …. it screams the truth.

We made eye contact, exchanged awkward smiles and moved along. The smile was f17ad66469e2d358214941c55d215844received as sympathy for my flaws. Without one piece of evidence.

Later in the workout I noticed her looking in my direction  …. again!  I should have been thinking that perhaps she was looking for a date, but no not with the good ole critic by my side. It was all about body shaming from that one.

I allowed these negative thoughts to grow throughout the workout. I was ridiculously self-conscience the entire time. As if the struggle isn’t hard enough, I had to dodge some extra punches.

After the hour was over and the stretching complete, the young woman sheepishly approaches me. Mind you she was built like an instructor, not a client, so I assumed she was nervous about how she was going to be brutally honest with me. If only negative thoughts burned calories … I would be transparent.

There I stood waiting for the punch. Feeling horrible about everything spandex, everything about the workout and everything about myself. Defeat at its highest power.

This is what went down:

Young Woman:  Oh hi I was just wondering where you get your hair cut. I saw you last week and loved your cut and I’m looking for a change.

Me:  What did you say? I blamed my shock o the music.

Young Woman:  I was just asking where you get your hair cut I love it! 

Me:  Gave her all the details and made her very happy. 

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My new attitude

By the time I got to the car I was furious with myself. I could not believe I put my accomplishments in the back seat while this miserable ass drove me to the point of such defeat.  My inner critic has a name, and I think it might be Donald, after another ass I know who continuously spews negative energy. 

Think about it….

No more trips to the past for me. Been there, done that.

No more beating myself up over my looks.

No more insecurities.

 

It’s all about moving forward to crush my goals like the badass rockstar from Mars that I know I am! Yes, that is the sound of someone wearing their positive pants.

I’m off to let my fabulous hair blow in the wind while I  ….. Enjoy the Ride!

Quote: thejealouscurator.com; Photo: Huffington Post

 

How Low Can You Go?

Tell us about the most exciting big night out you had recently.

Imagine sitting in your kitchen on a Sunday afternoon, just 2 days after Christmas, trying to muster up the incentive clean-up the holiday aftermath, and go food shopping. The struggle was real.

In the distance, I heard a faint ding a/k/a as the diversion. 

I reacted like the trained lab rat I am and sprinted to find my phone.

Hmm, a private message from my BFF on Facebook, always intriguing, this time, it was like hitting a lottery.

Low and behold an old friend of hers, and a new friend of mine invited us to her East Coast wedding celebration.

The ding was received at 12:59 and the party started at 3:00.

While part of me was starting the car, the other part was anchored down with all she had to do. Celebrating love or food shopping? Once I said that out loud it was a no brainer.

Guess what? Milk can be purchased any ole time, but these friends were only here from California for the holidays. They came to celebrate their fabulous union with their East Coast peeps, and we were fortunate enough to be included in the festivities.

Needless to say, by some sort of miracle, we were both gussied up and drinking a cocktail by 3:30!! I even did my nails … it’s still a mystery.

When you say yes the universe helps you.  Dan Brule

Did I mention this was a gay wedding? Well, it was. Let me just say to the heterosexual crowd … THE BAR HAS BEEN RISEN. Game on people, game on.

We ate, danced, laughed, danced, laughed, danced, laughed …. you get the picture.

Here are a few photos of the shenanigans  fabulous time that I wanted to last all night long.

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Cheers!

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Selfie Station Shenanigans With the BFF

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The Happiness With One Of The Brides

 

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This Is What Fun Looks Like

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The Photo That Keeps On Giving

After the glitter settled I was suddenly crippled. Apparently I sprained my gluteus medius. How did this happen you ask? Well, that was determined through a conversation with the bestie and confirmed by an Orthopedic doctor.

Me: I’m crippled! I can just about walk. I think it’s from dancing.

Bestie: Did you go too low?

Me: Laughter! What?

Bestie: When the DJ said, “How low can you go?” Did you go too low?

Me:  Laughter! It was at the seriousness of the question.

Bestie:  Joined in on the laughter and added: “you go low all of the time at the gym.”

Me:  Well, If I’m a cripple, I’m glad it’s from something as fun as going too low.

Me & Bestie:  Laughter!

0856954c92e33680ca1bbc0235a04e50The lesson here folks is to make sure you say YES more often. Saying NO is safe, but lord knows it’s dull. Challenge yourself! Easier said than done, but necessary.

Say “yes” to new experiences, new people and new adventures. You’ll be surprised at how much you learn about yourself just by agreeing to learn about someone or something else. Learning is good.

If I played it safe with this invitation, sure I might have had milk for my cereal in the morning, but I would never have these amazing memories, not to mention this meme. Milk is highly overrated anyway.

Say YES and Enjoy the Ride!

 

Cosmic Comedian

imagesMy weekend kicked off with what I would consider a Hyper-Sensitive day. No, I wasn’t leaving my tears all over Philly, but I was overly in touch to what was going on around me. Some of which could have left tears. 

Keep in mind what you are about to read occurred on an 8-minute ride.

I was on my way to pick up my mom for our weekly food shopping extravaganza when I noticed a “man” walking down a very busy boulevard in my area. What made me question his humanness was the fact that he was wrapped in a white bath towel from head to toe and the resemblance to E.T. was uncanny. Call Home …. Please.

fc3b0b642ab3c9934d9e1f0e77fd8994Next stop the red-light. When you’re in hyper-sensitive mode this can be a whole new experience.

As I was sitting at what seemed like the longest light in the world, a woman crossed in front of my car. She was dressed in full Muslim garb, which isn’t something out of the ordinary these days, however the extreme hooker heels peeking out from under that garb took me by surprise. I could feel the blisters forming with each step. These shoes came right out of Lady Gaga’s closet! 

Still adjusting my eyes from the hooker heels I made my left turn where I had the pleasure of sitting at yet another red light.  This is where a minivan pulled up next to me trying way too hard to be cool. I thought minivans are where coolness goes to die. 

This poor guy had all the windows open with the radio blasting on what may be the worst sound system on the planet. His song of choice for all of us within listening distance was Pitbull’s Culo. Here is a sample of my horror:

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Lets go (Let’s go)

Right about now, we need all the ladies to hit the danceflo’ (Dominicana)

If you got a big ol’ booty (Cubana, Mexicana)

And you like to set that motherfucker, let’s go! (Colombiana) (Boricua) Pitbull, Lil’ Jon, Heey, Heey!

The fact that I recognized this song might be the scariest part of the experience!

zombie on carThe car behind me couldn’t get away from the impromptu concert fast enough. It just zoomed right in front of me when the light changed. But no worries she found herself next to me at the next light. So predictable. 

When this happens we are obligated to turn and acknowledge such drivers with an expressionless glare a/k/a victory.

What I was not prepared for was the zombie decal covering the entire window glaring back at me. At first I thought it was sporting a friendly peace sign, then I realized it’s clawing to be released. WTF! 

Once I put my heart back in place the light turned green and the Zombie mobile cut in front of me again. As I tried to justify the big hurry I noticed a gold glittered dog bone magnet that read “Groomer” going across the trunk of her car. Ok, maybe the crazy driving is due to a grooming emergency.  Superman1

Just when I thought I was safe she erratically turned into an apartment parking lot. At this point, I was really hoping to see a matted dog waiting for her assistance. Sadly for my corneas the only thing waiting was a young man in a Superman stance sporting an erection. Yerp!

This is when I decided to pause, opposed to heading straight for the nearest pole. There had to be some sort of lesson hidden within all this crazy. What was CC or that cosmic comedian better known as the universe trying to tell me?

M E M O

To:  Lisa

From: CC

Subject: Lessons

____________________________________________________________________________

1.  Wearing a bath towel on the boulevard was a reminder to stop letting the opinions of others fuel my journey;

2.  Hidden hooker heels could have been a sign to stop holding back and just let my inner hooker heels shine;

3.  Poor minivan guy was a little nudge to be more of myself in spite of my current surroundings;

4.  The zombie desperately trying to escape was really me knowing that it’s indeed time to move forward; and

5.  Erection guy’s message was loud and clear. Confidence is the key to making your dreams come true.

Enjoy the Ride!

Mind Moseying

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If pondering had a face

pon·der verb gerund or present participle: pondering think about (something) carefully, especially before making a decision or reaching a conclusion.

I tend to ponder when I’m driving from point A to point B. I’m not solving world peace or hunger on my commute to work, I’m not that deep. However, outside of the shower, this is where my mind likes to chat it up.

My thoughts are more about things that happened in my daily life that decided to linger. Nothing earth shattering, just random thoughts that mosey through my head. Yes, I know I’m lucky to get to B in one piece

  • No matter how many times I feed my dogs organic, non-GMO, antibiotic, hormone & cage free chicken products, they will always get more joy eating petrified geese turds. I wonder if they freeze well …
  • I witnessed a loaf of 12 grain bread sitting on the yellow line of a road for 4 solid days. It looked as if it was there with purpose. On day one it was interesting. On day 4 I was considering calling in a CSI team. So you can image what it was like on day 5 when it disappeared. That’s right, I died a little inside. What was your story grainy, what was your story? I will never know.
  • Nothing in this world is guaranteed except knowing that you’ll see at least one person, who is the shade of plain yogurt, wearing flip-flops the first time the thermometer turns 60 after a long winter. This is never pretty…ever.
  • The humor I find in farts is a little over the top for my age group, however I find no humor in people covering them up with a shot of Febreze. The fake rain & meadows scent only enhances the fumes. This I know for a fact, but please do not ask how unless you think I can get workman’s compensation for my troubles.
  • Peanut loves to climb up on my lap and sit like a human. So I decided to reenact a scene from the movie The Help. “You is smart” “You is kind” “You is important” My sister responded to me with “You is cray” and my daughter “You needs an infant.” Maybe it was a little over the top … maybe.
  • Getting the double finger because I didn’t turn right on red into the oncoming traffic is one thing. Having it happen by a woman with a Jesus statue hanging from her rearview mirror, well that was just priceless. Jesus really has his hands full these days.
  • I should have given my hiatus living muscles a heads up that I was jumping back into a full-blown workout routine this week. There is always a price and in this case the price is PAIN.
  • Switching cable providers in 2015 should be a stress free experience, yet it left me planning a campaign to bring reading books by candlelight back on the table. Pioneers knew the deal.
  • Every day I pass a group of cars parked on the shoulder of the road with people smoking inside. It looks like an inferno inside each vehicle. They do this because the building they work in recently went smoke-free. Driving to catch a smoke is truly a hardcore commitment.
  • With Passover & Easter hitting the circuit on the same weekend traffic has been very heavy; stores have been full and people have been very rude. A triple play of hypocrisy. Crucifixions really need to make a come back, seriously.

After pondering on this list I’ve concluded that maybe it’s time to invest in some audio books for my commute. But for now, I’ll just keep the wheels turning. Who knows maybe something earth shattering will mosey in and save the world. Stranger things have happened ya know.

Until then I’ll … Enjoy the Ride!

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