The Pain of a Pleasantry
What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.
How are you? It seems easy enough, but it’s a farce. I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t answer honestly. My automatic response is, “good, how about you?” Lies, all lies.
Over the years, I’ve learned that this can be a loaded question, especially sitting at the front desk at a doctor’s office. The elder community can be real comedians when they’re hit with this question; responding with “well, I’m vertical” or “how much time do you have?” without missing a beat always made me laugh, so I guess it has some good qualities. Take your show on the road, folks.
It comes down to the fact that this question is nothing more than a pleasantry. If we all answered it honestly, nothing would ever get done. The world would be one extensive therapy session after another. There aren’t enough sofas to handle that.
I take this question to another level, especially from someone I genuinely care about. The world’s weight could be on my shoulders, but I’ll never burden them with the truth. “I’m fine” is my go-to response because it’s easier than reality. Child trauma in the house.
I’ve learned that this is a conditioned reaction, and I’ve been trying to unlearn it over the years, but some situations arise where clamming up is more comforting than spilling my guts. Ironically, those closest to me know when I’m a clam, so I’m not even good at it; I just think I am. I’m such a Pisces.
Breaking these dysfunctional habits is a process and a long, complicated one at that. As always, recognizing the problem is the first step. Next is the unlearning process.
One of my favorite quotes on this subject comes from the book “The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse” by Charles Mackesy.
I wonder if there is a school of unlearning?
Recently, I took an accelerated course in unlearning. Have you heard of it? Oh, it’s crazy, and the class comes to you at the most inappropriate time. I was driving on a busy highway to see my granddaughter. My sister called, and I suddenly thought I was dying while we talked via Bluetooth. Oh, yeah, it’s called accelerated for a reason.
I pulled over and listened to my sister recite breathing instructions, prayers, and pearls of wisdom for almost 2 hours before my son arrived.
So, back to our original programming. The reason I hate to be asked, “How are you?” It’s a trigger. Yep, three little words sure know how to pack a punch. While I get back to doing my best to openly communicate my emotions without the fear of judgment or criticism, please, take the time to Enjoy the Ride!
Share this:
What A Way To Make A Livin
Do you enjoy your job?
Yes, yes, I do, and as a matter of fact, I’ve always enjoyed my jobs. Let me explain.
My first job as a teenager was at a linen store. This store only sold curtains, bedding, and towels. I know it sounds crazy since you’re able to buy eggs and sheets in the same building today, but there was a time when that was unacceptable.
At 15 years old, I didn’t know a damn thing about curtains other than they went on windows, but I worked with Mary, an older woman, who taught me everything I needed to know, and Shannon, who was a little older than me with hair like Marsha Brady. It was a win/win job, and I enjoyed it.
My real-world job started 3 days after I graduated from High School. I went from a classroom of all girls my age to an office where ages ranged from 18 to senior citizens.
I learned so much in my 7 years there; most had nothing to do with the job. This is where I learned about life. It was sort of like going to college but without grades and tuition.
Working there led me to a grand opportunity at a law firm. Oh, how I loved working in that environment! It was challenging and intense at times, but it is where I met a group of people who encouraged me to grow in many different directions, many of whom I’m still friends with today.
While working there, I got married and started a family. It was clear early on that I would not be able to be at the beck and call of this office and raise my children, so I left to take the position of a Domestic Engineer, a/k/a a stay-at-home mom of two under two.
Lord knows being at an office daily would be easier, and the big fat paycheck would be the icing on the cake, but in my heart, I knew that working for those two adorable tyrants would be worth it in the long run.
Now I’m at the point where my job will not make or break me. It’s something to keep me occupied until I hit retirement age. It’s interesting. It’s a mix of ages, which I love. It’s 6 minutes from my house, and I get paid to be there 5 hours a day, 4 days a week, which allows me plenty of freedom. It’s hard not to enjoy this gig.
I’ve learned from the young people in my life that they think about work in another light. If they’re not enjoying their job, they’re not hanging around to determine if it will change. They are out the door without batting an eye, which is much different from my generational thinking. Who knew you could just leave?
Enjoy the Ride!
Share this:
I Say Goodbye, You Say Hello
Describe the last difficult “goodbye” you said.
Hmm, well, this is an unfortunately easy one for me to answer.
I said goodbye to my mom on 12/4/2020. Correction, 12/2, 12/3, and 12/4. I didn’t get the memo that death isn’t quick and peaceful like in the movies. You heard it here; it’s NOT.
On 12/2, I sat on a loveseat in my family room, watching my mother “sleep” in her bed. I talked about our good times together, especially our vacations at the shore with my kids and how much fun we had shell hunting and playing in the sand. I thanked her for being such a good mom for so long.
On 12/3, while sitting on that same loveseat, mom seemed very agitated, not peaceful. At one point, she screamed, “MOM, MOM!” with desperation so loud my daughter flew down the steps thinking it was me screaming. This was shocking because my mother was an orphan who had never seen so much as a photo of her own mother. It took us a minute to absorb what had just happened, and without saying a word, I returned to staring at the person I loved the longest, and my daughter returned to her work.
Have you ever cried so much you started wondering how many tears a human being has in their body? This was the theme of day 3. At 4:00 p.m. on 12/4/202, the tears of sorrow were replaced with relief for my mother and me.
In hindsight, I recognize that all the circumstances leading up to that goodbye happened for my benefit. However, the longevity of her life filled those final days with all sorts of emotions. As I was saying goodbye to a mother, I was fortunate enough to have, for 50-plus years, my mother had to leave this world at 94 to say hello to hers.
Enjoy the Ride!
Share this:
Groundhog Day
What is the biggest challenge you will face in the next six months?
I’m not sure this will be the “biggest,” but it’s something I find challenging.
Remember the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray living each day in a time loop? Well, that’s my challenge for the next six months and forever. Breaking free from the loop.
Every day I wake up grateful for my day. I pray and ask for protection, peace of mind, and mercy to get me through. I ask that this day be a better day than the one before it, and then it begins.
Challenges approach like Ninja’s to assist in my growth. Let’s just say some days are much better than others. But isn’t that what it’s all about? Learning, changing, and growing into the best versions of ourselves.
Relearning. Restricting. Pausing. These three know how to keep a girl on her toes. Sometimes I’m successful; other days, I feel like I’ve fought a war.
So, I will continue this journey to elevate my consciousness over the next six months. The challenge will be recognizing that the challenges I face along the way are coming from a place of lack, fear, and doubt, and I will need to pause before reacting with my comfortable reactive responses.
Enjoy the Ride!
Share this:
Morning Dawdler #16
Here is Rory’s latest set of questions:
Who do you think you might be in an alternate universe?
Everything fear prevented me from being while I was in this universe. The sky would be the limit!
What would be the most surreal situation you could imagine finding yourself in?
Going viral in a way that would bring joy to an enormous amount of people. I enjoy watching viral videos of babies, animals, and unsuspecting musical artists.
You won!!
You have five minutes for a Supermarket Dash in the FoodHall – what will you fill your trolley/shopping cart with?
Everything organic that I could freeze to last.
You have 60 minutes to hide 50 million in hard currency [Notes] in your house – where would you put the money/cash – to avoid detection?
Now, wait a minute, what if I do win? You and everyone else will know where to look. Sounds like the plan of a Mastermind to me. Well played, Rory; well played indeed.
Enjoy the Ride!
Share this:
Growth ans Fireflies
My sister is in the process of moving, most likely a plane ride away. Over the past two years, we’ve endlessly talked about her plans while I was processing my own.
A lot of significant changes were on the table. Relationship status, home sales, employment, and aging into a new decade.
Along the way, there were ups and downs, and all around with it, but in the end, everything fell into place as intended.
Now that we’re in the final stretch, the reality of getting on a plane to visit is sinking in on my end.
At 15 months apart, we were raised like twins dressing alike and doing everything together until our teenage years when we had different circles. As we grew into ourselves, we were back together again, having our children together and, most recently, becoming grandmothers.
We’ve been so busy cheering each other on that I haven’t thought about the enormity of this potential distance apart. Yes, I’m happy, proud, and excited about her future ventures, but suddenly I feel nostalgic about what was.
These feelings showed up in my dream last night. I dreamt I was approached by someone requesting I write a passage for their book. It was based on a missing woman, and I was to write it as if I knew the character when we were children. This is how it went.
We were two little girls with big imaginations playing in the basement of our rowhome. We always had each other, never needing outside playmates. As the younger of the duo, I would pretend to be a mother of 4 at the tender age of 9, providing our dolls with the nurturing they deserved. At the same time, my sister, who loved school, bypassed the teacher and went directly to playing a principal, making policy changes, and firing the Barbie and Dawn doll staff members.
On hot Summer nights, fresh from the bath and dressed in matching babydoll pajamas, we would grab our Maxwell House coffee cans with holes punched in the lids to catch fireflies in our yard. We went as far as adding grass to eat while they were being held captive, then, after counting our inventory, we let them go before heading to bed.
I woke up with mixed emotions as I wrote everything down not to forget a signal detail. It shook me on some level. The passages were vivid, and the memories were something I hadn’t thought about in decades. Why now?
Laying in bed, eyes wide open, I thought about those two little girls in the basement. Those roles now look more like survivor skills. Me providing the nurturing, I hungered while my sister did her best to gain control that was nowhere to be found in our house, both happening as we were still playful little girls catching fireflies.
Like us, our parents did the best they could with the knowledge they had at the time. I’m grateful for the consciousness to recognize this for what it is without casting blame on myself or my parents.
Now, off to work where things won’t be so deep ❤
Enjoy the Ride!
Share this:
Has a Book Changed Your Life?
This question comes via the WordPress Bloganuary challenge for January 10th.
I’m just a day late and a dollar short, but I’m here now.
I’ve read many books, but to be honest, I read to be entertained. If it contains sex, scandal, or humor, I’m hooked, and I occasionally come across a biography or memoir that, if juicy enough, will grab me.
However, one book that is a constant in my home is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. A pearl of wisdom if there ever was one.
It changed the way I think and act in my daily life. Not every day, but I do my best.
It’s a reminder that life can be simple, but like anything else, you must be willing to do the work. Hence the fact that this book sits on a table in clear view. Too bad it doesn’t scream because I’ll admit, I don’t always look in that direction.
Enjoy the Ride!
Share this:
The Morning Dawdler, 1/10/22
The Morning Dawdler is Season 2 of Questions Over Coffee with Rory.
There is something about the word dawdler that I find attractive. Anyway, that’s what I’m doing over here before I head out to work.
Can you find the mistake in this lineup A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z?
Oh, aren’t you tricky? The double the in the question is the mistake. But, I will admit, I examined the alphabet for far too long.
What old-fashioned way of doing things is better than how they are currently done?
Having Sunday family dinners. Not just with our immediate families, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. This connection provided an opportunity to connect, converse and sometimes solve world problems. Today, you’re doomed if your older relatives are not on FaceBook.
Are we consuming too much information and data, and is the modern world bad for us?
Yes! I, for one, have stopped doomscrolling and don’t watch the news. Removing these two things from my life has helped me tremendously. Negativity has a way of creeping in on its own; I don’t need to hand it the keys.
If global warming continues, what will happen in the future?
I have faith in the fact that some brilliant climate-conscious folks are working hard behind the scenes to ensure this does not happen. In the meantime, our small efforts add significant changes, and we should continue implementing them daily.
Share this:
Big Green Tub
Word of the day challenge using the convenient choice of the phrase Ornament.
Every year I grow excited when I drag the big green tub labeled “ornaments” from storage. I pop the lid, knowing, but I wonder what I’ll find. Why? A lot has happened since I closed the lid approximately 358 days ago. I’m questioning why I entered a room, for god sake.
I’ll admit that opening the lid was met with little enthusiasm over the past two years. In 2020, my mother had just passed on the 4th of December. My holiday spirit was not present, followed by 2021, when we spent the holidays without family, in an apartment, preparing to move for the second time. Bah Humbug!
However, who was back in town this holiday season? You guessed it, Christine Cringle appeared with a cheerful spirit leading the way as she popped that big green lid. Time lessens the blow.
This year I took extra care as I hung all of our ornaments, starting with the story of notable “firsts” in our lives ranging from our first Christmas together in 1988 to the first one spent as grandparents in 2022. With many in between.
They tell tales from our many family vacations or when our son was obsessed with trains, and our daughter received her black belt in Taekwondo.
We have ornaments from family, friends, neighbors, and even co-workers. They range from a worn Daisy Duck from my sister’s trip to California, a stack of books from the NY Public Library, a Rockette and a glass Ruth Bader Ginsburg from a friend in NYC, to a worn-out toybox from a former boss over 30 years ago and too many snowmen to count from friends.
The unique ornaments donning our names on snowmen, reindeer, and penguins, while our pets have theirs shining on jeweled crowns, are clear reminders of who rules this roost. It’s certainly not the penguins.
Of course, our tree wouldn’t be the same without memorial cardinals representing those celebrating from another realm, including our Chester, who crossed the rainbow bridge years ago.
Then there are the ones representing colleges, sororities, and hobbies, including vehicles from bicycles to motorcycles that always bring a smile and a pause. How many years passed?
For many reasons, I still shake my head at the deer dressed in orange camouflage riding a quad. Why is this even an ornament? But, I reluctantly hang it every year to note the time my son thought he wanted to hunt until he did and decided it wasn’t his thing. Removing history doesn’t change the fact that it happened.
I hang the eldest of our balls last, each year adding more gray hair from the fear of dropping one. Lord knows the survivors have seen many of their comrades hit the floor compliments of kids, pets, and my man hands. Part of me thinks they plunge from the branches on their own.
Although all of the above are loved beyond measure and guaranteed to spread joy throughout the season, the popsicle stick manger and one-eyed reindeer made by little loving hands many moons ago remain favorites.
Enjoy the Ride!
Share this:
Question Time Over Coffee 24th December
Tonight it’s hot chocolate for me, with a dash of egg nog and whipped cream. Rory is our generous host, and you can join in here to answer some inquisitive questions.
1. Are you more socially or community-minded regarding people, or do you not think there is a difference between the two?
I’d like to think I’m both. I care about the folks close to me and those in the community.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how ethically minded do you think you are?
What behavior do you consider to be ethical?
Hmm, I believe I once was ethical to a fault, probably a 10, due to being conditioned to fear not following the appropriate rules of society compliments of my Catholic upbringing. Now I take the hypocrisy of those teachings into account and drop myself down to a 7.
3. Tattoos are a very personal lifestyle choice by those who have their bodies inked.
So – Do you think tattoos make people more confident or less?
Do tattoos look good on everyone?
I don’t think it’s a matter of confidence, especially today when young people don’t think twice about inking up. My son got his first one when he turned 18. He now has an arm sleeve with an ocean theme and a leg sporting a wilderness theme. It has not stopped him from being a successful member of society.
I think some tattoos look better on some people; for instance, Jason Momoa could sport a turd across his chest, which would be stunning.
4. What enrichment do you personally receive from being social?
Have you become noticeably more socially isolated or socially interactive after the pandemic and the lockdowns? There may be no difference in your social behaviour; if this is the case, let me know below.
I get energized from being social. It doesn’t matter if it’s a brief conversation at the supermarket or a deep conversation with a friend.
I think, if anything, I’ve become more socially selective. The lockdowns certainly spotlighted who and who I don’t want around me. I believe this resulted from my learning more about myself during that time.
5. What would be your top sustainability tip?
Be consistent, and don’t think that your one small change can’t make a difference.
6. We live in a world that treats being open and vulnerable as a taboo and something to be frowned upon, so –
Do you find it easy or hard to talk to your friends and family about your health?
I was raised in a generation where things were not discussed; they were buried under a rug. Therefore, being vulnerable was not front and center. I don’t have a problem discussing health, but I admit I don’t discuss it with everyone.
The younger generations today seem very open, almost shocking us when they start dropping their vulnerability. I love that they feel free enough to do so.
7. What will you be doing this weekend?
Our daughter is in town for the holiday. Today we did some volunteering and went out to a late lunch. Tomorrow we plan to have a big breakfast, open gifts, and go for a walk once the temperature hits 30. It’s brutally cold here today, so staying warm is also on the list.
8. As the writer and author of your blog, how connected do you feel to your audience?
It’s funny you asked this question. I was just saying I feel closer to some of my fellow bloggers, whom I’ve never met, than I do to those in my life.
9. Does your blog reveal too much, too little, or just the right balance of you to your readers?
It’s a potpourri of information.
10. If you were granted a day at being one of your favorite book characters, who would you choose to be and why?
Ok, my choice comes from a series of children’s books I read to my daughter called Eloise. I loved her spunk and the fact that she lived in the Plaza Hotel in NYC.
11. What do you believe is the greatest threat to our planet today?
People
Life With The Top Down 
You must be logged in to post a comment.