In The Blink Of An Eye
We all know the saying. We’ve all used it to describe various things in our lives. Those of us with children know it well. Somehow watching our children go from bottles to red Solo cups overnight.
The seasons always leave us with this phrase, especially summer, which seems to be running out of Dodge faster each year. One minute we’re watching fireworks, the next we’re trying to escape a pumpkin invasion.
The holidays use to leave us with this feeling, however, now that Christmas hits the stores before Halloween it’s no longer the case. The Christmas season officially lasts longer than most relationships.
These are examples of what I consider a natural course in change. They are as comfortable as that old sweatshirt in our closets.
But what about those other moments? You know, the ones that leave us numb in disbelief. The moments that leave us repeatedly asking “what just happened?” A vast majority have been doing this since Tuesday.
All I know is that NOTHING could have prepared me for life changing, blink of an eye, roller coaster ride I’ve been living for the past few weeks. By the way, I hate roller coasters in and outside of the amusement park.
October 12th was nothing short of a typical day in the life of me. Morning chores, work, and home. Boring at best.
I called my husband to let him know I was on my way. Everything was normal at 6:11 p.m. When I arrived home at 6:27 I was met by my daughter outside of the house. She said that my husband was screaming, cursing and acting crazy. Out of character was an understatement.
When I walked in to try to find out what was going on it escalated. So, I got the fur babies ready for a walk, and off we went while that fire simmered down. If they could talk, maybe I could have gotten a heads up.
While out on the walk I received a text stating “I’m moving on.” WHAT?!
I called home only to hear a voice I never heard before informing me that he is “done” “moving on.” I ran with the fur babies in tow, possibly airborne, with my heart in my stomach back to the house.
How did I go from saying “I’m on my way home “to screaming “What is happening?”
How did I go from hearing “I’m feeding the dogs” to “I’m moving on.”?
How did I go from walking my dogs to pulling pills out of the mouth of the man I love?
How did I go from a hum drum day to rushing into an ER?
How did I go from worrying about bullshit to making life-changing decisions?
How did I go from thinking everything was fine to feeling like I was hit with a bat?
How did I go from seeing the strength in my husband’s eyes to staring at his weakness?
How did I go from a happy go lucky girl to a sleepless shell?
I don’t have the answers to all of these questions just yet, but I have hope.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I have faith.
I don’t know how to live my new normal, but I have an open mind.
I don’t know if we’ll be ok, but we have our love.
I don’t know how I was blind, but now I can see.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I’m trying.
I DO know that I have 99 problems, but my new perspective won’t allow Donald Trump to be one of them, and for that, I am grateful.
Enjoy the Ride … one speed bump at a time!
4 Loose Tiles
There has been a lot of activity going on here at the homestead. 23 years and not one has passed without some sort of project, so why should this year be any different. Because maybe I need a break.
I had no idea about this project until I saw the sketches. Notice that is plural.
One minute I’m attending an open house, and the next there are steel beams being erected in my yard. Confused? Me too.
Sooooooo, after a very long process the ground was broken, just in time for the holidays. Thank you Mother Nature.
What woman doesn’t want to clean-up never ending dirt during the holidays? The answer is … NONE OF THEM!
My friends, neighbors and anyone who sees our house, constantly remind me how “lucky” I am to have such a “handy guy.” Handy is fixing a pipe, I have someone who sees a mantle inside of a tree stump.
It’s not that I’m ungrateful or that I won’t be over the moon with the results, it’s the lonely road in between that does me in. I’m a Home Improvement Widow!
During these periods of “tinkering”, we can sit in the same room and one of us (not me) has no recollection of that period of time.Why? Because the wheels are spinning at a rate that I cannot even recognize. I’m surprised he doesn’t explode.
My life from now until the last stroke of the paintbrush will be solo. My other half is officially consumed into his project. His creative juices are percolating and his magic is about to be unleashed. Meanwhile over here ….
Legos for adults should really be a thing.
As if this enormous project wasn’t enough to occupy every waking moment, we had a recent mishap in our bathroom. 4 loose tiles to be exact. Remember that line.
The solution to this was put the masterpiece outback on hold, take a week of vacation time to “fix” the bathroom and you’ll be taking a shower in a week he said….
We only have one bathroom with a shower. The other bathroom has a beautiful spa tub. You know that saying “too much of a good thing won’t be good” it’s like that.
On the Saturday before the big fix I asked, and I quote: “Are you going to paint?” the response, which will be used by me every chance I get from now, until well … forever was “Yes, I’m going to paint.”
By the time I returned home Monday there was, let’s just say much more progress than I expected. Shock and awe were more like it.
There were FOUR loose tiles people.
Yes, he said he was going to “rearrange” the toilet and the sink.
No, he did NOT say anything about demolition … AT ALL! He said he was going to paint!!!
Needless to say, the week came and went. Progress is being made, but I’m still not showering or murdering.
The tile is down. The molding is up. The shower is on BACK ORDER. The toilet, sink and walls have not been spotted, but my patience is still intact. Hanging by a thread…but still on.
My favorite part about all of this is using my new Super Power. That’s right folks, the line “you said you were going to paint” is my new go to for everything ever wanted by yours truly.
Me: I think I’m going to order new cushions for the patio.
Hubby: Do we really need them?
Me: You said you were going to paint. They arrive Tuesday.
I just love the Yin/Yang of life!
Enjoy the Ride!
Over the weekend, we took a trip to The Philadelphia Auto Show … why? Well, because sometimes you do things in the name of love. There is a song all about it.
I knew my husband really wanted to go so I made the plans. Feel free to let out a big old awe!
I presented the plans to my husband, whom I thought would be over the moon, however that was not the case. No balloons or confetti to be found!
This is what happened next:
Me: I thought you wanted to go to the car show?
Husband: Yea, I do.
Me: So why do you look as if I just asked you to split an atom?
Husband: Because I can’t believe you want to go.
Me: Well, I really don’t want to go but I’m always dragging you places, so I thought why not.
Husband: Are you going to have “the face”?
Me: What face?
Husband: The Williamsburg Virginia face?
Me: Hahahahaha! You remember a face from 24 years ago, but no recollection if our son is currently in the house?
Husband: Well that face was memorable.
Me: Silence. Can’t argue that truth bomb!
I roamed the streets of Williamsburg VA., dreaming of all the other things I could be doing while the husband looked at EVERY SINGLE artifact in awe. Omg! The flashback is too much!
Don’t even get me started on the women making candles …. I can’t!
So, what does a good wife do? She promises not to have the Williamsburg face, but will not guarantee a lesser state of boredom face. Win win.
We went. We looked. We left. Oh and we overpaid for a soft pretzel that should have been made of gold dough!
On the way home I couldn’t wait to ask the million dollar question:
Me: How was my face?
Me: Come on I thought I did really well.
Husband: Yea, I guess it wasn’t too bad.
Me: “Wasn’t too bad!” I thought I held it in pretty well.
Husband: Yea, you did better than Virginia.
Me: In my defense I don’t care about new cars. In fact, the smell makes me sick. I just care that my car starts and gets me to my destination. Although I did like the speedometer on that Mini Cooper and the red seats in the Jaguar were cool, but I was much more interested in the people.
Husband: In that case you were very happy.
Me: Did you see the empty Gatorade bottle in the Mercedes?
Me: Did you see that guy with the gauges in his earlobes down to his shoulders.
Me: How about the pack of Newports in the Lexus?
Me: Umm … the guy with the tear drop tattoos on his face taking selfies in the Hummer?
Me: Were we at the same show?
Husband: Apparently not.
It doesn’t matter where we were or what we were doing that day, we still had a great time just being together … Enjoying the Ride!
Daily Prompt: Lonely Lust
What’s the most time you’ve ever spent apart from your favorite person?
Well, my favorite person is my husband and the most time spent apart was 7 days. Yes, 7 long lonely days. The thing you need to understand is that for years my husband had a job that required him to start at some god forsaken hour, leaving him to return early in the day. This provided us an opportunity to spend an unusual amount of time together, which we enjoyed as a couple and a family. Eventually all good things must come to an end.
A few years back the hubby’s body gave him a heads-up that it really wasn’t willing to continue taking the daily beatings anymore. This was followed by a very serious ultimatum “it’s the job or me.” So,when opportunity knocked, he answered. The only downfall to the new career were the mandatory trainings throughout the year that required time away from home. The perks far outweighed this minor inconvenience, so he signed on the dotted line. This fact is true right up until that point when you are actually inconvenienced, then it’s a pain in the ass.
I can’t even explain the ache when he was getting ready for his first 7-day training trip. Let’s just say one might assume he was going to moon, not Indiana. As you already guessed by now yes, I SURVIVED.
The best part of the entire separation was the anticipation for his return. I could just about contain my excitement ! It was equivalent to Christmas morning for a 6-year-old. I arrived at the airport early, which left me with the added pleasure of circling a million times while burning a half a tank of gas and no doubt looking very suspicious to the authorities. The unusually large grin on my face probably didn’t help the suspected crazy.
Finally, I got the call “the Eagle has landed.” Woo Hoo! I circled one last time, picked-up my man and headed home sweet home. Remember that anticipation I mentioned earlier? Well it exploded right there in the car and we were suddenly like two hormone induced teenagers. The trip was not nearly as long as that drive home!
The universe was working in our favor that day. The kids were at school, the dog was snoring and well, I think I’ll let my man Marvin Gaye end this story. Sometimes a little alone time does the heart & soul good! Enjoy the Ride!
No Time For Crazy
There are two personalities out there the Just Do It crew and the Let Me Think About It crowd. I fall into the first group, however the husband does not. His style is to spend months researching every angle of every piece of information ever printed on a product before the final decision is made. My style is more of a see it, like it, buy it approach.
Now, these characteristics can compliment each other or drive one of the parties crazy, it really depends on the situation. Yesterday I was thinking about one of the “extreme” situations that went down in this house. The demise of the rodent. My plan was simple “get rid of it” the other plan was equivalent to something you might see in a Pentagon war room.
NOTE: THIS IS THE PG-13 RATED VERSION. THE REAL VERSION RESEMBLES THE SCRIPT TO SCARFACE OR CASINIO.
Somehow this thing entered our home, we didn’t know what it was, but I wanted it to be gone. The hubby needs to know what it is, how it entered, what it’s been doing, how he will get rid of it and the assurance that “it” or nothing else will ever enter our home again, without an invitation. Let the hunt begin!
He starts tearing everything apart looking for droppings, which he then took to a
shitologist somewhere to be analyzed to determine what sort of creature he is hunting. The very bad news was we were dealing with a “R”. No, not a raccoon. I refuse to say it! You’ll have to use your imagination. HINT: It rhymes with bat. Ugh..the thought freaks me out so you can magnify my feeling by 100 and that is how much it freaked out the husband.
We couldn’t understand why our Beagle Chester wasn’t going crazy for a scent. He should have been sniffing this thing out. I came to the conclusion that while we were at work, he was most likely tied to a chair and told to keep his f”n mouth closed. That’s how “R’s” roll. Poor thing was probably scared to death. To this day I swear I saw remnants of duct tape on his paws.
My solution was poison. Don’t the words “R” and Poison go together like Peanut-butter and Jelly? His solution started with taking up the entire kitchen floor! I’ll leave out the part, or maybe not, where he slipped on a beam and crushed his man globes…that really didn’t help matters.
Next came inserting smoke bombs into the ceiling, in hopes this thing would come crawling out gasping for air…NOT. My joke about it having a gas mask wasn’t received very well…except by me. I was entertained for hours. At this point I came up with a plan “B” , which was another simple answer …”let’s move.” It would have been so much easier than dismantling the ceiling downstairs to set traps.
This is where things took a turn right into Crazy Town. It was driving the hubby insane! Our house was dismantled and this creature was clearly laughing his furry ass off the whole time.
Next came the internet research on the characteristics of this creature, trying to figure out how the brain of a “R” operates. He was going to get inside its head. Seriously, I had looney tune town on speed dial at this point. Brace yourself for what happened next…
I woke up in the middle of the night and the hubby is not in bed. My first thought was…”Oh no!” I went downstairs and was not prepared for what I saw…My “husband” was sitting on the kitchen table, in the dark, in his underwear, with a gun (pellet gun borrowed from our neighbor) waiting. Ok, now do you understand the level of insanity? He was one rocking motion away from being committed, by me. This mission failed…you really don’t want the details.
FINALLY, my plan was considered and the poison was purchased. He placed it in 5 places and documented the locations of the poison. I would never have thought to do that! He was home from work that day, I on the other hand made a mad dash out of Crazy Town and happily went to my job. Next thing you know I received a phone call that went like this:
Hubby: “I think it ate the poison”
Me: “How do you know?”
Hubby: “I think I hear it coughing, I feel so bad”
Me: “Can you hold a second?” “Coughing I hope the f”n thing chokes! Bad? Yea, I feel real f ‘n bad that I’m not home stomping the f’n fur ball to death myself! “ “Hey, thanks for holding, sorry about that. I can’t believe you feel bad, 2 nights ago you were sitting on the kitchen table, in the dark, with a gun in your hand.”
Hubby: “I know but it sounds like it’s suffering”
Me: “I’ve been suffering since this f”n fur bag entered our house!”
Hubby: “Shhh, I think the coughing is slowing down”
Me: “Just get a pillow and finish the job!” I’ve been pushed to a Robert DeNiro level!
Hubby: “I think it’s dead..ugh I feel so bad now”
Me: “I want to see the body when I get home, I need to know it’s dead”
Hubby: “Don’t you feel bad?” Me: “NO!”
This is the sort of
shit challenge that could make of break a marriage, honest to God! To this day he feels bad, meanwhile I’m always scouting out good places to dump the body…just in case the need should arise.
Yes, the kitchen floor was remodeled, the phone wires were replaced, the dishwasher was re-wired, the basement ceiling was fixed and my home was clean from top to bottom….literally. (Hubby can fix/remodel/design anything)
In the end we both got a better understanding of what makes us tick. I’ve learned to ponder on things a little more, while the husband was
told to realized he needs to stop making things so complicated. Chillax and Enjoy the Ride!
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