Who Am I?
All morning I pondered on the question:
At what point did my life turn from waking up on a Saturday morning wondering what exactly did I do last night, to waking up thinking what container am I going to use for a fecal sample? Who am I …. really now?
No doubt there have been thousands of questionable comparisons over the years, but this was literally my first thought of the day. Life is too short people!
The longer I stayed in bed contemplating container options, the weirder it got.
You see, the fecal matter in question was being collected on behalf of my fur balls. That’s right ladies & gents, then I had to transport it, along with the fur balls, to the Vet for examination. Why?
Well, because I recently applied, yes APPLIED, for them to attend a Doggie Daycare and I need to provide evidence that they are indeed the healthy canines I claimed they were on their application. Because applying for colleges wasn’t stressful enough.
This all started because of some upcoming events that will leave my little lumps of love alone for a long stretch of time, and because we are wonderful parents we made the decision to investigate some options that would allow our little guys some outside loving hands and play time while we’re gone. Yes, we are still talking about pets.
After conversations with other pet owners, and the review of endless online accolades, we decided to give Camp Bow Wow the opportunity to care for Peanut & Landon in our absence. Not quite that easy.
My initial inquiry prompted an email with instructions that are equivalent to completing a FASFA application x’s 2. I have a new respect for parents of twins.
Aside from providing normal information such as an emergency contact, I was also required to describe how my guys interact with large dogs, people and disclose if they have ever been exposed to a group of 8 or more dogs. According to my responses I have successfully raised 2 sheltered homeschooled dogs.
Seriously, you do not realize how weird you are with your pets until you see things like “Peanut a/k/a “P” loves people, other animals, and children. He is an all around social butterfly wherever he goes” in your own handwriting.
After submitting the applications, along with their clean bills of health, I was able to schedule their interview. Yes, you did read that correctly …. INTERVIEW.
They are to report to Camp Bow Wow on Friday at 11:00 a.m. where they will be observed for 3 hours while I wait to hear if they’ve been accepted. Maybe there’s a bar nearby …
Personally, Camp Bow Wow should be honored to have my fur babies paws gracing their facility, but that’s the mother in me talking. Meanwhile, I’ll be scheduling an appointment with the Groomer so they look dapper for their big day.
Enjoy the Ride!
On Thursday I had to take the fur babies to the Vet for a dental procedure. Easier said than done friends.
The hardest part was leaving them there for the day. The fact that they were being held, while listening to how cute they were as they were kissed on the head made it easier … for them, not me.
The procedure is equivalent to human routine cleaning. Except dogs are knocked out cold.
My luv bugs had no pressing issues other than having breath with the scent of Satan’s anus due to tartar and plaque buildup. A mint will not help breath once it reaches the Satan anus level.
The tech informed me that I should be getting a call on their status after lunch. When 12:01 came and went my concern started. I waited until 2:30 before making the call to check on their status. A lifetime … it was a lifetime.
At that time I was told Landon was still being treated, Peanut was waking up nicely with a “beautiful smile” and the doctor would call when all was done. Perfect!
When the doctor called she was very kind. She informed me that no teeth needed to be
extracted, but that Landon had a “crooked canine tooth” that could give him trouble in the future. If she said he needed braces it would have sounded completely normal coming out her mouth.
Fast forward to 7 pm when we went to pick them up.
This is when I started to think we might be a little crazy. We were discussing looking forward to seeing their excitement. Somewhere in between packing their coats and leaving the car running so they wouldn’t be cold.
The thought of them being high as kites never really crossed our minds. Peanut came out crying like the drama king he is and Landon stared at nothing with a little smirk. They were officially the crying drunk and that one guy who went too far at the party.
While all this was going on in the waiting room the receptionist presented the bill. I’m pretty sure it was brought to the desk with a forklift, but we were too busy with our high dogs to notice.
All I do know is that when these luv bugs smile I need to see a SOLID GOLD GRILL.
That evening the messages of concern from friends were blowing up my phone. Inquiring if they were in any pain. Wondering if they were “ok”. Pet people flock together.
The responses are as follows:
Landon is happily staring at nothing. Loving every second.
Peanut is being held like a baby. Milking every second.
My wallet is the only thing in any sort of pain. It’s still shivering in the corner.
They are being waited on by their two human roommates. Being hand fed scrambled eggs.
As we approach Oscar season, please look for Peanut’s name on the list of actors being considered for the ultra dramatic role as “dog who had his teeth cleaned.” This little guy has put Bette Davis to SHAME over the past few days.
Sport your smiles and Enjoy the Ride!
Spring, With A Side Of Summer
Spring has sprung here in Philly, with a side of Summer.
Oh, there is chatter about “it” not being over, but “it” doesn’t matter once the thermometer reaches 80. Tootles Old Man Winter, until we meet again.
I’ve put together a little photo essay for the turn of seasons, even though it’s not official for a few more weeks.
First up …. Squirrels
Meet Sebastien a/k/a the nemesis to my two little innocent fur angels.
Sebastian L O V E S to just sit, stare and mock from the comforts of my deck furniture.
Yesterday, as Landon was barking his face off, Sebastien was enjoying a croissant on my swing. A croissant?
When I catch him in his beret smoking a cigarette and demanding a refill, I’ll be sure to share that photo. Where the hell did he get that croissant?
Everything is getting greener, with a splash of pink, purple & yellow of course.
You can always depend on the Crocus’s to arrive early to the party with a little hope in tow. They are certainly survivors and they never disappoint. I think they might be my spirit flower ….
These perfect beauties were posted to FaceBook by my friend. Feel free to smile.
I’ll just be over hear scratching my eyes and blowing my nose. Allergies…the dark side of Spring.
Oh yes, it’s true. While wildlife in my yard has been handing out cigars like the Duggars, my little Pee-Wee (Peanut) that has fallen hard right here in the house.
It’s Dogs Gone Wild over here at LWTTD!
Peanut suddenly started taking trips upstairs. He prefers to be carried like the King he is, so that raised a brow. Peanut sauntered down with a little swagger in his step. The only thing missing was the silk robe, cigarette & martini.
Like the good mother I am, I stalked his next trip. Sure enough, I caught him shacking up with a stuffed Lady Bug. Mother’s intuition is rarely wrong.
What I did not expect was the all out orgy I witnessed with the Lady Bug, Phillie Phanatic and the Scholar Owl. Or the fact that I yelled, “what are you doing?!”
Is this my life now? Hiding stuffed animals before I leave the house … apparently it is.
Peanut the poker-faced PLAYHA.
Honestly, the best part about this glorious weather has been open windows and sunbeams, just ask Landon.
Looks like today will be another beauty … Enjoy the Ride!
I’ve done an unofficial study of sorts over the past few months and it’s not my first. Just when you thought you knew me.
I’ve done several studies over the years, not that they find their way to a medical journal or get me a Nobel prize nomination, but I track certain things that raise an eyebrow because I feel like it. Interesting indeed I know.
My first study started several years ago when I read that the weakest part of a person born under the sign of Pisces, like me, is their feet. Why is that Lisa? Well, because the symbol for a Pisces is two fish and as we all know fish do not have feet. If you did not know that, please move along.
Since I just happen to work for a Podiatrist I started to take note on how many patients are born under the sign of Pisces. The answer is … a lot. I won’t bore you with graphs and charts because I don’t like being bored and they don’t exist.
Another study I’ve been working on is calculating the number of people who have Diabetes and Hypertension, again the answer is … a lot. Notice I keep my data very simple.
My latest investigation of sorts pertains to my two little love bugs Peanut and Landon. It never occurred to me until we got Landon, that Peanut is either gay, highly metrosexual or something else. As if I have all the time in the world.
These two are the Felix and Oscar of the canine world. Peanut always the serious rule follower and Landon, well he is just Landon.
DATA COMPILED TO DATE:
Peanut, when the slightest bit of dirt is on his paws, he walks directly into the shower stall and demands we cleanse the filth while Landon is under the impression that dirt builds character.
Peanut will then stand on a floor towel like cement until I get the blow dryer out to properly dry his feet and Landon is already out the door running in circles at 90 mph for a more natural approach.
My little Pee Wee also has a serious sense of fashion. Call me crazy, but it is true. This little guy loves to look dapper. While he enjoys sporting an occasional bow tie with his collar, his signature look is the turned-up collar of his coat. He hides behind the chair if I choose a less fashionable piece from his wardrobe.
As for Landon, he wears a coat out of necessity since he is the size of a snowflake and would most likely become popsicle if he weren’t wearing something to keep him warm, he opts for whatever we put on him.
Where do we even begin? Peanut waits patiently then walks quietly into the room to approach his bowl while Landon repeatedly checks on the status of his order and resembles a Mexican jumping bean until I put the bowl down.
Peanut is very selective in this department. Oh, he isn’t going to sniff any ole ass no sirree, they must be the right size, shape and color. Peanut has very high standards in this department.
Meanwhile, Landon is all over the first piece of fur that crosses his path. No need for names or numbers, if there is tail … he is all about that ass.
Dear Lord …
It occurred to me during the proofreading portion of this post, that Peanut is not gay or metrosexual, he has taken on the characteristics of MY HUSBAND. I feel another study coming on …
Do you realize what that means? I am Landon! A low maintenance social butterfly, who has been known to jump for food. I’m dying right now!
Life certainly is a trip … Enjoy the Ride!
This morning as I was trolling on Facebook I noticed that one of my friends posted an adorable photo of her two puppies Cosmo and Emma, but this time it was different. She included a well wishes to someone named Anthony. Hmm … further investigation was necessary.
After a few clicks I found out that her photos were actually part of a wonderful event Photo Doggies for Anthony. Anthony is a 16-year-old boy who is currently undergoing chemotherapy for acute lymphoblastic leukemia at the Phoenix Children’s Hospital.
As I was reading his story I found out that Anthony is a firm believer in the power of pet therapy and animal healing. I know my Peanut has wonderful nursing skills, so I can’t argue with that thought.
Therapy dogs are just not available every day for every patient, so some wonderful people in Anthony’s life came up with this incredible idea to have people send him pictures and videos of their dogs and some cats as well to cheer him up. Genius!
As I was scrolling through the photos, on this dreary Sunday morning, I found I was smiling. I’m not sure if it was from the photos of all the adorable doggies, the outpouring of love for this stranger or the confirmation that humanity is alive and well in this world, as long as you’re willing to recognize it.
Please take a moment to join in on this event. It will only take a nano second to click on the link above to send Anthony some love by posting a picture of the pet in your life.
Oh, wait what you don’t have a pet?
Poleze! You don’t have friends with pets? I’m sure you all have someone in your life willing to share their furry friend for a goo cause. That’s what I thought… umm hmm.
What the heck are you waiting for? Anthony is ready to Enjoy the Ride!
All In A Days Work
This past week was beyond challenging on the ole nerves for this girl in the work place. Between being shorthanded, overbooked and having our computer system go down for an entire day, it’s a miracle that I am still alive.
This recipe for insanity really made me miss that extra pulse in the office, along with the days of pencils and paper! You broke a point, you sharpened it and you’re back in business… you weren’t on HOLD for hours trying to “fix” the problem.
Yesterday things seemed to start turning around when our computers came back to life! I’m pretty sure my excitement when the “logon” screen popped up was a tad over the top, but that’s what happens when you are 100% dependent on its existence. If I had pom poms they would have been used….sad but true.
So what does one do after spending 3 days basking in the fires of hell? She takes advantage of the sunny sky at lunchtime and heads outside to enjoy it!
My co-worker and I found a nice shady bench to relax, which lasted all of a nano second. One of the security guards and believe me when I tell you that term is being used VERY lightly, was right in front of us gazing into the sky as if a flying saucer was about to land.
Of course my imagination immediately goes wild with scenarios on what might be happening as I pretend to call dispatch. We have 203 over at the MOB and I might need back-up. In other words there is a bird flying over the medical office building. I think the biggest case they ever took on was catching a smoker lighting up on hospital grounds.
As we sat there mocking the poor guy, we actually did hear a strange noise and wondered if this was what he was investigating. By “investigating” I mean looking towards the sky.
My co-worker inquires as to what he was doing and he responded in the most monotone voice “There are 2 dogs locked in that pick-up truck and I’m looking for the security camera to see how long it’s been parked there.” W H A T?
Since we are both HUMAN and DOG LOVERS, we ran over to the truck to see for ourselves. Sure enough there were 2 dogs locked in the hot truck with the all the windows up barking and crying! Needless to say we immediately sprung into action.
At this point Cagney & Lacey a/k/a me and my co-worker take charge of the case. Someone had to! We immediately approach the guard to see if he was going to break the window. Which is exactly what the police say to do in these cases. Again he responds with a half-dead … NO.
We plead our case by informing him in our most crazed voices that it’s “ok” to break the window,but he doesn’t budge. It seemed like it was an effort for him to give us an answer.
Please to do not fuck around with two women who are already on the edge … just don’t! We were responding to the situation like Navy Seals, while this “guard” was acting as if he swallowed a bottle of Valium. I’m thinking …”this is your chance to make a difference buddy!”
Cagney & Lacey: Are you going to call the police?
Droopy Dog: No. I’m going back to the office to check the surveillance tape to see how long the truck has been parked here.
Cagney & Lacey: These dogs will be dead by then!
Droopy Dog: I have to ask my boss about calling the police. Lacey: YOU HAVE TO CALL YOUR BOSS?! Well I don’t have to check with anyone I’m calling.
I make the call while Cagney uses her quick thinking to round-up some suspects. Since this was obviously a construction vehicle and work is being done on the premises, perhaps it belongs to one of the workers. This thought was like Rocket Science to the “guard”.
Droopy Dog: What police did you call?
Lacey: The real police? The police that come when you call 911.
Droopy Dog: Well my boss is at another site and I would have to check with him.
Lacey: This is an emergency! I can’t believe you can’t call yourself. Walks away in disbelief …. Just then the suspect comes out to his truck and Droopy exchanges words with him. He has the NERVE to say “It’s not even that hot in here!” He gets into his truck and starts to leave. Oh no you’re not!
I get back on the phone to update the dispatcher when I notice the truck stopping at the next entrance and he enters the building with the dogs. Droopy pulls behind the truck and with the speed of a turtle, follows him inside. I think I saw two snails pass him …. Jesus!
Just as the suspect comes back outside the REAL police are on the scene. Cagney & Lacey returned to their day jobs and hoped justice was served. By the look on the face of the real police officer as he sped by, it’s safe to say it was.
We hear too many stories these days about children and animals being locked in hot vehicles. Local news reporters are cooking eggs on dashboards all over the country, just to make a point about just how hot a vehicle can get on a summer day. Unless you just surfaced from under a rock … you know the deal.
BOOM! That my friends is the sound of my mind being blown by the fact that some people still feel that somehow they are above a devastating outcome. YOUR NOT THAT POWERFUL …SORRY! Enjoy the Ride … with Caution!
Ok people this is going to be brief considering I’m still a little traumatized by the events, but I thought it would be good idea to share my tale for healing purposes of course. Or just so you could all have a good ole fashioned laugh at my expense.
December 20th started out like any other day. I was up early to get a jump on things before battling retail facilities with my daughter for Christmas loot. All was calm, all was bright.
Since it was exceptionally warm and sunny that morning I decided to
take my little Pee Wee out for a long walk before we left. This way he would be too tired to miss us…at least that’s what I tell myself. So off we go out into the neighborhood. I thought it would be a good idea to head towards the playground and ball fields in my area, since it is loaded with good sniffing spots for Pee Wee. I never saw this coming … literally!
There I was, minding my own damn business, when out of NO WHERE came 2 giant black poodles heading right for us at full speed. I scoop my little Pee Wee up and hold him over my head like Simba in the Lion King! Thank God I’ve been working out is all I can say!
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the human in charge of these 2 oversized fur balls made her way across the street. She was walking at a snails pace for god sakes!
As she began apologizing, “Jack” the overzealous/horny fur fuck had taken a liking to yours truly and mounted his big furry ass to my back. His paws were at my shoulders and I am at least 5′ 8″ tall…seriously!
Needless to say the poor woman was trying very hard to get Jack to stop humping me, but clearly he was enjoying himself way too much to let loose. By the way I was still holding Pee Wee in the air during this entire one-sided love fest.
As the owner was trying to get a collar onto the other one, Jack continued to enjoy himself. I was turning in all directions trying to shake him loose, but this young lad had paws of steel and he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Awkward? Oh…dear…lord…that was an understatement.
This all conveniently took place at a STOP sign, so you better believe there were quite a few pointing fingers and fits of laughing going on at every stop. Where are the all the superheros when you need one?
The woman FINALLY got one dog under control and then she proceeded to peel Jack off of my back and thanked me for being “gracious”. Um, graciously assaulted was more like it. The first thing out of my mouth was “Well, I’m wearing a black coat, maybe Jack thought I was his girl from the hood.” I really couldn’t think of anything else to say. She just stared….
When it was all over I half expected to see Jack lying on the sidewalk smoking a cigarette! I walked away laughing as I heard the woman continue to apologize. Please ! The least she could have done was give me Jack’s number.
Sooooo….what does one do when crazy shit happens? They send a text to their family and friends who they know will also get a good laugh out of it. Which is exactly what happened.
These are the responses from my dear sisters Madelynne and Gina, notice the sympathetic tones (insert sarcasm please). I knew their responses would make me laugh even harder, because this is how we roll! Read and enjoy folks
Sister number one responds with a question regarding the location of the assault. Oh, not to rush over, but to either avoid that area in the future or laugh harder if other people witnessed this encounter. It was a win win for Madelynne.
Next, we both discussed our feelings for Poodles. That’s right Poodle lovers everywhere, sorry but we are not fans and I for one will never be a fan. Jack got what he wanted and has yet to call.
Next up is sister number two a/k/a Gina. I knew her response would be good since she is really not what one would call an “animal person” like myself. This was a golden opportunity for her to justify why she is not a pet owner.
This conversation escalated to borderline insanity! I literally had to sit on a step to prevent myself from peeing my pants….literally!
The lesson here ladies and gentleman is: When life decides to throw you a curve or a giant poodle named Jack, find the humor and Enjoy the Ride!
Caution: Hearts On The Mend
Today started out like any other day. I was up before the crack of dawn, came downstairs and gave Chester who was snoring like a chainsaw a quick “good morning little guy”, turned the coffee pot on and hit the family room. Pretty much the same routine as any given day. Then something happened….I heard Chester crying.
As most of you know from his Blog post the other day Hallelujah! Hot Dogs Heal The Lame Chester has been having some walking issues. Well, those issues turned into much more this morning when he couldn’t use his hind legs. It was painful to see him struggling. He wanted to get out back to do his morning duties, even though he was in pain he was determined. He never went in the house and he wasn’t starting today.
Our new hardwood floors were not helping his journey to the yard so I gathered all the area rugs we have to make a path to the stairs where I was able to guide him down. Whew! That was an ordeal, but we made it. The next challenge was getting from the bottom of the stairs over to the door. We took numerous breaks, had a couple pep talk and eventually crossed the finish line or threshold, just in the nick of time.
As you can imagine I was very concerned. After some research I discovered he most likely has a back issue, not a leg issue. We got ready, slipped Chester a rophy and headed to the Vet. In our minds we were going for a cortisone shot & medication, but instead we were sent to a hospital for an MRI and possible surgery. What?
Sadly after hearing that he most likely had 3 bulging disks that would require surgery, along with an 8-12 week recovery period with no guarantee of full use, we were left to make the painful decision to let him go on to a place where he can run free and bask in sunbeams all day, while we remain here with all of our wonderful memories to treasure and broken hearts to mend.
I’ll be taking a few days off during the mending, but I’ll be reading to stay occupied. Thank you for all of your kind words about Chester over the past year, they are also included in our memories.
Life can certainly change is a flash so make sure you Enjoy the Ride as much as Chester enjoyed his. I Love You Poppy!
Hallelujah! Hot Dogs Heal The Lame
Hello everyone, it’s me Chester the Beagle and I’ll be guest blogging for Lisa today. She’s been such a good nurse lately I thought I’d cut her some slack. I’ve been sick as a dog! My troubles all started back on Valentine’s Day when I woke up looking like someone who may be employed in a bell tower. One minute I’m scratching my ear, the next I’m looking like Quasi Moto.
My memory is sketchy at best on the details, but I do recall Momma calling the doctor, me getting a sausage and then the rest is somewhat of a blur. I’m not pointing paws here, but I think there was a rophy in that sausage! That’s all I know is when I finally woke up my nails were cut, my butt was sore and my ear was feeling better. Either I went to the Doggie Doctor or a seedy massage pallor…I’ll never really be sure.
Well, one thing I know for sure is I was feeling like a puppy after that adventure! Momma has been giving me a little chicken every morning a pleasant surprise indeed and by the afternoon I was skipping out of the gate. Woo…it felt so good to be young again! However, all good things must end and this includes rejuvenation.
During one of my puppy highs, I spotted a cat in the distance. I thought, “hey I’m feeling like a champ and I’m gonna get me some of that feline.” What the HELL was this old dog thinking? It has been almost 2 weeks since I
dashed skipped across that field and I’m still suffering. Momma said that chasing stray pussy never ends well…boy was she was RIGHT. I had to be wrapped in a blanket and carried back home by the humans…it was more than humiliating, especially with that feisty Boston Terrier looking on, mocking me with his agility.
So there I was, trapped downstairs, unable to go up the steps with my bum leg ALL…OVER … A…CAT. Do you know what this means for me? I can no longer bask in the sun. There is no more going on the deck to bark at passer-byes and the worst part of all… I AM NOT ABLE TO GET TO THE KITCHEN. It’s tragic, simply tragic.
On Thursday following the “incident” I was a hot mess before Momma went to work. I’m not proud of my behavior, I just didn’t want to be alone and a little crying usually goes a long way, but she left anyway. I played it up until Dad got there to save the day. We both took a nice nap and life was good again. I may have gotten a little ahead of myself later that evening when I smelled something I haven’t had the pleasure of sniffing since Summer…a hot dog! Not, just any hot dog … an Applegate Farm All Organic Hot Dog. I’m sure you all know what happened next…yep…I RAN up the steps to get me some of that goodness!
The gates of heaven opened before me and I was standing in Doggie Paradise a/k/a … the kitchen. Who knew Hot Dogs had the power to heal the lame? I was so happy to be upstairs in the living area that I slept late on Friday. It wasn’t until I tried to get up to do my doo doo duties that I realized that…umm…maybe I over estimated my abilities with those stairs. Hot Dog goggles, beer goggles, love goggles…they all make us do crazy things.
It’s been a rough week for everyone. Good ole Dad has been sleeping on the couch so I don’t get scared. Momma tried, but apparently I snore. The girl of the house is on Spring break, keeping me company during the day. If telling me to “stop faking” is company. The boy has been lecturing me on my weight one minute and slipping me a chicken tender the next. Are these mixed singles or am I on a chicken tender weight loss program?
Ugh, what’s an old dog to do? Something tells me there’s another rophy sausage in my very near future if I ever want to lie in another sunbeam. Until then … I think I’ll put my Hotdog goggles on and Enjoy the Ride!
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