Trials—Tribulations—and well, Turds

I’m sure you are all familiar with that old saying “my plate is full,” well Sweet Jesus I’ve been spending too much time at the All You Can Eat Buffet!

Our lives can sometimes feel like we are on a roller coaster of extreme ups and downs leaving us screaming “stop this ride!” Then one day when we least expect it, the solution is right in front of us …… get off the ride.  We are in charge of our own in and outtake ……the controls are in OUR hands, but this revelation usually comes long after the barf bag dispenses. It’s very simple:  We all have the choice to scream every time we hit a bump, or we can throw our  hands up and enjoy it.

After almost 30 days straight of screaming every time I hit a bump the strangest thing happened, I started to laugh and couldn’t stop. Now many of you who know me will confirm that laughing is something that I do daily, but that’s not the sort of laughter I’m talking about, I’m referring to the tear filled, bellyaching, Oh my God I can’t even breathe laughing…the “healing laughter.”  If you’ve never had this experience, I have no way to describe it other than euphoric.

Sometimes life presents us with situations or duties that in another moment may seem, well lets just say unpleasant. I have to believe that our reactions to these unpleasant tasks can either make or break you, especially when you’ve been screaming at the top of your lungs, desperately trying to get through the endless ups and downs of your already full plate.

Again, it’s all about  our choices.  I admit I have always hid behind my dear friend sarcasm to get through some very awkward moments, however sarcasm doesn’t always cut it, especially when you are faced with the big guns ……. Trials and Tribulations.

Trials & Tribulations bring us to a point like no other. This tag team can have you easily curled up in a ball, rocking in a corner uttering random obscenities or they can have you rolling on the floor, gasping for air, laughing so hard you would swear your spleen is on its way out of your body and you’re not really sure from what end it will be exiting!

I will take one dose of extreme laughter, with a side of bellyaches and tears…..check please!

WARNING:  Please refrain from reading any further if you can not tolerate Turd Talk.

As a daughter, as many of you are, there are certain expectations shall I say, attached with our position in a family.  There are books, poems, plaques and even jewelry that will attest to how very special it is to have a daughter.  They will grow up to be your friend and more importantly they will do things for you that no one else will do….that’s right…they will even volunteer (as I did) to transport your stool sample to the doctor’s office, on a Monday morning…on their way to work.  Talk about topping off your full plate, with just one more thing…a turd.

What happens next is the core reason I now believe Hollywood should add a new category to the Oscars.  A category that recognizes the importance of daughters and the levels they will go to reciprocate their love to their aging parents.  Oh, I know… I know we should all be grateful blah blah blah as we secretly dream of wearing a beautiful gown, walking the red carpet and excepting my (oops I meant our) award for “Best Daughter In The World.”  Sadly, this could never happen since ALL daughters are winners in their individual categories, so there is no room for best.  Please hold your applause until the end of the program….thank you.

My performance in “Transportation of a Turd” was nothing short of stellar and by far the best thing that has happened in recent days.  My mother called Monday morning at 7:06 a.m. stating “Everything is ready, I have it in the refrigerator”  without hesitation I respond with a solid  “great! I’ll see you around 8:00.”  This is when the laughter started.  For a brief second I thought,  jeez I hope she was talking about the Turd.  I quickly sent my sister (mother of 2 boys) a text stating that I never thought I would say this, but I will be transporting mom’s stool sample to the doctor’s office and she responds with …. “will it be riding shot-gun?”   Now the laughter intensifies……………Mutitasker that I am, I called my friend on my way to the “pick-up” just to catch up on current events.  As I was telling her what I doing, we both started laughing out loud…hearing the words had a much bigger effect than just the thought. This friend has (2) boys as well, so the chance of one of her boys doing this were a solid, self admitted, slim and none.  She has a niece who will inherit this wonderful position, hopefully she gets the memo regarding her inheritance prior to one of these moments.  The laughter intensifies even more……….

Sons just have a whole different way of thinking, especially the sons in my family.  They all have such a good sense of humor and so many talents. If they were presented with this “opportunity” it would have endless possible outcomes.  Immediately I thought about  the (4) of them with this task.  Of course they would all oblige to the request, because after all they are responsible young men, but within minutes of the “pick-up” there would be a Facebook and Twitter account for the Turd along with thousands of friends and followers. No doubt a song would be composed, including a guitar solo tribute to the Turd.  This would be followed by photos with an album titled “Turd Travels” that would make Flat Stanley hang his head in shame.  Finally, one of them would realize the original mission and they would most likely debate for hours on what to do or better yet what would Stewie vs. Spongebob vs. Homer Simpson do? All that thinking brings on the hunger so now choosing an eatery is added to the list. The older 2 will have already finished their meals as the younger 2 are still arguing over the horror vs. necessity of fast food. The monumental decision is finally made: The one sitting closest to the Turd will have the honor of running into the Doctor’s office, leaving it on the counter and making a mad dash to the getaway car, which by the way is no longer out front, because the look on the face of the poor soul who completed the mission would make everything that much more hilarious, not to mention the best profile picture EVER ………….that’s how they roll!  The laughter now includes tears ….….

As I get closer to my destination for the “pick-up” I call mom to let her know I will be there any minute.   She gives me the following instructions: “park in the back, come to the door, I have everything in a brown bag…click”  ok, honestly now,  I repeat “are we still talking about a turd?”  I show up at the back door as instructed, mom seems startled that I’m there…she is wearing a black hat, black coat and she is holding a brown bag.  As she hands me the bag she states “Be careful now don’t let anything happen to this”  as if this Turd were an organ on its way to be transplanted into an awaiting dying  patient!  There really was nothing left to say other than “Mom! we are talking about a Turd here right? (we are both laughing)  for god sakes, don’t worry I have a car seat and helmet in the car!”  The laughter now includes more tears and the bellyaching has begun……

At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities.  ~Jean Houston

As I left the Doctor’s office I draped the “Mission Accomplished” banner across my car and continued on my way work.  All of this occurred before 8:15 a.m., so yes, I still had to go to the paying job.  When I arrived I sat in the parking lot with the Mission Impossible theme song running through my head.

 I imagined myself  like a ninja dashing through the laser beams, jumping through glass windows, dodging bullets while riding my motorcycle through flames….holding the turd sample high in the air with mom’s words “don’t let anything happen to this” pounding in my head. This brought on the tear-filled, bellyaching almost loosing your spleen laugh that has a way of making everything better,  the kind of laughter that clears your plate and heals your soul.

Later in the day I sent a text to my other sister, (who has a daughter), to tell her the sample had arrived safely to the doctor’s office.  We concluded that only a daughter would complete this task, since we each have one, we can rest easy.   She informed me she already called mom who graciously  filled her in on “the whole journey of the turd,” right before she went to lunch.

I’m so grateful to be part of a family that never bats an eye to statements such as “no word on the turd” as we await the results.

The laughter continues..the plate is clear..and the soul is calm.

“You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.”   Bill Cosby

2 responses

  1. OK so I have several points to make…

    #1 Freakin’ hillarious! I will make this required reading for my closest fan club.Erma Bombeck had NOTHING on you!

    #2 (no pun intended) I sure hope your mother is not one of your facebook friends!

    #3 I am glad I found you, you made my day…XO


  2. I already thought about renting her out to subsidize my Social Security. The wheels are always turning…


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