Tag Archives: people

Get Hold Of Yourselves

XFD8tp93TXeaaieZMR125wDid you hear the one about the squirrel that walked onto a deck wearing a mask during the pandemic? At this point, it’s the only way anyone would believe that this actually happened yesterday. On the FIRST day, masks were mandatory in Pennsylvania. 

I was sitting in my sunroom, on a quiet morning, listening to the bird’s chirp, waiting for the sun to make an appearance when I felt I was being watched. Listen to your instincts.

Once my eyes registered, I realized that I was, in fact, looking at a squirrel, looking at me, wearing a mask. This little guy just stood there as if he was on the red carpet waiting for the paparazzi to get their shot, which is precisely what I did. A miracle considering the laughter!

I still have no idea what this little guy had in his mouth, so I’m going with the obvious, that he watched a do-it-yourself mask-making video like the rest of us. Well done!

Now that the squirrel community is on board with following directions, it would be great if humans would follow suit. The sad reality is that people are well, people, and they only listen to what they want to hear and do what they want to do. Educated, grown-ass adults suddenly become toddlers. 

It’s not that difficult. Wear the mask because the GOVERNOR said so. This is smart, safe, and limits make-up application to just the eyes. 

The lack of human cooperation since the kick-off of Stay In Your Damn House guidelines does not surprise me or any other human being who has witnessed the behavior of parents on back to school night. When the words “this is not the time to ask questions about your child” are uttered, the hands begin to rise. 

Disclaimer: I’m not a teacher. I’m the parent who LISTENS. 

Living in a culture where instant gratification is a necessity and impatience is at the forefront does not help. Listening to adults asking on more than one occasion, “Is this over yet?” is the equivalent to “Are we there yet?”  and that rarely ends well.  Get hold of yourselves, people!

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Honestly, the universe doesn’t always protect us, sometimes it challenges us with more than we would like to receive, and on occasion, hits us when we’re down, instead of cutting us a break. We have to remember that not every test passes in an instant, and not every threat can just be shrugged off.  So, here we are, on the day who the hell knows of this blip in our regular routines, with guidelines changing every day, and new choices to be made. We can resist. We can hide. Or, we can just react in a manner that will benefit ourselves and others.

Don’t make it harder than it has to be. Enjoy the Ride! 

 

The Honeymoon

Elderly couple at golden wedding holding handsAs most of you know I work in the medical field, on the administrative side, not the actual healing side. Trust me, this is a blessing for all of us. 

Although, I must say, after 15 years I do believe I could include therapist to my resume without an ounce of guilt.

I say this because, for whatever reason, some patients walk in the door with an agenda to unload. I’m not sure if it’s the glass window, my face or loneliness, but whatever the case may be, the stories just spill into the room. Some good, others require earplugs. 

Don’t get me wrong this can be a blessing or a curse depending on the schedule. There are days when I have to take things with a grain of salt, and then there are days when a gem like the one I’m about to share falls right into my lap and heart. It’s like hitting an emotional lottery.

George and Pauline are longtime patients. They are both in their 90’s, with Pauline being 8 years older. Yes, Pauline is pushing 100.

They are both brilliant, highly educated, interesting, frisky and funny as hell! The full package.

Unfortunately for everyone, Pauline can no longer come into the office, but thank goodness George comes regularly.

On Thursday, when George was making his next appointment I inquired about Pauline and he said “the honeymoon isn’t over” and I smiled. This is when he spilled to this GEM all over my desk. Hmm I hope I scheduled his next appointment.

One month after we were married Pauline was in the kitchen when I was heading out for a morning run. I yelled from the door “Pauline, I’ll be back I’m going for a run” and she replied, “hurry back and I’ll make it worth your while” The honeymoon wasn’t over. At this point, George is sporting a huge grin. 

He continues to tell me that he hadn’t thought about that moment in a very long time, but today as he was leaving to come to this appointment, Pauline was settled in with her  aide when he yelled into the room “Pauline, I’m going to see the doctor, I’ll be back shortly” and without missing a beat she replied, “hurry back and I’ll make it worth your while” As I was staring at George I noticed he was still wearing that big grin, but his eyes were welling up when he leaned in and said: “Looks like the honeymoon isn’t over yet.”

Honestly, folks, it doesn’t get much better than that now does it? Enjoy the Ride!

 

 

Bye Bitch

via Daily Prompt: Insist

Verb: demand something forcefully, not accepting refusal.

This right here is the story of my life Monday through Thursday as I’m slaving away at my job in the healthcare industry.

I’m not sure what occurs before a potential patient contacts our office for an appointment, but it’s not a moment of zen.

I imagine more of a good look in the mirror for a one on one pep talk. “You got this!” “Pick up that phone and DEMAND to be seen TODAY because everything is ALL about YOU!”

The other explanation would be that they just live their every day lives like the entitled e’ffers they are, and this is their norm. This right here is the winner.

Me:  Good morning Doctor’s office.

PITA:  I need to be seen today around 1. Have you been eating your make-up again?

Me:  Are you already a patient?

PITA:  No! Bitch in the house.

Me:  Did you have a trauma?

PITA:  No! Ok, I see where this is heading.

Me:  Are you a diabetic with a wound?

PITA:  No! God help us all.

Me:  Why do you need to be seen today?

PITA:  I have a painful corn on my toe, and I’m leaving for Florida tomorrow. Tragic, absolutely tragic.

Me:  Well, that’s not something we would consider an emergency.

PITA:  But I’m in pain, and I have things to do before I leave. Sounds like a first world problem to me. 

Me:  You would be a new patient, which takes extra time and you do not have an emergency.

PITA:  You mean to tell me you don’t save time for emergencies? Can you please Google emergency?

Me:  Yes, we do, but your situation is not an emergency.

PITA:  Being in pain isn’t an emergency? You are being inconvenienced, there’s a difference.  

Me:  Not the type of pain you’re experiencing.

PITA: Well, what am I going to do? I hoping for death.

Me:  Call around to see if you can get in with another physician.

PITA:  I don’t have time for that today. I told you I needed to come today at 1:00. Because you are who again?

Me:  I’m sorry, but I already told you that would not be possible.

PITA:  Huffing and puffing. The agony of defeat is music to my ears.

Me:  Ok?

PITA:  I guess I’ll have to try someone else since you don’t want to help me. Bye Bitch!

Me:  Silence. CLICK! BAM! BOOM!

Enjoy the ride!

 

 

Cave 219 Unit A

fullsizeoutput_2473For as long as I can remember I’ve been required to complete some sort of form before my entrance into a school, hospital or doctors office. So why is this practice suddenly considered a personal attack on freedom? I have a few ideas.

Well, for whatever reason, people seem to be relating this procedure as a personal infringement on their rights as an American citizen. Hmm, I wonder where they could have gotten that idea?

As some of you may already know, I work in the healthcare system where I am in the presence of the public on a daily basis. Feel free to send words of encouragement. 

So, as you can imagine, my days have been a real joy ever since people decided that every question presented, including NAME, has a hidden agenda. Items that have been routinely asked for DECADES I might add!

There seem to be (2) questions that set people off on a personal protest, lecture or aliem_soapboxcomments on everything unfair. Let me introduce you to race and ethnicity. Again, why?

Um, first of all, it’s evident to anyone with eyes if you’re black, white, orange or blue and secondly, you do have the FREEDOM to not answer the questions. Places do exist where options are not a thing, and this isn’t one of them.

Recently a new patient completed his form and vigorously crossed out ALL of the race selections to write A M E R I C A N across the page. Where does one begin?

Do I ….

a) Inform him that “AMERICAN” is not a race or an ethnicity unless you are in fact a NATIVE. Based on his white hair, blue eyes and Fighting Irish jacket, I’m going to risk stating that his ancestors were not the hot guys in loincloths at the first Thanksgiving.

b) Ask WTF does that mean? Outloud!

c) Earn an Oscar nomination for exhibiting an extreme level of control while in the presence of an ass. Is there a category for “best poker face?”

See you on the red carpet folks! I have bills to pay ya know.

Next up are the folks who REFUSE to complete the ethnicity portion of the form, which is fine, and again, you have that right. In fact, there is even a little box that says DECLINES TO PROVIDE.  

4534673-Cartoon-prehistoric-man-before-cave-color-illustration--Stock-IllustrationNO ONE, especially me is forcing you to reveal your heritage. However, one does not have to be Nancy Drew to solve that mystery or at least come close. I don’t think I’ll ever understand what makes people tick. 

My faith in humanity weakens when I think about the passion associated with these “protests” and how that energy is wasted on something so senseless. Ugh!

Do they realize that their name, address, social security number, phone numbers, employer information, marital status and the name of a family member for an emergency contact have just been delivered on a silver platter, which dramatically weakens their argument and provides enough evidence to trace their roots back to a cave?  Dear Lord!

Use your energy wisely and as always, Enjoy the Ride!

 

No Questions Asked

1aew9yI recently ran late for work, which is very out of character for this early bird. Of course, it had nothing to do with me. Nope, I have to blame it on the dog. The ole “the dog ate my homework” just reached a new level.

Every day before I leave for the salt mines I take my love bugs for a walk. They are well aware of this routine and are normally waiting on me. This particular morning Peanut was suddenly MIA. As I was calling him I could actually hear the panic in my voice. Pets are not spared from my zero to catastrophic reasoning.

I ran up the steps expecting to find a four-legged comatose dog, but instead, I found a stuffed Ladybug smoking a cigarette in the hallway. (not really we don’t allow smoking in the house) and Pee Wee paralyzed by an erection in the bedroom! (erections are always welcome, except in this moment) Oh yes, this was happening. 

Look, if you’re going to be late, I’m certain the line “I’m sorry I’m late I had to wait for my dogs erection to recede in order to take him out for his morning poop” will not only work, it just may go down in infamy at work places across the land. No questions asked.

My first jaw-dropping excuse came from Jackie, a young girl from the hood, who I had the pleasure of knowing early on in my working career. She called out one morning with this gem. “I won’t be in today, my boyfriend dropped his gun on my foot and I can’t walk.” It’s solidly shocking enough not to question its authenticity.  Feel better and leave his ass is all that can follow.

Of course, all excuses can not be as great as these two, so we settle for what I like to call “The Lazy.” This is when you just roll over, pick up the phone and make that call before ever uttering a single word.  You proceed to sound as if you’ve crawled through the dessert for a week while stating you are soooooooo sick you feel as if were hit by a truck. Yes, the groggy morning voice works but it’s lazy, lacks creativity and leaves you in the position of answering questions about your miraculous recovery the following day. Effort and imagination are your friends, people. 

Then there is this classic, “The Silencer”. You start off strong with “everything is coming out of both ends.” Although this statement will have you on and off the phone in a nano second, it will also leave the door open. The recipient is left to wonder “how in gods name are you making this call?” or they are imaging you sitting on the toilet. Now one of you must die. 

But I must say, nothing to date has even come close to the lengths one of my sister’s co-workers went in order to dodge a huge meeting in NYC. Are you familiar with the saying “less is more”? Well, you’re about to be.

This guy was one of those co-workers that had an all talk no show kind of work ethic. We’ve all had one of these in our lives. 

My sister on the other hand is nothing short of a psycho perfectionist with standards through the roof. Martha Stewart meets Walmart.

She knew there was no way in the world he was prepared for this presentation. Even by his lazy standards.

Mr. Unprepared headed to the train station with his empty briefcase. The briefcase of deceit.

The next day the office received a call that Mr. Unprepared was a no-show to the meeting. Shocking.

This simple act now transpired into frantic phone calls to his cell, the hotel, the client, his family and anyone else on the planet who may have information on his whereabouts. This went on ALL day.

Imagine a full-blown investigation, manhunt, milk cartons being prepped for his photo and my sister feeling a tad guilty for all of those lovely adjectives she used to describe him. Just a tad. 

Shit got real when his wife showed up at the office in tears with their baby and his parents with the faces of fear and anguish. All of this over not being prepared.

After hours of worry for everyone, and the revelation of huge holes in his timeline, he surfaced to state that he was robbed and disoriented. Really now ….

Ironically, once again his creativity fell short. If you’re planning on going to this extreme you better be the master. This guy wasn’t even close.

He came back to the office with no signs of a struggle, other than his smile. Talk about leaving the door open for questions. “I ate some bad sushi from a street vendor” would have been the appropriate way to go in this situation. Short and sweet.

This guy was the definition of Douchebaggery!

While everyone was fawning over his safe return, my sister was giving him the “I know what you did last night” eye. He knew that she was on to him.

So, what do rats do when they’re trapped in a corner? They head to HR with lies about their trapper. Oh yes he did.

Let’s just say he probably never saw the knock on his door, followed by the words “Hey Pussy, can I talk to you?” coming.

Enjoy the Ride!  No questions asked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s Always A Story

dog-story-telling-meme

I recently saw the quote “Alcohol, because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad.” This may be true but something tells me I could get a great story out of eating salad. There’s always a story.

Recently I went to the local mall in search of some fancy shoes to wear to a wedding. My feet have not seen anything fancy in years, so this was not going to be easy. I already ordered and returned two pair. Cinderella I am not.

My first mistake was bypassing Macy’s. The logic, if that’s what you want to call it, was to try stores I never shop in first. Why?

First up: Shoe Carnival. How inviting does that sound?  I was in, out and emptied handed in 5 seconds. Carnival is the key word.

Next, I headed down to Boscov’s, where everyone on the planet seems to find amazing merchandise basically for free, except me. As I was browsing the shoe department my intestines began to rumble…oh yes! Glutes tight as I head to the ladies room.

I proceeded to do the shit shuffle from the shoe department, up the escalator, through the furniture department, where I was blocked by a kid throwing a full-blown temper tantrum over the lack of Pokemons. Get the hell out of my way!  

This journey seemed 5 miles long through tar at this point. I headed down some godforsaken 1980’s hallway to the turn of the century bathroom where the gates of hell opened. No words.

Now that I was a least 2 pounds lighter I headed back out to the Mall with every intention of heading home. But no.

I made a sharp right and headed to Sears, because who the hell knows. There I was gazing over the shoes when a women dressed in red from head to toe, approached me with this statement. “If you keep smiling I’m going to file a lawsuit against you.” Alrighty then …

As I look for a glimmer of sanity I notice a man looking at me shrugging his shoulders. Seriously! That’s all you have is a shrug?

Ugh, I stood there alone smiling and now fearing a potential lawsuit. I decided home is where I need to go. Nope.

Just as I was about to escape I noticed the smile police browsing books at Barnes & Noble. She appeared very normal in that moment. 

Next thing I know she is heading my way as if my smile was on the list of the 10 most wanted!  Suddenly she is inches from me when she gave me another warning. “I told you to stop smiling!!” Good thing I hit the bathroom before this moment.

I found myself hiding in the Hallmark store texting my daughter and sisters about the incident, just in case I went missing. I learned that trick from Law and Order SVU.

At this point a normal person would have been sprinting to the car … not me.

Macy’s was my last stop. Within seconds I had a beautiful pair of sparkly shoes on my hooves. Life was good again for a nano second. 

A lovely woman sat down next to me admiring my selection. I loved these shoes! I would have loved them more if I had the 4th toe on my Right foot amputated, but that was not an option. Yet.

We were chatting about the wedding, my need for an emergency amputation, and the fact that my shoes need to be beautiful and comfortable when she began digging down into her bra. I should have known this was not just an adjustment.

Just like a magician she pulls out a pair of dentures, puts them in her mouth and apologizes for talking to me without her teeth. A rabbit would have been less shocking.

My face must have been asking all sorts of questions, because she proceeded to inform me that her 70th birthday was coming up and she no longer cared what people thought. Truth!

At this point of my tale my husband asked “did you finally leave?”

Me: No, I asked her when her birthday was?

Husband: Why?

Me:  I wanted to know.

Husband:  Why?

Me:  Because I wanted to know if she was a Leo.

Husband: Why do you care?

Me:  Just be glad I do.

Although I left the mall without shoes, I did get this post.

That wedding I was talking about is TODAY!!!!

My nephew Ryan is getting hitched to his beautiful bride Monica. Hurricane Hermine is a no show in PA, and we are about to get this party started!

Enjoy the Ride … I know I will!

 

 

 

 

When Harry, Norman & Robert Met Lisa

6078_Threeomrades

Three wise men walked into a Podiatrist office. No, this is not the beginning of a joke about aging feet, it’s the story of one of the best days I’ve had at work in a long time.

Let me introduce you to Harry, Norman & Robert. Three interesting, intelligent and inspiring men who walked into the office, dropped some wisdom and went about their day.

Harry -83 years young:  Harry is a recent surgery patient with a wonderful sense of humor.

When he came in for his first post-op appointment he said, and I quote: “I want to thank Lisa for answering all of my questions, she is a fountain of knowledge.” I asked him to call my children to inform them of that fact, he thought I was kidding … I was not.

Believe it or not, the accurate conclusion that Harry made about me was not what captured my heart. But, it certainly didn’t hurt.

Harry told me that he volunteers in a first-grade classroom, and has been doing it for years. He was so happy that the teacher had the class send him Get Well wishes after his surgery, but there was a catch, they had to include a joke. Laughter is the best medicine.

This gesture filled Harry’s heart. He told me that he enjoys volunteering in the First Grade classroom because it gives him the joy to see these children enter the door not certain what to expect and leave with confidence.

He went on to explain that he has a special bond with this teacher. Harry lost his son years ago in November, just when this teacher was getting married. One young life ending as one began.

Shortly after the teacher was married she found out she was expecting and 3 months into the pregnancy her new husband died suddenly. Grief, let me introduce you to grief.

Their losses brought them together and they are wonderful friends who helped each other heal. He’s been volunteering ever since.

83 years old, still thinking, still living and still making a mark in this world.

Norman-86 years young: He came to us a few months ago via his family doctor, which is never good, and let’s just say that “the little piggy that went to the market” never came back.

When he called the other day he was very nervous that “the little piggy that stayed home” was on its way out too so we made room on the schedule. Podiatry office humor.

Norman came in as if he was the guest of honor at a celebration, not someone with a potential gangrenous toe.

He was wearing a Villanova cap to “make the doctor happy” since his daughter is a student and it was the day of the championship game. Well played Norman, well-played indeed.

Norman was excited to reveal he had recently written a paper on aging. When I took him to the exam room I had to inquire about the paper. I was very curious.

I was thinking he wrote it for the AARP magazine. Nope, he said, “I wrote it for my family, I want them to know how quickly it comes up on you.” A warning of sorts.

The title of the paper is “Getting Old Is Not For Sissies.” Norman told me he stole that line from Bette Davis, an actress I wouldn’t know because, and I quote “you’re too young to remember her.” He had me at “too young.”

Norman still can’t believe he is 86. He doesn’t recognize the person in the mirror. Still has a lot to share with this world. Has an incredible sense of humor, and wants nothing more than for his family to be happy.

Norman is going to drop off a copy of the paper for me to read. No worries, I will share.

Robert-91 years young: Robert came in for a routine appointment. As soon as he came to the window he showed my co-worker a photo of him and his wife from 1941. They looked like movie stars.

Robert is a tall man, but frail. No doubt more so since he lost the love of his life. He told my co-worker a story that left them both with watery eyes.

Later I asked her about it and of course, I too was left with watery eyes. We’re so sappy sometimes.

Robert explained that he and his wife were sitting at the kitchen table and she asked: “How long have we been married?” Robert responded with “65 years dear.” Her response was “I have not regretted one day in 65 years.” Robert explained that even though she is gone, he is still stunned by her words. He is a walking, talking broken heart.

I was also taken back by my co-worker’s response to Robert which was “It was nice to be able to hear that Robert.”  Indeed, it was.

I must say, it was a pleasure to pick-up these three men while I … Enjoy the Ride!

 

Weapons Of Mass Destruction Have A Face

Giving-Pledge-Words_thumbNothing better to push me to write than a big ole “Happy Anniversary” from WordPress. Yep, it appears that I entered the Blogosphere 4 years ago today. Time flies when you’re having fun.

In the spirit of writing, today I would like to touch on the power of words.

Remember this old saying:  “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Yea, it’s the biggest piece of BS ever written. 

Words are capable of growing, changing and spreading. They have even been known to influencing our world, for good or evil; and they have the power to hurt us directly or indirectly through others. Today more than ever.

I never thought about a word being “alive” but when I think of words spoken through history, written down and passed through generations, they seem to resurrect when read or spoken today.

For instance, when I listen to the powerful speeches of John F. Kennedy and Martin Lutherimages King, Jr. I can feel their words reaching out and raising me to my feet some 50 years later. That folks is how it’s done.

The words of these men were delivered with such strength and passion you could practically feel a gentle hand on your shoulder. Today it’s more of a shove.

“Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country” ~ John F. Kennedy

Now, let’s fast forward to today…..

WTF

We are living in a time were our words, whether truthful or lies, courageous or weak, kind or hateful, have the ability to be heard, in some cases by the world, within seconds of leaving our minds via our mouths, phones and computers. We have the POWER!

Instead, we allow the Media to abuse their responsibility by silencing the good and sensationalizing the FUCKERY.

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

On the heels of the Republican “Debate”, I have been struck by a revelation regarding the power of words and the authority they can have over our lives. As a firm believer in our First Amendment, Freedom of Speech, I am stunned at the recent abuse of its power. No doubt good ole #1 crumbled itself up last night and headed for the nearest incinerator before the first commercial break. 

Why have we allowed this to continue beyond the F I R S T hateful message?

Why have we allowed O N E person to shine a spotlight on the worst of us?

Why have we allowed the media to continue to sensationalize this mess?

Why the FUCK aren’t we in the streets stopping it?

27b4ea021f2c548371dc500bc8733282The answer to all of these questions is Complacency: a feeling of being satisfied with how things are and not wanting to try to make them better.

Although I don’t believe we don’t want things to be different, I do believe we have become a society of dependent thinkers. A group of people who want someone else to fix things for us and a society that frowns upon people who take it to the streets to protest injustices. Sheeple 

In the end, we have no one to blame but ourselves. When we get the urge to point fingers, we better head to the nearest mirror.

Honestly, I’m not afraid of terrorist attacks, ISIS, bombs, mass shootings, Mexicans, Muslims or any other fears that are fueling our current hateful fire, but I am very afraid of living in a society that promotes, encourages and allows it to be exploited. That is some real shit to fear. 

“Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.” –Robert Frost

Today, the most powerful weapon of mass destruction has a face. It’s orange, with bad hairfc5599bb6bbe9b95d7634a5793bc58e7 and a vile mouth. It uses words to fuel anger. It uses words to feed its ego. It uses words to divide this nation. It uses words to make others feel small, and worst of all it’s CONTAGIOUS!

This is our biggest threat and it didn’t cross a border, it was created by the Republican party and grew into the monster it is by our complacency.

The good news is there is a way to put an end to this shit show; stop participating in it. Unfortunately, we have become a nation addicted to crazy, so this is not going to be easy. 

Enjoy the Ride … on the Crazy Train.  All aboard!

 

 

 

 

Peace Ride

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Originally Posted On: Uncle Spike’s Adventures

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Edmund Burke

Here’s how to add your support to our message of peace:
1) Publish the following statement on your own blog
2) Post a link to Twitter (#BloggersUniteForPeace) and/or Facebook
3) Reblog this post or any post that replicates this statement
4) Request to be added to the signatory list below by adding a comment or mailing uncle.spikes.adventures1@gmail.com
5) Add an image Widget using this image URL and link to this post

12049679_10205727794898815_2434700194727613292_nOut in the real world I try my best to spread this message everywhere I go via my license plate. Some days are easier than others. 

Driving around with this message on a daily basis carries a huge responsibility. It forces me to control my urge to get angry at other drivers, even when they deserve it. It reminds me to be courteous; mindful and respectful of those around me.

Believe me when I tell you these are not easy tasks to accomplish!  Living in a world where everything is moving at the speed of light, patience are sparse and tempers run high make it challenging at best, but I try and that is a start. Trying and succeeding are not the same.

“True peace cannot be dictated, it can only be built in co-operation between all peoples. None of us, no nation, no citizen, is free from some responsibility for this.” Quakers in Britain in 1943

So fellow bloggers stand together for Peace and … Enjoy the Ride! 

Cosmic Comedian

imagesMy weekend kicked off with what I would consider a Hyper-Sensitive day. No, I wasn’t leaving my tears all over Philly, but I was overly in touch to what was going on around me. Some of which could have left tears. 

Keep in mind what you are about to read occurred on an 8-minute ride.

I was on my way to pick up my mom for our weekly food shopping extravaganza when I noticed a “man” walking down a very busy boulevard in my area. What made me question his humanness was the fact that he was wrapped in a white bath towel from head to toe and the resemblance to E.T. was uncanny. Call Home …. Please.

fc3b0b642ab3c9934d9e1f0e77fd8994Next stop the red-light. When you’re in hyper-sensitive mode this can be a whole new experience.

As I was sitting at what seemed like the longest light in the world, a woman crossed in front of my car. She was dressed in full Muslim garb, which isn’t something out of the ordinary these days, however the extreme hooker heels peeking out from under that garb took me by surprise. I could feel the blisters forming with each step. These shoes came right out of Lady Gaga’s closet! 

Still adjusting my eyes from the hooker heels I made my left turn where I had the pleasure of sitting at yet another red light.  This is where a minivan pulled up next to me trying way too hard to be cool. I thought minivans are where coolness goes to die. 

This poor guy had all the windows open with the radio blasting on what may be the worst sound system on the planet. His song of choice for all of us within listening distance was Pitbull’s Culo. Here is a sample of my horror:

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Lets go (Let’s go)

Right about now, we need all the ladies to hit the danceflo’ (Dominicana)

If you got a big ol’ booty (Cubana, Mexicana)

And you like to set that motherfucker, let’s go! (Colombiana) (Boricua) Pitbull, Lil’ Jon, Heey, Heey!

The fact that I recognized this song might be the scariest part of the experience!

zombie on carThe car behind me couldn’t get away from the impromptu concert fast enough. It just zoomed right in front of me when the light changed. But no worries she found herself next to me at the next light. So predictable. 

When this happens we are obligated to turn and acknowledge such drivers with an expressionless glare a/k/a victory.

What I was not prepared for was the zombie decal covering the entire window glaring back at me. At first I thought it was sporting a friendly peace sign, then I realized it’s clawing to be released. WTF! 

Once I put my heart back in place the light turned green and the Zombie mobile cut in front of me again. As I tried to justify the big hurry I noticed a gold glittered dog bone magnet that read “Groomer” going across the trunk of her car. Ok, maybe the crazy driving is due to a grooming emergency.  Superman1

Just when I thought I was safe she erratically turned into an apartment parking lot. At this point, I was really hoping to see a matted dog waiting for her assistance. Sadly for my corneas the only thing waiting was a young man in a Superman stance sporting an erection. Yerp!

This is when I decided to pause, opposed to heading straight for the nearest pole. There had to be some sort of lesson hidden within all this crazy. What was CC or that cosmic comedian better known as the universe trying to tell me?

M E M O

To:  Lisa

From: CC

Subject: Lessons

____________________________________________________________________________

1.  Wearing a bath towel on the boulevard was a reminder to stop letting the opinions of others fuel my journey;

2.  Hidden hooker heels could have been a sign to stop holding back and just let my inner hooker heels shine;

3.  Poor minivan guy was a little nudge to be more of myself in spite of my current surroundings;

4.  The zombie desperately trying to escape was really me knowing that it’s indeed time to move forward; and

5.  Erection guy’s message was loud and clear. Confidence is the key to making your dreams come true.

Enjoy the Ride!

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