I Need Emotional Viagra!

Friday night I was beyond tired! After I convinced myself  it was a result of being awake most of the night before due to excessive snoring from the husband AND the dog; not the disease I diagnosed myself with, I went to bed.

Now, I was not only in the deepest of sleep, I was starring in a very STEAMY dream. I can only assume my subconscious was taking over from all that chatter regarding the blog I posted about the young man who died during the threesome. That is where we are leaving it folks…use your imagination, you are all very bright.

Well, my 15 minutes of porn star fame ended abruptly when the phone rang. My mother is 85 and my daughter was away for the weekend, therefore I’m certain that **RING** alone took 10 years off my life, not to mention what happened next:

ME: Hello?

Brother-in-Law:  Hey Leese I’m glad I got you and not my brother, I really didn’t want to deal with his attitude. I’m in prison. Can you believe I’m in prison? I went to go buy that tablet thing (iPad?), so I put some beer in an empty Gatorade bottle, because I didn’t want to waste it, (God Forbid) to ride my bike to the store and I got pulled over. Can you believe I got pulled over on a bike? I don’t know I guess the cops aren’t busy. Are you there? My brain is still stuck on the word “prison” as I headed down stairs. 

ME: Yeah

Brother-in-Law:  They found out I had a Warrant and locked me up. I was at the Police Station all day. Did you know I asked my brother to take me up here to take care of this Warrant and he didn’t have time? I told the cop that and do you know what he said? He told me I should have ridden my bike. Funny, I was thinking the same thing. It took like 2 hours to get here in a car and he expects me to ride a bike? Ya know what else, this Warrant is from 2003…come on..don’t these people have other stuff to do? I have to work in the morning so can you call my boss and tell him I’m in prison? Sure, lets just keep that shock factor going … just passing it on. 

ME: Sure

Brother-in-Law:  This prison is in a really nice area. Driving up we went through the town and everyone was eating dinner outside and having a good time and I was going to prison. Have you ever been up here?  It’s nice, you should have seen all the girls..dam. I always envisioned that whole “one phone call” thing much differently. I just always assumed there would be more fear and less chit-chat. 

ME: Oh yeah it’s very nice. Can I have your boss’s phone number?

Brother-in-Law: Here it is and just let him know I’m in prison (define “prison” because I’m starting to think that’s where I’m at right about now) and I can’t come in. Hey, when is the court thing? Monday? (that was directed at the guard) Ok Leese, well I gotta go, have a good night.

ME: Ugh..um..oh..okay..bye.

As I processed what just happened, I headed back to bed. Now, I bring you part II:

ME:  That was your brother, he is in Doylestown prison.

Husband: He woke me up for that?

ME: You never even moved!

Husband:  Ugh … I was sound asleep. Does EVERYONE realize at this very moment, it is a MIRACLE that I am NOT someone’s bitch in an orange jumpsuit writing this from the Prison Library?! 

No need to get the torches out ladies, I told him all about the dream, reminded him how tired he was and went to sleep. Please do not underestimate the power of a tired, angry woman! 

So, Saturday I found out that the Warrant was for a citation he received back in 2003 for sleeping in his truck. He was homeless when he was working for a contractor, so he thought it would be “ok” to park his truck and sleep at the job site. The problem was that this “job site” was in an upper echelon residential neighborhood. This neighborhood doesn’t even allow fast food restaurants to display their Golden Arches, because they’re hideous to the rich eye. So, lord knows they will frown upon someone using their vehicle as living quarters.

Needless to say, he has had his fair share of trial and tribulations. He was homeless for about 8 years, due to drug & alcohol issues but he always seemed to trudge along. As of today he has been drug free for 3 years, has his own place, a job, bank account and wheels (his bike).

Trust me, he is aware of the poor choices he has made and the damage he has done to himself physically and mentally. The regrets are deep, the struggles are daily and the amends will last the rest of his life…one day at a time.

So, until tomorrow he will remain in prison, where apparently you are allowed to use the phone all day. It is now 2:00 pm and I just hung up from the 5th call of the day, in which he informed me there is no record of a Warrant. It appears there was a “clerical error”, but he’ll have to wait to see a Judge in the morning. Deep breaths everyone…deep breaths. 

I think today is a good day to start being curious, not judgmental and just…….Enjoy the Ride!

22 responses

    1. Certainly has a way of getting the juices flowing that’s for sure..

  1. What a story! And I think everybody has a relative like him.

    Folks call you “Leese?” They call me “Lease” — I don’t know too many others like us.

    1. That’s so funny! My in-laws call me Leese, my family calls me Lee or Lee Wee.

      1. I’m going to stick with calling you Tops, though. Otherwise I will have an identity crisis.

  2. If only emotional Viagra really existed. I loved all your casual asides while he was carrying on. Again it’s that write by ear thing I was mewling about. It’s very entertaining.

    1. I would be a steady customer if it did! Thank you again. I guess it’s my sarcastic side…or is it…haha!

  3. If there was such a thing as emotional viagra, I’m not sure the other kind would really be necessary. As for brothers-in-law, (and sisters-in-law) you are not alone. Trust me on that one. The good thing about in-laws of any sort, is that they make your blood relatives seem a little more sane than they otherwise might appear.

    1. A girl can dream can’t she? I was thinking it would make me happy and “strong”. O dear god the branches on my my family tree seem o so much brighter indeed!

  4. free penny press | Reply

    True story;; I got a similar call 2 weeks ago.. My eldest daughter’s father, 1st husband (who I might add ) who I am still very close with, is in prison.. he won’t be coming out..1st degree murder.. a good man broke.. wish his was like your bil.. oh how I wish it were…

    1. Dear Lord! He is such a fragile soul and I am a magnet his kind. I think I just have a special place for him because he is a big child. So I worry and his brother sleeps.

  5. Michelle Gillies | Reply

    I wish I could say I had never gotten one of those phone calls. I wish I could say I had never gotten more than one of those phone calls. Maybe I just shouldn’t answer the phone.

    1. Seriously! Like the ACTUAL blood related brother who seemed so annoyed. lol

  6. Sorry for your troubles, but very grateful for this humorous and very human post!

    1. Thank you! That is very kind.

  7. And here I had fooled myself into thinking my life was interesting.

  8. the curtain raiser | Reply

    Hope it all works out, for everybody concerned. There’s something about ringing phones and infants’ cries that cause selective night time hearing loss in certain individuals.

  9. Hope he gets out soon 🙂

  10. So funny and very well told, but I love the way you put a different perspective at the end. Yes, this made has no one to blame but himself for the poor choices he’s made in his life, but you still want to root for him since he really has tried to turn his life around. I hope this setback is over soon. I don’t want him to lose a job he desperately needs to keep, and jobs are so hard to come by in the best of circumstances. Great post! You are a superb writer.

    1. Thank you! He is such a generous kind soul…and I hope it doesn’t sdset him back either…he is so weak.

  11. It all sounds like a Kafka novel. At least you didn’t wake up as a insect.

  12. Wow, this was an incredibly amusing post, although I’m sure it wasn’t as amusing for you…

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