Don’t Shoot The Messenger

Here’s my story sad but true.

Nine, yes 9 glorious days ago, I geared myself up to increase my physical activity level from ZERO to at least a THREE by the end of the month. Considering that the temperatures outside have reached the Fires of Hell level, I opted to begin my journey in the comforts of my own home with the Wii Fit.

Easy enough…right?

Increasing my exercise level was nothing compared to hooking up the dam thing to get started. Both kids were at the shore, so I was left to master this on my own. I did break a sweat, but it was mainly from cursing at my frustration. If there were a calorie burn for cursing, I would be on the cover of Vogue.

I was so frustrated I had to call the Help Desk, you guessed it….the KIDS. Of course no one answers my crys for help and endless calls. This is very strange considering their life source phones usually need to be surgically removed from their hands at home. 

So, what’s a mother to do? This mother has NO shame, she called one of their friends. Interesting how my phone rings to tell me…Mom! stop calling my friends you’re so embarrassing! No, embarrassing would have been having the kid come over when I looked like a Sea Hag as I tried to hook this dam thing up!

First question from the teenage friend….Lisa, is it plugged in?  After I kindly reminded him of my brilliance, he walked me through it and it still did not work. The husband fixed it in 3 seconds, but I didn’t ask him for 2 days later…I was determined avoiding. 

Alright, time to blow the dust off those sneakers and get this party started!

Now, in order to get started you have to make a little character of yourself called a Mii and design it accordingly. I was starting fresh, so I created a new Mii. Her name is “Mom” so lame I know with brown hair and a pony tail. Note to self: Do not create an image of yourself when you are feeling like shit. 

Lequita, my alter ego Mii, is african american with blonde hair, pink lipstick an a ton of sassiness. Sort of like Niki Minaj without the boobs. I’m sure she will cheer “Mom” on from the sidelines. Lequita is so badass. 

Day One:  I step onto the Wii Fit board and it says “Ugh!” in a condescending voice. I get off and get back on only to hear “Ooo! Are you serious? There is something very unnerving about being virtually mocked.

Day Two:  The board is still mocking me, but now it gets personal. For some reason my scores are horrible. When I was Laquita I was killing it with my scores in the hundreds, now I’m barely getting 80. Low scores = whomp whomp sounds along with “Mom” hanging her head in shame. I’m really not feeling the love here Nintendo! 

PRETTY SURE MINE IS HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

Day Three:  Still chugging along without any progress on my scores. The Geisha Girl voice on this game is now equivalent to nails on a chalkboard as she says, “Oh, you seem to be unbalanced.”  Now I feel like I’m at the nail salon, but I can actually understand what everyone is talking about…”feet like man” or in this case…couch potato.

Day Four:  Sweating like a pig as I continue to be baffled by my inability to increase these scores!!!! Then it happens THE VOICE has the nerve to say “working on your core muscles every day will help you with your balance.” Stick your core and your muscles up your ass! What the hell do you think I’ve been doing? 

Day Five: I decided to switch things up and do the program after work. There I was on the board in the middle of sucking at my attempt at virtual slalom skiing, when my son walked in the room. “Oh, let me try I haven’t done this in a long time.” Ok, but it’s really hard. “Yea I guess it is when you have the board backward!”  Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! So, for FIVE days this bitch couldn’t once say…TURN THE BOARD AROUND! 

Day Six through today:  I am kicking some Wii Fit ass and surpassing my daughter’s scores! The Geisha Girl is still a condescending bitch and I can not guarantee her safety at this point.

The lesson here folks….Don’t Shoot The Messenger, or in this case bludgeon a video game for speaking the truth. Instead I am grateful that this game was made in Japan and therefore very polite. If this game was made in the United States, there is a very good chance I would have heard “Dam girl, you need to give a game a warning before stepping your fat ass onboard!” 

Look at the bright side and of course…Enjoy the Ride! 


28 responses

  1. Hate it when the kids remind me that they are not tech support…I don’t know why they thought we had them.

    1. Seriously! I tell my son that every time he takes out the trash..Jeez, I’m so glad you were born.

  2. That is so funny. I can complete relate. I can’t even turn the TV on in my family room without my son’s help.

  3. I had a good laugh sitting around waiting for my tech support guy to show up. He is a real one — no relative. The husband is even worse that this stuff than I am! Your program sounds as condescending as our GPS system!

    1. Clearly a distant cousin of the GPS woman!

  4. Awww, Wii fit!! We started strong on one a year ago. I could really kick … on the ski jump. I kept falling into the great voids or the water on the bicycle races, and anything else I swear that little voice was having a insulting conversation with whomever would listen. I have looked at my wii fit board leaning so mockingly up against the t.v. stand, but there it sits. I feel your pain. Great post!

  5. free penny press | Reply

    Oh you did way better than me.. the first time I heard it say “ooohhh’ I would have flipped it off and revereted to my old-fashioned Jane Fonda DVD..lol..

    1. I did have the Richard Simmons video years ago..I was laughing so hard I sat on the couch and watched it like a bad movie!

  6. Oh My Gosh! I am crying from laughing. From calling your kids friends to the Ugh’s and Oh’s to having the board backwards. This. is. hysterical. I think I love you!!!

  7. Ha! My Lovely Bride has the same issues with Mrs. Wii Fit. She’s always hollering at her. I just try not to laugh. She especially hates her condescending comments. And sounds like your language is similar to my wife’s! 🙂

    1. Is it strange to be comforted by your wife’s frustration…because I am getting the warm & fuzzies just knowing I’m not alone right now.

  8. I’ve never tried the Wii fit. And now, I don’t think I ever will. If she’s anything like my yoga instructor, I’m scared of that Geisha Girl already!
    I wonder if at the last level you get to punch the Geisha Girl, you know as a reward for working out so hard.

    1. Now see, that would motivate me.

  9. Michelle Gillies | Reply

    Ah, Yes, I wasn’t too thrilled with the Wii Fit throwing out condescending comments at me either. I ended up having fun with it anyway. Just ignore the B.

    1. She’s being a little nicer, but we are not friends yet. I do like it, despite the B.

  10. Omg, I can’t even tell you how hard I’m laughing right now! We must somehow be related because everytime I turn around you are doing something that I can completely relate to. So, so funny. I can can totally hear the condescending tone of Zacs voice while telling you to turn it around. You know how kids love it when they’re “right” on occasion! And good for you for not beating the brag out of the wii box with a base all bat!

    1. Oooooo it was so hard not to take that thing and throw it out into the field!!!!

  11. I’m working my core muscles just laughing at this post. Thanks! LOL xoM

  12. I didn’t read the label and accidently bought the Wii Fat. I was really proud of how well I was doing till a visiting 11 year old broke the bad news. It’s a shame too, I was well on my way to grade 3 Sumo.

  13. Have never tried the WiiFit, good luck with it. I did however buy my hubby who is in IT a T-Shirt that said “No, I won’t fix your computer”. Of course mine is the exception as he knows what’s good for him ;).

  14. Just wait until she says… “OOOO You are obese?”

    1. Too late…I was just glad I didn’t explode before my eyes!

  15. You are so funny, funnier than me, my highest compliment. I love your silliness, that Lucy/Hope and Faith for lack of another Lucy take on everything. You’d love the writer Jean Kerr. I bet your mother remembers her. She wrote for all the major magazines in the 50s and was probably the funniest woman ever to pen about married life. Her husband was drama critic Walter Kerr and I bet your library has a book of hers. She’s famous for Please Don’t Eat The Daisies an essay she wrote they made into a film and TV show.

    Anyway …hilarious as usual. Hope your muscles are less sore. Epsom Salts help but I’d just head straight for a bar.

  16. Ha Ha! You are really funny. 🙂

  17. OMG – what a riot! I’m technology challenged too so good for you sticking with it. I would have thrown the damn thing out the window when it started mocking me.

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