Nine, yes 9 glorious days ago, I geared myself up to increase my physical activity level from ZERO to at least a THREE by the end of the month. Considering that the temperatures outside have reached the Fires of Hell level, I opted to begin my journey in the comforts of my own home with the Wii Fit.
Increasing my exercise level was nothing compared to hooking up the dam thing to get started. Both kids were at the shore, so I was left to master this on my own. I did break a sweat, but it was mainly from cursing at my frustration. If there were a calorie burn for cursing, I would be on the cover of Vogue.
I was so frustrated I had to call the Help Desk, you guessed it….the KIDS. Of course no one answers my crys for help and endless calls. This is very strange considering their
life source phones usually need to be surgically removed from their hands at home.
So, what’s a mother to do? This mother has NO shame, she called one of their friends. Interesting how my phone rings to tell me…Mom! stop calling my friends you’re so embarrassing! No, embarrassing would have been having the kid come over when I looked like a Sea Hag as I tried to hook this dam thing up!
First question from the teenage friend….Lisa, is it plugged in? After I kindly reminded him of my brilliance, he walked me through it and it still did not work. The husband fixed it in 3 seconds, but I didn’t ask him for 2 days later…I was
Alright, time to blow the dust off those sneakers and get this party started!
Now, in order to get started you have to make a little character of yourself called a Mii and design it accordingly. I was starting fresh, so I created a new Mii. Her name is “Mom” so lame I know with brown hair and a pony tail. Note to self: Do not create an image of yourself when you are feeling like shit.
Lequita, my alter ego Mii, is african american with blonde hair, pink lipstick an a ton of sassiness. Sort of like Niki Minaj without the boobs. I’m sure she will cheer “Mom” on from the sidelines. Lequita is so badass.
Day One: I step onto the Wii Fit board and it says “Ugh!” in a condescending voice. I get off and get back on only to hear “Ooo! Are you serious? There is something very unnerving about being virtually mocked.
Day Two: The board is still mocking me, but now it gets personal. For some reason my scores are horrible. When I was Laquita I was killing it with my scores in the hundreds, now I’m barely getting 80. Low scores = whomp whomp sounds along with “Mom” hanging her head in shame. I’m really not feeling the love here Nintendo!
Day Three: Still chugging along without any progress on my scores. The Geisha Girl voice on this game is now equivalent to nails on a chalkboard as she says, “Oh, you seem to be unbalanced.” Now I feel like I’m at the nail salon, but I can actually understand what everyone is talking about…”feet like man” or in this case…couch potato.
Day Four: Sweating like a pig as I continue to be baffled by my inability to increase these scores!!!! Then it happens THE VOICE has the nerve to say “working on your core muscles every day will help you with your balance.” Stick your core and your muscles up your ass! What the hell do you think I’ve been doing?
Day Five: I decided to switch things up and do the program after work. There I was on the board in the middle of sucking at my attempt at virtual slalom skiing, when my son walked in the room. “Oh, let me try I haven’t done this in a long time.” Ok, but it’s really hard. “Yea I guess it is when you have the board backward!” Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! So, for FIVE days this bitch couldn’t once say…TURN THE BOARD AROUND!
Day Six through today: I am kicking some Wii Fit ass and surpassing my daughter’s scores! The Geisha Girl is still a condescending bitch and I can not guarantee her safety at this point.
The lesson here folks….Don’t Shoot The Messenger, or in this case bludgeon a video game for speaking the truth. Instead I am grateful that this game was made in Japan and therefore very polite. If this game was made in the United States, there is a very good chance I would have heard “Dam girl, you need to give a game a warning before stepping your fat ass onboard!”
Look at the bright side and of course…Enjoy the Ride!