How Low Can You Go?
Tell us about the most exciting big night out you had recently.
Imagine sitting in your kitchen on a Sunday afternoon, just 2 days after Christmas, trying to muster up the incentive clean-up the holiday aftermath, and go food shopping. The struggle was real.
In the distance, I heard a faint ding a/k/a as the diversion.
I reacted like the trained lab rat I am and sprinted to find my phone.
Hmm, a private message from my BFF on Facebook, always intriguing, this time, it was like hitting a lottery.
Low and behold an old friend of hers, and a new friend of mine invited us to her East Coast wedding celebration.
The ding was received at 12:59 and the party started at 3:00.
While part of me was starting the car, the other part was anchored down with all she had to do. Celebrating love or food shopping? Once I said that out loud it was a no brainer.
Guess what? Milk can be purchased any ole time, but these friends were only here from California for the holidays. They came to celebrate their fabulous union with their East Coast peeps, and we were fortunate enough to be included in the festivities.
Needless to say, by some sort of miracle, we were both gussied up and drinking a cocktail by 3:30!! I even did my nails … it’s still a mystery.
When you say yes the universe helps you. Dan Brule
Did I mention this was a gay wedding? Well, it was. Let me just say to the heterosexual crowd … THE BAR HAS BEEN RISEN. Game on people, game on.
We ate, danced, laughed, danced, laughed, danced, laughed …. you get the picture.
Here are a few photos of the shenanigans fabulous time that I wanted to last all night long.
Cheers!
Selfie Station Shenanigans With the BFF
The Happiness With One Of The Brides
This Is What Fun Looks Like
The Photo That Keeps On Giving
After the glitter settled I was suddenly crippled. Apparently I sprained my gluteus medius. How did this happen you ask? Well, that was determined through a conversation with the bestie and confirmed by an Orthopedic doctor.
Me: I’m crippled! I can just about walk. I think it’s from dancing.
Bestie: Did you go too low?
Me: Laughter! What?
Bestie: When the DJ said, “How low can you go?” Did you go too low?
Me: Laughter! It was at the seriousness of the question.
Bestie: Joined in on the laughter and added: “you go low all of the time at the gym.”
Me: Well, If I’m a cripple, I’m glad it’s from something as fun as going too low.
Me & Bestie: Laughter!
The lesson here folks is to make sure you say YES more often. Saying NO is safe, but lord knows it’s dull. Challenge yourself! Easier said than done, but necessary.
Say “yes” to new experiences, new people and new adventures. You’ll be surprised at how much you learn about yourself just by agreeing to learn about someone or something else. Learning is good.
If I played it safe with this invitation, sure I might have had milk for my cereal in the morning, but I would never have these amazing memories, not to mention this meme. Milk is highly overrated anyway.
Say YES and Enjoy the Ride!
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A Ride to Remember
As I was driving into work one morning, listening to one of my many favorite morning radio shows “The Preston & Steve Show” on 93.3 WMMR here in Philly. I say “many” because I am beyond a channel changer while driving. But this show certainly has a way of making my ride a little brighter as I head to the salt mines office every day.
This particular morning there was a discussion on a new book titled “Carsick” by John Waters. It’s a wonderful entertaining story about John’s decision to hitchhike across the country. As the DJ’s were discussing excerpts from the book, listeners were calling in to tell their personal stories about a time when they had no other choice but to hitch a ride. I found this all very intriguing.
Lucky for me John was making his rounds promoting his tale and I was able to catch an interview with him on the Bill Maher Show. I ordered the audio version right smack in the middle of the interview!
I must say I have never listened to a book before, because I am a traditional girl who enjoys her books written on paper, but since I have a 30-40 minute ride to the gym every day, I thought this would be a good way to pass the time and avoid my OCD channel changing … Mission accomplished John!
And so the adventure begins….
Many of you may already know that the then 66 year-old Baltimore film director John Waters decided to hitchhike from his home in Baltimore Maryland to his home in San Francisco. Crazy or living life?
Just the idea of such a journey in 2014, when the world seems so humanly disconnected, had me completely fascinated. I’m not sure why since I never had a wish to hitchhike … especially since most hitchhikers are usually portrayed as serial murders and frankly I’m a scardy cat. However, John did point out that most serial killers are looking for 20-year-old hookers and that did make me feel much safer.
The excitement as I put the first CD into the player was admittedly a tad over the top, but who cares … I just wanted to hear all the details of this journey … one CD at a time.
After listening to at least 2 CD’s I started to think …. “why haven’t I heard about any of this on the news?”
Well, the answer to that million dollar question was found when I decided to read up on the details of the book. Something I usually do before I hit the “Add to cart” button. This is where I learned I that the first half of the book was John’s fictional version of his trip. Let me just say If anyone has some swamp land they want to get rid of … I’m your girl.
First up are the fictional good and bad rides; followed by the real rides that got him to San Francisco. 3 books for the price of 1!
If you’ve ever seen or read any of John’s past work you are well aware that his imagination reaches a level that most people cannot even fathom and he does not hold back in the fictional version of his journey. Some might think it was over the top, others (like myself) might think … hey, you never know.
How could you not respond to this clever sign?
John wouldn’t be John without adding some exaggerated lewdness to the first half of the book. Hey, he isn’t known as the “Pope of Trash” for his portrayal of sunshine and butterflies. There were times when I think I might have blushed, cringed and laughed behind the wheel as I listened to him tell his fictional tale, but it didn’t stop me.
His words just confirmed that if anyone in this world was going to have sex with an Alien; be given a magical asshole for three hours that would fix a flat and sing duets with Connie Frances … well, it would be John Waters.
After all the crazy antics of the fictional adventures, I heard the words 
“The Real Thing” and I found myself so engrossed that I was driving in circles just to finish a chapter. It was worth every ounce of fuel … even at $3.67 a gallon!
I couldn’t help but imagine myself as one of those dashboard hula girls eavesdropping on every ride. Best seat in the house.
Does all of this make me want to manicure my thumb and hit the highway? Not one bit. It does however urge me to head into each day with my wit, optimism and belief that not every stranger is a serial killer … some are just out there to Enjoy the Ride … just like me.
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Man Down! Man Down!
Honestly evaluate the way you respond to crisis situations. Are you happy with the way you react?
Hmm, am I happy with the way I react to a crisis? The answer is a big fat YES! I would go as far as saying I reacted to the latest crisis that crossed my path like Wonder Woman in comparison to the people statues I was with while all hell broke freaking loose. Nothing like a crew of blank stares when you’re in the middle of a real life Man Down…Man Down crisis.
Before the “incident”
First: As all my followers already know, I had the pleasure of being a Latex Engineer in this years Thanksgiving Day Parade here in Philly. If you’re new you can read about it right here The Oscar Goes To. That’s the victim right there on the left. He is a Humane Law Enforcement Officer, not to mention hilarious. We were in charge of the Lorax’s head together….before the incident.
Any who, after all was said and done we were instructed to start letting the helium out of the balloon as we all walked back to Deflation Station. Now, as someone who was new to the world of latex engineers, I was unaware of the dangers of helium exposure. Maybe it’s common knowledge and I’m just not common, I don’t know.
I was in charge of letting the air out of the tail of the Lorax, while my new friend Officer
Hold on Wayne…I’m On My Way!
Wayne, who was a seasoned Latex Engineer, was working on a larger part of the balloon. Unfortunately, he inhaled a large amount of helium and started to come towards me in slow motion. I honestly thought he was joking around, but did think it was odd that his glasses were crooked, he was walking in slow motion and lost his ability to speak. Other than those small details, all seemed normal. Next thing I knew he started to GO DOWN.
MY REACTION: I lead off with a very loud scream. This is always good to alert others who may want to assist. I grabbed him and was able to guide him to the ground slowly. This is crucial to avoid bludgeoned skulls. I crouched over Officer Wayne and began yelling in is face “ARE YOU OK?! ARE YOU OK?!” I wasn’t actually looking for an answer per se, but more for signs of life. As I looked up for assistance from Jeez, I don’t know, one of the hundreds of people in the immediate vicinity, I spotted my daughter and my friend standing perfectly still and staring at me in horror. Two statues would have served me better than these two…..dear lord!
I am happy to report Wayne got up, straightened his glasses and continued to fold up the Lorax like a boss. I on the other hand had to answer the questions as to WTF just went down from the statues who suddenly came to life!
Considering havoc has a tendency to break loose at even the most enjoyable of events, it’s best to remain calm, scream loud and Enjoy the Ride, with your badass boots of course!
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No One Wants a Dead Cat
If you could read a book containing all that has happened and will ever happen in your life, would you? If you choose to read it, you must read it cover to cover.
I’m going to keep this simple…the answer is NO. Oh, please don’t expect some deep complicated thought on life paths, you’re not going to get that from me. This is common sense. For those of you who think on that higher plain of thought, I’ll break it down and do my best to make it sound much more complicated than it already is so you’ll understand.
By nature Human Beings are curious, so of course our first instinct would be Hell yea I want to know what’s going to happen! Then we take a moment, pause and think Wait a minute, didn’t something happen to some cat who was curious? Indeed it did folks, indeed it did. If memory serves me correctly, he perished in his own curiosity.
No, this little tale is not meant to frighten you into delving into normal curiosity, just the big stuff. To help you along in your decision-making I took time out my busy day to create this Curiosity Chart. I’m a visual learner, so I find pictures to be very helpful in the learning process.
RED LEVEL OF CURIOSITY (Killed the Cat): This is for those times when you find yourself on vacation with your friends at a secluded mountain house. Three of your 6 friends have already been murdered, you have no phone service or means to escape. After having sex with one of your remaining friends, because that’s what scared to death grieving people do, you get up to investigate a strange noise coming from behind a closed-door. Suddenly you remember the cat that perished, but continue to open the door as to give that dead cat a big fat FU. Well, guess what? You deserve the slaughtering you get. This is CURIOSITY WITH A SIDE OF STUPID.
ORANGE LEVEL OF CURIOSITY (Mamed the Cat): Enter with caution…literally. This is for those times when the thought may run through your mind that “Hey Bobby or Mary’s significant other is hot.” First of all there is a good reason why that thought was in fact RUNNING. This is never a good idea unless you’re looking to lose everything in your life. Penises and testicles have been known to go missing. The result of this level of curiosity lasts a lifetime…think twice.
YELLOW LEVEL OF CURIOSITY: (Injured the Cat): This is usually harmless, but it has been known to require an extended healing process. It’s your birthday and there is a BIG present on the table calling your name. You can either ever so slightly remove a corner, peek and be ________. Big packages of any kind have been known to disappoint. The recovery time on this is fairly quick, depending on the level of disappointment of course.
BLUE LEVEL OF CURIOSITY (Causes Purring): This is my favorite! I use it every single day. For me this could be noticing a cute pair of boots on a stranger and simply inquiring “OMG I love your boots! Where did you ever find those beauties?” See we’re all smiling. This is a win/win kind of curious that traditionally leaves all parties walking away Purring. Again, the level of Purring depends strictly on the situation..wink wink.
See how easy that was class. Now, don’t open that book unless you’re fully prepared to handle all of the above levels of curiosity. Do you really want to wake up one day with the full knowledge that you are about to indulge into a full-blowed Red Level day? As curious as I am, I would have to answer this with a big fat … NO.
Stop living your life for what’s around the corner and start enjoying the walk down the street. Grant L. Miller
Purr….. Enjoy the Ride!
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Zaaaaaac’s Mooooom!
LAUGHTER: the experience or manifestation of mirth, amusement, scorn, or joy.
I love to laugh and it’s no secret that I enjoy making others join right in on the silliness. Over the past few weeks, mostly though writing this blog, I’ve been having flashbacks of different times in my life when the laughter took over into nothing short of hysteria.
My very first memory of this happening was in my 3rd grade classroom. I sat next to Philip Shreiber. Ah, Philip had one of those faces that always lit up like a cartoon. You actually can be born animated, Philip was living proof. Philip always appeared to be on the brink of laughter, which of course is contagious, especially in a restricted environment like a Catholic school classroom.
That’s all it ever took was eye contact to get the giggles going. Well, all I remember about this day was he pointed at me with his shoe and we both lost complete control. I’m so easy.
Sister Marie Donald one of the good ones asked us to refrain, which as we all know is impossible. We were summoned to the back 
of the room like 2 criminals, along with ALL of the belongings in our desk. Just for added humiliation, because that’s how Catholics’ roll. One would think that would be enough to stop the insanity in its tracks, but it actually made it worse. Looking pathetic is also hilarious.
Philip was then incarcerated into the closet and I was exiled to the corner. To this day I laugh thinking about the snickers from behind the closed closet door. The longer it went on, the harder the laughter. Somethings never change now do they?
After our return to civilization we were separated. I’m glad we never had to explain what was so funny, lord knows “he was pointing with his shoe” sounds very lame after the fact.
In my unauthorized research, I have concluded that this sort of hysteria laughter generally occurs in unacceptable locations or at inappropriate times, which just seems to enhance the intensity.
Now, what I am about to share is 100% true and parental discretion is advised.
Both of our children started taking martial arts when they were 8 & 10 with some other children on the block. Apparently not ALL the children.
Building self-esteem, 45 minute classes held 3 times a week that we didn’t have to stay and be bored watch, it was a parental dream come true. Judge away, it was the best $99 we ever spent…a win win if you will.
So what do young parents do when the house is empty? They get it on of course, without having to muffle the sounds of their pleasure. Bring on the sexual circus we have 45 minutes to get this done!
Let me set the scene for you..the season is Summer, the windows are open and we live in a row home. Scary combination for many reasons, but especially for what is about to happen.
Just as things got started under the Big Top there was a knock at the door. In moments like this, the whole men are from mars, women are from venus thing becomes crystal clear.
Me: It must be the police letting us know something happened to one of the kids. Him: Acute deafness sets in. Perhaps if I was with someone from my own planet, things would have turned out very differently.
Me: Are you going to see who that is? Him: What? The knocking continues and my eyes are like saucers as the hubby peeks to see 
who dares to interrupt his good time.
Him: It’s Jeff (a kid) returning that movie. Now, where were we…The knocking was endless. This kid was determined to return the dam movie!
Me: Let me answer the door. Him: No, just focus come on he’ll leave. Me: Focus? The giggles start.
Kid: Zaaaaaac’s Moooooom are you in there? Me: Lost it! Laughing out loud. Busting a gut is an understatement.
Him: Very close to a pivotal moment. Me: Busted out in full-fledged laughter. Kid: Zac’s mom I know you’re in there I can hear you laughing. Laying there like a porpoise, laughing like a hyena…looking as unsexy as one could possibly look at any given time.
Him: Jumps up to look out the window while mumbling something about how he can’t wait to ruin the kid’s sex life one day. The visual will be forever etched in my mind.
Me: Complete hysteria, there is no coming back. Him: Sweating and pleading..Please just stay with me…focus. Ok, am I in a bed or clinging to a life raft in the middle of ocean?
Me: Laughing so hard I can’t even form words, let alone FOCUS.
Kid: Zaaaaaaaaaac’s mooooooooom …….I can still hear you laughing. I may have died and come back at this point..I remember a light.
Him: Mission accomplished. Me: Still laughing from under the pillow that somehow found its way over my face. Suddenly felt the need for a cigarette and I don’t smoke.
So, what’s the moral of this wonderful piece of literature you ask? Life is full of unexpected opportunities, challenges and change. How you respond is the key to your happiness. So..keep it light, keep it happy and just … Enjoy the Ride!
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ENCORE!
Whoa…..flying your Freak Flag is exhausting! This weekend started off fairly normal on Friday with food shopping, a dentist appointment, visiting mom and a trip to the Mall with my daughter. On Saturday I had plans to go see my nephew’s band play at the TLA (Theater of The Living Arts) here in Philadelphia. MACH22 wasn’t hitting the stage until 10:00 pm, so I had to rest up before the big event by chillaxing at the homestead. I wrapped it up Sunday with the hubby, breakfast and a looooong ride with the top down.
On Saturday I finally finished a book I received for my birthday in February…so pathetic that it’s taken this long. It was the autobiography of Steven Tyler …”Does The Noise In My Head Bother You” a Rock ‘N’ Roll Memoir. Now, I was never a hardcore Aerosmith fan or anything, but I did master drawing their logo all over my copy books in high school.
Recently I became interested in Steven Tyler after watching an interview he did with Oprah. I was immediately captivated by his honesty, which also resonates throughout this book. If you’re admitting to smoking a comb, yes a comb as in the one you use for your hair, it’s safe to say you’re an open book. The admission was a very nonchalant “I’ve smoked combs for chrissakes.” Which left me with one question … “How the HELL are you still alive?”
I learned that Steven is not just a Rock Star, he is musically gifted. His father, who studied at Julliard, taught him the importance of listening to the notes. Music runs through his veins and fills his soul…that is passion friends. I think he wears his passion well…looking pretty dam good still ROCKIN out at 64. Dream On indeed!
Next on the Freak Flag agenda…MACH22. My daughter and I headed to the city for the show. Whew and what a show it was! I was standing at the foot of the stage in amazement as I watched Ty bring his Les Paul to life. There was a moment when I was emotional…I just couldn’t believe that the sound coming from that instrument was caused by the hands of my nephew. That guitar was singing a song one chord at a time…dam!
They rocked the faces off of the audience, who were begging LOUDLY for an encore! I really wouldn’t want to be the next band up…that’s for sure.
It was the first time they had merchandise at the show sporting their logo. I was working the room offering FREE boxes of matches to the audience.
Young people are not very receptive to FREE merchandise, they actually seemed scared. It’s not like I was spraying them with perfume for god sakes! However, the doobie smokers were more than happy to receive a free light.
I concluded that the $4.00 bottle of water, ringing ears and newly acquired deafness were well worth the magic I witnessed!
Sunday, the day of rest…NOT, was spent with the top down. The hubby wanted breakfast, but we were slow to move and settled for Brunch at the Washington Crossing Inn.
The Inn is very beautiful and historic. I could have done without seeing the enormous flat screen 
TV amongst the historic decor, but that’s just me. We were able to dine outside, which was a treat on such a beautiful day. The food was delicious, or as the hubby said “over priced” and the 
conversations surrounding us delightful.
I am wired for sound and can hear a conversation across the room. This can be very entertaining, especially when a father announces to a table of his peers that he will be saving $17,000 this year because his son is going to commute. He was scared living in a co-ed dorm with half-naked girls walking the halls. Let’s just say that justification probably sounded so much better in his head.
Next stop was through New Hope and then Doylestown where they just happened to be shooting a movie 
called The North Star. Needless to say we didn’t bring our head shots, so we had no chance of being an extra and were forced to continue along the open road. So long Hollywood….you had your chance.
By this point the sun was blazing, my Freak Flag was practically pleading to be shoved into the closet and I was ready to R E L A X.
All good things must come to an end folks, but some weekends require an ENCORE … Enjoy the Ride!
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Fly Your Freak Flag Friday
It’s been Smok’n Hot this week on the East Coast! Record breaking temperatures, soaring thermometers and the scorching heat have left us all waiting for a much-needed cool down. Let’s celebrate the impending dropping digits by giving ourselves permission to let our FREAK FLAGS FLY today and do whatever the hell our heart desires.
Watch what happens simply by letting your Freak Flag Fly, others feel inspired to let theirs fly too. It’s so contagious! Let your Mojo loose, express yourself, be YOU without giving a hoot what anyone else thinks. Within reason people, I don’t want anyone behind bars. Your Freak Flag shouldn’t be dangerous, it’s there to express your joy and release your happiness.
Everyone has a Freak Flag. Some are neatly folded, others shoved in the back of a closet and sadly some have been depleted to the point of no return, but most have just drooped amongst their busy lives, waiting patiently for permission to fly high. Today is your lucky day folks…let’s fly’em high!
Ok, maybe that was a little over the top. How bout we try looking for it first, shake it out and lay it on the bed. Hell, wrap it around you and reintroduce yourselves until you get that..Ah, where have you been baby…where the hell have you been feeling. Then, and only then, if you’re feeling brave, take it to the poll. Don’t get discouraged if you have difficultly getting started, every Freak Flag resurrects at its own pace. Sometimes jumper cables are in order.
I’ve compiled a few suggestions in order to jump-start the resurrection of your Freak Flag. These are some things that I’ve been working on for me. I’m not going to sugar coat anything here…it takes time.
Take some advice from Lady GaGa … Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm. Hey if you want to get your groove on and dance to your favorite song…DO IT.. it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than it is to be absolutely boring! Marilyn Monroe said that…umm hmm.
DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING
Hold hands with your lover, hug someone who needs one, kiss your kids, hug your pets and start spreading the LOVE. Unlock those chains on your affection and stop holding back. The more love you put out there, the more you will see it flowing in like sweet honey. Let your Mojo flow.
UNLEASH YOUR HEART
Behave the way that makes you happy and STOP listening to that voice that keeps saying “what’s everyone going to think?” Who the hell is “Everybody” anyway? Your mom, kids, husband…they’ll survive. Sing your favorite song out loud, don’t worry Simon Cowell isn’t watching. Cool off in a sprinkler, put your feet in a fountain and just dive into LIFE.
DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
Hang out with other Freak Flag Flyers. This will make it so much easier to let loose. Distance yourself from the fun suckers, key holders and rule followers. Surround yourself with people who inspire and encourage you to be yourself. Put a flower in your hair. Wear bright colors. Ride your bike with no hands … please feel free to shout weeeeeeeee when doing so!
BE YOURSELF
There is nothing more Badass than being yourself, so use this opportunity to drop your guard along with the temperature. No matter what you do, let everyone know you are grateful. Put your hands in the air like you just don’t care and be present in the moment. If you can’t smile…..scream your way through it.
Listen to your inner self and trust what you hear. Pssst…Lisa…Enjoy the Ride!
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WTF Friday
What The Fill in the blank Friday (Filthy minds you have…dirty, filthy minds)
The following story will surely leave you saying _________________.
a) Come On People b) Really? c) WTF d) a & c e) b & c f) a, b, & c
I bring to you the tale of a grieving family. Oh, the grief was almost too much to bear for the family of this young man. Obviously so stricken by the loss of their lying, cheating family member they decided to seek revenge on his Cardiologist. Yea, that’ll teach him a lesson! Get your torches we’re going to put this doctor through the wringer to make sure his other married, lying, cheating patients don’t partake in threesome the night before their cardiac testing.
I’m convinced that common sense is not factored in on these cases. Obviously evidence as to which “head” was making the 
decision should have been considered.
I’m going to assume that the patient was listening to his Brain when he made an appointment with a Cardiologist, suspecting something was wrong. Therefore, the Cardiologist was talking to the Brain when he instructed the patient to follow-up with testing. Is it really necessary to go further?
Was he wrong for not consulting the Penis? Should he have told the Penis to stay put until we find out what’s going on with the MAIN ORGAN in the body? NO! The Penis is already on a power trip believing it is the MAIN ORGAN anyway. It’s common knowledge that the Penis doesn’t listen and is notorious for making poor decisions….Isn’t it?
BRAIN: Hey are you up for a threesome? NO! Are you crazy? I can’t partake in a threesome. First of all I’m a married man. I have small children. Not to mention I’ve been experiencing chest pains and I have a cardiac work-up scheduled tomorrow. Sorry pal you’ll have to find someone else to participate in your fornication festival. I’ll pray for you.
PENIS: Hey are you up for a threesome? Sure.
CASE CLOSED.
Family of man who died during threesome win $3m as doctors did not warn him about physical activity
Threesome?
Brain: No! I have CARDIAC testing scheduled.
PENIS: Sure
William Martinez, 31, a married father of two from Georgia, engaged in the threesome with a friend and another woman who was not his wife, according to reports, when he died in March 2009, according to The Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
The week before Martinez had reportedly visited the CardioVascular Group in Lawrenceville, complaining of chest pains that shot up his arm.
He was due for tests the following week but the threesome took place the day before he was scheduled to return.
Lawyers for Martinez’s estate, in filing a medical malpractice suit, had argued that his cardiologist did not tell the man to avoid strenuous physical activity before the test was performed, and that high blood pressure as well as a risk of clogged arteries put him at risk.
Jurors at a Gwinnett County court on Tuesday awarded his estate $5 million but they reduced it to $3m after finding him 40 per cent liable for his own death.
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No Time For Crazy
There are two personalities out there the Just Do It crew and the Let Me Think About It crowd. I fall into the first group, however the husband does not. His style is to spend months researching every angle of every piece of information ever printed on a product before the final decision is made. My style is more of a see it, like it, buy it approach.
Now, these characteristics can compliment each other or drive one of the parties crazy, it really depends on the situation. Yesterday I was thinking about one of the “extreme” situations that went down in this house. The demise of the rodent. My plan was simple “get rid of it” the other plan was equivalent to something you might see in a Pentagon war room.
NOTE: THIS IS THE PG-13 RATED VERSION. THE REAL VERSION RESEMBLES THE SCRIPT TO SCARFACE OR CASINIO.
Somehow this thing entered our home, we didn’t know what it was, but I wanted it to be gone. The hubby needs to know what it
is, how it entered, what it’s been doing, how he will get rid of it and the assurance that “it” or nothing else will ever enter our home again, without an invitation. Let the hunt begin!
He starts tearing everything apart looking for droppings, which he then took to a shitologist somewhere to be analyzed to determine what sort of creature he is hunting. The very bad news was we were dealing with a “R”. No, not a raccoon. I refuse to say it! You’ll have to use your imagination. HINT: It rhymes with bat. Ugh..the thought freaks me out so you can magnify my feeling by 100 and that is how much it freaked out the husband.
We couldn’t understand why our Beagle Chester wasn’t going crazy for a scent. He should have been sniffing this thing out. I came to the conclusion that while we were at work, he was most likely tied to a chair and told to keep his f”n mouth closed. That’s how “R’s” roll. Poor thing was probably scared to death. To this day I swear I saw remnants of duct tape on his paws.
My solution was poison. Don’t the words “R” and Poison go together like Peanut-butter and Jelly? His solution started with taking up the entire kitchen floor! I’ll leave out the part, or maybe not, where he slipped on a beam and crushed his man globes…that really didn’t help matters.
Next came inserting smoke bombs into the ceiling, in hopes this thing would come crawling out gasping for air…NOT. My joke about it having a gas mask wasn’t received very well…except by me. I was entertained for hours. At this point I came up with a plan “B” , which was another simple answer …”let’s move.” It would have been so much easier than dismantling the ceiling downstairs to set traps.
This is where things took a turn right into Crazy Town. It was driving the hubby insane! Our house was dismantled and this creature was clearly laughing his furry ass off the whole time.
Next came the internet research on the characteristics of this creature, trying to figure out how the brain of a “R” operates. He was going to get inside its head. Seriously, I had looney tune town on speed dial at this point. Brace yourself for what happened next…
I woke up in the middle of the night and the hubby is not in bed. My first thought was…”Oh no!” I went downstairs and was not 
prepared for what I saw…My “husband” was sitting on the kitchen table, in the dark, in his underwear, with a gun (pellet gun borrowed from our neighbor) waiting. Ok, now do you understand the level of insanity? He was one rocking motion away from being committed, by me. This mission failed…you really don’t want the details.
FINALLY, my plan was considered and the poison was purchased. He placed it in 5 places and documented the locations of the poison. I would never have thought to do that! He was home from work that day, I on the other hand made a mad dash out of Crazy Town and happily went to my job. Next thing you know I received a phone call that went like this:
Hubby: “I think it ate the poison”
Me: “How do you know?”
Hubby: “I think I hear it coughing, I feel so bad”
Me: “Can you hold a second?” “Coughing I hope the f”n thing chokes! Bad? Yea, I feel real f ‘n bad that I’m not home stomping the f’n fur ball to death myself! “ “Hey, thanks for holding, sorry about that. I can’t believe you feel bad, 2 nights ago you were sitting on the kitchen table, in the dark, with a gun in your hand.”
Hubby: “I know but it sounds like it’s suffering”
Me: “I’ve been suffering since this f”n fur bag entered our house!”
Hubby: “Shhh, I think the coughing is slowing down”
Me: “Just get a pillow and finish the job!” I’ve been pushed to a Robert DeNiro level!
Hubby: “I think it’s dead..ugh I feel so bad now”
Me: “I want to see the body when I get home, I need to know it’s dead”
Hubby: “Don’t you feel bad?” Me: “NO!”
This is the sort of shit challenge that could make of break a marriage, honest to God! To this day he feels bad, meanwhile I’m always scouting out good places to dump the body…just in case the need should arise.
Yes, the kitchen floor was remodeled, the phone wires were replaced, the dishwasher was re-wired, the basement ceiling was fixed and my home was clean from top to bottom….literally. (Hubby can fix/remodel/design anything)
In the end we both got a better understanding of what makes us tick. I’ve learned to ponder on things a little more, while the husband was told to realized he needs to stop making things so complicated. Chillax and Enjoy the Ride!
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Zip It..Zip It Good
There have been days when I’ve listened to the senseless ramblings of nothing for what seems like hours…even days. Maybe it’s because I’m craving some human contact, I’m bored, avoiding the other million things that need to be done or I just can’t bring myself to say “Zip-It.” Sadly, I know the truth, I am “Zip It” impaired. There I said it! It’s the first step to recovery right?
My ears have been pimped out to these undeserving windbags for too long, working their lobes off listening to what I would consider nothing but the dreaded banter of me, me, me.
Don’t get me wrong, these drums are total sluts when it comes to other types of listening, some good music for instance is more than welcome. They are suckers for shaking elderly voices, wide open for the troubles of loved ones and they practically become satellite dishes for some sweet nothings.
The windbags are making this ear pleasure very difficult with their evasive nonsense. They scour the earth in search of eye contact.
Once they have that, it’s all over for the ears. They don’t care who it is or where they are, if you have ears…working or not…they pounce. I’ve slowly become a magnet for this crew.
Perhaps it’s my compassionate nature..nah, who am I kidding…it’s not. It’s more like my inquisitive nature. Instead of a quick “Zip It” I always make the mistake of asking a question. Well, questions to a windbag are the Golden Ticket. This is an open invitation to…you guessed it…prolong the pain. Meanwhile, in their head they are hearing nothing short of.. “OMG! she loves me! She wants me to go on and on about me..yea!”
That’s all it would take is a quick “Zip It” to end this madness….yet I can’t do it. Sitting in silence, politely listening to useless words from the windbag, as I’m chanting “SHUT THE FRONT DOOR” in my head. My inner voice is having a field day filling my head with sarcastic responses that never get spoken as I try to imagine how many socks it would take to fill the pie hole.
I think I have finally found my answer in this wonderful tutorial. Dr. Evil really touches on the basics of getting your “Zip It” on, by making it look so natural. Incorporating DEVO…well, that is just pure genius. When a windbag comes along … you must “Zip It”…”Zip It” good!
Enjoy the Ride!
Life With The Top Down 
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